IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!!!!!!
IT'S BEEN TOO LOONNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 | ||
| WHERE ARE YOU MY DARLING SON?!? |
MISSING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
145* 114 weeks
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!!!!!!
IT'S BEEN TOO LOONNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feel like I'm going crazy today......
MISSING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!!!!!!
IT'S BEEN TOO LOONNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MISSING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Sunday, December 29, 2013
144* ~'~ Signs...
25 months
It's nearly the end of December and it seems I have survived another year without my darling son. Time passes by, but the feelings do not change.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Eve: Vincent and I ate In-n-Out for dinner. Then I decorated my little Christmas tree in red and gold in memory of my brother Nick who was a huge 49er fan. Also, I waited to decorate my tree until Christmas Eve as was my Grandma Tanis's tradition. She kept her tree up until Epiphany which is January 6th. I'm still deciding on that. I didn't put up the nativity set this year. I don't think I did any decorating last year....mostly everything of mine is already in storage so on to the saving of traditions for 2014.
Christmas Day: I awoke before dawn and watched the sun rise as I drove to my brother Nick's house to feed the puppies for my niece and family who were in Seattle visiting Navy nephew.
Then I went to mi mama's for a little visit with my other niece Nicole and give her a gift and play with puppy Popcorn.
After that I did the cemetery visits.
First I went to Belmont Memorial to see my Tio Manuel who recently passed. I was disappointed that there isn't any type of indication of who he is under the dry grass. Fortunately he is at the feet of his sister so I knew where he was. I sat, I talked with him, cried and borrowed a plastic candy cane from my aunt's christmas tree to drill a hole in the dirt and carve his name. I put a carnation in the hole. There are so many things I need to talk to him about and maybe he can hear me but I certainly do not hear his reply. I could really use his advice right now....
After that I took flowers to my mom at St. Peter's Cemetery. By then it was quite warm so I didn't stay too long. I haven't had a visit from her in a very long time-- I do wish I could see her again.
When I returned home I was exhausted physically and emotionally so I cried myself to sleep and took a nap. That was pretty much my day,, and a late visit with a cousin which was nice. I got a bad cough and have been dealing with that ever since. I vow to get well soon!!
Overall, this Christmas was closer to normal than the last couple. Other than I didn't do my usual baking because all my baking stuff is in storage...life just keeps throwing curve-balls my way======but I think I am getting better at dodging or hitting them. Ha ha ha
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have been thinking a lot about faith lately and the role it plays in my life. As a healing element it is paramount because I think I would still be on the floor drowning in puddles of tears. Sometimes I still want it to be that way but I somehow keep on going. One of my favorite holiday cds is Jewel's holiday collection. She does a medley version of 'Go tell it on a mountain' + 'Life Uncommon'+ 'From a distance' which I listen to over and over. This year it took me two weeks to find it because as I've said mostly everything is packed or in storage and I have music absolutely everywhere in disarray and mayhem.
One of my favorite verses goes: Come on you unbelievers
Oh! Move out of the way
There is a new army coming
Oh! And we are armed with faith
Oh! Live, Oh! We must give
Oh! Live
Whenever I listen to this I think of myself coming back to life-- to not let all of life's hardships take away my faith in God, life, and myself. It fuels me with hope and passion. Reminds of the days when I lived strongly without doubt or fear. Such a long, long time ago when I would try to give Kenny hope because I believed with all my heart it could make a difference. Then hope was lost when he took his life and I have been searching ever since. Slowly, in time. As the saying goes "And in time, this too shall pass". The pain and the sadness?? Never completely gone but somehow it may become bearable as I find strength with each day I hold onto hope and faith. It was shaken again this year with the deaths of my brother Nick and my Tio Manuel. I was barely emerging from the dark, dark clouds when Nick suddenly left us and there I retreated once again behind a thickness of gray. Very, very gray.
With each tragedy I survive-- my sense of self grows stronger. I do not want to hide who I am or what I believe in. I do not concern myself with the doubts or judgements of others as I once did. Maybe that is one of the lessons intended for me as part of my survival. Renewed strength in what is right for me-- of light and spirit. Essential to my being-- a key to finding happiness. Now if only the loneliness would disappear and I could feel loved again...but that's an entirely other aspect of life to deal with. I am beginning to believe I can survive most anything. A faith I had once before and am trying to hold onto once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~SIGNS~*~
Hummingbirds
Dec. 6 ~'~ the night of my Tio Manuel's mass & burial I went to
Savemart and there was a hummingbird flying above
me going from one side of the store to the other back
and forth. I must have stood staring up at the ceiling
for many minutes in amazement.
Dec. 12 ~ A Very Strange day
in the morning, there was a hummingbird fluttering
in and around the tree outside the living room
window.
it was flying close enough to the window to see clearly
for a long time which is unusual because normally
hummingbirds are flighty and difficult to keep an
eye on.
later, while I was washing the dishes the wind chime
hanging outside the kitchen wind, which had been
stuck on a branch suddenly came swinging down
making a ruckus and catching me totally by surprise!
shortly after, as I was talking to my son Jheremy on
the phone, still in the kitchen I saw a NOVA truck
pass in front of my window, driving down my street. I
had never seen a NOVA truck before and I was kind
of tripping out because that is the name of the
crematory that burned Kenny's body.
I've been wondering if the hummingbirds are connected with my Tio Manuel's spirit since I saw the first one after his burial service. I saw one on another day however I can't remember it exactly, only that it happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~Feathers~~
found a couple more feathers-- theres been others but I don't always remember to take a picture or write down info. baby feather was found while walking with my dog. mangled feather was found outside my tia's house on the day we my family got together to make candy.
so I'm at the gas station the morning of Tuesday Dec. 17th-- and when I'm done pumping the gas and go to get in my car I find this random guitar pic laying on my seat exactly as I took the picture-- I don't remember ever seeing it before and I never left my car,, just went out of it to pump gas--so that was WEIRD!!!
there have been a few Kenny penny days here and there but on 12/18/13 I found all three of the pennies in the driveway of the Yale house centimeters apart so I took a pic of them together later that day...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This has been the prayer I have been repeating the last few days....with all that has happened in the last month it is one of the ways I am holding onto faith
Until next time...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Eve: Vincent and I ate In-n-Out for dinner. Then I decorated my little Christmas tree in red and gold in memory of my brother Nick who was a huge 49er fan. Also, I waited to decorate my tree until Christmas Eve as was my Grandma Tanis's tradition. She kept her tree up until Epiphany which is January 6th. I'm still deciding on that. I didn't put up the nativity set this year. I don't think I did any decorating last year....mostly everything of mine is already in storage so on to the saving of traditions for 2014.
 |
| Christmas tree~ 2013 |
Christmas Day: I awoke before dawn and watched the sun rise as I drove to my brother Nick's house to feed the puppies for my niece and family who were in Seattle visiting Navy nephew.
Then I went to mi mama's for a little visit with my other niece Nicole and give her a gift and play with puppy Popcorn.
After that I did the cemetery visits.
First I went to Belmont Memorial to see my Tio Manuel who recently passed. I was disappointed that there isn't any type of indication of who he is under the dry grass. Fortunately he is at the feet of his sister so I knew where he was. I sat, I talked with him, cried and borrowed a plastic candy cane from my aunt's christmas tree to drill a hole in the dirt and carve his name. I put a carnation in the hole. There are so many things I need to talk to him about and maybe he can hear me but I certainly do not hear his reply. I could really use his advice right now....
After that I took flowers to my mom at St. Peter's Cemetery. By then it was quite warm so I didn't stay too long. I haven't had a visit from her in a very long time-- I do wish I could see her again.
When I returned home I was exhausted physically and emotionally so I cried myself to sleep and took a nap. That was pretty much my day,, and a late visit with a cousin which was nice. I got a bad cough and have been dealing with that ever since. I vow to get well soon!!
Overall, this Christmas was closer to normal than the last couple. Other than I didn't do my usual baking because all my baking stuff is in storage...life just keeps throwing curve-balls my way======but I think I am getting better at dodging or hitting them. Ha ha ha
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I have been thinking a lot about faith lately and the role it plays in my life. As a healing element it is paramount because I think I would still be on the floor drowning in puddles of tears. Sometimes I still want it to be that way but I somehow keep on going. One of my favorite holiday cds is Jewel's holiday collection. She does a medley version of 'Go tell it on a mountain' + 'Life Uncommon'+ 'From a distance' which I listen to over and over. This year it took me two weeks to find it because as I've said mostly everything is packed or in storage and I have music absolutely everywhere in disarray and mayhem.
One of my favorite verses goes: Come on you unbelievers
Oh! Move out of the way
There is a new army coming
Oh! And we are armed with faith
Oh! Live, Oh! We must give
Oh! Live
Whenever I listen to this I think of myself coming back to life-- to not let all of life's hardships take away my faith in God, life, and myself. It fuels me with hope and passion. Reminds of the days when I lived strongly without doubt or fear. Such a long, long time ago when I would try to give Kenny hope because I believed with all my heart it could make a difference. Then hope was lost when he took his life and I have been searching ever since. Slowly, in time. As the saying goes "And in time, this too shall pass". The pain and the sadness?? Never completely gone but somehow it may become bearable as I find strength with each day I hold onto hope and faith. It was shaken again this year with the deaths of my brother Nick and my Tio Manuel. I was barely emerging from the dark, dark clouds when Nick suddenly left us and there I retreated once again behind a thickness of gray. Very, very gray.
With each tragedy I survive-- my sense of self grows stronger. I do not want to hide who I am or what I believe in. I do not concern myself with the doubts or judgements of others as I once did. Maybe that is one of the lessons intended for me as part of my survival. Renewed strength in what is right for me-- of light and spirit. Essential to my being-- a key to finding happiness. Now if only the loneliness would disappear and I could feel loved again...but that's an entirely other aspect of life to deal with. I am beginning to believe I can survive most anything. A faith I had once before and am trying to hold onto once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~SIGNS~*~
Hummingbirds
Dec. 6 ~'~ the night of my Tio Manuel's mass & burial I went to
Savemart and there was a hummingbird flying above
me going from one side of the store to the other back
and forth. I must have stood staring up at the ceiling
for many minutes in amazement.
Dec. 12 ~ A Very Strange day
in the morning, there was a hummingbird fluttering
in and around the tree outside the living room
window.
it was flying close enough to the window to see clearly
for a long time which is unusual because normally
hummingbirds are flighty and difficult to keep an
eye on.
later, while I was washing the dishes the wind chime
hanging outside the kitchen wind, which had been
stuck on a branch suddenly came swinging down
making a ruckus and catching me totally by surprise!
shortly after, as I was talking to my son Jheremy on
the phone, still in the kitchen I saw a NOVA truck
pass in front of my window, driving down my street. I
had never seen a NOVA truck before and I was kind
of tripping out because that is the name of the
crematory that burned Kenny's body.
I've been wondering if the hummingbirds are connected with my Tio Manuel's spirit since I saw the first one after his burial service. I saw one on another day however I can't remember it exactly, only that it happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~Feathers~~
found a couple more feathers-- theres been others but I don't always remember to take a picture or write down info. baby feather was found while walking with my dog. mangled feather was found outside my tia's house on the day we my family got together to make candy.
 |
| baby feather 12/16/13 |
 |
| mangled feather 12/17/13 |
so I'm at the gas station the morning of Tuesday Dec. 17th-- and when I'm done pumping the gas and go to get in my car I find this random guitar pic laying on my seat exactly as I took the picture-- I don't remember ever seeing it before and I never left my car,, just went out of it to pump gas--so that was WEIRD!!!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Until next time...
Sunday, December 22, 2013
143* a new song-
Another sleepless night. Over the past two weeks the nights of sleep become fewer and fewer.
The second anniversary of Kenny's departure has come and gone and with it the loss of another important person in my life. Gone on the same day as Kenny and services the same day two years later.
Coincidence?? Is there any such thing?!!?
As I sit here at 4:30 in the morning I am listening to a song about suicide that someone special shared with me a couple weeks ago. It's a song I had never heard before. Its somewhat uncanny how well it expresses the way I perceive Kenny's pain.
As I have said before Kenny never listened much to music with lyrics but he did like to hear the sound of a piano playing. I have listened to the intro of this song at least a dozen times. Kenny would have loved the beginning and the end. Is that a train roaring down the tracks as part 1 fades away?
The song is 'I Won't See You Tonight' by Avenged Sevenfold
These are the lyrics:
"I Won't See You Tonight (Part 1)"
So no breath, no heartache, no pain for him...
Left to me now and forever
At times like these the sorrow only deepens without him,, and it is a sorrow that will never go away-- as the train roars two blocks away.
SERIOUSLY GOD-- WHAT IS THAT ABOUT????????!!!!!!!!!
Until next time
The second anniversary of Kenny's departure has come and gone and with it the loss of another important person in my life. Gone on the same day as Kenny and services the same day two years later.
Coincidence?? Is there any such thing?!!?
As I sit here at 4:30 in the morning I am listening to a song about suicide that someone special shared with me a couple weeks ago. It's a song I had never heard before. Its somewhat uncanny how well it expresses the way I perceive Kenny's pain.
As I have said before Kenny never listened much to music with lyrics but he did like to hear the sound of a piano playing. I have listened to the intro of this song at least a dozen times. Kenny would have loved the beginning and the end. Is that a train roaring down the tracks as part 1 fades away?
The song is 'I Won't See You Tonight' by Avenged Sevenfold
These are the lyrics:
"I Won't See You Tonight (Part 1)"
Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight
Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for andloved
It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight
Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away
Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight
So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight
Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and
It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight
Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away
Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight
So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
So no breath, no heartache, no pain for him...
Left to me now and forever
At times like these the sorrow only deepens without him,, and it is a sorrow that will never go away-- as the train roars two blocks away.
SERIOUSLY GOD-- WHAT IS THAT ABOUT????????!!!!!!!!!
Until next time
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
142* heartbreak day
~ today I was reminded why I stopped making plans.
~ it is 12:07pm and I have not done much today.
~ perhaps it is because of the over-activity of the last week.
~ but I think not
~ I had intentions for the day before...
last night I told Kenny's story to someone I hadn't seen in years. he did not know Kenny but he knew of him. I showed pictures,, I was strong while telling of what happened-- I did not cry which was a first. However, the more I spoke of him the stronger the sense of his loss became.
by the time I got home I was kind of numb. I sat frozen on my bed and stared out into nothing for a very long time. well over an hour, sitting with the light on, no t.v., no candle, with Ravenne laying near by. my mind racing with the events of the night. my heart torn between the heartbreak of the past and possibilities of the future.
finally, I forced myself to put on sleeping clothes. the air was chilly but it hardly fazed me. I returned to Kenny´s room- lit a candle- curled under the blankets- and lay awake for awhile praying to God. I must've asked God a dozen questions and said many prayers during the night. I slept a little, woke up, cried and cried...like I haven't done in months. I talked to Kenny but I didn't notice any signs.I faintly heard his voice, think he made an appearance in one of my dreams. I know the sadness blocks my visions, my acceptance of gifts from the other side-- one would think that the bond of love would overcome that but somehow it doesn't. I have cried most of the day. I don't even try to stop the tears now as I did earlier. What's the point??? they flow and flow down my cheeks,, my eyes feel swollen and my heart feels like it's been through a shredder~~ I tried to get Vincent to give me a hug but he wouldn't. he is not happy I am crying again-- I told him I was sad and that I miss Kenny. it seems even he thinks I should be better by now. will there ever be true healing?? a time when his memories will bring a smile and a sting to my heart instead of total, utter heartbreak?!! Once again, I have fallen into a place of devastation. I wish- for a change- that I did not feel so alone. I know that there is God, and angels and spirits of my loved ones but that is a different realm and my heartbreak is a barrier from such comfort sometimes. like now. I thought I was further along than this-- I thought I was ready to move on...to start over with most of my heart healed. where is the strength I am supposed to possess? I hear it all the time-] people tell me "Annette, you are so strong".
Well, I guess that's not today.
I pray for guidance and the courage to face all the changes right in front of me; to accept that my son is better in heaven than he was on earth; to hold onto the love and let go of the loneliness I feel without him. it's a prayer repeated over and over again the past couple years. I hear in my mind 'trust in God and he will guide the way'. I know that is my only hope...
Until a better day~~Love, Hope, Peace,Faith~~
~ it is 12:07pm and I have not done much today.
~ perhaps it is because of the over-activity of the last week.
~ but I think not
~ I had intentions for the day before...
last night I told Kenny's story to someone I hadn't seen in years. he did not know Kenny but he knew of him. I showed pictures,, I was strong while telling of what happened-- I did not cry which was a first. However, the more I spoke of him the stronger the sense of his loss became.
by the time I got home I was kind of numb. I sat frozen on my bed and stared out into nothing for a very long time. well over an hour, sitting with the light on, no t.v., no candle, with Ravenne laying near by. my mind racing with the events of the night. my heart torn between the heartbreak of the past and possibilities of the future.
finally, I forced myself to put on sleeping clothes. the air was chilly but it hardly fazed me. I returned to Kenny´s room- lit a candle- curled under the blankets- and lay awake for awhile praying to God. I must've asked God a dozen questions and said many prayers during the night. I slept a little, woke up, cried and cried...like I haven't done in months. I talked to Kenny but I didn't notice any signs.I faintly heard his voice, think he made an appearance in one of my dreams. I know the sadness blocks my visions, my acceptance of gifts from the other side-- one would think that the bond of love would overcome that but somehow it doesn't. I have cried most of the day. I don't even try to stop the tears now as I did earlier. What's the point??? they flow and flow down my cheeks,, my eyes feel swollen and my heart feels like it's been through a shredder~~ I tried to get Vincent to give me a hug but he wouldn't. he is not happy I am crying again-- I told him I was sad and that I miss Kenny. it seems even he thinks I should be better by now. will there ever be true healing?? a time when his memories will bring a smile and a sting to my heart instead of total, utter heartbreak?!! Once again, I have fallen into a place of devastation. I wish- for a change- that I did not feel so alone. I know that there is God, and angels and spirits of my loved ones but that is a different realm and my heartbreak is a barrier from such comfort sometimes. like now. I thought I was further along than this-- I thought I was ready to move on...to start over with most of my heart healed. where is the strength I am supposed to possess? I hear it all the time-] people tell me "Annette, you are so strong".
Well, I guess that's not today.
I pray for guidance and the courage to face all the changes right in front of me; to accept that my son is better in heaven than he was on earth; to hold onto the love and let go of the loneliness I feel without him. it's a prayer repeated over and over again the past couple years. I hear in my mind 'trust in God and he will guide the way'. I know that is my only hope...
Until a better day~~Love, Hope, Peace,Faith~~
Thursday, December 5, 2013
141* something about November 29
]]]--November 29, 2013--[[[
so it's been 2 years now that Kenny is gone; sometimes it feels like forever ago and sometimes it feels like time has stood still
today I have been busy packing, packing, packing and cleaning.
yesterday was Thanksgiving again--two years without Kenny>> two years without turkey,, seems very odd to not have any regularity in one of the holidays we liked so much. last year because of the grief and this year because of the craziness.
will it ever seem normal again?? is there any normal? we never have been that normal of a family but that's o.k.-- I'm good with that-- I don't think I like normal all that much but I do like some sort of consistency.
I cooked very little-] in fact other than cornbread, I only made mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie
==========================================================
his room is nearly packed-- it will be empty before the end of the week
it looks different--] the only signs of Kenny are the picture of him and Ben on his t.v. and his element chart that is still on the wall
now, there is nothing extraordinary about Kenny's t.v.-> other than the warning on it that is! A shining example of Kenny's sense of humor-- see for yourself
the element chart is reflected on the screen
I don't want to take it down so I will wait till the last day I think or when I can force myself to do it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
sad, sad news~~ my uncle died tonight,, same day as Kenny~ different year
______________________________________________________________
movie night was especially touching-- Callie gave me a hug at just the right moment
Vincent and Ben were quite entertaining-- I'm sure Kenny was listening with amusement from somewhere
we watched one of my all time favorite movies =
'the Avengers' -- such a good movie- so much fun!!
************************************************************************
December 5,2013
two years ago today, many people gathered in a little chapel to say good-bye to Kenny.
it was an extraordinary event-- it was alive-> heartfelt, painful, caring, humorous, heart-breaking and thoughtful. I am grateful for the friends and family who spoke of the boy I knew-- the young man whom I admired and loved beyond all capacity of reasoning.
there are no limitations on the love I have for my children-->
I cherish their very existence and hold onto the memories we shared
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
tonight, there was another gathering-- to say good bye to my Tio Manuel
this gathering was somber and quiet-- very different than Kenny's-] remembering the last day I looked at Kenny hits a tender spot in my heart but kind of in a good way-> it still hurts, I still cry and miss him but it does feel a little less broken
and although the healing is very, very slow-- almost like a crawling snail-- at least it's healing and any progress is positive
I have thoughts and plots of pictures and stories to come; I have many incomplete plans for ways to keep Kenny's memories alive. I pray that I make greater strides in the coming year than the past year and that I will continue to heal without losing my connection to Kenny.
Until next time-- Love and Peace...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Loving Memory
Manuel Valencia Robles 1946~2013
<3 Thank you for always caring
<3 Thank you for being the first and only Robles to pay condolences when Kenny died
:) Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, and happy memories
Rest In Peace~~Enjoy Heaven and dancing with my mom
Until we meet again...I will always remember
me:" I love you Tio"
you: "I love you more"
so it's been 2 years now that Kenny is gone; sometimes it feels like forever ago and sometimes it feels like time has stood still
today I have been busy packing, packing, packing and cleaning.
yesterday was Thanksgiving again--two years without Kenny>> two years without turkey,, seems very odd to not have any regularity in one of the holidays we liked so much. last year because of the grief and this year because of the craziness.
will it ever seem normal again?? is there any normal? we never have been that normal of a family but that's o.k.-- I'm good with that-- I don't think I like normal all that much but I do like some sort of consistency.
I cooked very little-] in fact other than cornbread, I only made mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie
==========================================================
his room is nearly packed-- it will be empty before the end of the week
it looks different--] the only signs of Kenny are the picture of him and Ben on his t.v. and his element chart that is still on the wall
now, there is nothing extraordinary about Kenny's t.v.-> other than the warning on it that is! A shining example of Kenny's sense of humor-- see for yourself
 |
| the warning on Kenny's t.v. |
the element chart is reflected on the screen
I don't want to take it down so I will wait till the last day I think or when I can force myself to do it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
sad, sad news~~ my uncle died tonight,, same day as Kenny~ different year
______________________________________________________________
movie night was especially touching-- Callie gave me a hug at just the right moment
Vincent and Ben were quite entertaining-- I'm sure Kenny was listening with amusement from somewhere
we watched one of my all time favorite movies =
'the Avengers' -- such a good movie- so much fun!!
************************************************************************
December 5,2013
two years ago today, many people gathered in a little chapel to say good-bye to Kenny.
it was an extraordinary event-- it was alive-> heartfelt, painful, caring, humorous, heart-breaking and thoughtful. I am grateful for the friends and family who spoke of the boy I knew-- the young man whom I admired and loved beyond all capacity of reasoning.
there are no limitations on the love I have for my children-->
I cherish their very existence and hold onto the memories we shared
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
tonight, there was another gathering-- to say good bye to my Tio Manuel
this gathering was somber and quiet-- very different than Kenny's-] remembering the last day I looked at Kenny hits a tender spot in my heart but kind of in a good way-> it still hurts, I still cry and miss him but it does feel a little less broken
and although the healing is very, very slow-- almost like a crawling snail-- at least it's healing and any progress is positive
I have thoughts and plots of pictures and stories to come; I have many incomplete plans for ways to keep Kenny's memories alive. I pray that I make greater strides in the coming year than the past year and that I will continue to heal without losing my connection to Kenny.
Until next time-- Love and Peace...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Loving Memory
Manuel Valencia Robles 1946~2013
<3 Thank you for always caring
<3 Thank you for being the first and only Robles to pay condolences when Kenny died
:) Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, and happy memories
Rest In Peace~~Enjoy Heaven and dancing with my mom
Until we meet again...I will always remember
me:" I love you Tio"
you: "I love you more"
 |
| ~Tio Manuel and my mom, Noemi~ 1966 |
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
140* no amount of time...
23 months gone away...
still dreaming of Kenny very often. Its weird that Kenny is always young in my dreams---young and happy}} those were the days! I was thinking today it is unbelievable that its been almost two years without him and how there isn't usually a lot of true meaning when most people say "I can't believe>>" but I really went numb when that thought went through my mind today
[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..
Finally,I am close to being well after being sick since August>> the herbal formulas my friend Eliora sent me cleared my throat infection
[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..
SO---] I drove my car today for the first time in nearly a month. I was listening to the Beatles and thinking of Kenny as I drove to In-n-Out. It is the only fast food place that me and all my boys agreed on. It still is the first stop Jheremy wants to make every time he comes for a visit. Vincent and I like to eat it from time to time. As I was waiting in the drive-thru I was telling Kenny it was time for In-n-Out thinking of what he would order. It was always a hamburger with grilled onions, an order of fries and a water. If he was really hungry he would get two hamburgers, he never added cheese. He and Vincent ate in the car all the time while I drove. Kenny liked his fries right out of the bag. He didn't use ketchup or any other condiment. For awhile, Vincent ate them with ranch dressing but Kenny never got into it.
After Kenny died, Jheremy's friend Conor was around alot when Jheremy was here and In-n-Out was a common meal. Conor eats his fries with the animal sauce dressing so we tried that for awhile. I think Kenny would have made some sort of comment about the animal sauce covering the fries
[----------------------------------------------------------------------..
I spent some time in my car today-- I drove to the tracks where Kenny died. My mind swirling with thoughts of Kenny's walk down the tracks and wondering how he was able to do it. I try to accept his decision to leave this world, to disregard how much I love him,, how much I would miss him--its unfathomable that he could think I would be able to continue a normal life without him. I'm no where near moving on with my life. Every attempt I have made has been an epic fail. There is no normal for me anymore. No semblance of any kind of happiness and deep deep down into my heart I don't know how there ever will be.I know I receive signs from Kenny and I often hear that our loved ones who have crossed over want those left behind to be happy and continue on but it is so much more difficult than anyone can imagine when a heart is smashed to bits and a world is clouded in blackness. My world is black now--it lacks color and depth and meaning. How do I get it back?? A life that's vibrant-- a desire to continue>> I do not know...
I was thinking I try so hard to hold onto him any way I can. I have many keepsakes with me as often as possible and it got me looking around my car so I took pictures of them as I sat in my car today
I accept that there are questions that will not be answered in this life ...........................................]
I look forward to being with my darling son when this life is over-- I anticipate the feeling of lightness and overwhelming joy...............................................]
and I continue to search for meaning in this life I have been left to live.................................................]
struggling to hold love and light within me................]
until next time
still dreaming of Kenny very often. Its weird that Kenny is always young in my dreams---young and happy}} those were the days! I was thinking today it is unbelievable that its been almost two years without him and how there isn't usually a lot of true meaning when most people say "I can't believe>>" but I really went numb when that thought went through my mind today
[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..
Finally,I am close to being well after being sick since August>> the herbal formulas my friend Eliora sent me cleared my throat infection
[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..
SO---] I drove my car today for the first time in nearly a month. I was listening to the Beatles and thinking of Kenny as I drove to In-n-Out. It is the only fast food place that me and all my boys agreed on. It still is the first stop Jheremy wants to make every time he comes for a visit. Vincent and I like to eat it from time to time. As I was waiting in the drive-thru I was telling Kenny it was time for In-n-Out thinking of what he would order. It was always a hamburger with grilled onions, an order of fries and a water. If he was really hungry he would get two hamburgers, he never added cheese. He and Vincent ate in the car all the time while I drove. Kenny liked his fries right out of the bag. He didn't use ketchup or any other condiment. For awhile, Vincent ate them with ranch dressing but Kenny never got into it.
After Kenny died, Jheremy's friend Conor was around alot when Jheremy was here and In-n-Out was a common meal. Conor eats his fries with the animal sauce dressing so we tried that for awhile. I think Kenny would have made some sort of comment about the animal sauce covering the fries
[----------------------------------------------------------------------..
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| as I was beginning to drive, this baby feather flew on my windshield and stuck there so I pulled over to take a picture. it was right after I thought "I can't believe its been 23 months today"............. 10/29/2013 |
I spent some time in my car today-- I drove to the tracks where Kenny died. My mind swirling with thoughts of Kenny's walk down the tracks and wondering how he was able to do it. I try to accept his decision to leave this world, to disregard how much I love him,, how much I would miss him--its unfathomable that he could think I would be able to continue a normal life without him. I'm no where near moving on with my life. Every attempt I have made has been an epic fail. There is no normal for me anymore. No semblance of any kind of happiness and deep deep down into my heart I don't know how there ever will be.I know I receive signs from Kenny and I often hear that our loved ones who have crossed over want those left behind to be happy and continue on but it is so much more difficult than anyone can imagine when a heart is smashed to bits and a world is clouded in blackness. My world is black now--it lacks color and depth and meaning. How do I get it back?? A life that's vibrant-- a desire to continue>> I do not know...
I was thinking I try so hard to hold onto him any way I can. I have many keepsakes with me as often as possible and it got me looking around my car so I took pictures of them as I sat in my car today
 |
| this is one of the extra large rubber bands from Kenny's collection of rubber bands,, I've had to replace it twice because they become brittle from the sun-- it's time for a new one... |
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| this is a little caesar's bouncy ball that Kenny got somehow-- I don't remember if I found it in his room or if he left it in my car... |
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| this is the first thing I see when I get into the car- it is wrinkled now because sometimes I hold it or squeeze it while I cry... |
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| this is a recent addition to my car; when I was packing Kenny's room I decided instead of packing this I would hang it in my car-- it is a gift from Kenny's friend Ariel whom he met at the mental hospital in Ventura>> they kept in touch for more than a year until she was sent away to a place where she could not be contacted. I, very often wonder what ever happened to Ariel.... |
I accept that there are questions that will not be answered in this life ...........................................]
I look forward to being with my darling son when this life is over-- I anticipate the feeling of lightness and overwhelming joy...............................................]
and I continue to search for meaning in this life I have been left to live.................................................]
struggling to hold love and light within me................]
until next time
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
139* Kenny's 22nd birthday
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| ~ October 15, 2013 ~ |
I just re-read my blog entry from last year on this day. Its ridiculous to think I feel worse this year than last, but it's true. Today is the second birthday without him and again this year I am sick; only I have been sick for a very long time and I didn't even think of making a single plan. Luckily, I've had this candle sitting around all summer so I used it for Kenny's birthday candle.
I tried to remember how we spent Kenny's last birthday together and other than I know that I made him a cake I can't really remember that day. I hope it comes back to me someday and that my blankness is only a result of me being ill and being temporarily brain dead for the last couple months.
Vincent had his 21st birthday last month so he has officially outlived Kenny by more than a year. I did find myself a little relieved that he lived past the age of 20. It was almost as if I held my breath the entire year he was 20 because I was always worried in the dark recesses of my mind that something would happen to Vincent too. I practically didn't sleep the week before his birthday.
There was no celebration of any kind this year. Mostly because I have been ill. I have no energy, I haven't baked since last spring so he didn't get a cake or cookies. I didn't bake today either. Mostly because I am still ill. I wonder if I will get well or if I will be with Kenny on his next birthday. It somewhat feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. I've been seeing Kenny in my dreams a lot lately and my Grandma Tanis and other loved ones have been visiting me in my dreams. Maybe I am being prepared....I have been fighting to get well but I am weak now, constantly tired and my body is not getting well. I have one last recovery attempt that a friend of mine is sending me: otherwise it seems hopeless.
If I do get well---] next year I am making Kenny a birthday cake! If not, at least I won't be missing him anymore...
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| 2 feathers from Kenny |
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