158* If only

I have been trying all day to think of what to write,, but my mind is mostly blank of any decent thoughts.

I think that I am in a much worse place in life than I was a year ago... so many of my thoughts, hopes, and feelings have changed and disappeared.

I am no longer willing to pretend everything is going to be okay

Maybe all hope is lost...

I just want to cry, and cry, and cry.

I can't believe I tricked myself into fighting to believe for such a long time.

Maybe Kenny was right all along.

My vision of life was so different than it turned out to be.

Lack of faith does create misery, but really what is there to be believe in when a heart cannot heal from a loss so devastating?

I've been told over and over that God does not give us anything that we cannot handle, but if that were true why do so many people end their lives because the pain or hardships are too much to live with?

There is only so much a spirit can take in this harsh world.

And when one loses hope, it all seems pointless.

I don't believe it is meant to be hopeless. 

Life is meant to consist of love. Love is essential.

I live in a place where there is beauty in the outside world but no love around me.

All the people I love are far away or in the spirit world.  

Life continues. Miserable life. 

How do I break free from this misery? 

I want so much to feel different. I want to live with the happiness I knew when Kenny would be silly and make me laugh.

My life lacks laughter. My memories fade and there are no new memories. 

I wish for a day with my son. If only that were possible in any way. Even a dream that would feel like a day.

We could wake up and make pancakes together. Sit somewhere and talk. I could hear about all that is going on where he is now and maybe for a change he could tell me not to give up hope the way I used to tell him.

We could take Ravenne to the river and wade in the water over the rocks and I could see him smile and laugh as he splashed about the way he once did, determined to make it across.

Then we could have dinner with Jheremy and Vincent; and I would bake a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. Kenny and Vincent would drink root beer. Jheremy and I would drink some kind of ale. 

After dinner we could play a long game of Monopoly. I think Kenny would choose the Onyx Edition. (currently its in a box in storage with nearly all of his belongings)

Then he would give me one of his tightest, sweetest hugs and kiss my cheek before he flies into the dark, starry sky. And this time he would say so long  Mom-- I'll see you again. "Have fun!"

Then I would feel hope again... and a lot of faith.

If only...........