The blog has been off to a rough start. Mostly because I have been feeling awful--physically and emotionally. Why is it that whenever I begin the road to healing I become physically ill?? Seems like I get started with hope and enthusiasm and it dwindles away.
I'm sitting on Kenny's bed, looking out the window at our overgrown tree which takes up nearly the entire view out his window. For the most part Kenny's room is the same as when he lived in it. The biggest difference is the addition of my blankets and pillows on his bed. For weeks after he left us I would walk down the hall every morning and open his door, peeking into his room (knowing he wouldn't be there, yet half expecting to see him as I always had)to check if he was still sleeping.
Some mornings I would imagine him lying there as he had been for years and years. Other days I would curl up on his bed in a ball and cry till I couldn't anymore.Yearning and aching as I do in this very moment.There is a silence in this room that cannot be overcome. Even though it looks the same, and has all of his stuff- it doesn't feel the same. It can never have the life it once had, whether or not his memories live here he does not.
I know the time is coming soon when I will have to clean up and gather some of his belongings. The dust has been collecting for far too long, and some of his clothes are still in his laundry basket. A few months ago I attempted to wash all his clothes but I only made it through one load and fell apart. Nearly all of his t-shirts are now a part of my wardrobe. At some point, practically every day I wear one of his shirts. I wore his clothes every single day, all day and night for about two months after his service. I needed to have something of his with me every minute as if that would somehow keep me from losing the feeling of him. It's a desperate feeling trying to hold onto someone you love with all of your heart. Eight months later the feeling is still here within me;the desperation of knowing my child is gone and will never be here again. Even in the lunacy of my fantasies that he would somehow magickly reappear I would have to come to the conclusion that he no longer exists. He doesn't have a body- only ashes that have been divided between two homes and although his spirit may live on; and possibly from time to time in this very space that was once his room-Kenny will never be Kenny again!!! I hear my mind screaming- Kenny is dead! Kenny is dead! Kenny is dead! and it is deafening.............
~Topic of the day~
slinkys-}....
Hanging on Kenny's curtain rod is a stretched out metal slinky that Kenny put there for decoration he was unable to put it back together. It is one of several slinkys that remain in his room. I can't remember at what age Kenny got into slinkys but he REALLY liked them. Large plastic RAINBOW slinkys, small plastic rainbow ones, heavy silver metal slinkys, and mini metallic slinkys in various colors. The mini gold slinky is mysteriously missing but there are still many others.
Yeah, Kenny liked slinkys...a lot.I'm sure most of them made it to school at one time or another.
Element of the day (day 7)
#9)F-Fluorine (gas): necessary for full health in plants and animals
Discovered in 1886 by Henri Moissan, France.
Most reactive of the elements, which makes it useful in many products, such as plastics, pesticides, antibiotics, and even toothpaste. Useful in the metal industry, especially in the production of aluminum and uranium.
Pure fluorine is unknown in nature. Main minerals fluorite or fluorspar (calcium fluoride) but also include apatite and cryolite. Mined in China, Mongolia, Russia, Mexico and South Africa.
Until tomorrow, the tears continue to flow.........
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