The days feel like they are disappearing too quickly lately. Morning turns into night before I know it, leaving me feeling that its over before I can get anything important accomplished. My mind is overcrowded with emotions which leaves my thoughts cloudy. I need clarity for many directions of my life, including this healing process I am struggling with. I think I want>>I don't know at all what I want, other than to feel better. Do I want the journey to be over without completing the work? I am 'feeling the emotions' way too much. Sometimes that's all I'm doing>FEELING>>>>AAHHHHHHH. I could use a little numbness, some down time from the anxiety and hurt.
I read the fourth touchstone today. There was so much pertinent information that I know I have to read it again. The first sentence begins-"Suicide is synonymous with disruption, chaos, and change...".
Disruption--now there is a word that describes my life. Totally disrupted! That's for sure>and now going onto the 11th month of surrounding sadness, I am working tirelessly to feel grounded. I do feel as if I am on a never-ending roller coaster ride, but not the enjoyable kind. Instead, its much more like the kind that makes you sick and dizzy. I'm constantly spinning from one emotion to the other. Filled with hope, then feeling hopeless. It is a long, long journey searching for stability and purpose again. I seem to be stumbling more than walking, not that it truly matters because at least I'm moving and not still lying in a pool of tears on the ground as I was for many months. Progress is progress no matter how slow, and as the book reiterates constantly- I have to be patient with myself. For me, its easier to be patient with others but I am working on self compassion.
Until tomorrow... "Stepping into the wilderness of your many feelings of grief is an important and sacred part of your life right now. It is my experience that we cannot heal what we cannot feel or do not allow ourselves to feel."
-Alan D Wolfelt, author of
The Wilderness of Suicide Grief
)))))))))))))))RANDOM TOPIC((((((((((((((((
((((((((((((MASHED POTATOES)))))))))))))
A few days ago> I made mashed potatoes from a pouch. They weren't completely awful, but they were watery the next day which was kind of gross and they don't taste anything close to real potatoes. I would never have gotten away with that if Kenny were alive, and there is NO WAY Kenny would eat them. One of Kenny's favorite foods was homemade mashed potatoes; there were nights that we would make a giant pot of mashed potatoes and that would be dinner.
It was one of the few foods Kenny learned how to make. I taught him the good way to make potatoes and I have to say our mashed potatoes are pretty darn yummy! He started out by just mashing the potatoes because he said it looked fun. We like to keep 'em a little chunky with lots of butter,, and a little sour cream. A little low on salt for some people but that can always be added. I have to have pepper on mine but not too much in the pot.
Kenny liked mashed potatoes so much that he decided to make a giant pot for someone's party. He used an entire bag of potatoes and made them all on his own from peel to boil to mash. To keep them warm he put them in a very large crock pot and took them to the party. He came home with nearly the entire pot. I remember he came home very disappointed that nobody ate his potatoes after he spent so much time making them. We ate mashed potatoes for days and we were still not able to eat them all. Eventually we were able to laugh about it.
Element of the day (day 77)
#67) Ho- Holmium-]metal
Discovered in 1878 by Per Theodore Cleve, Sweden and M.Delafontaine and J.Soret, Switzerland.
Has unusual magnetic properties and it is used in working with strong magnetic fields. It is also used in certain alloys.
Obtained from bastnasite and monazite,(where it occurs as an impurity), mined in the USA, China, Russia, Australia, and India.
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