169* rainbow donuts and brokenness

~~November 29, 2017~~

People think as time passes it  gets easier- that the pain  weakens but it does not. i never  know how the heartache will hit  me.
I can plan for a day of  remembrance or celebration to  honor the son I lost to the evils  of the world. Then, as today, the  day comes and the pain strikes  so hard it paralyzes my mind  and  all I can do is curl up in my  bed and cry. 
There are no words to explain, to convey or conquer the  brokenness I feel inside myself. I endure the pain, fight  to ignore the sadness in my daily life but it will never  leave me. 
In the picture to the left,the feathers on the dresser and  sticking out of Kenny's urn are those I collected this  year. Also in the picture are the bottle-caps I added to  Kenny's collection.   Each year it gets a little more  challenging to find new  bottle-caps but I did find some  really cool  ones  on the beach since 11-29-16.
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Although some plans fell through today, I did make a trip to San Luis Obispo to buy special donuts at a place called SLO DO CO.
I discovered these donuts about a month ago. I have yet to taste one but just looking at them I know Kenny would have loved them! The name of these donuts are Rainbow Galaxy with marshmallow frosting}} even the name is cool enough to make Kenny smile; which, naturally made me smile and even giggle a little. While I was sitting in my car just about to leave-> I asked Kenny to give me a sign he was with me. So, I set my google maps to the SLO DO CO and began the drive. I thought it odd when the exit was Broad Street, but I had never driven there directly so I followed the guided directions. After exiting, there was one turn after another~ right turn, then left, then right again. I had to have taken at least a half dozen turns. It was like going through a maze. I began to get annoyed, then chuckled as I remembered I asked for a sign. Mazes were a thing for Kenny. When he was young he would design one maze game after another for hours. When he had three or more completed, he would bring them for me to play. I'm sure I have some of them packed away in storage and I will smile through tears when I see them again.  

The donuts reminded me of this peace sign that belonged to 

Kenny

I'm listening to new music as I am writing this blog entry. A violinist name Lindsey Stirling. I think Kenny would think she is amazing, which she completely is. He might even have a crush on her. As I get older and time passes I think of all that is lost, all that never had a chance to happen. I will never know what future he would have had; how many more lives he would have touched=] I will never know the girl who would have loved him, the honor of a first dance at his wedding, or the joy of holding a grandchild.
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I still try to find ways to keep Kenny alive in my life. Like finding random feathers and new things he would like. I saw a new Monopoly game and thought I would have bought that for Kenny and a rake shaped back scratcher. He would have been amused by it.

This particular year has been quite challenging as evidenced by my complete lack of blogging. Changes and challenges continue to be a constant in my life. A knee injury requiring surgery and a very long recovery time had a serious impact on most of my year. Most of the year I felt lost and broken.

Additionally, two Kenny items broke. A few months ago, I looked down at my Kenny necklace and noticed it was open. After four years the glue had come loose and all the contents had fallen out except the peace sign and a tiny clump of his ashes. In a way I think Kenny saved the peace sign and mini ash clump. I don't know how long it had been open but I had just driven a couple places so it could have been awhile. A very close friend of mine painted the peace sign black for me and I put the locket back together adding more of Kenny's ashes.

Another item that broke was the surfboard memento I had hanging in my car.After years of swinging back and forth on the mirror the cord broke and it fell without losing a single bead. It was one that belonged to Kenny given to him from a friend he met in the mental hospital he stayed in. I also fixed that today. It was important to have it done and in a short while I will go hang it in my car once again.

fixed surfboard string

There are still reminders all the time, sayings or pictures. Sometimes unsuspecting items that I think he would have liked that I would love to share with him. I frequently go to the dunes he loved so much and stare at the stars in the night sky. I whisper "I miss you" or yell "I love you Kenny" into the universe knowing he can hear me somewhere in the vastness of the universe where his spirit is traveling. I remember the loving, giving person Kenny was- the kindness in his soul like no other human I have ever known and I feel how much is missing from my life without him. I allow the tears, the giggles, the conversations with his invisible self, the memories and the occasional unusual dance movements~~ and that is how I continue to stay connected to my beloved son Kenny. I will always...

And now, as Kenny would say: peace, and from me: love

 Until next time

 

168* candies, Colbert, and a candle

At midnight, the beginning of this 29th day of November on a Tuesday in the year 2016AD~ I sat on a couch to watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. This was one of Kenny's nightly rituals and I'm sure if he were alive now that's what he would have been doing. I hadn't watched it at all this year. The episode turned out to be a re-run from Sept. 20, 2016. The following is a partial excerpt from a segment of the show that had me laughing, and I think Kenny was laughing along with me:
Stephen Colbert slams Donald Trump Jr. over Skittles meme

The host then spoke directly to the camera to address Trump Jr., using candy props to help drive his point home. “Listen up, Airhead. Reducing political problems to candy is Nutrageous. Anyone with an ounce of Smarties is Snickering at you, because you are alienating a lot of Peeps. Where does it end? Do we keep out Swedish Fisherman, or gay couples like Mike & Ike. You’re just trying to Skor a cheap political Payday with this Whooper, Dum Dum.”~~ source (http://www.ew.com/article/2016/09/21/stephen-colbert-donald-trump-jr-skittles)

Normally, I don't post anything political~this is merely for the comedy factor. And it got me thinking about which of those candies Kenny liked eating. Colbert mentioned three of Kenny's favorites and another that he ate often, mostly because they were almost always in our candy jar. (A Mexican bean pot that has been packed away for far too long)
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However,, before I go there-- let me share a little about this year's blog adventure, or shall I say "lack there of ?" There's been very little opportunity to write this year. It is something which has; at times ridden me with extreme guilt, especially on Kenny's 25th birthday. At that time I did not have a working computer so blog writing was not an option. Last week, my laptop was put into commission again!!! :) :) :) Thanks to Vincent and a little divine intervention I think. Anyway, since then I have been re-reading many of my past entries. Back to the beginning> and I think I shall try to reinstate the 'Random Topic' as often as possible because it fits  Kenny's personality so well and there seems to be a bit of him missing.
[--- RANDOM TOPIC ---] CANDIES 

Kenny's fave Peeps

As earlier stated, Colbert mentioned four candies Kenny thoroughly enjoyed. I will start with the one he ate least often, as it is a seasonal candy.
1) Peeps> Kenny was a big fan of marshmallow-- he loved rice krispie treats and smores. He rarely ate chocolate candy unless it was melted with marshmallows and graham crackers. He was highly excited when Halloween peeps came into existence. Late childhood I think? Maybe the tween years...(:^/)

??? Of course his fave

2) Airheads> I remember well the Airheads faze. Kenny and Vincent would buy 6 packs all the time and Kenny was always most happy if he got the white mystery flavor. Naturally that would be his favorite, as was the random button on video game selections. Was it the element of surprise he enjoyed?

from the candy jar...

 3) Smarties> I can't say any of us loved these candies, but I can say we could not keep them in the candy jar. They are so tiny, tart, and easy to pop into your mouth. Quite addicting for sure! I started out buying one bag weekly to put in the jar and within a month it was two bags, then three. Three rolls at a time- that's how to eat them...

All time favorite

4) Swedish Fish> I can't remember where Kenny first tried these- school? party? Ben? But I remember him eating them all the time when we would watch t.v. shows together or 'Harry Potter' movies}- practically the only movies he would ever watch. At the time I was a Red Vine fanatic, but one night I didn't have any and Kenny offered me some of his favorite candy. I mean, they were the right color so I gave them a try. I was not an immediate fan, although it didn't take too many tries. Now they are one of my faves also. In fact, I've been eating them as I have been typing.
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Time is flying~~~~~ so I will continue. 

This is the corner of a shelf where I keep the few mementos of Kenny's that I have here with me. His table is still at mi Mama's as I have no place of my own. His wallet, peace sign and a small jar with his ashes are kept close together. I have found a few feathers the last few months so I added them. Today, I took out his senior pic from

his wallet and made a small display in his memory. And I was finally able to light a candle for him. The first candle lighting since I moved to the coast. I had some trouble getting the wick to stay lit. I had to light it three times and was about to burst into full tear mode so I closed my eyes and sat on the bed asking him to give me a sign with the candle that he was here. When I opened my eyes the flame was shining bright and I took this picture. The candle is burnt but the flame is still bright.

As each of the past five years have been, this one has been extremely challenging. I feel as if I have not been very alive except in very short periods of time. I have given up hope so many times, especially in the last six weeks. I know I have missed dozens of signs because my faith has been low. Yet, I survived another year. For me, getting through a year means living through November 29th. There were tears and headaches and everyday difficulties,but I made it through. And I was able to complete the two tasks I wanted the most. To honor my son's memory with a blog entry and a candle.
For inspiration and hope Kenny's beautiful spirit gave me a flame to light my way... and this feather I found after going to fetch my landlady's dog across the street at the neighbors.

A feather from heaven 11/29/16

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As another 29th of November comes to an end- I am grateful for the healing power of this blog. It might not always meet my expectations>>> the stories may not always flow>>> but my heart feels slightly more healed with every entry,, and my spirit just a bit more renewed. It is the strongest connection I have with Kenny, a place for me to remember the best times of my life, and to share them with whoever happens to read.
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Oh! I almost forgot today's fortune. Also, in memory of Kenny I ate a bowl of noodles, rice, and orange chicken. He loved orange chicken. His favorite place was called Cal Wok back home. It's no longer in business- we went there fairly regularly so there was sadness when I heard it had closed. I don't eat fortune cookies so; in keeping with our practice, I broke open the fortune cookie, set it aside and read the fortune. Seems fitting enough:

Until next time... a sign of peace~ a wish for hope, happiness, faith, and most of all ♥ love~ 

 

167* A day late

 

51 months since the tragedy that changed my life.

I am so upset with myself right now, but I think I will have to accept that for this year I will have to get the blog done when I am mentally capable and can make the time during this hectic period of my life.

On my personal journey to recovery I am for the first time since Kenny's death changing my life by choice instead of circumstance. It is an extremely tiring schedule with very little time for  rest or unwinding. It is also the most gratifying experience I have brought into my life in many years. 

I am pursuing a new career~~ one that I believe will eventually lead me to fulfill my lifetime dream of working in the art of healing the spirit. I once thought I would complete that work through healing the mind; however life has lead me to begin through the means of healing the body. In this pursuit I am in the process of receiving the education necessary to becoming an esthetician, which will allow me to do facial and head massage as well as complete body and skin treatments. This is step one of my plan. Skin being the largest organ on the body is exactly the right place to start because it affects our overall being more than most people realize. Once I am established in this industry I will pursue my license for becoming a massage therapist. After I have both licenses I will be able to work as a full body healer. Then I will incorporate energy healing. I will have to allow the universe to lead me in the direction that is best suited for me to make a positive impact in this world, so at the current time I am not sure in which capacity I will include energy healing. However, my interests are many ~ light healing, crystal healing, sound healing...

Anyway for the following months to come I am putting in 31-37 hours in school in addition to working approximately 25 hours a week and commuting 2&1/2 hours a day five days a week. Needless to say most of my energy is spent with these daily activities, not to mention homework and studying. Incredibly,, for the most part I am loving it despite the exhaustion.

Unfortunately, it also means that I am typing this blog entry at 2:27 am the morning after leap year has ended. I hate that I missed such a special day for writing especially because it is the first leap year since the year following Kenny's passing into the spirit world. I don't believe I received a single sign from Kenny. In fact it seems like it has been a while... OH Actually, oddly enough I just remembered something. I was drinking a bottle of water when I dropped my cap and it rolled under the bed. When I went to get it> amongst the dust was a single lone penny. I meant to get a picture but I forgot. I think I will try to take one now. Not sure 

how well it will show in the darkness...

as I thought, total darkness; but as I went to retrieve this picture I saw another with three pennies I know I took earlier this year. I had forgotten all about it. I am grateful to be wrong about my thought that the signs were not being received. I will pay close attention so I don't miss any.

Until next time....I LOVE YOU KENNY and 

                                    MISS YOU VERY VERY MUCH <3 Wish you had been here to see this with me...

Sunset @ Grover Beach 2016

  

 

166 quotes and feelings

I have no idea how this blog will progress this year. 
I've been thinking that I have desire to continue,, but unsure how to best relate what is in my heart.

There is so much lacking of Kenny. Nearly everything he left behind is still packed in storage. I have so many stories packed away. Remnants and memorabilia of experiences I long to remember and share.

Still figuring out how to make that possible. The one significant change in the signs I believe are from Kenny is that I rarely find pennies anymore. There were a few days when I found nickels instead of pennies after asking Kenny for a sign. Then I would think five pennies from heaven instead of one. Could it be because it is the fifth year without him?
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As for this month-- I am going to post sayings that reflect the way I have been feeling the last month. 
Sometimes my feelings are better expressed from another source.

I've always believed the feathers I used to find all the time were signs from Kenny. Someday, I will tattoo a replica of the blue feather from Kenny on my forearm.

The first saying mi mama gave me years ago. The part that really gets to me is the 'you never said Goodbye'. To this day I feel like I didn't get a goodbye. I only got a lost look, somewhat of a smirk really.
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 Always, always....
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 Hopefully,, someday....
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Until next time,, as Kenny would say

 

165* Kenny in the snow

Today is Tuesday the 29th of December. It has been 214 weeks since Kenny passed over to the other side*** as I began my day I thought " today is the 29th day of the month on a Tuesday, same as when Kenny died==} how shall I celebrate my son today?"

Quite different than on other 29th days of the month. So I asked Kenny for a sign, something that I could use as inspiration for today's blog entry.

And what should I see when I stride out in the morning? Frost on the grass-- frost on my car!! Now, in some places that may seem quite ordinary; however on the central coast of California it does not typically reach temperatures cold enough to cause frost,, and I have never experienced it before today since I left the valley.                                                      

Kenny (5 yrs) and Vinny (4 yrs) I LOVE THIS PIC!

Jheremy, Uncle Matthew, Vincent, Kenny 1996

From the first time Kenny experienced the wonders of snow he was hooked. I think he was 5 years old. He didn't mind getting bundled up or being soaked after playing in the snow. And, as he was at the beach, Kenny could be in the snow for hours. Running, sledding, spinning on snow discs, making snow balls==any, and all of it was great fun for him. I can hear his childhood laughter now...it's wonderful to remember him happy. 

snow digging? Vincent, Jheremy, Kenny

"Throw that snowball Kenny" 6yrs

snow sliding-- winter 1997

I, on the other hand, was done having fun after about half an hour. I would go sit in the car, teeth shattering, feeling like an icicle>> turn on the heater and try to defrost. I prefer to enjoy the spectacular view of the snow without feeling its effects.
Kenny was a nature lover. In retrospect I think the walls of his room slowly seeped the life out of him. I should have taken him out more. I feel the same happened to me while I was there. Being near the beauty of the ocean has helped me heal, however lonely it gets here.

12/ 22/ 1998 Jheremy, Kenny, Vincent

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One of the most special snow-days in Fresno occurred on December 22, 1998 while I was flying home from New Mexico. It was the day my Grandma Tanis died. Grandma grew up in New Mexico where it snowed every year, and that is where she died. I remember her complaining every winter in Fresno where she then lived; that it never snowed there and she missed the snow very much. Here are a couple of pictures the boy's dad took on that very special snow day. I always say it was a sign from my Grandma Tanis as if she was saying goodbye as the snowflakes fell. 

Is that a glow around Kenny?

Kenny, Ben, Zac- short sleeves in the snow- craziness

 Kenny's love of snow never faded. I often wish he had more snow trips. They became fewer and fewer as he grew older. His last day in the snow was spent with his best friend Ben and Ben's brother Zac. I don't remember if it was his last year of life or the year before, but I believe it was 1991.
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As the time turns to 11:29 p.m. I think of how I accomplished my goal this year with the blog. I started the year wanting to commemorate the 29th of every month with a blog entry. I tried to infuse a bit of Kenny's spirit in every writing and as many picture memories possible.

And, as if Kenny was speaking to me when I turned on my phone after work~ there was this picture via text message from mi Mama~ she is a constant source for uplifting my spirits. I don't know what I would do without her.

 


  ---}

 Hopeful is how I am feeling. In fact, I was expressing that exact sentiment to a co-worker today. That, for the first time in many weeks I feel hopeful for the future. Stronger, more sure of myself. Maybe because I survived another year not fully healed-- yet, closer to it or because I  am soon to create a life I truly want to live... I suppose it is yet to be known.

Until next time~*** May your life sparkle as the much as the snow crystals glisten in the sunlight

Kenny's last day in the snow-- sliding down of course...  :)

 

164* Christmas blog~ Centerpiece

Kenny's 1st Christmas~ Kenny's dad holding Kenny, Me with Vincent inside me, Jheremy 1991

Every family has a centerpiece....

for our little family unit Kenny was our centerpiece. He held us all together.

I was thinking of Christmas and how I have been alone the last couple years.



There is no Christmas without being with people you love. Since Kenny's death there was only one Christmas.

It was the year my brother died. The year my Tio Manuel died, and Vincent & I had one final Noel in the home I shared with my sons.

It was not a complete Christmas. Kenny was already gone ~ off into the spirit world and Jheremy hasn't spent the holiday season with us in nearly a decade.

Our family has disbanded entirely since Kenny passed. None of us live in the same town...and that may never happen again.

We keep in touch fairly regularly. I had nice conversations with both Jheremy and Vincent today. I wonder ... if Kenny was here ~ would we still talk daily as we always did. He is the only one of my sons I had that connection with.
 

Christmas 1993~ Mike, Kenny, Santa, me, Vincent

He is also the only person Vincent talked to daily. And although Vincent is making strides to exist in the real world, I can still see and hear the disconnection he lives with without his brother.

As torn as my heart is without Kenny I think Vincent needed him more. I am alone in this world, but aside from the years of motherhood with my children I have always been alone. Even in childhood.

Vincent has only been alone since Kenny's been gone. I don't mean entirely alone - with no one who cares. He still has us - his family. Me, Jheremy, and his dad. I mean emotionally alone - without connection. Kenny was his closest person. There with him since the day he was born. A daily part of his life.

These words burn in my heart from Vincent at Kenny's memorial service "I hear you guys saying I've known Kenny for this many years or I've known Kenny for that many years. But I knew him from the day I was born and I've lost my other half." My eyes can't hold the tears any time I recall that moment, remembering Vincent's voice breaking and him crying in public. The strong, stoic boy who never shows emotion. That is the affect of loss.
 

Christmas 1994~ Kenny, Uncle Matthew, Jheremy, Vincent

Christmas 1998~ Jheremy and Kenny

The daily connection. That's how Kenny was our family's centerpiece. Even with Jheremy's distance - Kenny is the one he would talk to; to find out how I was doing, how Vincent was doing, and to ask him what he should get us for Christmas.

Kenny was the mediator in times of trouble~ encompassing the greatest compassion and the most forgiving heart I have ever known. He had a light inside him. A truly kind spirit he shared with the world despite the cruelty he endured.

But more than that, he shared his spirit with us~ his family, in a place where he was loved and treasured and will forever be missed on every holiday by all of us, and I pray that each of us receives a sign from that beautiful boy letting us know his spirit is forever loving, kind, and compassionate; and still with us in his own special way.

*~That is my Christmas Wish~*  

Kenny with google glasses~ Christmas 2000? 

Until next time.... Christmas Blessings, Love & Peace

163* Year 4

    

So I heard this song many months back and it made me think of Kenny. I had never seen the video until today. I like the song more than the video.

I've always wondered if Kenny felt invisible. I think I remember him saying that to me once. And I definitely remember him saying he wanted to be invisible. Sometimes just to be hidden from the world that did not understand him and sometimes for the adventure of being unseen.

That was Kenny. A remarkable variation of thoughts and purposes. Many unseen by the world around him, known to the few who really knew who he was as a human. He wanted so much to rescue the world. To rid it of unkindness-- to make a difference, and all the while he was doing just that and never recognized it for himself---] the impact he made with his unselfish ways. If only the world had rescued him I would not being asking myself "how has another year passed without him?"

Another year. And my life is still unsettled.They say you never fully recover from the loss of a child. I know this to be true. Even though I mourn the loss of many others, and today includes my Tio Manuel- the devastation of living without Kenny still haunts me daily regardless of what my day entails. No matter what progress I make there is an eternal emptiness that will never be filled.

As I begin another year without my child I feel the strain of not having a home and how it affects my life. I wonder if I will ever have a home. A place where I can feel free and peaceful. If I will ever know what its like to feel loved in the space I reside ever again.

The home I shared with my sons was such a place. I wrote, I cooked, listened to music, and I baked! I spent hours on puzzles and projects. And best of all, interacted with the loves of my life. Ordinary activities that enriched my life and brought tranquility.These are lacking in my life now. The ability to do, the opportunity to fully be myself. 

This was my day: As the day became November 29th at midnight I was at work taking care of closing procedures. I worked till 12:30am. Within seconds of clocking out the tears were streaming down my cheeks. I had no control. I went to my car as quickly as I could and lay my head on the steering wheel weeping away.

I slept a few hours, which was not nearly enough to get me through the day. I dressed and left for Fresno. I spent no less than 8 hours on the road today. Upon arriving, I went to see Ravenne. As I was extremely tired and not feeling well, a friend took me to the Panaderia to eat and buy pan dulce. That is Mexican sweet bread, which was a treat Kenny loved. I bought a yellow one because it was Kenny's favorite. I just finished eating it.

Then I went to the cemetery to visit my Tio Manuel. I laid next to his graveside and talked to him awhile. I went to buy tealight candles to light for Kenny but that did not end up happening. Ravenne and I rode around for awhile, by which time I was exhausted so we took a nap in the car when we got back to her home. After that, I got back on the road and drove to Pismo.

When I got here- I went to the dunes of Grover Beach. That was one of Kenny's favorite places to go. I talked to Kenny. Of course, it was to no avail as he does not talk back. I sat a short time with the cool, breezy air and the sounds of the ocean waves. It was a good way to end all the driving. 

In finality, I am writing this blog entry. It is a fitting way to put a close to this day. I cried off and on the entire day. I had many thoughts about life and life's changes. Tragic events have a way of derailing our paths. I long to live an ordinary life with extraordinary meaning. I had other plans for the day and a part of me accepts that not all things happen the way we want and a part of me wants to be able to fulfill all the desires I have in my heart.

As for today,, it was one of those days I could not be with people. I needed my own space. My oneness with my dog because the person I wanted most is no longer available. I still wish for one day of conversation with my son. I want to know what he sees, what its like after death, if he is indeed in a better place as I imagine he is.

Someday....someday, I tell myself. Until then, I know I must do my best to find strength even though my heart has been through the ringer more times than it should. I will go on...and keep moving forward. Trying to reach the seemingly unattainable stars that I dream of reaching.

And hopefully by the time year 5 comes around I will have a life with extraordinary meaning.