169* rainbow donuts and brokenness

~~November 29, 2017~~

People think as time passes it  gets easier- that the pain  weakens but it does not. i never  know how the heartache will hit  me.
I can plan for a day of  remembrance or celebration to  honor the son I lost to the evils  of the world. Then, as today, the  day comes and the pain strikes  so hard it paralyzes my mind  and  all I can do is curl up in my  bed and cry. 
There are no words to explain, to convey or conquer the  brokenness I feel inside myself. I endure the pain, fight  to ignore the sadness in my daily life but it will never  leave me. 
In the picture to the left,the feathers on the dresser and  sticking out of Kenny's urn are those I collected this  year. Also in the picture are the bottle-caps I added to  Kenny's collection.   Each year it gets a little more  challenging to find new  bottle-caps but I did find some  really cool  ones  on the beach since 11-29-16.
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Although some plans fell through today, I did make a trip to San Luis Obispo to buy special donuts at a place called SLO DO CO.
I discovered these donuts about a month ago. I have yet to taste one but just looking at them I know Kenny would have loved them! The name of these donuts are Rainbow Galaxy with marshmallow frosting}} even the name is cool enough to make Kenny smile; which, naturally made me smile and even giggle a little. While I was sitting in my car just about to leave-> I asked Kenny to give me a sign he was with me. So, I set my google maps to the SLO DO CO and began the drive. I thought it odd when the exit was Broad Street, but I had never driven there directly so I followed the guided directions. After exiting, there was one turn after another~ right turn, then left, then right again. I had to have taken at least a half dozen turns. It was like going through a maze. I began to get annoyed, then chuckled as I remembered I asked for a sign. Mazes were a thing for Kenny. When he was young he would design one maze game after another for hours. When he had three or more completed, he would bring them for me to play. I'm sure I have some of them packed away in storage and I will smile through tears when I see them again.  

The donuts reminded me of this peace sign that belonged to 

Kenny

I'm listening to new music as I am writing this blog entry. A violinist name Lindsey Stirling. I think Kenny would think she is amazing, which she completely is. He might even have a crush on her. As I get older and time passes I think of all that is lost, all that never had a chance to happen. I will never know what future he would have had; how many more lives he would have touched=] I will never know the girl who would have loved him, the honor of a first dance at his wedding, or the joy of holding a grandchild.
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I still try to find ways to keep Kenny alive in my life. Like finding random feathers and new things he would like. I saw a new Monopoly game and thought I would have bought that for Kenny and a rake shaped back scratcher. He would have been amused by it.

This particular year has been quite challenging as evidenced by my complete lack of blogging. Changes and challenges continue to be a constant in my life. A knee injury requiring surgery and a very long recovery time had a serious impact on most of my year. Most of the year I felt lost and broken.

Additionally, two Kenny items broke. A few months ago, I looked down at my Kenny necklace and noticed it was open. After four years the glue had come loose and all the contents had fallen out except the peace sign and a tiny clump of his ashes. In a way I think Kenny saved the peace sign and mini ash clump. I don't know how long it had been open but I had just driven a couple places so it could have been awhile. A very close friend of mine painted the peace sign black for me and I put the locket back together adding more of Kenny's ashes.

Another item that broke was the surfboard memento I had hanging in my car.After years of swinging back and forth on the mirror the cord broke and it fell without losing a single bead. It was one that belonged to Kenny given to him from a friend he met in the mental hospital he stayed in. I also fixed that today. It was important to have it done and in a short while I will go hang it in my car once again.

fixed surfboard string

There are still reminders all the time, sayings or pictures. Sometimes unsuspecting items that I think he would have liked that I would love to share with him. I frequently go to the dunes he loved so much and stare at the stars in the night sky. I whisper "I miss you" or yell "I love you Kenny" into the universe knowing he can hear me somewhere in the vastness of the universe where his spirit is traveling. I remember the loving, giving person Kenny was- the kindness in his soul like no other human I have ever known and I feel how much is missing from my life without him. I allow the tears, the giggles, the conversations with his invisible self, the memories and the occasional unusual dance movements~~ and that is how I continue to stay connected to my beloved son Kenny. I will always...

And now, as Kenny would say: peace, and from me: love

 Until next time