Kenny's memory candle for this month just blew out- kind of amazing. My emotions are so high I don't know how I will be able to sleep tonight. Today I got a little piece of my faith back, and even though I do not feel totally healed there is hope in my heart once again. Even with that there is still a lot of hurt. I cried so much today but I also laughed and felt my spirit lift a little. Its as if there are layers and layers twirling in a spiral and I am slowly moving upward to the tip of the spiral where there is light and love and joy. I am no longer on the bottom maybe somewhere on the third rung with many more to go to reach the top. I pray I can get there before the time comes for this blog to end.
Kenny's one year anniversary is fast approaching and his birthday is even nearer. I wonder if it will be a day of celebration or a day of sorrow. Most likely a mixture of both. There are thoughts in my head but they seem to be engulfed in a cloud and I cannot get to them. I hope I am better able to convey my feelings in the future.
+++++RANDOM TOPIC+++++-- the dvr light--
Kenny liked to sleep in total darkness. There is a dvr beneath his tv and it emits a very bright blue light. It used to drive Kenny crazy so he started to put a Nintendo 64 game in front of it to block the light. I remember seeing this random game on his shelf and I asked him about it-that's when he told me of the light and how it bothered him and kept him from sleeping. The game is still there however, most of the time I don't use it. To be honest, most of the time when I sleep in Kenny's room I leave the tv on with the volume on mute so I don't have to be in darkness. Last night I had so much trouble sleeping and for some reason the light from the tv bothered me so I turned the tv off. After awhile of tossing and turning, the bright blue light really bothered me so I covered it with the game the way Kenny used to do.
Kenny's dvr is still set to record the shows he recorded when he was alive. One of them is 'the Colbert report'. Sometimes late at night, I watch that show from his dvr and imagine Kenny is laughing with me...I think I will watch it now [:-D
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