15* the end

HELLOOO Anybody out there????

I feel so alone with my feelings....I wish there was someone out there who could understand my pain, there is not comfort or escape from this heartache that keeps me prisoner. The tears never stop---I cry in stores, while I'm driving, sitting on the couch or laying in bed, when I clean, when I see his room, on and on. Sometimes I get so angry with myself for crying all the time, I think over and over 'when are the tears going to stop?'

On a side note, slinkys seem to be suddenly appearing everywhere. I found a yellow plastic medium sized slinky in the kitchen next to the phone today, I don't remember ever seeing it before...kinda strange, ha-ha Kenny....hmm hmm hmm hmm

So, about Kenny's glasses. This is a good story.
As I was saying...I kept saying over and over to mi mama and my sister-n-law that I wanted to find Kenny's glasses. I thought we would get Kenny's shoes, hat and clothing back from the coroner's office, which never happened but I knew they hadn't found Kenny's glasses. I knew with all my being that Kenny's glasses were at the railroad tracks and I felt very strongly I could find them. I kept asking Kenny over and over again in my mind 'Please let me find your glasses'.
------------****
I'm sitting here on Kenny's bed with my knees folded, rocking back-n-forth having random thoughts; and one comes to me-- a reason why Kenny's death is so horrible to me: It's because its the end=The end to everything with Kenny. Its the end of his body because it was torn apart by the train and then he was cremated-] It's the end of me hearing his voice and having him say to me "have fun, mom" whenever I told him I was doing anything-] It's the end of us eating a meal together or having him keep me company while I am baking  something-] It's the end of him loving my pancakes-] the end of hugs-] the end of hearing him say "I love you".
There are no more tomorrows for Kenny; no more plans for the future; no more chances; no more 2nd chances; and no more hope that one day life will get better. It's the end-]the end of his life as Kenny. And the end of my life with Kenny.   --------------------***

My sister-n-law drove 'mi mama' and me to the street behind the railroad tracks. We walked all the way back to the place where Kenny would have started walking...to be continued



  Element of the day (day 15)
 #14) Si-Silicon (nonmetal solid)
  Necessary for full health for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1824 by Jons Jakob Berzelius, Sweden.
A shiny, blue-gray metallic substance. Second-most common element in the Earth's crust. Pure silicon is never found in nature. A very useful element. Used in metal alloys, plastics, lubricants and glass making. An excellent semi-conductor and insulator extensively used in integrated circuits and other electrical components, in enamels, pottery, lasers and solar cells.
Hundreds of silicon-bearing minerals, but chiefly obtained from quartz, the most common mineral on Earth.