~ today I was reminded why I stopped making plans.
~ it is 12:07pm and I have not done much today.
~ perhaps it is because of the over-activity of the last week.
~ but I think not
~ I had intentions for the day before...
last night I told Kenny's story to someone I hadn't seen in years. he did not know Kenny but he knew of him. I showed pictures,, I was strong while telling of what happened-- I did not cry which was a first. However, the more I spoke of him the stronger the sense of his loss became.
by the time I got home I was kind of numb. I sat frozen on my bed and stared out into nothing for a very long time. well over an hour, sitting with the light on, no t.v., no candle, with Ravenne laying near by. my mind racing with the events of the night. my heart torn between the heartbreak of the past and possibilities of the future.
finally, I forced myself to put on sleeping clothes. the air was chilly but it hardly fazed me. I returned to Kenny´s room- lit a candle- curled under the blankets- and lay awake for awhile praying to God. I must've asked God a dozen questions and said many prayers during the night. I slept a little, woke up, cried and cried...like I haven't done in months. I talked to Kenny but I didn't notice any signs.I faintly heard his voice, think he made an appearance in one of my dreams. I know the sadness blocks my visions, my acceptance of gifts from the other side-- one would think that the bond of love would overcome that but somehow it doesn't. I have cried most of the day. I don't even try to stop the tears now as I did earlier. What's the point??? they flow and flow down my cheeks,, my eyes feel swollen and my heart feels like it's been through a shredder~~ I tried to get Vincent to give me a hug but he wouldn't. he is not happy I am crying again-- I told him I was sad and that I miss Kenny. it seems even he thinks I should be better by now. will there ever be true healing?? a time when his memories will bring a smile and a sting to my heart instead of total, utter heartbreak?!! Once again, I have fallen into a place of devastation. I wish- for a change- that I did not feel so alone. I know that there is God, and angels and spirits of my loved ones but that is a different realm and my heartbreak is a barrier from such comfort sometimes. like now. I thought I was further along than this-- I thought I was ready to move on...to start over with most of my heart healed. where is the strength I am supposed to possess? I hear it all the time-] people tell me "Annette, you are so strong".
Well, I guess that's not today.
I pray for guidance and the courage to face all the changes right in front of me; to accept that my son is better in heaven than he was on earth; to hold onto the love and let go of the loneliness I feel without him. it's a prayer repeated over and over again the past couple years. I hear in my mind 'trust in God and he will guide the way'. I know that is my only hope...
Until a better day~~Love, Hope, Peace,Faith~~
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