139* Kenny's 22nd birthday

~ October 15, 2013 ~

I just re-read my blog entry from last year on this day. Its ridiculous to think I feel worse this year than last, but it's true. Today is the second birthday without him and again this year I am sick; only I have been sick for a very long time and I didn't even think of making a single plan. Luckily, I've had this candle sitting around all summer so I used it for Kenny's birthday candle.

I tried to remember how we spent Kenny's last birthday together and other than I know that I made him a cake I can't really remember that day. I hope it comes back to me someday and that my blankness is only a result of me being ill and being temporarily brain dead for the last couple months.

Vincent had his 21st birthday last month so he has officially outlived Kenny by more than a year. I did find myself a little relieved that he lived past the age of 20. It was almost as if I held my breath the entire year he was 20 because I was always worried in the dark recesses of my mind that something would happen to Vincent too. I practically didn't sleep the week before his birthday.

There was no celebration of any kind this year. Mostly because I have been ill. I have no energy, I haven't baked since last spring so he didn't get a cake or cookies. I didn't bake today either. Mostly because I am still ill. I wonder if I will get well or if I will be with Kenny on his next birthday. It somewhat feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. I've been seeing Kenny in my dreams a lot lately and my Grandma Tanis and other loved ones have been visiting me in my dreams. Maybe I am being prepared....I have been fighting to get well but I am weak now, constantly tired and my body is not getting well. I have one last recovery attempt that a friend of mine is sending me: otherwise it seems hopeless.

If I do get well---] next year I am making Kenny a birthday cake! If not, at least I won't be missing him anymore... 

2 feathers from Kenny