My entire world is falling apart and I need you here to give me one of your special hugs. Even with losing everything, I think one of your hugs would make me feel a little better.
I almost broke down while checking out at Trader Joe's tonight, but somehow I managed to only cry a little. I heard someone say "she's not the same as she used to be"-I don't know if it was real or imagined but I thought to myself: "my son is dead, how is it possible that I will ever be the same again?" I remember all the times we laughed while shopping there together. I didn't buy any of your favorites, like chocolate covered sunflower seeds or the little pizzas. I never buy the frozen pizzas anymore> you were the only one who ate them. I think I haven't bought the fruit jellies neither, not once since you died.
When I went to the car, I cried very hard, loud sobs. I had to make myself stop for fear of being seen. Once I began driving, I cried again. The cashier gave me a bouquet of tulips because he could see I was about to have a meltdown. It was a kind gesture, completely by surprise and unnecessary but I like looking at them. I have them in a vase on your windowsill.
 |
| Tulips from a stranger 10/19/12 |
Oh Kenny, my life is so dim without you and the hurting never stops> there are random moments when the pain lessons for a few seconds but it always returns. I stripped your bed and washed your sheets today. I am going to use one of them for the quilt I am making from your clothes. I have to design a pattern, and figure out exactly what to do but I have ideas on how to put it together. I may wrap it around Ravenne when she dies or keep it in my car- I am not sure.
I don't know what to do with your pig banks. I DON'T WANT TO PUT THEM IN A BOX TO BE GONE FOREVER!!!!! It is breaking my heart- Jheremy is getting the one from Great Grandma Tanis and I am keeping the last one I bought you from Las Vegas. Grandma Mary took the one from New Mexico and I don't know what will happen to the rest. I wanted to save them for when I had my own kitchen but it seems that I will be living on the streets with my dog in the months to come. Unless a miracle happens- you don't believe in miracles you say? I know--I wonder if that has changed now that you are in the spirit world.
 |
| Kenny's pig bank collection |
I have continued to collect bottle caps for you. Since you're gone, I started keeping them in a separate container. I added an orange one tonight from a pumpkin ale I drank. An all orange bottle cap- I can see you liking that one.
 | |
| -BOTTLECAPS-- |
Well, my darling son- it's getting to be the last hour of the night. I miss you very much--do you have any idea?? I think I saw you in my dreams early this morning but I couldn't really remember. Please come for a visit tonight. Give me a hug and a silly smile. I LOVE YOU KENNY!! Someday we will be together again, and if Ravenne should go before me, please promise me son that you will watch over her until I am there to be together with you both.
Maybe introduce her to my mom. Its strange that you are the same age. I was thinking about that today. Wondering if time passes over you. You should have been 21 this week and I don't know how old my mother would be. Both dead at the age of 20, I don't think I like that number. Ha-ha I know. I miss you so, so much~I wish I could breathe life back into you and have you here~ I know that's not possible, there are not those kind of miracles. Could God even do it?? You have no body anymore--do you still look like you? How long are your curls and are you able to touch anything??
There are more questions than answers. Sometimes I wonder if there are any answers and who has them anyway?
Love, Hugs, and Kisses,,
Mom*
Element of the day (day 79)
#69) Tm- Thulium-]metal
Discovered in 1879 by Per Theodore Cleve, Sweden.
Used in portable X-ray machines, to produce magnetic ceramics and alloys with other metals. Has few other uses.
Obtained from bastnasite and monazite, mined in the USA, China, Russia, Australia, and India.
No comments:
Post a Comment