A few months ago, my aunt and cousin gave me a book titled The Wilderness of Suicide Grief-finding your way. I am in my third attempt of reading this book. The first time I tried, I made it through the Introduction and a few pages into the first chapter. The words resounded strongly with how I felt at the time but I kept breaking down so I stopped reading. The second time I completed the first chapter entitled Touchstone One-Open to the Presence of Your Loss with the intention to attend to my healing process, around the time I started this blog.Then once again, I stopped reading. This week I began reading again.Each time I re-read the book from the beginning.
Today,I read the second chapter.The last three pages really hit home for me and outline all that I have been feeling. Here is an abbreviated caption:
Loss of self: losing connection with -self/ identity/
self-confidence/ health/ lifestyle--this has been so true for me and at this part of my journey I am still in the throes of this loss and the one that follows;
Loss of meaning: losing connection with -goals and dreams/ faith/ will & desire to live/ joy
On the last page of the chapter Touchstone Two-Dispel the Misconceptions About Suicide and Grief and Mourning there is a list of realistic expectations,while I have deeply felt them all I will now share the three that offer me the most hope;although I haven't quite come to agreement with all of them yet.
- Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less. (definitely true)
- You don't "get over" grief; you learn to live with it. (haven't reached that place yet)
- You will not always feel this bad.
(don't believe this to be true)
[pg. 32, The Wilderness of Suicide Grief ]
There is a small amount of consolation knowing that all I am feeling is considered to be "somewhat normal" for what I have experienced in losing Kenny. Even though there are still many moments I feel like I am losing my mind, I realize that life's trials compound the pain I am already living with and there is the possibility that if I can successfully live through all the changes ahead I might reach a place where I can live with the loving memory of Kenny in place of the painful loss.
As part of my commitment to keeping this blog and trying to heal my heart I am going to continue to read at least a chapter per week and try to follow the guidelines of each touchstone. There is a total of ten touchstones so I will see how it goes... Until tomorrow, I am completely emotionally untouchable> I feel numb and my thoughts are a combination of cynical and cruel. It is not a good mindset so I hope I wake up feeling differently tomorrow*
Element of the day (day 53)
#50) Sn- Tin-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in Antiquity.
A soft, pliable, silvery-white metal. Does not corrode in air or water making it ideal for storing food. Used as a coating for other metals and in alloys, such as solder, pewter and bronze. Window glass is made flat by floating molten glass on molten tin. Also used in polymer additives, for dyeing, and anti-fouling paints for ship hulls. Bronze is an alloy of tin and copper, the discovery of which led to the Bronze Age.
Obtained from cassiterite mined in China, Brazil, Indonesia, Malaysia and Bolivia.
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