163* Year 4

    

So I heard this song many months back and it made me think of Kenny. I had never seen the video until today. I like the song more than the video.

I've always wondered if Kenny felt invisible. I think I remember him saying that to me once. And I definitely remember him saying he wanted to be invisible. Sometimes just to be hidden from the world that did not understand him and sometimes for the adventure of being unseen.

That was Kenny. A remarkable variation of thoughts and purposes. Many unseen by the world around him, known to the few who really knew who he was as a human. He wanted so much to rescue the world. To rid it of unkindness-- to make a difference, and all the while he was doing just that and never recognized it for himself---] the impact he made with his unselfish ways. If only the world had rescued him I would not being asking myself "how has another year passed without him?"

Another year. And my life is still unsettled.They say you never fully recover from the loss of a child. I know this to be true. Even though I mourn the loss of many others, and today includes my Tio Manuel- the devastation of living without Kenny still haunts me daily regardless of what my day entails. No matter what progress I make there is an eternal emptiness that will never be filled.

As I begin another year without my child I feel the strain of not having a home and how it affects my life. I wonder if I will ever have a home. A place where I can feel free and peaceful. If I will ever know what its like to feel loved in the space I reside ever again.

The home I shared with my sons was such a place. I wrote, I cooked, listened to music, and I baked! I spent hours on puzzles and projects. And best of all, interacted with the loves of my life. Ordinary activities that enriched my life and brought tranquility.These are lacking in my life now. The ability to do, the opportunity to fully be myself. 

This was my day: As the day became November 29th at midnight I was at work taking care of closing procedures. I worked till 12:30am. Within seconds of clocking out the tears were streaming down my cheeks. I had no control. I went to my car as quickly as I could and lay my head on the steering wheel weeping away.

I slept a few hours, which was not nearly enough to get me through the day. I dressed and left for Fresno. I spent no less than 8 hours on the road today. Upon arriving, I went to see Ravenne. As I was extremely tired and not feeling well, a friend took me to the Panaderia to eat and buy pan dulce. That is Mexican sweet bread, which was a treat Kenny loved. I bought a yellow one because it was Kenny's favorite. I just finished eating it.

Then I went to the cemetery to visit my Tio Manuel. I laid next to his graveside and talked to him awhile. I went to buy tealight candles to light for Kenny but that did not end up happening. Ravenne and I rode around for awhile, by which time I was exhausted so we took a nap in the car when we got back to her home. After that, I got back on the road and drove to Pismo.

When I got here- I went to the dunes of Grover Beach. That was one of Kenny's favorite places to go. I talked to Kenny. Of course, it was to no avail as he does not talk back. I sat a short time with the cool, breezy air and the sounds of the ocean waves. It was a good way to end all the driving. 

In finality, I am writing this blog entry. It is a fitting way to put a close to this day. I cried off and on the entire day. I had many thoughts about life and life's changes. Tragic events have a way of derailing our paths. I long to live an ordinary life with extraordinary meaning. I had other plans for the day and a part of me accepts that not all things happen the way we want and a part of me wants to be able to fulfill all the desires I have in my heart.

As for today,, it was one of those days I could not be with people. I needed my own space. My oneness with my dog because the person I wanted most is no longer available. I still wish for one day of conversation with my son. I want to know what he sees, what its like after death, if he is indeed in a better place as I imagine he is.

Someday....someday, I tell myself. Until then, I know I must do my best to find strength even though my heart has been through the ringer more times than it should. I will go on...and keep moving forward. Trying to reach the seemingly unattainable stars that I dream of reaching.

And hopefully by the time year 5 comes around I will have a life with extraordinary meaning.