Well, today is day 60-half way through the blog. I seem to be catching on to what I intended to create. It's all moving forward from here...
I found this list of Misc. Info on a page of Kenny's little black notebook:
Ducks facts
Weight 1.4kg
Top speed 55 km/m 15.28mls
Life span 8years
Size 50cm
Wingspan 82cm
Meteor facts
Weight minimum 8300 kg
Speed average 40km/sec
Meteor momentum 3.32 x 10 to the 3rd power kg mls
Ducks average momentum 21.392 kg mls
15,519,320.5 ducks/ meteor
Naturally, I have no idea why he has this random page of information but when I saw it, it made me think "just like Kenny to have a page like this"--he did like ducks quite a bit. There were a pair of ducks that visited our front lawn every spring for years, when Kenny was young he would chase them; as he got older he would watch-we took pictures about the fourth or fifth year they showed up. I have the pictures somewhere...
Element of the day (day 60)
#75) Re- Rhenium-] metal
Discovered in 1925 by Walter Noddack, Ida Tacke adn Otto Berg, Germany.
Very dense, very rare metal. It has the third highest melting point of all metals. Used in high temperature alloys, especiallly in filaments and flash bulbs for photography. Also in electrical contact points, thermocouples and as a catalyst.
There are no known rhenium minerals. Occurs in molybdenum and beryllium minerals as an impurity. Primarily recovered from copper ores containing molybdenum.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
59*(2) family and friends
It's 1:18 am and I cannot sleep. I keep thinking of Kenny and the end of his life, and all the people who were there to help me through the devastation of those first days proceeding the crisis.
I was still in shock all of the days following Kenny's death. What made it real to me were all the people who surrounded me with love and care.Michael (the boys' father) was the first person to come to the house,it seemed as if only two minutes had passed since Vincent called him. How brave it was for Vincent to take on the responsibility of calling his dad. I didn't have to ask him, he said he would make the call. Mike and I didn't talk- he went to Kenny's room and then he was gone but I could see in his eyes his heart was crushed.
Mi mama was the next person to get to the house. I think I was sitting on the step in front of the house when she rushed to my side. I must have been hysterical-all the officers and coroner were still there.I remember Vincent got angry with them for bombarding me with questions- he said something like "You need to stop- you're making this worse for her" in a powerful, booming voice. At that moment I felt the protection from my son. He is such a strong young man-so much stronger than me. I know he was hurting, yet he was watching out for me. Before I knew it, my sister-in-law Michelle was there. She came out of nowhere and put her arms around me. The officials were talking to everyone, I don't have any idea what was being said but I remember the feeling of dread and chaos. For some reason we were across the street and I was sitting on the curb sobbing like crazy. Michelle led me back to my house.It was about that time when my dear friend Angela was driving by our house,taking her son Johan(Vincent's incredible friend) to work. They stopped because they saw the scene in front of our home. When we told them what happened to Kenny, Johan immediately called his boss and said there was an emergency and that he wouldn't be going to work. Then he called 'the gang' and they took him to be with his friends away from all the madness. I am eternally grateful to all of them for gathering around Vincent.Vincent stayed with friends for about two weeks-only coming home to pick things up and to stay with Jheremy and I for a night,the last night Jheremy was in town-he stayed for a week!
I can't remember the state I was in when I called Jheremy. He was the second person I called-]the call after mi Mama.I don't even know how I told him; although I'm sure I heard him fall to his knees. It was heartbreaking to tell him his brother had killed himself and it was even more heartbreaking to hear him crying on the other side of the phone. Thankfully, he was not alone and he was able to be with his girlfriend and friends on that horrific night. He was so far away but he made arrangements to come instantaneously and he was here the next day. He was my rock once he came home. He, along with Mike and his Grandpa Ken took care of all the arrangements for Kenny's service. I would never have been able to do that.There was so much indecision the following days about what to do with Kenny's body/burial. Ken asked me if I minded if Kenny was cremated and I said I was adamant that I get to see him one more time and say good-bye to my boy, other than that it didn't matter to me. Ken was the man- he made sure there was a good-bye service.
Ken and his wife(my in-laws) arrived at the house shortly after Vincent left. In all the confusion of what was going on they thought it was Vincent who had died.They were both in tears and they kept asking over and over "where is Vincent?"-"what happened to Vincent?"--when I said he had gone with friends they were bewildered, then they asked "where is Kenny?",I said Kenny went to the morgue and they both burst into greater tears and sobs. Ken's knees buckled beneath him and we had to catch him by the shoulders.It isn't that losing Vincent would have been any less heart shattering, it was the initial stab that Kenny was gone.Not to mention that Kenny was Ken's namesake. Kenny was named after Mike's father and grandfather;Kenneth after Ken, Mike's dad and Salvatore after Mike's grandfather, whom we called Grandpa Sam. It was the name Mike wanted with a passion to name his first born son-and he wanted so much to be the one to give his dad the first grandson. His wish was granted and I was happy to let him name Kenny.
Ken and Jheremy were the two people who made sure Kenny's service came together. Jheremy was insistent that I get what I wanted; which was seeing Kenny, getting back his driver's license and picking Kenny's clothes for his service.Once Jheremy was here, he took charge of what was going on-it must have been so difficult for him. He was stoic and courageous, taking care of so much and pushing his emotions aside. It is incredible to me that he was able to do that through his grief.I felt horrible that he was not being comforted enough because he was busy working with all the details. He is truly amazing, and Ken was so kind-> he was always so kind. He passed away on June 8,2012 and Grandpa Sam passed away years ago so now they are all in heaven, or wherever great souls go together.
Other than mi Mama and Jheremy, the only other person I told about Kenny was Ben.I tried calling Callie (Kenny's other best friend) but I couldn't reach her and when we spoke she already knew. It was Ben and Callie who contacted the friends. They are the reason so many young people and teachers who knew Kenny showed up at his service.
I think it was my brother Nick who called my best friend forever, Melissa-we've been friends since we met freshman year in high school. I know at some point that evening she called me and drove from Visalia to stay with me that night. She brought me a fuzzy purple blanket that I lived with for months.And I also remember Eliora being there, she is a very special friend of the family- I think of her as the daughter I never had because I've known her since she was a young teen. At one time she was Jheremy's girlfriend but now she is like family. I was a disastrous mess and so many lovely people came to my rescue.I could never have gotten through those first days without them.I don't know how I ever survived at all or how I'm still doing it. Must be by the grace of G-d!!
Kenny's memory candle is still glowing-I brought it to Kenny's room to shine through the night. I will turn the lights off now and pray to see Kenny in my dreams.
Until later today....it is 3:07am
I was still in shock all of the days following Kenny's death. What made it real to me were all the people who surrounded me with love and care.Michael (the boys' father) was the first person to come to the house,it seemed as if only two minutes had passed since Vincent called him. How brave it was for Vincent to take on the responsibility of calling his dad. I didn't have to ask him, he said he would make the call. Mike and I didn't talk- he went to Kenny's room and then he was gone but I could see in his eyes his heart was crushed.
Mi mama was the next person to get to the house. I think I was sitting on the step in front of the house when she rushed to my side. I must have been hysterical-all the officers and coroner were still there.I remember Vincent got angry with them for bombarding me with questions- he said something like "You need to stop- you're making this worse for her" in a powerful, booming voice. At that moment I felt the protection from my son. He is such a strong young man-so much stronger than me. I know he was hurting, yet he was watching out for me. Before I knew it, my sister-in-law Michelle was there. She came out of nowhere and put her arms around me. The officials were talking to everyone, I don't have any idea what was being said but I remember the feeling of dread and chaos. For some reason we were across the street and I was sitting on the curb sobbing like crazy. Michelle led me back to my house.It was about that time when my dear friend Angela was driving by our house,taking her son Johan(Vincent's incredible friend) to work. They stopped because they saw the scene in front of our home. When we told them what happened to Kenny, Johan immediately called his boss and said there was an emergency and that he wouldn't be going to work. Then he called 'the gang' and they took him to be with his friends away from all the madness. I am eternally grateful to all of them for gathering around Vincent.Vincent stayed with friends for about two weeks-only coming home to pick things up and to stay with Jheremy and I for a night,the last night Jheremy was in town-he stayed for a week!
I can't remember the state I was in when I called Jheremy. He was the second person I called-]the call after mi Mama.I don't even know how I told him; although I'm sure I heard him fall to his knees. It was heartbreaking to tell him his brother had killed himself and it was even more heartbreaking to hear him crying on the other side of the phone. Thankfully, he was not alone and he was able to be with his girlfriend and friends on that horrific night. He was so far away but he made arrangements to come instantaneously and he was here the next day. He was my rock once he came home. He, along with Mike and his Grandpa Ken took care of all the arrangements for Kenny's service. I would never have been able to do that.There was so much indecision the following days about what to do with Kenny's body/burial. Ken asked me if I minded if Kenny was cremated and I said I was adamant that I get to see him one more time and say good-bye to my boy, other than that it didn't matter to me. Ken was the man- he made sure there was a good-bye service.
Ken and his wife(my in-laws) arrived at the house shortly after Vincent left. In all the confusion of what was going on they thought it was Vincent who had died.They were both in tears and they kept asking over and over "where is Vincent?"-"what happened to Vincent?"--when I said he had gone with friends they were bewildered, then they asked "where is Kenny?",I said Kenny went to the morgue and they both burst into greater tears and sobs. Ken's knees buckled beneath him and we had to catch him by the shoulders.It isn't that losing Vincent would have been any less heart shattering, it was the initial stab that Kenny was gone.Not to mention that Kenny was Ken's namesake. Kenny was named after Mike's father and grandfather;Kenneth after Ken, Mike's dad and Salvatore after Mike's grandfather, whom we called Grandpa Sam. It was the name Mike wanted with a passion to name his first born son-and he wanted so much to be the one to give his dad the first grandson. His wish was granted and I was happy to let him name Kenny.
Ken and Jheremy were the two people who made sure Kenny's service came together. Jheremy was insistent that I get what I wanted; which was seeing Kenny, getting back his driver's license and picking Kenny's clothes for his service.Once Jheremy was here, he took charge of what was going on-it must have been so difficult for him. He was stoic and courageous, taking care of so much and pushing his emotions aside. It is incredible to me that he was able to do that through his grief.I felt horrible that he was not being comforted enough because he was busy working with all the details. He is truly amazing, and Ken was so kind-> he was always so kind. He passed away on June 8,2012 and Grandpa Sam passed away years ago so now they are all in heaven, or wherever great souls go together.
Other than mi Mama and Jheremy, the only other person I told about Kenny was Ben.I tried calling Callie (Kenny's other best friend) but I couldn't reach her and when we spoke she already knew. It was Ben and Callie who contacted the friends. They are the reason so many young people and teachers who knew Kenny showed up at his service.
I think it was my brother Nick who called my best friend forever, Melissa-we've been friends since we met freshman year in high school. I know at some point that evening she called me and drove from Visalia to stay with me that night. She brought me a fuzzy purple blanket that I lived with for months.And I also remember Eliora being there, she is a very special friend of the family- I think of her as the daughter I never had because I've known her since she was a young teen. At one time she was Jheremy's girlfriend but now she is like family. I was a disastrous mess and so many lovely people came to my rescue.I could never have gotten through those first days without them.I don't know how I ever survived at all or how I'm still doing it. Must be by the grace of G-d!!
Kenny's memory candle is still glowing-I brought it to Kenny's room to shine through the night. I will turn the lights off now and pray to see Kenny in my dreams.
Until later today....it is 3:07am
Saturday, September 29, 2012
59* signs from Kenny
 |
| Kenny's memory candle-Sept 2012 |
This morning I tried hard to wake up but I couldn't, I slept till 11am. I have been lighting a large white candle on the 29th day of every month in honor of his memory. I didn't write his notes until early afternoon so it was late when I lit it today. I also hang the yin-yang medallion my brother Matt gave me on it while it is lit. Kenny wore a yin-yang necklace which he left with Vincent to give to his best friend Ben the night before he died. When I told Ben about Kenny's death he asked me if he could have the yin-yang necklace. I was very upset because I didn't know where it was. The officer who identified him and the coroner both said they had found nothing of Kenny's and he didn't have it with him. Vincent's friend Johan had gathered Vin's gang (Johan, Tommy and Rob) and they took him to Tommy's house where they stayed and kept him sane. I don't know what would have happened to Vincent without them,,he might have lost his mind. He and Kenny were so very very close. They hung out in Kenny's room everyday and night until Vincent would go to sleep in his room. Vincent did not sleep at home for several days so we did not know he had the necklace for Ben.
My brother Matt and some of his friends took flashlights to the railroad tracks and looked for it for hours the night 'the crisis' happened. Then they went back the next day. Sometime during the day I heard a whisper in my ear "I took care of it Mom". I remember telling mi Mama what I heard and that I didn't think the yin-yang was at the tracks. After my oldest son Jheremy flew to Fresno from Portland, Vincent's friends brought him home to see Jheremy. Matt was determined to find the necklace for me so I could honor Ben's only request. He and his friends were at the tracks when Vincent came home. Jheremy told him we were looking for the necklace and Vincent pulled it out of his pocket. I was incredibly relieved and then I recalled the whisper in my ear. I believe it was Kenny talking to me. It is the only time I have actually heard his whisper so clearly and real.
As a way to honor Kenny and his yin-yang, my brother Matt bought five yin-yang medallions and had them inscribed with: Kenny Cipolla 10/15/91 to 11/29/11. He gave one to me, Jheremy, Vincent, mi Mama and kept one for himself. It was an extremely touching and thoughtful gesture. Matt wears his on a black cord all the time. It took me several months to find just the right necklace to put it on, but finally I found a beaded chain with gray and black beads that I put it on. I wear it all the time except when I hang it on his monthly memory candle. Last month Kenny's candle turned black on the inside of the glass, it is the only time that has happened and I think it is kind of odd- maybe another sign from Kenny- I don't know.
 |
| Kenny's candle-August 2012 |
Until tomorrow, enjoy the full moon...
Element of the day (day 59)
#74) W- Tungsten-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1783 by Juan Jose and Fausto Elhuijar, Spain.
Unaffected by air, acids or bases. Has the highest melting point of any element, often used in alloys that must resist great amounts of heat, such as light-bulb filaments. Also in television tubes, paints, lubricants, tanning leather, fluorescent lighting. In high-strength applications, such as furnaces, missiles, dental drills and other cutting tools.
Chiefly obtained ffrom the minerals scheelite and worlframite from China, Russia, Portugal, Austria and Bolivia. China has about 75% if the world's reserves of tungsten.
Friday, September 28, 2012
58* Kenny's hair
Today I had the craziest deja-vu> down to the words on the t.v. which I no longer remember. I was sitting Indian style on Kenny's bed, facing the window with the curtains closed and all the piggy banks staring at me. I was playing spider solitaire on me laptop (an activity Kenny hated); I know! I always think that when I am playing-"Kenny wouldn't want me playing this." I've been in a lot of pain today (female pain) so I'm dressed very casual and I have the air hitting me from the box fan faced in front of me. It's barely been an hour since I moved the fan to be on the other side of the room,,WEIRD>> it came to me out of nowhere, I wasn't even thinking of anything in particular. I remember the first time I saw this image I thought:"why am I in Kenny's room?" It must have been a very long time ago. Every time I have deja-vu I think- this means I am where I am supposed to be. I guess I am on the right path for now. Maybe there is a positive change coming into my life. G-d knows I need it!!!
Having the deja-vu makes me remember another story. It was a different dream I had seven or eight years ago. It's a dream I shared with my boys because it freaked me out and over the last few years I wonder if it would have been better off left unsaid; although now I don't think it makes any difference. At the time, Jheremy was still living at home. I think he was 17 or it was around his 18th birthday. I had a dream that one of my sons died at the age of 20. I really thought it was Jheremy in my dream so I told him about it- I told him to be very careful. Jheremy has always had an adventurous spirit- he's done so much more and been many places that no one else in our family will ever go and in my dream my child died in an accident-hit by something. I thought it was a car but I suppose I didn't remember it all correctly. Unfortunately, telling Jheremy about the dream freaked him out->he even told his closest friends about me telling him he was going to die when he was 20. When he lived to be 21, everyone was relieved. It never occurred to me that it could be one of my other sons I would lose because they were so much younger. As it turned out when Kenny was 20 he looked a bit like Jheremy at 20- similar build, similar hair..it was the golden brown curly hair that sticks in my mind--well its an unpleasant thought and an unhappy memory but it makes me wonder about the subconscious mind and the places we go in our dreams.
{{{~~RANDOM TOPIC~~}}}
~~Kenny's hair story~~
Kenny started letting his hair grow long during his early teens. His hair was golden brown in color, and very curly. As it grew longer, his hair had many ringlets or as I liked to call them "curly Qs". For many years, Kenny just let his hair grow and grow, it was several inches past his shoulders and it was gorgeous, curly hair that he let hang down around naturally. I loved his hair, I was envious that he had such beautiful curls.
It was during the summer a few years back when Kenny made the drastic change out of the blue. I thought it was another typical weekend that Kenny went to his Grandpa Ken's to go swimming and spend the night. Well, I was wrong about that. Kenny left on a Friday afternoon with his long, flowing hair a quarter of the way down his back and he came home Saturday afternoon practically bald. He walked in the door with the most joyous expression on his face as my jaw dropped to see all his gorgeous hair gone. He was carrying a plastic bag and he announced "Here's my hair, mom" and he put the bag on the kitchen table; where it remained for a few weeks. I put my hand in the bag and held the curls that were once on his head. I wish I had saved some of that hair. I don't have any locks of his curls, it is one of those things that I really wished I had.
It's kind of funny about Kenny and his hair-after that year, he would cut his hair every summer and then let it grow until the following summer. It became a thing for him the last couple years of his life.
After the initial shock of the first time he buzzed his head, I got used to it. He was born fairly bald, he had red fuzz but then he lost it. After that he was the baldest baby ever and he was probably close to a year before he had any noticeable hair. I didn't take him for a hair cut until he was three. There's a slight possibility I have one of his curls saved from his first hair cut but I'm not sure. I will be cleaning out the garage soon so I will look through all his baby stuff.
That's all for now~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next day that
Element of the day (day 58)
#73) Ta- Tantalum-] metal
Discovered in 1802 by Anders Ekerburg, Sweden.
Almost impervious to air,water adn all but a few acids. Third highest melting point of all elements. Uses are surgical tools and replacing bone or torn tissue, in alloys that have high melting points and high strength. Alloys used in a variety of high-stress applications, such as nuclear reactors, cutting tools, missiles, aircraft and chemical processing equipment.
Occurs principally in columbite, tantalite and samarskite, mined in Australia, Brazil, Canada and Central Africa.
Having the deja-vu makes me remember another story. It was a different dream I had seven or eight years ago. It's a dream I shared with my boys because it freaked me out and over the last few years I wonder if it would have been better off left unsaid; although now I don't think it makes any difference. At the time, Jheremy was still living at home. I think he was 17 or it was around his 18th birthday. I had a dream that one of my sons died at the age of 20. I really thought it was Jheremy in my dream so I told him about it- I told him to be very careful. Jheremy has always had an adventurous spirit- he's done so much more and been many places that no one else in our family will ever go and in my dream my child died in an accident-hit by something. I thought it was a car but I suppose I didn't remember it all correctly. Unfortunately, telling Jheremy about the dream freaked him out->he even told his closest friends about me telling him he was going to die when he was 20. When he lived to be 21, everyone was relieved. It never occurred to me that it could be one of my other sons I would lose because they were so much younger. As it turned out when Kenny was 20 he looked a bit like Jheremy at 20- similar build, similar hair..it was the golden brown curly hair that sticks in my mind--well its an unpleasant thought and an unhappy memory but it makes me wonder about the subconscious mind and the places we go in our dreams.
{{{~~RANDOM TOPIC~~}}}
~~Kenny's hair story~~
Kenny started letting his hair grow long during his early teens. His hair was golden brown in color, and very curly. As it grew longer, his hair had many ringlets or as I liked to call them "curly Qs". For many years, Kenny just let his hair grow and grow, it was several inches past his shoulders and it was gorgeous, curly hair that he let hang down around naturally. I loved his hair, I was envious that he had such beautiful curls.
It was during the summer a few years back when Kenny made the drastic change out of the blue. I thought it was another typical weekend that Kenny went to his Grandpa Ken's to go swimming and spend the night. Well, I was wrong about that. Kenny left on a Friday afternoon with his long, flowing hair a quarter of the way down his back and he came home Saturday afternoon practically bald. He walked in the door with the most joyous expression on his face as my jaw dropped to see all his gorgeous hair gone. He was carrying a plastic bag and he announced "Here's my hair, mom" and he put the bag on the kitchen table; where it remained for a few weeks. I put my hand in the bag and held the curls that were once on his head. I wish I had saved some of that hair. I don't have any locks of his curls, it is one of those things that I really wished I had.
It's kind of funny about Kenny and his hair-after that year, he would cut his hair every summer and then let it grow until the following summer. It became a thing for him the last couple years of his life.
After the initial shock of the first time he buzzed his head, I got used to it. He was born fairly bald, he had red fuzz but then he lost it. After that he was the baldest baby ever and he was probably close to a year before he had any noticeable hair. I didn't take him for a hair cut until he was three. There's a slight possibility I have one of his curls saved from his first hair cut but I'm not sure. I will be cleaning out the garage soon so I will look through all his baby stuff.
That's all for now~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 One day this |
| Kenny before he cut his hair-2008 (with Jheremy and Vincent) |
 |
| Kenny after he buzzed his hair-2009 |
Element of the day (day 58)
#73) Ta- Tantalum-] metal
Discovered in 1802 by Anders Ekerburg, Sweden.
Almost impervious to air,water adn all but a few acids. Third highest melting point of all elements. Uses are surgical tools and replacing bone or torn tissue, in alloys that have high melting points and high strength. Alloys used in a variety of high-stress applications, such as nuclear reactors, cutting tools, missiles, aircraft and chemical processing equipment.
Occurs principally in columbite, tantalite and samarskite, mined in Australia, Brazil, Canada and Central Africa.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
57* the Wacky Character jacket
I feel so much like a yo-yo, up and down, up and down.|||
There's really nothing more to say today.
->->-> RANDOM TOPIC<-<-<- Kenny's crazy jacket
This is Kenny one day after school. He actually went to school wearing the EXIT sign. It was the random item of the day. I thought it would be a great idea to take a picture of him wearing it since he wore it to school. Kenny was not thrilled but I was finally able to talk him into taking a pic at the end of the day. I'm very glad I have this memento of that memory because it was just one of those quirky things Kenny did, and he never wore the EXIT sign again; however, he wore that sweat jacket everyday for two winters until he got mini bleach stains on it and the cuffs worn out and a bit ripped. It was the first jacket I was able to talk him into buying since he was a youngster. I think of it as his first 'cool jacket' as a teenager. Before this, everything he owned was very plain. He was drawn to this jacket and kept trying it on and putting it back- I knew he really liked it; it has so many bright and wacky characters on it that it fitted his personality perfectly. Buying it was one of those special things I was able to do for him that he felt he didn't deserve, but I knew he did and I expressed to him that he was definitely worth a cool jacket. We bought it at one of the surfing style stores in the mall. It was during the period of time Kenny liked to go to Hot Topic, probably during his skull faze which didn't last too long. I remember that day- I remember him trying on the jacket and I remember the happy feeling I had when we bought it and the giant grin on his face. It was a minor victory at the time.
This was the only jacket I wore last winter, I kept it on for several days after Kenny died...
Element of the day (day57)
#72) Hf-Hafnium-] metal
Discovered in 1923 by Dirk Coster and George von Hevesey,Denmark. Commonly occurs with zirconium. Most zirconium minerals contain a few percent hafnium, and hafnium and zirconium are the most difficult elements to seperate from one another. An unreactive metal,unaffected by air, water, most acids or bases. Used in the control rods of nuclear reactors, in high temperature alloys, light bulbs and ceramics.
Minerals are very rare. Chiefly obtained as a by-product of zirconium processing. Produced in Australia, South Africa and the USA.
There's really nothing more to say today.
->->-> RANDOM TOPIC<-<-<- Kenny's crazy jacket
 |
| "Are you really asking me to take a pic?" -2010 |
This is Kenny one day after school. He actually went to school wearing the EXIT sign. It was the random item of the day. I thought it would be a great idea to take a picture of him wearing it since he wore it to school. Kenny was not thrilled but I was finally able to talk him into taking a pic at the end of the day. I'm very glad I have this memento of that memory because it was just one of those quirky things Kenny did, and he never wore the EXIT sign again; however, he wore that sweat jacket everyday for two winters until he got mini bleach stains on it and the cuffs worn out and a bit ripped. It was the first jacket I was able to talk him into buying since he was a youngster. I think of it as his first 'cool jacket' as a teenager. Before this, everything he owned was very plain. He was drawn to this jacket and kept trying it on and putting it back- I knew he really liked it; it has so many bright and wacky characters on it that it fitted his personality perfectly. Buying it was one of those special things I was able to do for him that he felt he didn't deserve, but I knew he did and I expressed to him that he was definitely worth a cool jacket. We bought it at one of the surfing style stores in the mall. It was during the period of time Kenny liked to go to Hot Topic, probably during his skull faze which didn't last too long. I remember that day- I remember him trying on the jacket and I remember the happy feeling I had when we bought it and the giant grin on his face. It was a minor victory at the time.
This was the only jacket I wore last winter, I kept it on for several days after Kenny died...
Element of the day (day57)
#72) Hf-Hafnium-] metal
Discovered in 1923 by Dirk Coster and George von Hevesey,Denmark. Commonly occurs with zirconium. Most zirconium minerals contain a few percent hafnium, and hafnium and zirconium are the most difficult elements to seperate from one another. An unreactive metal,unaffected by air, water, most acids or bases. Used in the control rods of nuclear reactors, in high temperature alloys, light bulbs and ceramics.
Minerals are very rare. Chiefly obtained as a by-product of zirconium processing. Produced in Australia, South Africa and the USA.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
56* Mostly a good day
Although I didn't see Kenny in my dreams last night, today was mostly a good day even though now I am physically wiped out. I think I made a minor breakthrough with my recovery process and it's kind of a nice story how it happened. Yesterday, I contacted Dr. Salo (my spiritual/energy healer) for a possible spiritual reading.I told her I want to be connected with Kenny's spirit so she referred me to someone she knows who is a medium, and hopefully I will be able to see her soon.
Anyway, I was awake into the early morning hours editing the blog because the changes I made to the background made some of the earlier writings go very light. I was hoping to hear from the medium so I checked my email. I was disappointed not to hear from her; however, unexpectedly Dr. Salo sent me an email offering me a free session of sound therapy this morning and I went! Luckily, I happened to be checking my email in the wee hours of the morning or I would never have known about this wonderful opportunity- she's going out of town tomorrow so I would have missed my chance for healing until next week, and right now every day counts! Its been nearly a year since my last session-I hadn't gone since Kenny died.
I have much I want to share about sound therapy, but for now I need to rest so tomorrow there will be lots to say...
Element of the day (day 56)
#56) Ba- Barium-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals. pppp
Discovered 1808 by Sir Humphry Davy of England.
Soft silvery-white metal. Because it is insoluble in the body, barium sulfate is used as an X-ray tracer for the stomach and intestines. Also used for drilling fluids for oil exploration, as well as in paints, fireworks(green color),glass and rubber making. In water softeners, desiccants and rodent poisons.
Chiefly obtained from the minerals barite and witherite. Mined in China, India, and the USA.
Anyway, I was awake into the early morning hours editing the blog because the changes I made to the background made some of the earlier writings go very light. I was hoping to hear from the medium so I checked my email. I was disappointed not to hear from her; however, unexpectedly Dr. Salo sent me an email offering me a free session of sound therapy this morning and I went! Luckily, I happened to be checking my email in the wee hours of the morning or I would never have known about this wonderful opportunity- she's going out of town tomorrow so I would have missed my chance for healing until next week, and right now every day counts! Its been nearly a year since my last session-I hadn't gone since Kenny died.
I have much I want to share about sound therapy, but for now I need to rest so tomorrow there will be lots to say...
Element of the day (day 56)
#56) Ba- Barium-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals. pppp
Discovered 1808 by Sir Humphry Davy of England.
Soft silvery-white metal. Because it is insoluble in the body, barium sulfate is used as an X-ray tracer for the stomach and intestines. Also used for drilling fluids for oil exploration, as well as in paints, fireworks(green color),glass and rubber making. In water softeners, desiccants and rodent poisons.
Chiefly obtained from the minerals barite and witherite. Mined in China, India, and the USA.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
55* "On the Wrong Side" and a dream
So many things have gotten in my way of writing today. I had much in my mind that I wanted to say but it will have to wait.
I've been listening over and over to this song that makes me think of Kenny:
"On the Wrong Side" by Lindsey Buckingham;
I must be going
Kiss me goodbye
All the colors are changing
There's a tear in my eye
Hearts filled with passion
Eyes without sight
Oh, we never went runnin'
On the wrong side
All the faces of liars
And the faces of glass
Oh, they walked by the window
But they never got past
Action for action
Fight for fight
Oh, we never went runnin'
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
We never went runnin'
On the wrong side
I must be going
Kiss me goodbye
All the colors are changing
There's a tear in my eye
And I'll go on living
All the rest of my life
And I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
My hands are shaking as I type and a train went past on the tracks. I am rocking back and forth to hold myself together. When I hear this song I can picture Kenny taking that final lonely walk to the tracks. I wonder if there was a tear in his eye, and I think: 'he did go walking on the wrong side of the track toward the train that took his life'. He had always been timid of doing what was wrong...
I had a dream on March 14, 2012
My dream...
I was looking out a window, the sky was bright outside
Saw Jheremy and Kenny walking side by side
in long, dark overcoats
Kenny's hair was buzzed, shining gold in the sunlight
He looked older but Jheremy looked the same
Except they were both extremely tall and thin
Jheremy was talking although I could not hear what he was saying
Kenny was smiling his beautiful happy smile
They were passing by the window
Then Kenny turned his head and smiled directly at me
I smiled in my sleep surprised to see his face
Woke up-- 7:27am
I would love another dream of Kenny's smiling face
Until tomorrow...
Element of the day (day 55)
#55) Cs- Cesium-] metal
Beneficial, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1880 by Robert Bunsen and Gustov Kirchoff, Germany.
Softest of all metals, about as soft as wax. A very low melting point. If held in your hand, it would melt. Used in photoelectric cells, infrared lamps, special glass and in radiation monitoring equipment.
Only found in a few minerals. Chiefly obtained from pollucite. Mined primarily in Canada as well as Zimbabwe.
I've been listening over and over to this song that makes me think of Kenny:
"On the Wrong Side" by Lindsey Buckingham;
I must be going
Kiss me goodbye
All the colors are changing
There's a tear in my eye
Hearts filled with passion
Eyes without sight
Oh, we never went runnin'
On the wrong side
All the faces of liars
And the faces of glass
Oh, they walked by the window
But they never got past
Action for action
Fight for fight
Oh, we never went runnin'
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
We never went runnin'
On the wrong side
I must be going
Kiss me goodbye
All the colors are changing
There's a tear in my eye
And I'll go on living
All the rest of my life
And I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
On the wrong side
I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
I'll never go runnin'
On the wrong side
My hands are shaking as I type and a train went past on the tracks. I am rocking back and forth to hold myself together. When I hear this song I can picture Kenny taking that final lonely walk to the tracks. I wonder if there was a tear in his eye, and I think: 'he did go walking on the wrong side of the track toward the train that took his life'. He had always been timid of doing what was wrong...
I had a dream on March 14, 2012
My dream...
I was looking out a window, the sky was bright outside
Saw Jheremy and Kenny walking side by side
in long, dark overcoats
Kenny's hair was buzzed, shining gold in the sunlight
He looked older but Jheremy looked the same
Except they were both extremely tall and thin
Jheremy was talking although I could not hear what he was saying
Kenny was smiling his beautiful happy smile
They were passing by the window
Then Kenny turned his head and smiled directly at me
I smiled in my sleep surprised to see his face
Woke up-- 7:27am
I would love another dream of Kenny's smiling face
Until tomorrow...
Element of the day (day 55)
#55) Cs- Cesium-] metal
Beneficial, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1880 by Robert Bunsen and Gustov Kirchoff, Germany.
Softest of all metals, about as soft as wax. A very low melting point. If held in your hand, it would melt. Used in photoelectric cells, infrared lamps, special glass and in radiation monitoring equipment.
Only found in a few minerals. Chiefly obtained from pollucite. Mined primarily in Canada as well as Zimbabwe.
Monday, September 24, 2012
54* facebook and other catastrophes
Today has been a very thoughtful day. I thought of Kenny walking down the tracks---I know I have repeatedly said I wonder what Kenny was thinking as he walked down the tracks to his death. Actually, I wonder if he was mad at me for not figuring it out and being there to stop him. I was the one who let him out the door, knowing something was not normal. I had no suspicion of what he was going to do but it had always been me who stopped him before that fateful day. I knew something was off;however, I was not feeling well so I failed to grasp what was really happening. I sat on the couch as he walked out of the house and out of my life.I'd like to know what was he feeling as he left-- Determination?Excitement? Anger? Disappointment? Sadness? Hatred? Did he leave this life hating me? He didn't say he loved me...he didn't leave me a note.He didn't drop any hints to let me figure it out.Maybe all the love he once shared had deflated out of him and he didn't love me anymore. That's a thought that haunts me, did he leave this world not loving me anymore? Did he blame me for not giving him hope the way I blame myself? How do I forgive myself for that if I don't know if he forgave me? HOW??? I'm sorry Kenny, I'm so so sorry...I would have intervened had I been in-tuned enough to know. A little more time Kenny, all you needed was a little more time>>changes would have been good. I would never have given up on you. Oh my darling son, why did you have to give up? Why did you want to leave in such a severe manner? Did you think it was your only option? Such craziness>>horrible, bizarre craziness!!!
Last night, for the first time since Kenny died I looked on and read his facebook page. I left a message months ago but I did not read anything or look at anything then. On October 30,2011 @9:52 pm he posted a comment: "Twisted and contorted, I pull the final strings on my mortal plan." Was that the sign I missed? I never saw it before--was he letting the world know? So many questions...As I am writing this I am listening to 'Moonsong' from a post left by Ben the night Kenny died.Calling Ben that day was the hardest phone call I had to make and although I will keep the details of our conversation private I remember all that was said and all that was silent.
This is too much for me now so I will say goodnight to the world, goodnight to anyone who reads this and goodnight to my child who flies above me,, at least in my imagination.
--REST IN PEACE-- Kenny Salvatore Cipolla
I will always, always love you<3
Element of the day (day 54)
#51) Sb-Antimony -] metal
Discovered in Antiquity.
A very brittle, bluish-white metallic substance. Used as an alloy to harden other metals. Also in semiconductors, diodes, infrared detectors, batteries, bullets, paint pigments, enamels, glass, pottery and flame-proofing compounds. Most important use for antimony is fire-retardant chemicals added to plastics and textiles, especially children's clothing. Also used in forest fire fighting.
Found in pure form. Mainly from the mineral stibnite and commonly is a by-product of lead-zinc-silver mining, mined in Russia, China, Bolivia, South Africa and Mexico.
Last night, for the first time since Kenny died I looked on and read his facebook page. I left a message months ago but I did not read anything or look at anything then. On October 30,2011 @9:52 pm he posted a comment: "Twisted and contorted, I pull the final strings on my mortal plan." Was that the sign I missed? I never saw it before--was he letting the world know? So many questions...As I am writing this I am listening to 'Moonsong' from a post left by Ben the night Kenny died.Calling Ben that day was the hardest phone call I had to make and although I will keep the details of our conversation private I remember all that was said and all that was silent.
This is too much for me now so I will say goodnight to the world, goodnight to anyone who reads this and goodnight to my child who flies above me,, at least in my imagination.
--REST IN PEACE-- Kenny Salvatore Cipolla
I will always, always love you<3
Element of the day (day 54)
#51) Sb-Antimony -] metal
Discovered in Antiquity.
A very brittle, bluish-white metallic substance. Used as an alloy to harden other metals. Also in semiconductors, diodes, infrared detectors, batteries, bullets, paint pigments, enamels, glass, pottery and flame-proofing compounds. Most important use for antimony is fire-retardant chemicals added to plastics and textiles, especially children's clothing. Also used in forest fire fighting.
Found in pure form. Mainly from the mineral stibnite and commonly is a by-product of lead-zinc-silver mining, mined in Russia, China, Bolivia, South Africa and Mexico.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
53* touchstones
A few months ago, my aunt and cousin gave me a book titled The Wilderness of Suicide Grief-finding your way. I am in my third attempt of reading this book. The first time I tried, I made it through the Introduction and a few pages into the first chapter. The words resounded strongly with how I felt at the time but I kept breaking down so I stopped reading. The second time I completed the first chapter entitled Touchstone One-Open to the Presence of Your Loss with the intention to attend to my healing process, around the time I started this blog.Then once again, I stopped reading. This week I began reading again.Each time I re-read the book from the beginning.
Today,I read the second chapter.The last three pages really hit home for me and outline all that I have been feeling. Here is an abbreviated caption:
Loss of self: losing connection with -self/ identity/
self-confidence/ health/ lifestyle--this has been so true for me and at this part of my journey I am still in the throes of this loss and the one that follows;
Loss of meaning: losing connection with -goals and dreams/ faith/ will & desire to live/ joy
On the last page of the chapter Touchstone Two-Dispel the Misconceptions About Suicide and Grief and Mourning there is a list of realistic expectations,while I have deeply felt them all I will now share the three that offer me the most hope;although I haven't quite come to agreement with all of them yet.
- Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less. (definitely true)
- You don't "get over" grief; you learn to live with it. (haven't reached that place yet)
- You will not always feel this bad.
(don't believe this to be true)
[pg. 32, The Wilderness of Suicide Grief ]
There is a small amount of consolation knowing that all I am feeling is considered to be "somewhat normal" for what I have experienced in losing Kenny. Even though there are still many moments I feel like I am losing my mind, I realize that life's trials compound the pain I am already living with and there is the possibility that if I can successfully live through all the changes ahead I might reach a place where I can live with the loving memory of Kenny in place of the painful loss.
As part of my commitment to keeping this blog and trying to heal my heart I am going to continue to read at least a chapter per week and try to follow the guidelines of each touchstone. There is a total of ten touchstones so I will see how it goes... Until tomorrow, I am completely emotionally untouchable> I feel numb and my thoughts are a combination of cynical and cruel. It is not a good mindset so I hope I wake up feeling differently tomorrow*
Element of the day (day 53)
#50) Sn- Tin-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in Antiquity.
A soft, pliable, silvery-white metal. Does not corrode in air or water making it ideal for storing food. Used as a coating for other metals and in alloys, such as solder, pewter and bronze. Window glass is made flat by floating molten glass on molten tin. Also used in polymer additives, for dyeing, and anti-fouling paints for ship hulls. Bronze is an alloy of tin and copper, the discovery of which led to the Bronze Age.
Obtained from cassiterite mined in China, Brazil, Indonesia, Malaysia and Bolivia.
Today,I read the second chapter.The last three pages really hit home for me and outline all that I have been feeling. Here is an abbreviated caption:
Loss of self: losing connection with -self/ identity/
self-confidence/ health/ lifestyle--this has been so true for me and at this part of my journey I am still in the throes of this loss and the one that follows;
Loss of meaning: losing connection with -goals and dreams/ faith/ will & desire to live/ joy
On the last page of the chapter Touchstone Two-Dispel the Misconceptions About Suicide and Grief and Mourning there is a list of realistic expectations,while I have deeply felt them all I will now share the three that offer me the most hope;although I haven't quite come to agreement with all of them yet.
- Your grief will probably hurt more before it hurts less. (definitely true)
- You don't "get over" grief; you learn to live with it. (haven't reached that place yet)
- You will not always feel this bad.
(don't believe this to be true)
[pg. 32, The Wilderness of Suicide Grief ]
There is a small amount of consolation knowing that all I am feeling is considered to be "somewhat normal" for what I have experienced in losing Kenny. Even though there are still many moments I feel like I am losing my mind, I realize that life's trials compound the pain I am already living with and there is the possibility that if I can successfully live through all the changes ahead I might reach a place where I can live with the loving memory of Kenny in place of the painful loss.
As part of my commitment to keeping this blog and trying to heal my heart I am going to continue to read at least a chapter per week and try to follow the guidelines of each touchstone. There is a total of ten touchstones so I will see how it goes... Until tomorrow, I am completely emotionally untouchable> I feel numb and my thoughts are a combination of cynical and cruel. It is not a good mindset so I hope I wake up feeling differently tomorrow*
Element of the day (day 53)
#50) Sn- Tin-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in Antiquity.
A soft, pliable, silvery-white metal. Does not corrode in air or water making it ideal for storing food. Used as a coating for other metals and in alloys, such as solder, pewter and bronze. Window glass is made flat by floating molten glass on molten tin. Also used in polymer additives, for dyeing, and anti-fouling paints for ship hulls. Bronze is an alloy of tin and copper, the discovery of which led to the Bronze Age.
Obtained from cassiterite mined in China, Brazil, Indonesia, Malaysia and Bolivia.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
52* What to say...
There are people who are still mad at Kenny for ending his life; I've had a few moments when I've been really angry with him but for the most part I only miss him. Now is one of the those times that I miss him very much. I am sad, sad, sad and even though there are many who won't understand;it was Kenny who would be the one to make me feel a little better. He would give me a hug- a very nice hug-sometimes he would offer words of comfort but not often because he would normally say something cynical like "see mom, whats the point of life?" Then I would tell him something positive, something I believed then but don't know if I believe now.
When Kenny was here there was a sweetness in my life that is missing now. Kenny was the sweet one in the family- the one who smiled and brightened my day. Although he was depressed much of the time he made me laugh so much; even the way he rolled his eyes when he didn't believe all my "life is good" talk was amusing and gave me hope that he wouldn't give up. Now I am the one who wants to give up--not only because Kenny is gone but for so many other reasons. If only I could reconnect with some of that faith I used to have; if only I could find the answers I know are out there.
I believe in G-d and I believe in angels and Spirit and magic but it just seems as if they have all disappeared from my life in my despair. I cannot open myself to anything with everything in my life going wrong at once. There are too many hurts piling up on top of the other and I am buried in pain so deep I may never be able to dig myself up. I wonder if Kenny felt this- I wonder what he said to himself as he walked down the tracks with his head hanging down. The conductor said he blew the whistle three times as he tried to stop the train in time. It did not stop Kenny- he kept walking and didn't look up until the second before his death, the second the train hit him- Instantaneously says the report. I thought about that the other day. I went to the tracks in the heat of the day and sat in the spot that is marked where Kenny was hit by the train. The steel was blazing hot and burned my butt so I got up and walked down the track in the opposite direction of what Kenny would have walked. I can never make it through the entire walk anymore. Only in the early weeks after his passing was I able to do it->when I still believed I could connect with his spirit somehow but now it has been so long I don't know if I ever will. I mean, there have been some signs, some very amazing signs that he is sometimes trying to communicate with me, only none of them are as direct as I hope for. Maybe I should seek the counsel of a medium. Maybe Kenny would tell me to not give up the way I used to tell him. It is a thought however, I doubt it will turn into an action.
Today's the first day of Libra~Kenny's astrological sun sign. He wasn't into astrology and I'm not sure if he remembered his sign, although I told him many times during his life and we talked about the characteristics associated with his sign and how they influenced his personality. Its been awhile since I kept up with astrology but there was a time when I knew very much about it. Now its just another thing I have given up, lost track of that once was a part of my persona. Well, all this is making me more depressed so I am going to stop for now. I strongly need a little magic in my life at this time before I give up for good.
'TEARS''TEARS'''TEARS''''TEARS'''''TEARS''''''TEARS'''''''TEARS............
Element of the day (day 52)
#49) In- Indium-] metal
Discovered in 1863 by Ferdinand Reich and Hieronymous Ridchter, Germany.
A very soft, very shiny, silvery-white metal. Once thought to be very rare, but now is believed to be fairly abundant. Has a low melting point and is used in making low melting alloys for safety devices and solders. Some indium compounds are used in transistors, photo-conductors, photocells and thermistors.
Most is obtained from zinc processing in Canada, Russia, Australia and China. It occurs in only few minerals, such as indite.
When Kenny was here there was a sweetness in my life that is missing now. Kenny was the sweet one in the family- the one who smiled and brightened my day. Although he was depressed much of the time he made me laugh so much; even the way he rolled his eyes when he didn't believe all my "life is good" talk was amusing and gave me hope that he wouldn't give up. Now I am the one who wants to give up--not only because Kenny is gone but for so many other reasons. If only I could reconnect with some of that faith I used to have; if only I could find the answers I know are out there.
I believe in G-d and I believe in angels and Spirit and magic but it just seems as if they have all disappeared from my life in my despair. I cannot open myself to anything with everything in my life going wrong at once. There are too many hurts piling up on top of the other and I am buried in pain so deep I may never be able to dig myself up. I wonder if Kenny felt this- I wonder what he said to himself as he walked down the tracks with his head hanging down. The conductor said he blew the whistle three times as he tried to stop the train in time. It did not stop Kenny- he kept walking and didn't look up until the second before his death, the second the train hit him- Instantaneously says the report. I thought about that the other day. I went to the tracks in the heat of the day and sat in the spot that is marked where Kenny was hit by the train. The steel was blazing hot and burned my butt so I got up and walked down the track in the opposite direction of what Kenny would have walked. I can never make it through the entire walk anymore. Only in the early weeks after his passing was I able to do it->when I still believed I could connect with his spirit somehow but now it has been so long I don't know if I ever will. I mean, there have been some signs, some very amazing signs that he is sometimes trying to communicate with me, only none of them are as direct as I hope for. Maybe I should seek the counsel of a medium. Maybe Kenny would tell me to not give up the way I used to tell him. It is a thought however, I doubt it will turn into an action.
Today's the first day of Libra~Kenny's astrological sun sign. He wasn't into astrology and I'm not sure if he remembered his sign, although I told him many times during his life and we talked about the characteristics associated with his sign and how they influenced his personality. Its been awhile since I kept up with astrology but there was a time when I knew very much about it. Now its just another thing I have given up, lost track of that once was a part of my persona. Well, all this is making me more depressed so I am going to stop for now. I strongly need a little magic in my life at this time before I give up for good.
'TEARS''TEARS'''TEARS''''TEARS'''''TEARS''''''TEARS'''''''TEARS............
Element of the day (day 52)
#49) In- Indium-] metal
Discovered in 1863 by Ferdinand Reich and Hieronymous Ridchter, Germany.
A very soft, very shiny, silvery-white metal. Once thought to be very rare, but now is believed to be fairly abundant. Has a low melting point and is used in making low melting alloys for safety devices and solders. Some indium compounds are used in transistors, photo-conductors, photocells and thermistors.
Most is obtained from zinc processing in Canada, Russia, Australia and China. It occurs in only few minerals, such as indite.
Friday, September 21, 2012
51*
Element of the day (day 51)
#48) Cd- Cadmium -] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants.
Discovered in 1817 by Friedrich Stromeyer, Germany.
A soft, bluish-white metal. Soft enough to be cut with a knife. Used in low-melting alloys, especially solder. Is also used in electroplating, paint pigments, rechargeable batteries (ni-cads), in black and white television tubes and in the blue and green in color television tubes.
Cadmium minerals are rare but include cadmoselite (cadmium seleinide), greenockite (cadmium sulfide) and otavite (cadmium carbonate). Chiefly obtained as a by-product of zinc smelting.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
50* Silver
Element of the day (day 50)
#47) Ag- Silver -] metal
Discovered in Antiquity.
A soft, malleable metal. Used in jewelry, mirrors, silverware, and currency. The highest electrical conductivity of all elements, used in electric wires and connections. Also the best conductor of heat. Used in dental work, batteries. About 30% of all silver in the USA is used in photography.
Recovered in its pure form and as a by-product from copper, lead and zinc production. Mined in many countries, but most from the USA, Canada, Mexico, Peru and Bolivia.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
49* (#2) filtered water
I have spent the last hour or so making changes to the blog template--I'm somewhat getting acquainted with my options. I like it better now because it is more reflective of Kenny and I. Black and gray for Kenny; purple for me...
~~~~ RANDOM TOPIC ~~~~
~~~~ Filtered Water ~~~~
Throughout most of his school days, Kenny drank a lot of bottled water. Not only when he was out 'n about, but at home as well. It's a common thing for people to drink bottled water around here- Fresno, CA. Part of my morning ritual was to get up early to put bottles of water in the freezer so they would partially freeze and stay cold throughout the hot days. Some days when it was really hot Kenny would take two bottles with him; however that changed after high school. Sometime during his senior year, I think, we got our first water filter. Its a fairly large container that we keep in the outside fridge; anyway Kenny was very happy we started using filtered water and he began drinking it in place of the gallon bottles we bought.
Slowly, he began drinking more and more filtered water so I bought him an eco-friendly metal bottle with a giant hook so he could carry it on his backpack. Its black, which I though was perfect for him and it is made to keep water cold. He said it made the water taste funny, "metally" is the word I think he used. I noticed he wasn't taking any water to school with him anymore so I bought him a refillable plastic water bottle that had a removable, freezable middle part. He didn't like that either, although he continued to drink a lot of filtered water. Eventually he drank only filtered water from the outside fridge and I stopped buying gallon waters altogether. The filtered water is also what I use to make coffee so Kenny and I took turns filling up the container. It got to the point that Kenny was drinking so much filtered water the container ( I think it holds half a gallon) had to be refilled every day or two. Basically he drank nothing else 91% of the time. He would drink until the water was nearly empty and then he would refill it back up to the top- I would pour in a Big Gulp size cup of water every time it got below the half way point. It was one of the little things we disagreed upon- but not really serious, except when I would wake up in the morning and there wasn't enough water for me to make coffee because Kenny had been up all night on, drinking water and not refilling it. Can you believe that was our biggest argument? And, once again not very serious.
Kenny and I rarely fought unless it was about his mental state. I always fought to keep him alive, although it didn't require actual fighting. There may have been two or three times I can remember Kenny yelling at me and in his 20 years of life he never cursed at me or around me. I still think he was an exceptional son for that very reason- I know so many children who yell and curse at their parents. Also, I know many parents who yell and curse at their children, which is something I didn't do much of, the yelling part>yes, there were times but the cursing part>no! I guess we were lucky that way--me and my awesome three sons.
Oh well, I completely loss track of the topic. Sorry~ What was that again? Oh yes--Kenny drank A LOT of filtered water-hmmph, maybe he was part fish...na, just kidding....a little weird humor>Kenny would totally get it.{:-)
~~~~ THE END~~~~
~~~~ RANDOM TOPIC ~~~~
~~~~ Filtered Water ~~~~
Throughout most of his school days, Kenny drank a lot of bottled water. Not only when he was out 'n about, but at home as well. It's a common thing for people to drink bottled water around here- Fresno, CA. Part of my morning ritual was to get up early to put bottles of water in the freezer so they would partially freeze and stay cold throughout the hot days. Some days when it was really hot Kenny would take two bottles with him; however that changed after high school. Sometime during his senior year, I think, we got our first water filter. Its a fairly large container that we keep in the outside fridge; anyway Kenny was very happy we started using filtered water and he began drinking it in place of the gallon bottles we bought.
Slowly, he began drinking more and more filtered water so I bought him an eco-friendly metal bottle with a giant hook so he could carry it on his backpack. Its black, which I though was perfect for him and it is made to keep water cold. He said it made the water taste funny, "metally" is the word I think he used. I noticed he wasn't taking any water to school with him anymore so I bought him a refillable plastic water bottle that had a removable, freezable middle part. He didn't like that either, although he continued to drink a lot of filtered water. Eventually he drank only filtered water from the outside fridge and I stopped buying gallon waters altogether. The filtered water is also what I use to make coffee so Kenny and I took turns filling up the container. It got to the point that Kenny was drinking so much filtered water the container ( I think it holds half a gallon) had to be refilled every day or two. Basically he drank nothing else 91% of the time. He would drink until the water was nearly empty and then he would refill it back up to the top- I would pour in a Big Gulp size cup of water every time it got below the half way point. It was one of the little things we disagreed upon- but not really serious, except when I would wake up in the morning and there wasn't enough water for me to make coffee because Kenny had been up all night on, drinking water and not refilling it. Can you believe that was our biggest argument? And, once again not very serious.
Kenny and I rarely fought unless it was about his mental state. I always fought to keep him alive, although it didn't require actual fighting. There may have been two or three times I can remember Kenny yelling at me and in his 20 years of life he never cursed at me or around me. I still think he was an exceptional son for that very reason- I know so many children who yell and curse at their parents. Also, I know many parents who yell and curse at their children, which is something I didn't do much of, the yelling part>yes, there were times but the cursing part>no! I guess we were lucky that way--me and my awesome three sons.
Oh well, I completely loss track of the topic. Sorry~ What was that again? Oh yes--Kenny drank A LOT of filtered water-hmmph, maybe he was part fish...na, just kidding....a little weird humor>Kenny would totally get it.{:-)
~~~~ THE END~~~~
49* FINALLY! A pic of Kenny
 | |
| "I made it to the top!!Take that world"- Kenny, summer 2011. |
How about that?? This is Kenny!
the pic didn't go where I wanted it to but it made it to the page.
OH WOW!! I was able to move the pic>>this is getting cool. *Now I can really make this blog special* the way Kenny deserves it to be.
THANK YOU Ben and Kevin for the picture.This was taken during Kenny's last trip to Bass Lake. I remember the drive there seemed like it went on forever because I had no idea where I was going and on Kenny's previous trips he was too busy hanging out with Ben to pay attention to the drive. Kenny was blessed with the opportunity to crash Ben's family vacation which included Ben's dad, Kevin and Ben's younger brother, Zach so I drove Kenny there to join them. It was the last time we drove out of town together. He was in such a great mood- he LOVED going on those camping trips. He sent me texts about campfires and hikes that nearly killed them (not literally); how I wish there were some way for me to get those texts back. I think part of one read "...7mile hike, we all died..." and something else, it was a Kenny kind of text with his quirky sense of humor. Like I said I would give almost anything to get those back. I have one text locked on my phone from the day before he died. It is the only one I was able to save before I turned off his phone :(
Well, anyway today was exhausting.
Until tomorrow...definitely more pictures coming soon.
Element of the day (day 49)
#46) Pd- Palladium -] metal
Discovered in 1803 by William Hyde Wollaston, England.
A lustrous, silvery-white metal that is malleable, ductile and unreactive in the presence of air and water.Primarily used as a catalyst. Also in surgical instruments, watch-making, and electrical contacts. Will not tarnish in air or water- alloyed with gold or silver for dental work. White gold, used in jewelry, is an alloy of gold and palladium.
One of the platinum group elements. It is mined in Russia, the USA (Montana), Zimbabwe, Australia, Canada and Finland.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
48* Love to Kenny
Today was a mixture of good and bad. I am without cable and internet for an unknown amount of time, which has been a fear of mine since I started this blog so I made my way to Starbucks to create this entry. Something I would never, ever do under other circumstances but I am determined to stick with my agreement with myself to write an entry daily until the one year anniversary of Kenny's death. So here I am..
My household seems to be unraveling quickly with so many minor problems. For the past two weeks the air conditioning in the house has been blowing hot air and I never know when it will go out. Of course it happened today when I had special people over. Kenny's two best friends came over today for movie day. It's been a very long time since we have all gotten together. We began getting together on the monthly anniversary (or very near to it) the month after Kenny died and our general activity is watching movies; which is a joke amongst us because Kenny hated watching movies and I am sure he is rolling his eyes at us. I can hear him laughing "Really MOM"... It is especially nice because Vincent joins us most of the time. It's interesting the way time has evolved those relationships between my youngest son and Kenny's friends. There was a time when the last thing either of Kenny's friends would ever want is to spend time with Vincent; but time, empathy, understanding, or just sheer maturity has provided a bit of a bond between them now I think. Definitely more than mere tolerance. For me it allows a sense of comfort having them all together. It was a very good part of my day and I laughed for the first time in weeks.
Speaking of weeks- today is Tuesday once again, 42 weeks gone,, it sounds like such a long time and some days it feels like it and others days it doesn't. The wall behind Ben and Callie rattled quite a bit today when the train passed. I imagine it was Kenny saying hello :).
Well my time at Starbucks is about to end--I don't want to say good-bye tonight but it is a must and I am learning that there is something everyday that must be done which I really don't want to do.
So goodnight to all and goodnight to Kenny flying through the stars* I wonder if there is light and darkness wherever he is now....
Until tomorrow and as Kenny would say: PEACE
Love to you Kenny, Mom misses you lots everyday......
Element of the day (day 48)
#45) Rh- Rhodium -] metal
Discovered in 1803 by William Hyde Wollastan, England,
A lustrous, hard silvery-white metal. Primary use is as a catallyst. Is alloyed with palladium and platinum to harden those metals. Also used in the coating of mirrors and to form a hard, lustrous coating for silverware, jewelry, and camera parts. A component of catalytic converters to help clean exhaust gases in cars.
One of the platinum group elements. It is produced as a by-product from platinum and palladium mining in USA (Montana), South Africa and Russia.
Monday, September 17, 2012
47* Ru
The thought of packing up and leaving my children's home is killing my spirit and destroying my heart even more than it already is--totally overwhelming...
Element of the day (day 47)
#44) Ru-Ruthenium -] metal
Discovered in 1844 by Karl Klaus, Russia.
A lustrous, silvery-white metal. Very hard and brittle, so much so that it cannot be worked when pure. Very stable, unaffected by air, water, and acids. When alloyed with platinum or palladium, ruthenium hardens those metals to a high degree. Also alloyed with titanium to greatly improve that metal's resistance to corrosion. A very useful chemical catalyst.
One of the platinum group elements. It is produced as a by-product from copper-nickel-platinum mining in Russia, Canada and South Africa.
Element of the day (day 47)
#44) Ru-Ruthenium -] metal
Discovered in 1844 by Karl Klaus, Russia.
A lustrous, silvery-white metal. Very hard and brittle, so much so that it cannot be worked when pure. Very stable, unaffected by air, water, and acids. When alloyed with platinum or palladium, ruthenium hardens those metals to a high degree. Also alloyed with titanium to greatly improve that metal's resistance to corrosion. A very useful chemical catalyst.
One of the platinum group elements. It is produced as a by-product from copper-nickel-platinum mining in Russia, Canada and South Africa.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
46* So many things & Happy Bday Vincent
Today has been very emotional so far and I don't anticipate it will get any better. It is my youngest son's 20th birthday so I forced myself to get up early because I was hoping to find the big container of gumballs for his very cool, old fashioned gumball machine I gave to him for his last birthday. Unfortunately, Walmart was out of them so my day did not get off to a very good start, and my Starbuck's coffee wasn't very tasty- the salt was missing from the salted caramel which was a big let-down because I hardly ever buy Starbuck's anymore, being unemployed and all...ha ha hardy ha.
From there I came home to make his special treats, then decided to try Target for the gumballs. I was getting worried about the time but I really wanted to get him gumballs,and me, having spent most of the week with my brain off didn't think of it sooner. If only I had unpacked the grocery bag I would have noticed I bought the wrong toffee pieces but of course I did not so when I returned home with two small bags of gumballs I discovered I had the wrong toffee bits; by then it was too late to do anything about it. I got them made and baking in the oven as fast as I could because it was the only thing Vincent asked for his birthday (he does not want to celebrate other than that). Naturally, Vincent noticed that they taste different- I offered to remake them with the right ingredients but he let me off the hook; however, he has only eaten one which makes me feel terrible for screwing them up!
Other than those terrible things happening I used the clean space on Kenny's red rug to wrap Vincent's gifts and make his card. I think it will be the last time this space is used for wrapping gifts. Thinking about that made me a little sad; although in a way it is special that the last gift I will wrap in Kenny's room is Vincent's last birthday present given to him in this house. I'm sure if Kenny were here he would have bought Vincent some unusual gift that only Kenny and Vincent would understand. Kenny had a way with giving gifts like that- his friend Ben used to say that. Thankfully, Ben is here hanging out with Vincent for a bit--it brings tears to my eyes and warms my heart that Ben and Vincent have become friends. I think Kenny is smiling from above knowing that. Today I gave Ben a couple things from Kenny's room. One is a very cute plush Kooba character that looks like a turtle--it hasn't been determined if Kenny bought it for Kenny or if Kenny bought it for Ben although it doesn't matter; either way it belongs to Ben now. The other is a gift that Ben made for Kenny- a carving on metal written in Kenny's special language which is a bunch of symbols I am unable to interpret. Kenny kept it on his bedpost and I remember him showing it to me when he received it, it had special meaning to him.
After Vincent unwrapped his gifts, I went to the grocery store. Now, I would like it to be understood that I don't purposely think of Kenny all day. It's just that there are so many things that remind me of him and then the hurt hits me. That is what happened at the store- I saw a Halloween display and the tears welled up in my eyes. I already felt bad because of the mistake with the toffee treats and the bad feeling turned into a terrible feeling in the store. Halloween was super big for Kenny; actually all of us really. We loved Halloween and Kenny had many Halloween themed birthday parties and cakes, but I will save more of those stories for another time. Anyway, the display made me cry so I was walking around the store wiping my tears, feeling like an idiot. I don't mean for that to happen and it makes me unhappy that people don't understand that I can't stop the tears from coming even if I want to. I feel like some people think I am trying to torture myself with the memories, I have had people say that to me. It's heart wrenching not being understood--the pain of the loss is deep enough; only to be multiplied with the lack of empathy. There are so many days I wake up still that I don't want to move, and although I make myself do it, I rarely feel any better going through my day because there are so many unexpected moments of brutal heartbreak and they make me want to give up on everything. Nearly every day the thought goes through my mind: "I just don't want to be here anymore", I do wonder if that thought will ever go away and stay away. I wonder if the day will come when I will feel happy again and will make plans and have dreams because at this time there are none...for now I am emotionally drained with no smile in sight.
Until tomorrow and
Happy Birthday Vincent #20
Element of the day (day 46)
#42) Mo-Molybdenum -] metal
Critical for life processes in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1781 by Peter Hjelm, Sweden.
A very hard, lustrous, silvery-white metal. Has the fifth highest melting point of any element, so it is alloyed with steel and for many applications that must resist high temperatures. Adds strength to steels used in pipeline, auto frames, and armor plate. Used in electrodes, as a catalyst, as a high-temperature lubricant, in paints and various chemicals.
Chiefly obtained from the minerals molybdenite and wulfenite. Mined in Canada, Chile, Russia and the USA.
From there I came home to make his special treats, then decided to try Target for the gumballs. I was getting worried about the time but I really wanted to get him gumballs,and me, having spent most of the week with my brain off didn't think of it sooner. If only I had unpacked the grocery bag I would have noticed I bought the wrong toffee pieces but of course I did not so when I returned home with two small bags of gumballs I discovered I had the wrong toffee bits; by then it was too late to do anything about it. I got them made and baking in the oven as fast as I could because it was the only thing Vincent asked for his birthday (he does not want to celebrate other than that). Naturally, Vincent noticed that they taste different- I offered to remake them with the right ingredients but he let me off the hook; however, he has only eaten one which makes me feel terrible for screwing them up!
Other than those terrible things happening I used the clean space on Kenny's red rug to wrap Vincent's gifts and make his card. I think it will be the last time this space is used for wrapping gifts. Thinking about that made me a little sad; although in a way it is special that the last gift I will wrap in Kenny's room is Vincent's last birthday present given to him in this house. I'm sure if Kenny were here he would have bought Vincent some unusual gift that only Kenny and Vincent would understand. Kenny had a way with giving gifts like that- his friend Ben used to say that. Thankfully, Ben is here hanging out with Vincent for a bit--it brings tears to my eyes and warms my heart that Ben and Vincent have become friends. I think Kenny is smiling from above knowing that. Today I gave Ben a couple things from Kenny's room. One is a very cute plush Kooba character that looks like a turtle--it hasn't been determined if Kenny bought it for Kenny or if Kenny bought it for Ben although it doesn't matter; either way it belongs to Ben now. The other is a gift that Ben made for Kenny- a carving on metal written in Kenny's special language which is a bunch of symbols I am unable to interpret. Kenny kept it on his bedpost and I remember him showing it to me when he received it, it had special meaning to him.
After Vincent unwrapped his gifts, I went to the grocery store. Now, I would like it to be understood that I don't purposely think of Kenny all day. It's just that there are so many things that remind me of him and then the hurt hits me. That is what happened at the store- I saw a Halloween display and the tears welled up in my eyes. I already felt bad because of the mistake with the toffee treats and the bad feeling turned into a terrible feeling in the store. Halloween was super big for Kenny; actually all of us really. We loved Halloween and Kenny had many Halloween themed birthday parties and cakes, but I will save more of those stories for another time. Anyway, the display made me cry so I was walking around the store wiping my tears, feeling like an idiot. I don't mean for that to happen and it makes me unhappy that people don't understand that I can't stop the tears from coming even if I want to. I feel like some people think I am trying to torture myself with the memories, I have had people say that to me. It's heart wrenching not being understood--the pain of the loss is deep enough; only to be multiplied with the lack of empathy. There are so many days I wake up still that I don't want to move, and although I make myself do it, I rarely feel any better going through my day because there are so many unexpected moments of brutal heartbreak and they make me want to give up on everything. Nearly every day the thought goes through my mind: "I just don't want to be here anymore", I do wonder if that thought will ever go away and stay away. I wonder if the day will come when I will feel happy again and will make plans and have dreams because at this time there are none...for now I am emotionally drained with no smile in sight.
Until tomorrow and
Happy Birthday Vincent #20
Element of the day (day 46)
#42) Mo-Molybdenum -] metal
Critical for life processes in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1781 by Peter Hjelm, Sweden.
A very hard, lustrous, silvery-white metal. Has the fifth highest melting point of any element, so it is alloyed with steel and for many applications that must resist high temperatures. Adds strength to steels used in pipeline, auto frames, and armor plate. Used in electrodes, as a catalyst, as a high-temperature lubricant, in paints and various chemicals.
Chiefly obtained from the minerals molybdenite and wulfenite. Mined in Canada, Chile, Russia and the USA.
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