Today has been very emotional so far and I don't anticipate it will get any better. It is my youngest son's 20th birthday so I forced myself to get up early because I was hoping to find the big container of gumballs for his very cool, old fashioned gumball machine I gave to him for his last birthday. Unfortunately, Walmart was out of them so my day did not get off to a very good start, and my Starbuck's coffee wasn't very tasty- the salt was missing from the salted caramel which was a big let-down because I hardly ever buy Starbuck's anymore, being unemployed and all...ha ha hardy ha.
From there I came home to make his special treats, then decided to try Target for the gumballs. I was getting worried about the time but I really wanted to get him gumballs,and me, having spent most of the week with my brain off didn't think of it sooner. If only I had unpacked the grocery bag I would have noticed I bought the wrong toffee pieces but of course I did not so when I returned home with two small bags of gumballs I discovered I had the wrong toffee bits; by then it was too late to do anything about it. I got them made and baking in the oven as fast as I could because it was the only thing Vincent asked for his birthday (he does not want to celebrate other than that). Naturally, Vincent noticed that they taste different- I offered to remake them with the right ingredients but he let me off the hook; however, he has only eaten one which makes me feel terrible for screwing them up!
Other than those terrible things happening I used the clean space on Kenny's red rug to wrap Vincent's gifts and make his card. I think it will be the last time this space is used for wrapping gifts. Thinking about that made me a little sad; although in a way it is special that the last gift I will wrap in Kenny's room is Vincent's last birthday present given to him in this house. I'm sure if Kenny were here he would have bought Vincent some unusual gift that only Kenny and Vincent would understand. Kenny had a way with giving gifts like that- his friend Ben used to say that. Thankfully, Ben is here hanging out with Vincent for a bit--it brings tears to my eyes and warms my heart that Ben and Vincent have become friends. I think Kenny is smiling from above knowing that. Today I gave Ben a couple things from Kenny's room. One is a very cute plush Kooba character that looks like a turtle--it hasn't been determined if Kenny bought it for Kenny or if Kenny bought it for Ben although it doesn't matter; either way it belongs to Ben now. The other is a gift that Ben made for Kenny- a carving on metal written in Kenny's special language which is a bunch of symbols I am unable to interpret. Kenny kept it on his bedpost and I remember him showing it to me when he received it, it had special meaning to him.
After Vincent unwrapped his gifts, I went to the grocery store. Now, I would like it to be understood that I don't purposely think of Kenny all day. It's just that there are so many things that remind me of him and then the hurt hits me. That is what happened at the store- I saw a Halloween display and the tears welled up in my eyes. I already felt bad because of the mistake with the toffee treats and the bad feeling turned into a terrible feeling in the store. Halloween was super big for Kenny; actually all of us really. We loved Halloween and Kenny had many Halloween themed birthday parties and cakes, but I will save more of those stories for another time. Anyway, the display made me cry so I was walking around the store wiping my tears, feeling like an idiot. I don't mean for that to happen and it makes me unhappy that people don't understand that I can't stop the tears from coming even if I want to. I feel like some people think I am trying to torture myself with the memories, I have had people say that to me. It's heart wrenching not being understood--the pain of the loss is deep enough; only to be multiplied with the lack of empathy. There are so many days I wake up still that I don't want to move, and although I make myself do it, I rarely feel any better going through my day because there are so many unexpected moments of brutal heartbreak and they make me want to give up on everything. Nearly every day the thought goes through my mind: "I just don't want to be here anymore", I do wonder if that thought will ever go away and stay away. I wonder if the day will come when I will feel happy again and will make plans and have dreams because at this time there are none...for now I am emotionally drained with no smile in sight.
Until tomorrow and
Happy Birthday Vincent #20
Element of the day (day 46)
#42) Mo-Molybdenum -] metal
Critical for life processes in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1781 by Peter Hjelm, Sweden.
A very hard, lustrous, silvery-white metal. Has the fifth highest melting point of any element, so it is alloyed with steel and for many applications that must resist high temperatures. Adds strength to steels used in pipeline, auto frames, and armor plate. Used in electrodes, as a catalyst, as a high-temperature lubricant, in paints and various chemicals.
Chiefly obtained from the minerals molybdenite and wulfenite. Mined in Canada, Chile, Russia and the USA.
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