Today has been a very thoughtful day. I thought of Kenny walking down the tracks---I know I have repeatedly said I wonder what Kenny was thinking as he walked down the tracks to his death. Actually, I wonder if he was mad at me for not figuring it out and being there to stop him. I was the one who let him out the door, knowing something was not normal. I had no suspicion of what he was going to do but it had always been me who stopped him before that fateful day. I knew something was off;however, I was not feeling well so I failed to grasp what was really happening. I sat on the couch as he walked out of the house and out of my life.I'd like to know what was he feeling as he left-- Determination?Excitement? Anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Hatred? Did he leave this life hating me? He didn't say he loved me...he didn't leave me a note.He didn't drop any hints to let me figure it out.Maybe all the love he once shared had deflated out of him and he didn't love me anymore. That's a thought that haunts me, did he leave this world not loving me anymore? Did he blame me for not giving him hope the way I blame myself? How do I forgive myself for that if I don't know if he forgave me? HOW??? I'm sorry Kenny, I'm so so sorry...I would have intervened had I been in-tuned enough to know. A little more time Kenny, all you needed was a little more time>>changes would have been good. I would never have given up on you. Oh my darling son, why did you have to give up? Why did you want to leave in such a severe manner? Did you think it was your only option? Such craziness>>horrible, bizarre craziness!!!
Last night, for the first time since Kenny died I looked on and read his facebook page. I left a message months ago but I did not read anything or look at anything then. On October 30,2011 @9:52 pm he posted a comment: "Twisted and contorted, I pull the final strings on my mortal plan." Was that the sign I missed? I never saw it before--was he letting the world know? So many questions...As I am writing this I am listening to 'Moonsong' from a post left by Ben the night Kenny died.Calling Ben that day was the hardest phone call I had to make and although I will keep the details of our conversation private I remember all that was said and all that was silent.
This is too much for me now so I will say goodnight to the world, goodnight to anyone who reads this and goodnight to my child who flies above me,, at least in my imagination.
--REST IN PEACE-- Kenny Salvatore Cipolla
I will always, always love you<3
Element of the day (day 54)
#51) Sb-Antimony -] metal
Discovered in Antiquity.
A very brittle, bluish-white metallic substance. Used as an alloy to harden other metals. Also in semiconductors, diodes, infrared detectors, batteries, bullets, paint pigments, enamels, glass, pottery and flame-proofing compounds. Most important use for antimony is fire-retardant chemicals added to plastics and textiles, especially children's clothing. Also used in forest fire fighting.
Found in pure form. Mainly from the mineral stibnite and commonly is a by-product of lead-zinc-silver mining, mined in Russia, China, Bolivia, South Africa and Mexico.
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