173* Kenny's 30th birthday and 10 years in the spirit world

 The day Kenny was born-10/15/1991 with me & 
his brother Jheremy (age 4)

2021

   It's hard to believe two years have passed since I last wrote a blog entry. Life has continued to put me in difficult situations; it must be my purpose in this life. It is nearly 10pm. I have spent the last two hours figuring out how to get pictures from my phone to my laptop and from there onto the blog. Happily, I have figured it out and I can feel good about writing this blog 😏  ****************************************  🌙

Kenny would be 30 ♍ 

My day started out at my friend Arletta's because I was house/ cat sitting. My main goal was to set up a memory table with Halloween candy 

and some items that are personal to me and linked to Kenny. Kenny liked the candy corn autumn mix and Americone Dream ice cream so those were my special treats on his birthday. Finding the candy was easy ($🌳) but strangely finding the ice cream was not. Kenny was a fan of Stephen Colbert~ he watched him practically every night. Sometimes I would watch with him. I kept all his recordings on his dvr until we had to move in November 2014. For awhile after he died I watched Colbert; but, it's been years since I've seen him other than commercials. I went to Vons thinking for sure the ice cream would be there because that store usually has all Ben & Jerry flavors; however, not on that day. I decided to go to 7/11 which I rarely do. I found the ice cream and when I was at the counter ready to pay I saw the Monopoly scratchers. I bought the gold one because gold was Kenny's first favorite color when he was about 5 years old, also because it was #29. Unfortunately, the scratcher was not a winner. 

   Last year on Kenny's birthday I finished my 200 hour massage program. Now I have my first certification for massage work. 

I haven't started doing my healing work yet because of COVID 19 and health issues. I've had 5 surgeries, and countless surgical injection over the past 13 months. Mostly for my back and one for a pinched nerve on my left leg. That surgery was in Stanford. The bright point about that is my oldest son Jheremy came from Brooklyn, New York to Fresno, CA for almost six months. He and my youngest son Vincent took me to all my Stanford appointments. Quite a lot of traveling because I live on the central coast in California. I had what I hope will be my last spinal fusion last Monday. It's taken a very long time but I truly believe in my soul that my life is moving forward towards the life I envision for myself.

   

My second goal for Kenny's birthday was to put up Halloween decorations around my trailer because that is something Kenny would do on his birthday when he was alive. We had lots of fun putting up skeletons, making graveyards, carving pumpkins and on and on... Halloween is still my favorite holiday. One of my greatest miss outs is seeing what kind of costumes Kenny would have come up with the last ten years. 

   So, I accomplished both my Kenny memory goals. Other than that I found a dime under the mat on the driver's side and found a penny on the passenger side while I was cleaning my car{Her name is Lil Miss Ub} I still find random pennies and also dimes now, together they make 11 cents and I always associate the number eleven with Kenny because he died in the 11th month of the year. I had been asking Kenny to send me a blue feather and I did find a pretty blue feather in August or September. I keep in on a tray on my bed. I didn't get a blog entry done for his birthday, but I did make a facebook post in his memory.

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Kenny's urn with pumpkins and his peace
sign and memory candle

Kenny's urn with bells and
Groot and burning sage

   

🔆🔆🔆🔆🔆10 years without Kenny🔆🔆🔆🔆🔆

About the pictures} Kenny's urn is on a brick he brought home I don't remember when. I took it when we (Vincent & I) moved out of their childhood home. It stayed in my car until earlier this year when I finally took it out and placed it near my parking area. I plan to spray paint it black and write something in his memory. The candle is the one I have had since the third year after his passing. I have moved at least a half dozen times and it goes with me every move. The big feather is one I found after I moved into the trailer where I am living now. I put pumpkins because Kenny liked them a lot! He liked to decorate with them, to carve them and most of all to eat the pumpkin bread and pumpkin pies I baked from scratch. In the second picture I put the sage I was burning and three bells, which each has a different tone. I enjoy ringing all three of them. I chose to have three bells with different tones for my three sons and how they are different. The one in the feather stand is for Kenny🔔 the tall slender one is for Jheremy🔔 and the round one in front of Groot is for Vincent🔔

   Today is a special milestone in my grieving journey. I thought I would be going through a complete breakdown considering all that I have been through since Kenny's passing. That didn't happen, I kept myself busy setting up pictures and taking care of my cactus garden and myself. I burned sage and listened to Native American flute music. I prayed for Kenny's soul and had nice conversations with family and friends. Surprisingly, I have been feeling completely peaceful. I attribute this to my practice of listening to meditation music and saying mantras. I started them in 2012 after Kenny's death at the suggestion and assistance of my spiritual guide at the time in Fresno. Quite often life gets in the way or I fall into depression and I stop doing meditations. I have found that I am at my best when I practice on a regular basis. My mantra is↠ highest potential↠ greatest happiness↠ best self/true self↠ increased intuition↠ super spiritual soul 💜 I listen to 10 minute meditation music laying on my back (sometimes a challenge) and take deep breaths and repeat in my head or out loud. After, I feel very connected to my inner spiritual self and am able to face whatever happens that day. For the most part I stay positive, although there are times when I  still get stressed out.

    Today, I thought a lot about what Kenny has missed over the past ten years. I think I will write another blog entry soon in the form of a letter to Kenny to tell him of some events he has missed out on. I do still wish he was here in his human form so I could have a real Kenny hug. He gave me the most comforting hugs in the world. I miss those and his laugh the most. I was thinking of how he looked at his memorial service. One of his hands was rubber and part if his hair was glued to his head. I wonder if he had legs; although I know it doesn't matter because he was already in the spirit world when the train hit him. I am still astounded that he was capable of walking towards the train with the whistle blowing and the rails shaking on the ground. He was determined to leave this world... and I will miss him until it is my time to leave 

feather I found on 10/18/2020 

 

Kenny's memorial picture on my car 
visor with his quote on it

Until next time....

Live with Love & Faith and find personal peace

p/s ~~ I have spent hours trying to fix the text mess ups with no success so I am going to give up now 😞