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Christmas Eve: Vincent and I ate In-n-Out for dinner. Then I decorated my little Christmas tree in red and gold in memory of my brother Nick who was a huge 49er fan. Also, I waited to decorate my tree until Christmas Eve as was my Grandma Tanis's tradition. She kept her tree up until Epiphany which is January 6th. I'm still deciding on that. I didn't put up the nativity set this year. I don't think I did any decorating last year....mostly everything of mine is already in storage so on to the saving of traditions for 2014.
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| Christmas tree~ 2013 |
Christmas Day: I awoke before dawn and watched the sun rise as I drove to my brother Nick's house to feed the puppies for my niece and family who were in Seattle visiting Navy nephew.
Then I went to mi mama's for a little visit with my other niece Nicole and give her a gift and play with puppy Popcorn.
After that I did the cemetery visits.
First I went to Belmont Memorial to see my Tio Manuel who recently passed. I was disappointed that there isn't any type of indication of who he is under the dry grass. Fortunately he is at the feet of his sister so I knew where he was. I sat, I talked with him, cried and borrowed a plastic candy cane from my aunt's christmas tree to drill a hole in the dirt and carve his name. I put a carnation in the hole. There are so many things I need to talk to him about and maybe he can hear me but I certainly do not hear his reply. I could really use his advice right now....
After that I took flowers to my mom at St. Peter's Cemetery. By then it was quite warm so I didn't stay too long. I haven't had a visit from her in a very long time-- I do wish I could see her again.
When I returned home I was exhausted physically and emotionally so I cried myself to sleep and took a nap. That was pretty much my day,, and a late visit with a cousin which was nice. I got a bad cough and have been dealing with that ever since. I vow to get well soon!!
Overall, this Christmas was closer to normal than the last couple. Other than I didn't do my usual baking because all my baking stuff is in storage...life just keeps throwing curve-balls my way======but I think I am getting better at dodging or hitting them. Ha ha ha
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I have been thinking a lot about faith lately and the role it plays in my life. As a healing element it is paramount because I think I would still be on the floor drowning in puddles of tears. Sometimes I still want it to be that way but I somehow keep on going. One of my favorite holiday cds is Jewel's holiday collection. She does a medley version of 'Go tell it on a mountain' + 'Life Uncommon'+ 'From a distance' which I listen to over and over. This year it took me two weeks to find it because as I've said mostly everything is packed or in storage and I have music absolutely everywhere in disarray and mayhem.
One of my favorite verses goes: Come on you unbelievers
Oh! Move out of the way
There is a new army coming
Oh! And we are armed with faith
Oh! Live, Oh! We must give
Oh! Live
Whenever I listen to this I think of myself coming back to life-- to not let all of life's hardships take away my faith in God, life, and myself. It fuels me with hope and passion. Reminds of the days when I lived strongly without doubt or fear. Such a long, long time ago when I would try to give Kenny hope because I believed with all my heart it could make a difference. Then hope was lost when he took his life and I have been searching ever since. Slowly, in time. As the saying goes "And in time, this too shall pass". The pain and the sadness?? Never completely gone but somehow it may become bearable as I find strength with each day I hold onto hope and faith. It was shaken again this year with the deaths of my brother Nick and my Tio Manuel. I was barely emerging from the dark, dark clouds when Nick suddenly left us and there I retreated once again behind a thickness of gray. Very, very gray.
With each tragedy I survive-- my sense of self grows stronger. I do not want to hide who I am or what I believe in. I do not concern myself with the doubts or judgements of others as I once did. Maybe that is one of the lessons intended for me as part of my survival. Renewed strength in what is right for me-- of light and spirit. Essential to my being-- a key to finding happiness. Now if only the loneliness would disappear and I could feel loved again...but that's an entirely other aspect of life to deal with. I am beginning to believe I can survive most anything. A faith I had once before and am trying to hold onto once again.
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~*~SIGNS~*~
Hummingbirds
Dec. 6 ~'~ the night of my Tio Manuel's mass & burial I went to
Savemart and there was a hummingbird flying above
me going from one side of the store to the other back
and forth. I must have stood staring up at the ceiling
for many minutes in amazement.
Dec. 12 ~ A Very Strange day
in the morning, there was a hummingbird fluttering
in and around the tree outside the living room
window.
it was flying close enough to the window to see clearly
for a long time which is unusual because normally
hummingbirds are flighty and difficult to keep an
eye on.
later, while I was washing the dishes the wind chime
hanging outside the kitchen wind, which had been
stuck on a branch suddenly came swinging down
making a ruckus and catching me totally by surprise!
shortly after, as I was talking to my son Jheremy on
the phone, still in the kitchen I saw a NOVA truck
pass in front of my window, driving down my street. I
had never seen a NOVA truck before and I was kind
of tripping out because that is the name of the
crematory that burned Kenny's body.
I've been wondering if the hummingbirds are connected with my Tio Manuel's spirit since I saw the first one after his burial service. I saw one on another day however I can't remember it exactly, only that it happened.
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~~Feathers~~
found a couple more feathers-- theres been others but I don't always remember to take a picture or write down info. baby feather was found while walking with my dog. mangled feather was found outside my tia's house on the day we my family got together to make candy.
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| baby feather 12/16/13 |
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| mangled feather 12/17/13 |
so I'm at the gas station the morning of Tuesday Dec. 17th-- and when I'm done pumping the gas and go to get in my car I find this random guitar pic laying on my seat exactly as I took the picture-- I don't remember ever seeing it before and I never left my car,, just went out of it to pump gas--so that was WEIRD!!!
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Until next time...
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