91* Happy Birthday Callie

It is the end of my first Halloween without Kenny. This is the first year I didn't see any of my children on Halloween because Vincent was not here either.Mostly, it was a very sad day for me. Halloween will never ever be the same. Even though I decorated and got dressed in a makeshift, somewhat costume it was not a great day.

Luckily, I kept myself busy most of the day painting and decorating a frame for Callie's birthday present; which was a picture I found from our trip to Disneyland a couple years ago. It was taken on the Splash Mountain ride--Kenny, Jheremy, and Callie are in the picture. I'm glad I was able to give her a picture she didn't already have.The best part of my day was taking Callie her birthday present and having a little visit with her and her family. Kenny loved Callie very much--she was his best friend in the way only a girl can be. She will always have a very special place in my heart.
                  ~~**HAPPY BIRTHDAY CALLIE**~~
Also, I made her a card:

                     
Here is a picture of Kenny and Callie on the last Halloween Kenny dressed up. I REALLY miss seeing him dress up. Last year was the first year his entire life he did not dress up.I wonder if that was another sign...oh well, I will never know.

Kenny and Callie- Halloween 2010

  Aren't they adorable?? YES!!!

Element of the day (day 91)
#89) Ac- Actinium-] radioactive -Actinide Series  
Discovered in 1899.
Minute amounts in uranium-bearing rock. Produced in very small amounts in nuclear reactors.

90* Different

Kenny's room feels empty, although not much has changed in it. I keep thinking of how different life was in this house last year. Vincent was out having all kinds of Halloween fun most of the month--this year he hasn't gone out once. Last Halloween Kenny, Vincent and Johan went to 3rd Realm--the Haunted Places where Tommy was working. They stayed out all night and had many stories the next day. 

It's the kind of thing I miss hearing about--and knowing about. It was the best feeling knowing Kenny and Vincent were hanging out, having a good time together, being the way brothers are supposed to be. They were always together. Hanging out here, in Kenny's room>>night after night, laughing and talking, watching videos and playing games. My quiet presence doesn't give any life to this room the way the boys did together.There is no comparison, and no comfort for what's missing.

I feel extremely nauseous>>I don't want this month to end.I don't want it to be November--this being without Kenny is not getting any easier. I don't know why I thought it would. I was so under the impression if I lived through the first year; somehow it would get easier, but that must have been a lie I was telling myself to help me make it from one day to the next. I know the year isn't completely over but it feels like my entire life is ending as the year comes closer.

I am split in two--the part of me who has all these thoughts and ideas in my mind and the part of me that has no desire to open my eyes and see another day. Why do I feel this way?? Is that how it is supposed to be? I haven't read from my book for awhile--I've been so wiped out the past week that I had forgotten about it until now. Maybe I will read it in the morning.

Maybe I will dream of something new and will wake up happy. Wow, wouldn't that be different?

Until tomorrow...

Element of the day (day 90)
#89-103) Actinide Series
All Actinides (Nos. 89-103) are radioactive metals and most are not found in nature, but created in laboratories.   

89* Radium

So so tired...........

Element of the day (day 89)
#88) Ra- Radium-] radioactive  
Discovered in 1898 by Marie and Pierre Currie, France.
Radioactive as well as chemically active, reacting with air, water, and acids. Used to treat cancer and in making luminous paints and glow-in-the-dark watch dials, but for the most part it is no longer used for these purposes.

A decay product of uranium, so it is found in small amounts in all uranium-bearing rocks. It was chiefly obtained as a by-product of uranium processing. It is seldom collected anymore. 

88* darkness

   Everyday I live through is filled with horrible reminders that life is cruel and full of terrible people.For every good person there are at least five bad people, and there are no other Kennys....selflessly caring and forgiving to all who harmed him. I cannot even say that of myself,I hold anger to those who harmed him.Those who pretend that they didn't. Some of them were at his service and didn't deserve to be,,with their cruel words about him. Do they think the words were forgotten? No, he held them to himself,,made himself believe he was unworthy when he was the kindest and most worthy of all. And so many of the people he left behind don't have a clue as to what he left us.What he gave to those who knew him--even those who didn't like him or didn't take the time to know him or those who should have loved him but were too busy. Too many people are still too busy to take the time to care, to really care. I suppose they feel if it is ignored, it will disappear=but what if it disappears in a way they didn't expect? A way that would make a normal heart hurt? Maybe there are no normal hearts, maybe there is no no normal at all. Maybe the numbness of not feeling takes away all that should be a heart. People need to be numb> not feel> not care. I wish the world would have more Kennys.Are they out there--hidden in the darkness?

   There is so much darkness and so little light--> I want to go where the light is--I want to be with my son and my mom and my grandmas.This world is full of so much worry and unhappiness,, I just want to take Ravenne and go...

Until tomorrow...

Element of the day (day 88)
#87) Fr- Francium-] radioactive  
not found naturally or occurs in such minute amounts that it does not reasonably exist on Earth.  
Discovered in 1939 by Marguerite Perey, France.
A highly radioactive metal. A decay product of uranium. So rare, that a weighable amount of francium has never been produced.

Estimated that no more than 30 grams of francium exists at any one time on Earth.  
 

  

  

87* sleep

I've had a never-ending headache every day this entire week. It makes it very hard for me to think. I am extremely tired and sleepy all the time. I feel like I can't get enough sleep--I have napped half the days this past week, it is not like me to nap so much. My dreams have been dark and cloudy, Kenny has been in them a lot the last few nights. I see him and I feel he is trying to tell or show me something in my dreams; however, there is confusion swirling around in my mind when I wake and I can't remember clearly.
***--------------------------*
I am going to miss Kenny's bed when I have to move
----------------------------]]]
there is a green spot on Kenny's wall I never noticed before

[[[----------------------------
Kenny liked going to yard sales and buying odd trinkets

I don't go to yard sales anymore :(
   Until tomorrow... 

Element of the day (day 87)
#86) Rn-Radon-] radioactive  
Discovered in 1900 by Friedrich Dorn, Germany.
Originally named niton. A colorless, odorless gas. It is the heaviest gaseous element, highly radioactive, eventually decaying into lead. used in cancer treatment. It also has an interesting use in earthquake prediction.

A decay product of uranium, thorium and radium. Occasionally found dissolved in certain hot spring waters. 

86* At

I am totally exhausted,,but Vincent will have a super clean place to move into thanks to me, Aunt Trich and my mother-n-law. I need sleep, sleep, sleep.  
   Until tomorrow...

Element of the day (day 86)
#85) At-Astatine-]radioactive  
not found naturally or occurs in such minute amounts that it does not reasonably exist on Earth 
Discovered in 1940 by Dale Corson, K. Mackenzie and E. Segre of the USA.
A dark colored, metallic looking solid, somewhat similar to iodine. There is almost no natural astatine on Earth and only microscopic amounts have been produced artificially. Astatine is too rare to have any industrial or commercial uses.

It is estimated that the entire Earth's crust only contains about 30 grams of astatine. 

85* Polonium

Element of the day (day 85)
#84) Po-Polonium-] radioactive--
not found naturally or occurs in such minute amounts that it does not reasonably exist on Earth.
Discovered in 1898 by Marie Curie, France.
A radioactive silvery-gray metal. The metal will actually evaporate over time. Used as a heat and thermoelectric power source aboard satellites. The most stable isotope of polonium has a half-life of 102 years.

Polonium is a decay product of uranium; found in minute amounts in uranium ore. Produced in the laboratory. 

84* top 9 elements

The Top 9 Elements in our Solar System are:
   (percentages by weight)
Hydrogen      91.04%
Helium           8.81%
Oxygen          0.08%
Carbon          0.03%
Neon              0.01% 
Nitrogen        0.01%
Magnesium   0.004%
Silicon           0.003%
Iron               0.003%  


Element of the day (day 84)
#43) Tc- Technetium-] radioactive   
not found naturally or occurs in such minute amounts that it does not reasonably exist on Earth.
Discovered in 1937 by Carlo Perrier & Emilio Segre, Italy.
A silvery-gray radioactive metal. Has a fairly short half-life, so any natural technetium on Earth has long since disappeared. Can be artificially produced. Found in cool, red stars. Has few commercial uses- is a superconductor at very low temperatures and is used in medical radiation imaging as a tracer.

Was the first artificially produced element. Does not exist in the Earth's crust.

83* Et cetera

So mi Mama gave me a long, loving lecture on how I can't give up because I need to think of my children and what would Vincent do without me?? Et cetera, et cetera. I think it was just what I needed to hear to get myself refocused on all the important stuff I have to deal with now!
Speaking of>>Vincent just called for a small favor-> that's laughable, as Kenny would say.
==========\==========/==========\==========/
I have lists and lists in my head:
   stuff to do for Vincent's move
   13 years of stuff in the house
   packing? selling? storage?
   work
   dog 
   car
   mail
   Kenny's stuff
   quilt
   candles
   railroad nail
   Breaking Dawn part 2
   things for Jheremy
   cards
   Halloween
   pictures
   periodic table
   packing
   packing
   packing 
        etc. etc.
Oh, and finding a place for Ravenne & I to live... Ay ya yi!

>>AND THE TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS AGAIN!!!
Until tomorrow...

Element of the day (day 83)
#57-71) Lanthanide Series-]the previous ten days.
 
Often called the Rare Earths, our ability to recover these elements is fairly new, making them available for modern, technological uses.   
 
 
         

82* (3) missing slivers

My heart has been shattered to pieces the way a mirror falls apart when it is thrown to the ground.

I feel the scattered pieces can never be put back together again because there will always be tiny slivers that are missing.  

I know I will miss Kenny for the rest of my life. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't wish he was here. ANYWHERE,  here on Earth.

I am restless> I am anxious> I am waiting for this life to end...yet at the same time, waiting for it to begin....

*~Callie, Ben, and Kenny on graduation night--June 2010~*

 

  

82* (wee hours of the morning)-DECEMBER 22nd

I have been awake since just before 3am--it is beginning to be a pattern that it is driving me crazy. I wake up between 2 and 3 am every morning since Kenny's birthday. Maybe he wants me to make his birthday cake-- ha ha, it's a thought that just popped into my head. I will try to do that today. Although to me, it seems too late. Maybe that saying "better late than never" applies to the birthday cake. Lemon cake is rather delicious-> I was honestly shocked that Kenny liked it so much. 

A few years ago, I made a lemon cake- following a recipe that my great aunt had passed onto my grandmother, and my grandmother passed onto to me.This time it was for mi Mama's 60th birthday; however, I remember the first time my Grandma Estanislada and I made it together. My boys were very young- it was the only time my grandma came to visit Fresno after she moved back to her hometown in New Mexico. My Grandma Tanis(as I called her) was one of the sweetest people to ever live on this Earth! After she died on December 22, 1998 -> Kenny was the sweetest person left on Earth that I knew. He was only seven years old then. 

I always tell the story of when my Grandma Tanis died. I was the last family member to see Grandma alive; I went to visit her during her last days on Earth, in New Mexico. I flew there alone-and went to be with her in the hospital. I knew she wanted to see me because we were extremely close. She took me in when I graduated from high school. I went to my graduation festivities-} left for Monterey the next day with my bff, Melissa and another friend-} stayed there for a week-} then returned to my parents-} and moved into my grandma's house the very same day I got back from Monterey. My grandmother was a saint--she should be canonized in the Catholic church. There was no other person as kind, faithful, or loyal as my Grandma Tanis.

Anyway, my grandmother (such a lovely person) grew up in the very small town of Belen, New Mexico- the place where my father and I were born. In fact, the same doctor delivered both me and my father. Sorry,,I keep losing track with details. As I was saying about Belen--it is a place where it snows every winter. Beautiful, sparkly snow that lasts for a few minutes to a few days at a time; but not the kind of snow that interrupts daily routines for the most part.

As a young woman, Grandma Tanis moved to California; where she got married, and eventually moved to the San Joaquin Valley. Grandma used to always say she missed the snow. Every winter she would say "it doesn't snow in Fresno, I wish it snowed in Fresno." On December 22, 1998 it snowed in Fresno. That is the day my wonderful grandmother died. I left the hospital, it was horribly difficult to let go of my grandma's hand. I can still feel our fingers lingering on those last few seconds as I walked away. I took a cab to the airport. Within a half hour Grandma Tanis passed away. I think I was boarding the plane. There was a small flurry of snowflakes as the plane lifted for take off. However, IT SNOWED IN FRESNO THAT DAY!!! The day my grandma died Fresno got the most snow I have known of in 45 years of life. The ground was covered with beautiful, sparkly snow. My three sons were in this very house and they went outside to play in the snow. My ex-husband took pictures of the house and my car covered in snow. He also took pictures of the boys in the backyard with snow falling around them. It was the kindest thing Michael ever did for me. I always say it snowed that day because of my Grandma Tanis's spirit. I say she used her special spirit magic to make it snow in Fresno on the day she died because that was always one of her lifetime wishes.

Well, there's nothing more I can say to top that story so I will sign off again for now.
Until later today...I wonder what the day will bring...

Love and "PEACE" to all~~ especially all those loved ones who have passed before me:

Noemi Robles Grigsby--my mother-} Oct. 1968

Bernarda Lerma--my kindest caretaker and grandmother-}May 1988

Estanislada Romelia Sanchez Grigsby-} my lovely, loving grandmother-} December 1998

Kenny Salvatore Cipolla-} my beautiful, kindest, loving, goofiest, darling son-} November 2011

I MISS ALL OF YOU SO MUCH WITH ALL MY HEART <3