As in when someone dies. It's so final and all that goes with someone dying is also final. For me, there are many moments when my world is a lonely, lonely place. My life was never this lonely when Kenny was alive. Not only because of the relationship between us.It went far beyond the mother/son connection. In addition to that, in some unusual way Kenny gave me a sense of purpose. I spent the last five years of his life trying to keep him alive. I devoted a major amount of my energy to push him to keep going, trying to motivate him to not give up, and find value in his life. I quit my job, took him to therapy, spent night and day with him for most of a year to keep him safe and I thought it had worked. He started to participate in life again and it seemed that he was moving forward and was going to pull through those horrible teenage years but I was wrong. And all I hoped for was taken away...and all my beliefs were shattered into oblivion and worst of all I failed. That's the feeling that I can't escape: failure.
Not in the sense that I should have stopped him. He knew I would have stopped him if I had known, and that is how I failed him. I didn't know he was going to do it. Every other time he seriously thought about suicide I intervened--got in the way and did not let it happen. This time I was too busy being sick to be fully in tune with my son and he was able to plan his escape and execute it without me knowing he was doing it. He didn't even give me a hug goodbye. He always gave me a hug goodbye.
I remember our last hug. It was the day before he died. We were in the kitchen, I was nervous because I had an appointment for an MRI and didn't want to drive. Kenny had plans but offered to take me anyway and I was very grateful. It was a special hug, a tight hug that lasted at least a minute and I felt better after that. That was Kenny, always willing to help. I miss having that in my life; there is nobody else like him that I know. My thoughts and my words are not melding correcting. I can't seem to convey what I am feeling whether it be because my mind is jumbled or because of the misery I feel all over....I understand what Kenny felt. I just want to give up on everything sometimes too. Well, most of the time these days. It completely breaks my former motto:"never give up"...that is what I always told myself and Kenny too. That no longer seems to apply to my life because there is no longer anything that I really want.
I no longer have a purpose,,what am I supposed to do with my life now??? It isn't that Kenny was my only reason for living; however, Kenny gave me something to believe in-something to fight for. I wanted so much to see him make it in this world and I know he needed me in a way that my other sons don't need me. My oldest is very independent and lives far away--he's been gone for years and my youngest doesn't have a need for emotional closeness.Not to mention, somehow he manages to get what he wants nearly all the time. They are both wonderful in their own ways, all my boys are very special gifts but only Kenny needed me realistically. He was the reason I got my degree in Child and Family Science. I thought helping him meant I could help others but now it doesn't matter that I helped for awhile. Yes, he stayed around a few years longer, but in the end I didn't make any difference at all because I wasn't able to make him see how special he was and how he made the world a better place and if I couldn't do that for my own son, whom I loved so so much there is no way I can make a difference for anybody else. At least that's how I think of it now.
I'm all out of words for today...other than I hate life.
```Random Topic```
-...BOTTLE CAPS...-
Kenny had lots of little collections and I know it's not very uncommon to collect bottle caps; and Kenny was one of those people who collected bottle caps. He wasn't collecting for very long, maybe the last three years of his life. Every once in awhile he would bring one home from the railroad tracks. When he first began collecting he brought home the rusted or mangled caps that were too destroyed to read. Then one year he was with me at one of my aunt's block sales and someone was selling a bag of bottles caps and Kenny bought it. None of them were very special but he emptied out the bag at home and we looked through all of them. After that he saved the bottle caps from his favorite root beer and he would look for them in parking lots. Once he started attending city college he brought home new ones--like beer caps. And I started saving him caps whenever I found them or took them off bottles.It was fun sharing caps with him, sometimes we would laugh at the pictures or names of drinks.He liked all the root beer ones and anything he never saw before. He had a gold colored one that he thought was pretty cool and some with bikes that were from me. We would pick up whichever ones we found and I liked asking him if he found any new caps today. He didn't save the ones he had lots of, he would toss them away.
To this day, I save bottle caps for Kenny. Only the new ones that he didn't already have. I get lots of new ones when my oldest son, Jheremy visits because he drinks beers that I've never heard of. I keep all the caps separate since Kenny died than the ones he already had, but I still say "I'm saving this for Kenny". I don't know yet what I'm going to do with them but I guess I'll figure it out.
Element of the day (day 18)
#33) As-Arsenic (nonmetal solid)
Necessary for full health in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1250 maybe by Albertus Magnus. Arsenic is stable, unaffected by air, water, most acids and alkalis. Has no liquid phase;the solid sublimes directly into a vapor. Has semiconductor properties and is used in making transistors. Also used in alloys, glass production, pyrotechnics, wood preservatives and as an agricultural chemical.
Occurs in many minerals. Obtained as a by-product from the processing and refining of enargite-bearing copper and gold ores, mainly from China, Chile, Russia, Mexico and the Phillippines.
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