It's 1:18 am and I cannot sleep. I keep thinking of Kenny and the end of his life, and all the people who were there to help me through the devastation of those first days proceeding the crisis.
I was still in shock all of the days following Kenny's death. What made it real to me were all the people who surrounded me with love and care.Michael (the boys' father) was the first person to come to the house,it seemed as if only two minutes had passed since Vincent called him. How brave it was for Vincent to take on the responsibility of calling his dad. I didn't have to ask him, he said he would make the call. Mike and I didn't talk- he went to Kenny's room and then he was gone but I could see in his eyes his heart was crushed.
Mi mama was the next person to get to the house. I think I was sitting on the step in front of the house when she rushed to my side. I must have been hysterical-all the officers and coroner were still there.I remember Vincent got angry with them for bombarding me with questions- he said something like "You need to stop- you're making this worse for her" in a powerful, booming voice. At that moment I felt the protection from my son. He is such a strong young man-so much stronger than me. I know he was hurting, yet he was watching out for me. Before I knew it, my sister-in-law Michelle was there. She came out of nowhere and put her arms around me. The officials were talking to everyone, I don't have any idea what was being said but I remember the feeling of dread and chaos. For some reason we were across the street and I was sitting on the curb sobbing like crazy. Michelle led me back to my house.It was about that time when my dear friend Angela was driving by our house,taking her son Johan(Vincent's incredible friend) to work. They stopped because they saw the scene in front of our home. When we told them what happened to Kenny, Johan immediately called his boss and said there was an emergency and that he wouldn't be going to work. Then he called 'the gang' and they took him to be with his friends away from all the madness. I am eternally grateful to all of them for gathering around Vincent.Vincent stayed with friends for about two weeks-only coming home to pick things up and to stay with Jheremy and I for a night,the last night Jheremy was in town-he stayed for a week!
I can't remember the state I was in when I called Jheremy. He was the second person I called-]the call after mi Mama.I don't even know how I told him; although I'm sure I heard him fall to his knees. It was heartbreaking to tell him his brother had killed himself and it was even more heartbreaking to hear him crying on the other side of the phone. Thankfully, he was not alone and he was able to be with his girlfriend and friends on that horrific night. He was so far away but he made arrangements to come instantaneously and he was here the next day. He was my rock once he came home. He, along with Mike and his Grandpa Ken took care of all the arrangements for Kenny's service. I would never have been able to do that.There was so much indecision the following days about what to do with Kenny's body/burial. Ken asked me if I minded if Kenny was cremated and I said I was adamant that I get to see him one more time and say good-bye to my boy, other than that it didn't matter to me. Ken was the man- he made sure there was a good-bye service.
Ken and his wife(my in-laws) arrived at the house shortly after Vincent left. In all the confusion of what was going on they thought it was Vincent who had died.They were both in tears and they kept asking over and over "where is Vincent?"-"what happened to Vincent?"--when I said he had gone with friends they were bewildered, then they asked "where is Kenny?",I said Kenny went to the morgue and they both burst into greater tears and sobs. Ken's knees buckled beneath him and we had to catch him by the shoulders.It isn't that losing Vincent would have been any less heart shattering, it was the initial stab that Kenny was gone.Not to mention that Kenny was Ken's namesake. Kenny was named after Mike's father and grandfather;Kenneth after Ken, Mike's dad and Salvatore after Mike's grandfather, whom we called Grandpa Sam. It was the name Mike wanted with a passion to name his first born son-and he wanted so much to be the one to give his dad the first grandson. His wish was granted and I was happy to let him name Kenny.
Ken and Jheremy were the two people who made sure Kenny's service came together. Jheremy was insistent that I get what I wanted; which was seeing Kenny, getting back his driver's license and picking Kenny's clothes for his service.Once Jheremy was here, he took charge of what was going on-it must have been so difficult for him. He was stoic and courageous, taking care of so much and pushing his emotions aside. It is incredible to me that he was able to do that through his grief.I felt horrible that he was not being comforted enough because he was busy working with all the details. He is truly amazing, and Ken was so kind-> he was always so kind. He passed away on June 8,2012 and Grandpa Sam passed away years ago so now they are all in heaven, or wherever great souls go together.
Other than mi Mama and Jheremy, the only other person I told about Kenny was Ben.I tried calling Callie (Kenny's other best friend) but I couldn't reach her and when we spoke she already knew. It was Ben and Callie who contacted the friends. They are the reason so many young people and teachers who knew Kenny showed up at his service.
I think it was my brother Nick who called my best friend forever, Melissa-we've been friends since we met freshman year in high school. I know at some point that evening she called me and drove from Visalia to stay with me that night. She brought me a fuzzy purple blanket that I lived with for months.And I also remember Eliora being there, she is a very special friend of the family- I think of her as the daughter I never had because I've known her since she was a young teen. At one time she was Jheremy's girlfriend but now she is like family. I was a disastrous mess and so many lovely people came to my rescue.I could never have gotten through those first days without them.I don't know how I ever survived at all or how I'm still doing it. Must be by the grace of G-d!!
Kenny's memory candle is still glowing-I brought it to Kenny's room to shine through the night. I will turn the lights off now and pray to see Kenny in my dreams.
Until later today....it is 3:07am
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