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| Kenny's 1st Christmas~ Kenny's dad holding Kenny, Me with Vincent inside me, Jheremy 1991 |
Every family has a centerpiece....
for our little family unit Kenny was our centerpiece. He held us all together.
I was thinking of Christmas and how I have been alone the last couple years.
There is no Christmas without being with people you love. Since Kenny's death there was only one Christmas.
It was the year my brother died. The year my Tio Manuel died, and Vincent & I had one final Noel in the home I shared with my sons.
It was not a complete Christmas. Kenny was already gone ~ off into the spirit world and Jheremy hasn't spent the holiday season with us in nearly a decade.
Our family has disbanded entirely since Kenny passed. None of us live in the same town...and that may never happen again.
We keep in touch fairly regularly. I had nice conversations with both Jheremy and Vincent today. I wonder ... if Kenny was here ~ would we still talk daily as we always did. He is the only one of my sons I had that connection with.
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| Christmas 1993~ Mike, Kenny, Santa, me, Vincent |
He is also the only person Vincent talked to daily. And although Vincent is making strides to exist in the real world, I can still see and hear the disconnection he lives with without his brother.
As torn as my heart is without Kenny I think Vincent needed him more. I am alone in this world, but aside from the years of motherhood with my children I have always been alone. Even in childhood.
Vincent has only been alone since Kenny's been gone. I don't mean entirely alone - with no one who cares. He still has us - his family. Me, Jheremy, and his dad. I mean emotionally alone - without connection. Kenny was his closest person. There with him since the day he was born. A daily part of his life.
These words burn in my heart from Vincent at Kenny's memorial service "I hear you guys saying I've known Kenny for this many years or I've known Kenny for that many years. But I knew him from the day I was born and I've lost my other half." My eyes can't hold the tears any time I recall that moment, remembering Vincent's voice breaking and him crying in public. The strong, stoic boy who never shows emotion. That is the affect of loss.
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| Christmas 1994~ Kenny, Uncle Matthew, Jheremy, Vincent |
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| Christmas 1998~ Jheremy and Kenny |
The daily connection. That's how Kenny was our family's centerpiece. Even with Jheremy's distance - Kenny is the one he would talk to; to find out how I was doing, how Vincent was doing, and to ask him what he should get us for Christmas.
Kenny was the mediator in times of trouble~ encompassing the greatest compassion and the most forgiving heart I have ever known. He had a light inside him. A truly kind spirit he shared with the world despite the cruelty he endured.
But more than that, he shared his spirit with us~ his family, in a place where he was loved and treasured and will forever be missed on every holiday by all of us, and I pray that each of us receives a sign from that beautiful boy letting us know his spirit is forever loving, kind, and compassionate; and still with us in his own special way.
*~That is my Christmas Wish~*
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| Kenny with google glasses~ Christmas 2000? |
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