still dreaming of Kenny very often. Its weird that Kenny is always young in my dreams---young and happy}} those were the days! I was thinking today it is unbelievable that its been almost two years without him and how there isn't usually a lot of true meaning when most people say "I can't believe>>" but I really went numb when that thought went through my mind today
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Finally,I am close to being well after being sick since August>> the herbal formulas my friend Eliora sent me cleared my throat infection
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SO---] I drove my car today for the first time in nearly a month. I was listening to the Beatles and thinking of Kenny as I drove to In-n-Out. It is the only fast food place that me and all my boys agreed on. It still is the first stop Jheremy wants to make every time he comes for a visit. Vincent and I like to eat it from time to time. As I was waiting in the drive-thru I was telling Kenny it was time for In-n-Out thinking of what he would order. It was always a hamburger with grilled onions, an order of fries and a water. If he was really hungry he would get two hamburgers, he never added cheese. He and Vincent ate in the car all the time while I drove. Kenny liked his fries right out of the bag. He didn't use ketchup or any other condiment. For awhile, Vincent ate them with ranch dressing but Kenny never got into it.
After Kenny died, Jheremy's friend Conor was around alot when Jheremy was here and In-n-Out was a common meal. Conor eats his fries with the animal sauce dressing so we tried that for awhile. I think Kenny would have made some sort of comment about the animal sauce covering the fries
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| as I was beginning to drive, this baby feather flew on my windshield and stuck there so I pulled over to take a picture. it was right after I thought "I can't believe its been 23 months today"............. 10/29/2013 |
I spent some time in my car today-- I drove to the tracks where Kenny died. My mind swirling with thoughts of Kenny's walk down the tracks and wondering how he was able to do it. I try to accept his decision to leave this world, to disregard how much I love him,, how much I would miss him--its unfathomable that he could think I would be able to continue a normal life without him. I'm no where near moving on with my life. Every attempt I have made has been an epic fail. There is no normal for me anymore. No semblance of any kind of happiness and deep deep down into my heart I don't know how there ever will be.I know I receive signs from Kenny and I often hear that our loved ones who have crossed over want those left behind to be happy and continue on but it is so much more difficult than anyone can imagine when a heart is smashed to bits and a world is clouded in blackness. My world is black now--it lacks color and depth and meaning. How do I get it back?? A life that's vibrant-- a desire to continue>> I do not know...
I was thinking I try so hard to hold onto him any way I can. I have many keepsakes with me as often as possible and it got me looking around my car so I took pictures of them as I sat in my car today
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| this is one of the extra large rubber bands from Kenny's collection of rubber bands,, I've had to replace it twice because they become brittle from the sun-- it's time for a new one... |
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| this is a little caesar's bouncy ball that Kenny got somehow-- I don't remember if I found it in his room or if he left it in my car... |
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| this is the first thing I see when I get into the car- it is wrinkled now because sometimes I hold it or squeeze it while I cry... |
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| this is a recent addition to my car; when I was packing Kenny's room I decided instead of packing this I would hang it in my car-- it is a gift from Kenny's friend Ariel whom he met at the mental hospital in Ventura>> they kept in touch for more than a year until she was sent away to a place where she could not be contacted. I, very often wonder what ever happened to Ariel.... |
I accept that there are questions that will not be answered in this life ...........................................]
I look forward to being with my darling son when this life is over-- I anticipate the feeling of lightness and overwhelming joy...............................................]
and I continue to search for meaning in this life I have been left to live.................................................]
struggling to hold love and light within me................]
until next time
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