Have you ever started to make a change in your life and after a little bit of progress you fall back into the way it was? That's where I am at today.I take a few steps forward and then I fall right back down again. I try and try to take care of life's little problems but even minor unresolved issues seem to be overwhelming. Everyday something goes wrong-I get physically hurt or have setback after setback.It makes me wonder, why keep going?? I mean is there really a point? I know there is supposed to be but it may truly be over for me. Maybe my only purpose was to be a parent to my three sons,, and now two are grown and one is gone. Maybe Kenny's only purpose was to survive childhood- he certainly felt as if his life was done and he had no future purpose on this Earth. He lived through his hell the best he could and then he decided he couldn't do it anymore. He lived all he wanted, learned what he needed and ended it when he wanted.
I don't know if I can say all that is the same for me but I certainly don't feel there is any future purpose I can think of, and life is a living hell. It's all grim and fire and no matter how I fight to get through it I keep getting knocked down..one problem after another and I'm not sure I have the strength to keep going. "Don't give up" I say but it's not what I feel. I sometimes think its all hardship ahead of me and maybe this is a strange message from above that this life is over for me.I mean I even failed saving my son and maybe I will never be able to get over that feeling-that thought that stays with me even when I try to push it away. I'm the mom- I'm the one who was supposed to watch over him and help him through the hard times, give him hope. If I couldn't do it for him, how can I ever have hope for myself now? Whenever I make any move in the direction of hope and healing there are so many obstacles and even if it is my own heart, my own grief or my own mind that is in the way;they are with me, a part of me and if I destroy them further there will be nothing left of me. I've lost so much of me already>>I lost my desire for life, my hopes, my dreams, my faith.My son held so much of that for me.I think somewhere deep inside I thought if I could help him hold onto any of those then it would help me hold onto mine. I was always trying hard to instill that into him-to show him if you beat the struggle it will all work out, and he was always telling me it was hopeless and there is no point."Why do it?" he would say, "does it really matter?" Maybe he is the one who was right, I don't know...but right now there doesn't seem to be any answers that are reassuring. Life feels like an unending punishment.My mind is tired, my body is weary, and my heart is hurting..once again I can't see through the tears in my eyes and I feel totally hopeless.
Element of the day (day 36)
#28) Ni-Nickel-] metal
Necessary for full health in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1751 by Axel Cronstedt, Sweden.
Shiny, malleable, silvery-white metal. Common in meteorites-is often used to determine if a stone is a meteorite or not. Most is used in alloys with steel especially stainless steels. Also in catalysts, and as a plating to protect other metals. Important part of ni-cad batteries. Used extensively in coins.
Primary minerals are garnierite, mined in Australia, New Caledonia, Russia, Indonesia, Cuba and the Dominican Republic, and pentlandite mined in Canada, Russia, Australia and South Africa. Canada produces about 30% of the world's sulfide nickel.
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