Let me start by saying today has been an exceptionally difficult day...
Either yesterday or the day before as I was doing dishes looking out of the window at the people going up and down the street, I started thinking about why it is I keep myself locked up in the house most of the time. I had been to the bank earlier and the teller knew my son Vincent from his high school.She saw us walk in together because Vincent had driven me to the bank (it was the day he told me I don't do anything anymore). She asked me if I was his mom and after I replied "yes", she asked me how he was doing and what was he doing now; then she asked me if he had any siblings. Being from the high school I was surprised she didn't know so I told her that Vincent had an older brother and another brother who passed away last year. I had to bite my lip to keep myself from total meltdown, although I couldn't keep the tears completely away. Naturally, I was unhappy the rest of the day, thinking of how it seems impossible to escape the reminders of Kenny's death.
That's what I was thinking about and how much I don't want to have to tell anybody anymore that Kenny is dead.I don't want to run into people and have them ask me how my children are doing or are they in college now.I don't want my eyes to tear up when I have to answer that I am a mother less one son. Shouldn't the entire world know already?? Why must there be more reminders that I have lost my son.And of course something happened to put me in that position again. After walking my dog this morning I checked the mail and what should be in the mailbox??? A piece of mail for Kenny- an advertisement from our car insurance company. I was so upset and angry. I called them right away and told the representative in a very distraught tearful voice that I wanted him taken out of their system because he is dead and that I had already informed them that he is dead! I don't want any more mail coming with his name on it. Why should it? He's not here anymore--sometimes I just want to not be here either. Not be anywhere>>no one understands that the longer he is gone the more difficult it becomes.
I want to see him, I want to talk to him and hear him answer me. I don't want to sleep in his room because he is not here- I don't want to stay alone in this house that was once his home- I don't want to hear people tell me that he is in heaven and is at peace. I want him here- I want to hear him laugh, and cry, and talk about his friends and his day at school and his video games. I want this overwhelming sadness to disappear forever. When will there be someone who says "I understand,, I get it". I know I should move on- do this, that, and the other but sometimes I just can't....
I was watching a show with Reba McEntire the other day and there was a segment when she started talking about her band that was killed in an airplane crash. She started tearing up and was shaking her head,saying "it's been 20 years--ya know the hurting never goes away". I suppose that is going to be the sentiment of my life and I have to say it is very unappealing. I'm not interested in spending a lifetime in misery and heartache. I completely understand how Kenny felt when he thought he would be miserable forever and didn't want to continue living that way. And as much as I hate it- I know that in his mind he made the decision to take his own life because for him it was the best thing to do; however for me, it was the worst thing he could do.And there is no consolation in understanding his decision, instead there is heartache in that knowledge.I want to escape the pain but I don't know how to do that so I try to face the pain, feel it, live it and hope that someday I will have grieved enough, felt enough of the terrible to mend pieces of my broken heart even if it is never whole again. How can it be? There will always be the piece that is torn where Kenny will be...
~~^^~~RANDOM TOPIC~~^^~~
(^^)$$$~ Piggy Banks
Although he received his first pig bank as a 'Welcome to the World' gift from his great-grandmother when he was born, Kenny did not actually start collecting them until after he was in high school. At that time, pigs weren't very popular or commonly found. Now it seems there are pig banks everywhere with practically any costume imaginable. Most of Kenny's are pretty plain.He has a total of 13 of them in his room of various sizes and colors; 10 of those are lined up in a row from smallest to largest on the top of his headboard on his bed.
It's odd how the collection started-just one of those fluke things that happen.We were in Ventura visiting Ariel, a friend of Kenny's and we went to the largest swap meet I've ever been to. I can't remember if she talked him into buying it or if he chose it on his own, anyhow he found a pig with an unusual paint job and he liked it and that's how it all began. From then on I would buy him a pig bank as a souvenir from places I went from time to time and randomly he would buy one.Not that he ever used any of them for anything other than decoration. He never kept any money in any of them, typical Kenny--it's a laugh,, and funnier than that was sometime around Christmas 2010 before he started his 2nd semester of college he came home with a very large (the biggest in his collection) pig bank that says college fund. He came into the house smiling and giggling carrying the bank in a Target bag, then he pulls it out and says "hey mom, I'm gonna start a college fund" and we both started cracking up because he was on financial aid and that is where the money came from for him to buy the pig. That memory still makes me laugh :-))!!
The following is a description of his 13 pig banks:
1^^) by far the cutest bank- white with purple flowers, green and brown leaves, and swirls painted on it->the only one with eyebrows and a curly tail
~gift from his Great Grandma Tanis on the day he was born, Oct.1991
2^^) colorful bank- divided into for sections;blue, green, orange, and yellow each with a different flower painted on it-> it has eyelashes
~ Kenny bought it at Ventura swap meet, 2008
3^^) pirate piggy- black with gray ears,feet and eye patch-> also has skull & crossbones on each side, wearing a smile
~Kenny bought it during the time
he was going thru his skull faze, 2009
4^^) plain denim blue colored with black pencil dot eyes
~ Kenny bought it, 2009
5^^) matte black medium sized with white pencil dot eyes and nostrils
~ Kenny bought it because it was black and he
liked it more than the blue, 2009
6^^) fiesta bank from New Mexico with pueblo and chilis
~ souvenir from me, Jan.2010
7^^) little pink one 'Route 66' on it-> with pretty eyes and carved smile
~ souvenir from me from trip to NM, July 2010
8^^) mini metallic gold with black pencil dot eyes
~ Kenny bought it at Target, Oct.2010
9^^) very round white ghost pig->with pencil dot eyes and nostrils
~ Kenny bought it around Halloween, 2010
10^^) giant white pig inscribed 'COLLEGE FUND'-> with black graduation cap, came with a tassel that has since been lost
~ Kenny bought it at Target, Dec. 2010
11^^) yellow San Francisco with city scene and golden gate bridge
~ souvenir from me, Jan.2011
12^^) very cute orange tiger bank with black stripes-> only one not a pig
~ Kenny found it at a block sale, spring 2011
13^^) little black one with Las Vegas hotel names all over in many bright colors-> has orange heart eyes and nostril
~ souvenir from me, August 2011
Element of the day (day 31)
#23) V-Vanadium-] metal
Necessary for full health in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1801 by Andreas del Rio, Mexico.
A soft, shiny, bright silvery-white metal. Corrosion-resistant. As an alloy, considerably hardens and strengthens other metals. Used in armor plating, piston rods, crankshafts and where a very strong metal is needed. Also in ceramics, glass, dyes, and as a chemical catalyst.
Occurs in many minerals in minute quantities. Not mined from any specific mineral, but rather obtained as a by-product from other minerals production. Minerals include carnotite, descloizite, patronite and vanadnite.
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