82* whatever lies ahead

For the past few days I have been praying and praying to hold onto hope in what seems like a hopeless situation. It feels like over half of my thoughts are prayers to G-d and the Universe.

I have come to the conclusion that no matter what lies ahead I am no longer afraid of the unknown. I am sad, but I have faith that there is some plan for me. Even if that plan includes me being homeless. I'd rather be homeless with my dog than have a home without her. 

I think of it this way: Ravenne is the last family member I can possibly be with, and I cannot give her up. Jheremy is gone, Kenny is dead, Vincent and I will be separated when we leave this house. All that is left are Ravenne and me. She's been with me since she was six weeks old and she will be nine years old in January, so I can't give her up--it would be like losing my last household family member,, and it is a pain that I cannot bear. I can barely live with all the other separations. How am I ever going to go from day to day never knowing if or when I will see my children again? I'm pretty used to living without Jheremy because its been six years since he moved away--but Kenny was suddenly taken out of my life last year, and I'm still not used to that; now Vincent will be gone too. My heart is totally shattered, thinking of being away from all my children. It doesn't feel like my life anymore. For 25 years, my life has mainly been about my role as a mother and I feel as if it is all ending too soon. Being a parent away from my children will not in any way resemble being with them. I know Jheremy and Vincent are young adults now and they don't need my like they once did, but I need them. I need to know how they are doing==I need to know that as a mother I prepared them for the world, but honestly I think I failed.I NEED TO KNOW THEY ARE OK!!! How can they be when there is so much unhappiness in all of our lives-} where did I go wrong??? AND WHY CAN'T I FIX IT???? The devastation is incredibly overwhelming!

In a single year, everything in my life has changed. It was supposed to change but not like this. This is a path unexpected> it was supposed to be me moving on after I finally graduated from college last summer. It took me so long to get an education- I remember Jheremy said "you've been in school my entire life, I am very proud of you."~And it is true, I kept going back until I finally received my bachelor's degree. The first person in my family- at the age of 44. I was SO HAPPY then,, before my world fell apart. It was supposed to be Kenny and Vincent living in this house with me moving away, ecstatic to start a new life. I thought I would be leaving with desire and excitement, knowing my sons would be safe and happy here together, thinking I could come back and visit any time I wanted. Instead, there will be no one here> no place left to call home--and no connection to the life I knew with my children. It is not supposed to happen this way! KENNY IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD>Vincent is not supposed to leave his home and move somewhere else alone. My dog and I are not suppose to be homeless.  

I keep telling myself to hold onto hope,,but it is very, very hard and really all I can do is cry and pray and cry.

Until tomorrow...

Element of the day (day 82)
#61) Pm- Promethium-] radioactive  
this element is not found naturally or occurs in such minute amounts that it does not reasonably exist on Earth. 
Discovered in 1945 by J.A. Marinsky, Lawrence Glendenin and Charles Coryell of the USA.
Used in miniature atomic batteries and certain photelectric cells, as well as in certain lights and signs. Has potential for providing heat and power for satellites and space probes.

Generally obtained from fission products in nuclear reactors. Any natural promethium the Earth possessed has long since disappeared.