There are people who are still mad at Kenny for ending his life; I've had a few moments when I've been really angry with him but for the most part I only miss him. Now is one of the those times that I miss him very much. I am sad, sad, sad and even though there are many who won't understand;it was Kenny who would be the one to make me feel a little better. He would give me a hug- a very nice hug-sometimes he would offer words of comfort but not often because he would normally say something cynical like "see mom, whats the point of life?" Then I would tell him something positive, something I believed then but don't know if I believe now.
When Kenny was here there was a sweetness in my life that is missing now. Kenny was the sweet one in the family- the one who smiled and brightened my day. Although he was depressed much of the time he made me laugh so much; even the way he rolled his eyes when he didn't believe all my "life is good" talk was amusing and gave me hope that he wouldn't give up. Now I am the one who wants to give up--not only because Kenny is gone but for so many other reasons. If only I could reconnect with some of that faith I used to have; if only I could find the answers I know are out there.
I believe in G-d and I believe in angels and Spirit and magic but it just seems as if they have all disappeared from my life in my despair. I cannot open myself to anything with everything in my life going wrong at once. There are too many hurts piling up on top of the other and I am buried in pain so deep I may never be able to dig myself up. I wonder if Kenny felt this- I wonder what he said to himself as he walked down the tracks with his head hanging down. The conductor said he blew the whistle three times as he tried to stop the train in time. It did not stop Kenny- he kept walking and didn't look up until the second before his death, the second the train hit him- Instantaneously says the report. I thought about that the other day. I went to the tracks in the heat of the day and sat in the spot that is marked where Kenny was hit by the train. The steel was blazing hot and burned my butt so I got up and walked down the track in the opposite direction of what Kenny would have walked. I can never make it through the entire walk anymore. Only in the early weeks after his passing was I able to do it->when I still believed I could connect with his spirit somehow but now it has been so long I don't know if I ever will. I mean, there have been some signs, some very amazing signs that he is sometimes trying to communicate with me, only none of them are as direct as I hope for. Maybe I should seek the counsel of a medium. Maybe Kenny would tell me to not give up the way I used to tell him. It is a thought however, I doubt it will turn into an action.
Today's the first day of Libra~Kenny's astrological sun sign. He wasn't into astrology and I'm not sure if he remembered his sign, although I told him many times during his life and we talked about the characteristics associated with his sign and how they influenced his personality. Its been awhile since I kept up with astrology but there was a time when I knew very much about it. Now its just another thing I have given up, lost track of that once was a part of my persona. Well, all this is making me more depressed so I am going to stop for now. I strongly need a little magic in my life at this time before I give up for good.
'TEARS''TEARS'''TEARS''''TEARS'''''TEARS''''''TEARS'''''''TEARS............
Element of the day (day 52)
#49) In- Indium-] metal
Discovered in 1863 by Ferdinand Reich and Hieronymous Ridchter, Germany.
A very soft, very shiny, silvery-white metal. Once thought to be very rare, but now is believed to be fairly abundant. Has a low melting point and is used in making low melting alloys for safety devices and solders. Some indium compounds are used in transistors, photo-conductors, photocells and thermistors.
Most is obtained from zinc processing in Canada, Russia, Australia and China. It occurs in only few minerals, such as indite.
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