Today is the beginning of the end--the end of me living in this home; the end of me living with my only child that is left here in this home with me; the end of the life that has so long been my familiarity.It hit me hard today that I will have to make so many moves on my own. The "empty nest" syndrome will become my new familiarity. It's a bit frightening. I have invested so much of my heart and energy into being a mom. Taking care of as much as I possibly can for my boys who are so precious to me. It is the only life I have known as an adult, and I wonder where will all that energy go? To what unknown places will life take me?
And another thought hits me- It is also the beginning of something new-- something of which I have no idea will be. I have to start anew totally on my own for the first time in my life. When I left home after high school, I had my grandmother to go to. I had love, advice, and care which shaped a lot of who I am today. Then I had my first son, Jheremy whom I loved and cared for, from there I was married and had my last two children Kenny and Vincent and we had been together ever since they were born until Kenny passed last year. Since then it has been Vincent and I living in the same home and still somewhat together despite all the heartbreak and hardship. But that shall be no longer. How does the saying go>"and in time this too shall pass"? Vincent told me today he doesn't know if he will stay in this house anymore now that the reality of the move has come upon us. So I am here in our home, alone tonight with my dog and while its not entirely uncommon, on other nights I always knew that Vincent would come home again. Now I don't know if we will ever sleep in this house together again. It will be a daunting set of weeks ahead if I am to stay here alone from now on.
And so the preparations begin to leave this place and start over somewhere new. Tonight I lit the candles from Kenny's last birthday cake and let them burn down to nothing. I placed them in my Hannukiah (with Eliora's help) and the last one just blew out. Kenny's 21st birthday is a week from tomorrow. What will I do that day? I'm not entirely sure.
Until tomorrow...
~~~~~~~~~~RANDOM TOPIC~~~~~~~~~~
THE RIVER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The last "fun thing" Kenny and I did was go to the river last August. It was shortly before I started having real health issues and I still had some energy. We went in his car, I did the driving. It isn't a very far drive and I encouraged Kenny to go many times in those last few months of his life when I could sense that he was feeling really down, but he never went on his own. Our last venture out was so much fun! He liked the river a lot and we both went in the water; however Kenny was more adventurous than I and walked across to the other side. I think he had water shoes on which of course gave him more stability than me without any. He was wet from head to toe, splashing, swimming and having a great time. I'm pretty sure he had his long stick or grabbed a new one as we walked on a bunch of the little trails under the freeway and all around. I took him to the swinging rope where people jump into the river. Neither of us jumped off because it was broken and frayed and we couldn't reach it. It was an excellent day, one which I regret was the only day like it. A beautiful, heartwarming memory none-the-less. He smiled and laughed a lot for those few hours we shared together. The sun setting as we drove home was the perfect ending to our little adventure.
Element of the day (day 67)
#83) Bi- Bismuth-] metal
Discovered during the 15th Century.
A brittle, pinkish-silver metal. Conducts heat and electricity poorly for a metal. Has a number of uses, including alloys, pharmaceuticals and cosmetics. Also used in thermocouples, catalysts, as a carrier for uranium fuel in nuclear reactors and in fire detection and fire extinguishers.
Often found in pure form. Chiefly obtained as a by-product of lead, copper, tungsten, or molybdenum processing of ores, mined in China, Mexico, Peru, Australia, Japan, and Bolivia.
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