165* Kenny in the snow

Today is Tuesday the 29th of December. It has been 214 weeks since Kenny passed over to the other side*** as I began my day I thought " today is the 29th day of the month on a Tuesday, same as when Kenny died==} how shall I celebrate my son today?"

Quite different than on other 29th days of the month. So I asked Kenny for a sign, something that I could use as inspiration for today's blog entry.

And what should I see when I stride out in the morning? Frost on the grass-- frost on my car!! Now, in some places that may seem quite ordinary; however on the central coast of California it does not typically reach temperatures cold enough to cause frost,, and I have never experienced it before today since I left the valley.                                                      

Kenny (5 yrs) and Vinny (4 yrs) I LOVE THIS PIC!

Jheremy, Uncle Matthew, Vincent, Kenny 1996

From the first time Kenny experienced the wonders of snow he was hooked. I think he was 5 years old. He didn't mind getting bundled up or being soaked after playing in the snow. And, as he was at the beach, Kenny could be in the snow for hours. Running, sledding, spinning on snow discs, making snow balls==any, and all of it was great fun for him. I can hear his childhood laughter now...it's wonderful to remember him happy. 

snow digging? Vincent, Jheremy, Kenny

"Throw that snowball Kenny" 6yrs

snow sliding-- winter 1997

I, on the other hand, was done having fun after about half an hour. I would go sit in the car, teeth shattering, feeling like an icicle>> turn on the heater and try to defrost. I prefer to enjoy the spectacular view of the snow without feeling its effects.
Kenny was a nature lover. In retrospect I think the walls of his room slowly seeped the life out of him. I should have taken him out more. I feel the same happened to me while I was there. Being near the beauty of the ocean has helped me heal, however lonely it gets here.

12/ 22/ 1998 Jheremy, Kenny, Vincent

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One of the most special snow-days in Fresno occurred on December 22, 1998 while I was flying home from New Mexico. It was the day my Grandma Tanis died. Grandma grew up in New Mexico where it snowed every year, and that is where she died. I remember her complaining every winter in Fresno where she then lived; that it never snowed there and she missed the snow very much. Here are a couple of pictures the boy's dad took on that very special snow day. I always say it was a sign from my Grandma Tanis as if she was saying goodbye as the snowflakes fell. 

Is that a glow around Kenny?

Kenny, Ben, Zac- short sleeves in the snow- craziness

 Kenny's love of snow never faded. I often wish he had more snow trips. They became fewer and fewer as he grew older. His last day in the snow was spent with his best friend Ben and Ben's brother Zac. I don't remember if it was his last year of life or the year before, but I believe it was 1991.
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As the time turns to 11:29 p.m. I think of how I accomplished my goal this year with the blog. I started the year wanting to commemorate the 29th of every month with a blog entry. I tried to infuse a bit of Kenny's spirit in every writing and as many picture memories possible.

And, as if Kenny was speaking to me when I turned on my phone after work~ there was this picture via text message from mi Mama~ she is a constant source for uplifting my spirits. I don't know what I would do without her.

 


  ---}

 Hopeful is how I am feeling. In fact, I was expressing that exact sentiment to a co-worker today. That, for the first time in many weeks I feel hopeful for the future. Stronger, more sure of myself. Maybe because I survived another year not fully healed-- yet, closer to it or because I  am soon to create a life I truly want to live... I suppose it is yet to be known.

Until next time~*** May your life sparkle as the much as the snow crystals glisten in the sunlight

Kenny's last day in the snow-- sliding down of course...  :)

 

164* Christmas blog~ Centerpiece

Kenny's 1st Christmas~ Kenny's dad holding Kenny, Me with Vincent inside me, Jheremy 1991

Every family has a centerpiece....

for our little family unit Kenny was our centerpiece. He held us all together.

I was thinking of Christmas and how I have been alone the last couple years.



There is no Christmas without being with people you love. Since Kenny's death there was only one Christmas.

It was the year my brother died. The year my Tio Manuel died, and Vincent & I had one final Noel in the home I shared with my sons.

It was not a complete Christmas. Kenny was already gone ~ off into the spirit world and Jheremy hasn't spent the holiday season with us in nearly a decade.

Our family has disbanded entirely since Kenny passed. None of us live in the same town...and that may never happen again.

We keep in touch fairly regularly. I had nice conversations with both Jheremy and Vincent today. I wonder ... if Kenny was here ~ would we still talk daily as we always did. He is the only one of my sons I had that connection with.
 

Christmas 1993~ Mike, Kenny, Santa, me, Vincent

He is also the only person Vincent talked to daily. And although Vincent is making strides to exist in the real world, I can still see and hear the disconnection he lives with without his brother.

As torn as my heart is without Kenny I think Vincent needed him more. I am alone in this world, but aside from the years of motherhood with my children I have always been alone. Even in childhood.

Vincent has only been alone since Kenny's been gone. I don't mean entirely alone - with no one who cares. He still has us - his family. Me, Jheremy, and his dad. I mean emotionally alone - without connection. Kenny was his closest person. There with him since the day he was born. A daily part of his life.

These words burn in my heart from Vincent at Kenny's memorial service "I hear you guys saying I've known Kenny for this many years or I've known Kenny for that many years. But I knew him from the day I was born and I've lost my other half." My eyes can't hold the tears any time I recall that moment, remembering Vincent's voice breaking and him crying in public. The strong, stoic boy who never shows emotion. That is the affect of loss.
 

Christmas 1994~ Kenny, Uncle Matthew, Jheremy, Vincent

Christmas 1998~ Jheremy and Kenny

The daily connection. That's how Kenny was our family's centerpiece. Even with Jheremy's distance - Kenny is the one he would talk to; to find out how I was doing, how Vincent was doing, and to ask him what he should get us for Christmas.

Kenny was the mediator in times of trouble~ encompassing the greatest compassion and the most forgiving heart I have ever known. He had a light inside him. A truly kind spirit he shared with the world despite the cruelty he endured.

But more than that, he shared his spirit with us~ his family, in a place where he was loved and treasured and will forever be missed on every holiday by all of us, and I pray that each of us receives a sign from that beautiful boy letting us know his spirit is forever loving, kind, and compassionate; and still with us in his own special way.

*~That is my Christmas Wish~*  

Kenny with google glasses~ Christmas 2000? 

Until next time.... Christmas Blessings, Love & Peace

163* Year 4

    

So I heard this song many months back and it made me think of Kenny. I had never seen the video until today. I like the song more than the video.

I've always wondered if Kenny felt invisible. I think I remember him saying that to me once. And I definitely remember him saying he wanted to be invisible. Sometimes just to be hidden from the world that did not understand him and sometimes for the adventure of being unseen.

That was Kenny. A remarkable variation of thoughts and purposes. Many unseen by the world around him, known to the few who really knew who he was as a human. He wanted so much to rescue the world. To rid it of unkindness-- to make a difference, and all the while he was doing just that and never recognized it for himself---] the impact he made with his unselfish ways. If only the world had rescued him I would not being asking myself "how has another year passed without him?"

Another year. And my life is still unsettled.They say you never fully recover from the loss of a child. I know this to be true. Even though I mourn the loss of many others, and today includes my Tio Manuel- the devastation of living without Kenny still haunts me daily regardless of what my day entails. No matter what progress I make there is an eternal emptiness that will never be filled.

As I begin another year without my child I feel the strain of not having a home and how it affects my life. I wonder if I will ever have a home. A place where I can feel free and peaceful. If I will ever know what its like to feel loved in the space I reside ever again.

The home I shared with my sons was such a place. I wrote, I cooked, listened to music, and I baked! I spent hours on puzzles and projects. And best of all, interacted with the loves of my life. Ordinary activities that enriched my life and brought tranquility.These are lacking in my life now. The ability to do, the opportunity to fully be myself. 

This was my day: As the day became November 29th at midnight I was at work taking care of closing procedures. I worked till 12:30am. Within seconds of clocking out the tears were streaming down my cheeks. I had no control. I went to my car as quickly as I could and lay my head on the steering wheel weeping away.

I slept a few hours, which was not nearly enough to get me through the day. I dressed and left for Fresno. I spent no less than 8 hours on the road today. Upon arriving, I went to see Ravenne. As I was extremely tired and not feeling well, a friend took me to the Panaderia to eat and buy pan dulce. That is Mexican sweet bread, which was a treat Kenny loved. I bought a yellow one because it was Kenny's favorite. I just finished eating it.

Then I went to the cemetery to visit my Tio Manuel. I laid next to his graveside and talked to him awhile. I went to buy tealight candles to light for Kenny but that did not end up happening. Ravenne and I rode around for awhile, by which time I was exhausted so we took a nap in the car when we got back to her home. After that, I got back on the road and drove to Pismo.

When I got here- I went to the dunes of Grover Beach. That was one of Kenny's favorite places to go. I talked to Kenny. Of course, it was to no avail as he does not talk back. I sat a short time with the cool, breezy air and the sounds of the ocean waves. It was a good way to end all the driving. 

In finality, I am writing this blog entry. It is a fitting way to put a close to this day. I cried off and on the entire day. I had many thoughts about life and life's changes. Tragic events have a way of derailing our paths. I long to live an ordinary life with extraordinary meaning. I had other plans for the day and a part of me accepts that not all things happen the way we want and a part of me wants to be able to fulfill all the desires I have in my heart.

As for today,, it was one of those days I could not be with people. I needed my own space. My oneness with my dog because the person I wanted most is no longer available. I still wish for one day of conversation with my son. I want to know what he sees, what its like after death, if he is indeed in a better place as I imagine he is.

Someday....someday, I tell myself. Until then, I know I must do my best to find strength even though my heart has been through the ringer more times than it should. I will go on...and keep moving forward. Trying to reach the seemingly unattainable stars that I dream of reaching.

And hopefully by the time year 5 comes around I will have a life with extraordinary meaning.  

                                                                                  

162* Halloween post

So,, once again Halloween is upon us.  Another year without my Kenny love<3 .  Halloween , or as I like to call it All Hallow's Eve is and always will be my favorite holiday.  It was also Kenny's favorite holiday, which makes me love me it more. So here are a few picture memories of my adorable son to remember the good times....

Kenny- 2 yrs -1993- Vincent 1 yr.

Kenny as a pirate- 10 yrs. old

Kenny with best friend Ben- -- 2009

//Kenny's business card  2009////

Kenny and Callie- 2010

Kenny's last dress up- 2010

 

Not quite sure what to call this look- 2010

 It's hard to believe its been so many years without him...I'm actually going to dress up this year again... as a gypsy for the first time since Kenny has been gone...I hope he is watching down from Heaven.... and telling me " have fun Mom".   and maybe I will see him in the starlight.***

Until... Next time....Love <3  Peace, and Happiness :}

To this day Kenny's  two best friends Ben and Callie are still together!!! Total Happiness <3 <3 

161* Kenny's 24th birthday and the tattoo

I would be there with you now wishing you a 
Magical 24th Birthday <3 and catching up on all we've experienced in the last three years

Unfortunately, that can't be for now. Sometimes, I think you visit me in my dreams. Its more a feeling than a memory.

I found a special penny the other day. Mostly special because I hadn't found a random penny in quite a while and also because the place where I found it is special to me. 

I also added two new bottle-caps to Kenny's collection. Someday, I will put them in a cool jar or something. I know I will continue to add to the collection all the days in my life, and as I am having many new experiences I am gathering caps he never owned.


2 new drinks... :)

Life has been very interesting the last couple weeks.
On October 2nd I finally got my first tattoo in memory of Kenny. It didn't turn out quite the way I wanted so I will have to re-do it in the future. But it still is special in that the dates were written by Kenny's best friend Ben and traced for the tattoo.

Born:  October 15 1991

Died:   November 29 2011

This is how it would look if it was black and gray. Unfortunately, its not.  

I recently read a book called The Reason I Jump   

by Naoki Higashida.  Its a very special book written by a 13 year old boy with autism.

 Inside the book is a story called I'm Right Here. What is interesting about this story is that it sounded as if it came from the perspective of a boy who died. Almost as if Kenny found a new way to speak to me. The book came into my life unexpectedly while talking to a friend who has a child with autism. 

  I had to return the book, however I plan to add it to my personal library as soon as possible.                                                                                                 

In a way, its proof that Love reaches beyond all boundaries in so many ways.                                                                                                      

After hours of tears this morning, I managed to get through the day with all its demands of work and education. I celebrated Kenny's life and birthday by continuing to enrich my own. This is the first year I have been able to do that. I think my love for self and life has truly been renewed during this year of 2015. Amazing, the journey of life with all its trials, twists, and turns- through heart crushing breaks filled with dark nights and days- somehow manages to find a lighted path with hope and joy. That is my life. And I am grateful I have found my way...

Until next time<3 <3 <3 <3

It's very much like the "Kenny dance"!

                                                

 

 

160* A Special Day

Today was a very special day!

~ Nick's butterfly~ I LOVE YOU BRO <3 ~

It is my brother's 46th birthday. That's how many years he would be if he was still with us on Earth.                     
To commemorate this day, mi Mama came to visit me in Pismo. 
There were no official plans and I kept thinking about what we could do. As I was creating a memory post for him this morning~ I asked my brother to help me out because mama was coming for a visit and I didn't know where to take her. And then my mind was struck with the perfect idea. 
I already knew I wanted to take her by my work. And then I thought I would take her by where I used to take Nick when he was working in the area. I thought for sure there would be one of his company's trucks there. It was odd that there were none. And no people either. 

However, there was the thrift store nearby. Of course, mi Mama spotted it as we first passed by. I told her it was part of the agenda because it was the very thrift store Nick-n-I used to go to with his kids. 

Me-n-mi Mama 9/29/2015

And while we were there, I was the lucky one to make a couple great finds. And even luckier because mi Mama purchased them for me. 

I have a yin-yang medallion my brother Matt gave me after Kenny died in his memory. It's been a long time without a chain because the beaded one I had broke many months ago and I haven't been able to find anything suitable to replace it. Until today that is. I found the perfect black chain. It is fabulously cool. And funny enough it had a black and white medallion. Which has now been replaced. 

The way I found it

The way it is now

I Love this new black chain. It is so much a Kenny style. And I am very happy to be able to wear this yin-yang in his memory again.
Actually, this is the third chain I have gotten for it.

In addition to this fabulous chain. Mi mama made a discovery in the jewelry case. Another memento for Kenny. It's a spectacular little curio box. 

 

This is definitely something I would have bought for Kenny. And to find it so close to his birthday is simply amazing!

And on the topic of Kenny's birthday >> I recently spent an evening meal enjoying Me-n-Ed's pizza with Kenny's two best friends. It was GREAT to see them again, as it had been a very long time since our last catch up session. They have become a darling couple.

While we were there, Ben drew me Kenny's birth-date and death-date in Japanese characters, which I am going to include in the first tattoo I will get in Kenny's memory.

Here is my version of what I want. I'm sure the ink artist will do a much better drawing. The dates will remain as they are because they were traced straight from Ben's drawings and that makes them special in my opinion.  

In conclusion<> I will leave you with a couple of wonderful memories from today.

1> As mi Mama and I were sitting in the gazebo at Shell Beach, talking and taking in the spectacular view~> a gorgeous monarch butterfly appeared from nowhere and flew around us. Mama stopped mid-sentence when she noticed. We both concluded that it was my brother showing us he is still around. 

2> At the Splash Cafe where we enjoyed lunch, the workers call out the names of the customers when there orders are ready. About half way through lunchtime Kenny's name gets called. We marveled, as if it was Kenny himself. The feeling of happiness lingers with me still. And shortly after, as we were chatting away Nick's name gets called. I am positively sure those are signs from the spirit world that my beloved brother and son are near, loving and caring for us with strong spiritual energy.

Until next time 
     FAITH ~ HOPE ~ LOVE ~ PEACE 

 

159* WHITE LIGHT/ BLACK SHADOW

I still Miss Kenny every day...
                                     However, I don't feel broken anymore.  I don't feel whole either. Someplace in between.  Putting the pieces together like a puzzle.

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Speaking of puzzles....
     Kenny's best friend's family completed an awesome puzzle this summer that Kenny would absolutely Love!! It's The Periodic Table Of The Elements.
   Putting together puzzles has been one of my favorite activities as long as I can remember. I hadn't done a puzzle since the summer my brother died. I stayed indoors and worked on puzzles nearly that entire summer watching 'Snapped' and 'Investigation Discovery'. 
    Working at summer camp this summer> I put together puzzles with my students. Fairly simple ones-- no more than 300 pieces. Seeing my friend's post of the completed puzzle inspired me. And, since I have the house to myself for a few days, I bought a puzzle for the first time in many years.
   It's fabulous! 750 pieces, which is acceptable for a five day project. One of my very favorite literary characters....and  his friends. 

Unfortunately, I've been so tired the last few days that I've only managed to sort pieces and complete the border. 
I will have to put more effort into it starting tomorrow.
    I absolutely love this puzzle. I'm a huge Pooh Bear fan and I'm pleased that Thomas Kinkade created a Disney collection. I have a few of his landscape puzzles but I didn't want another one, and to my surprise I found this at my first stop.
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Currently, I am listening to classical music. It has become a habit of mine while I write the blog if I am lucky enough to have the house to myself. 

I used my Kenny Angel mouse-pad today for the first time since I left the home where I lived with my three amazing sons. It's very strange not having a home after being in the same place for 16 years. It is the longest amount of time I had ever been in the same place. I am extremely grateful I was able to share a home with my boys. I don't know if life will ever be that good again. The greatest joy in my life is being a mom,, and holding that bond close to my heart.
<3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   

  MY  STORY   OF  BLACK  AND  WHITE  

  One of my lasted editions:phone case 

 

   My black and white craze  began several months  after  Kenny died. I think it truly  began when I was  packing  his clothes. I didn't want to  throw or give away most of  his clothes so my dearest  sweetest  friend suggested I  make a quilt with some of  them. 
   Of course I thought it was  a fabulous idea (which I  have yet to complete) so  I started to put clothes   aside that I would later use for his quilt. Kenny was   very much into black jeans. That's almost all he   wore,  however he owned one pair of white jeans he  hardly wore. I came up with the idea of making a  checkered quilt with his jeans and alternating pieces  with some of his black and white shirts and boxers.          Then I  found the essential yin-yang patch. It  made  me think of conversations Kenny and I had  during  the time he was doing independent study for  school. 
We talked of harmony, balance in life, and karma.  He was interested in learning my views and I  enjoyed  sharing my knowledge. Sometimes he even  agreed  with my thoughts. It was then, as I sat on the  rug at  the entrance of his closet packing his  clothes  that I first paid  attention  to  Kenny's interest of  black and white.  Very soon  after,  I began a  collection of sorts in  black  & white. I was wearing  Kenny's shirts for months after he passed. They  were  all black. Then I started getting black and  white socks, hair accessories, bandannas, and other  odds and ends. Most of which are packed. In the  past  year> my craze has gotten crazier! I am loving  all things black and white, especially if it has stripes.  Why stripes? I'm not sure. Maybe, it's the  representation of the balance of the two. 
    Anyhow, in the past few months I was thinking of  the connection of Kenny's life with black and white  in terms of lightness and darkness. Kenny was a   bright light on this Earth. He never knew in life how  special of a gift that was. His soul was the white  light-  his mind the black shadow. I think he  understood that resemblance in his life and that was  why he was drawn to the contrast of the two shades  of non-color. A different and separate existence  from  all the colors of the rainbow. He had the black  closet and black curtains with white walls in his  room. He had one black and one white light-bulb on  his ceiling. I know there were other examples but I  can't remember them now.  
   And now, I carry on the tradition of black and  white. Not for the same reasons. Partly in memory of  him and partly as a reminder that it takes extremes  in life to learn the lessons and have a survival story.  So far,, this is my survival story. 
   As an example, here is the hat I wear most often. I had it while Kenny  was alive. I wore it then, although not nearly as  much. Ben gave me the button a long while after  Kenny left us. This hat is the perfect place for it. 

   Also, I've become a bit obsessed with black and white clothing. I wear at least one outfit a week that is strictly black and white, including shoes. I have three pairs of black boots, an old pair of black high tops with checkered shoelaces and a new pair of Vans with mini-checkered shoelaces. 

  SHIRTS,  DRESSES,  SOCKS,  HAT,  INTIMATES & VAN'S  

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   In closing >-}  To Kenny ~  

   Until next time...   
                   As Kenny would do   

158* If only

I have been trying all day to think of what to write,, but my mind is mostly blank of any decent thoughts.

I think that I am in a much worse place in life than I was a year ago... so many of my thoughts, hopes, and feelings have changed and disappeared.

I am no longer willing to pretend everything is going to be okay

Maybe all hope is lost...

I just want to cry, and cry, and cry.

I can't believe I tricked myself into fighting to believe for such a long time.

Maybe Kenny was right all along.

My vision of life was so different than it turned out to be.

Lack of faith does create misery, but really what is there to be believe in when a heart cannot heal from a loss so devastating?

I've been told over and over that God does not give us anything that we cannot handle, but if that were true why do so many people end their lives because the pain or hardships are too much to live with?

There is only so much a spirit can take in this harsh world.

And when one loses hope, it all seems pointless.

I don't believe it is meant to be hopeless. 

Life is meant to consist of love. Love is essential.

I live in a place where there is beauty in the outside world but no love around me.

All the people I love are far away or in the spirit world.  

Life continues. Miserable life. 

How do I break free from this misery? 

I want so much to feel different. I want to live with the happiness I knew when Kenny would be silly and make me laugh.

My life lacks laughter. My memories fade and there are no new memories. 

I wish for a day with my son. If only that were possible in any way. Even a dream that would feel like a day.

We could wake up and make pancakes together. Sit somewhere and talk. I could hear about all that is going on where he is now and maybe for a change he could tell me not to give up hope the way I used to tell him.

We could take Ravenne to the river and wade in the water over the rocks and I could see him smile and laugh as he splashed about the way he once did, determined to make it across.

Then we could have dinner with Jheremy and Vincent; and I would bake a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. Kenny and Vincent would drink root beer. Jheremy and I would drink some kind of ale. 

After dinner we could play a long game of Monopoly. I think Kenny would choose the Onyx Edition. (currently its in a box in storage with nearly all of his belongings)

Then he would give me one of his tightest, sweetest hugs and kiss my cheek before he flies into the dark, starry sky. And this time he would say so long  Mom-- I'll see you again. "Have fun!"

Then I would feel hope again... and a lot of faith.

If only...........