144* ~'~ Signs...

25 months  

It's nearly the end of December and it seems I have survived another year without my darling son. Time passes by, but the feelings do not change.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Eve: Vincent and I ate In-n-Out for dinner. Then I decorated my little Christmas tree in red and gold in memory of my brother Nick who was a huge 49er fan. Also, I waited to decorate my tree until Christmas Eve as was my Grandma Tanis's tradition. She kept her tree up until Epiphany which is January 6th. I'm still deciding on that. I didn't put up the nativity set this year. I don't think I did any decorating last year....mostly everything of mine is already in storage so on to the saving of traditions for 2014.
                         

Christmas tree~ 2013

Christmas Day: I awoke before dawn and watched the sun rise as I drove to my brother Nick's house to feed the puppies for my niece and family who were in Seattle visiting Navy nephew. 
   Then I went to mi mama's for a little visit with my other niece Nicole and give her a gift and play with puppy Popcorn.
After that I did the cemetery visits. 
   First I went to Belmont Memorial to see my Tio Manuel who recently passed. I was disappointed that there isn't any type of indication of who he is under the dry grass. Fortunately he is at the feet of his sister so I knew where he was. I sat, I talked with him, cried and borrowed a plastic candy cane from my aunt's christmas tree to drill a hole in the dirt and carve his name. I put a carnation in the hole. There are so many things I need to talk to him about and maybe he can hear me but I certainly do not hear his reply. I could really use his advice right now....
   After that I took flowers to my mom at St. Peter's Cemetery. By then it was quite warm so I didn't stay too long. I haven't had a visit from her in a very long time-- I do wish I could see her again.
   When I returned home I was exhausted physically and emotionally so I cried myself to sleep and took a nap. That was pretty much my day,, and a late visit with a cousin which was nice. I got a bad cough and have been dealing with that ever since. I vow to get well soon!!
   Overall, this Christmas was closer to normal than the last couple. Other than I didn't do my usual baking because all my baking stuff is in storage...life just keeps throwing curve-balls my way======but I think I am getting better at dodging or hitting them. Ha ha ha
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
   I have been thinking a lot about faith lately and the role it plays in my life. As a healing element it is paramount because I think I would still be on the floor drowning in puddles of tears. Sometimes I still want it to be that way but I somehow keep on going. One of my favorite holiday cds is Jewel's holiday collection. She does a medley version of 'Go tell it on a mountain' + 'Life Uncommon'+ 'From a distance' which I listen to over and over. This year it took me two weeks to find it because as I've said mostly everything is packed or in storage and I have music absolutely everywhere in disarray and mayhem. 
  One of my favorite verses goes: Come on you unbelievers
                                                       Oh! Move out of the way
                                                      There is a new army coming
                                                      Oh! And we are armed with faith
                                                     Oh! Live, Oh! We must give
                                                     Oh! Live
Whenever I listen to this I think of myself coming back to life-- to not let all of life's hardships take away my faith in God, life, and myself. It fuels me with hope and passion. Reminds of the days when I lived strongly without doubt or fear. Such a long, long time ago when I would try to give Kenny hope because I believed with all my heart it could make a difference. Then hope was lost when he took his life and I have been searching ever since. Slowly, in time. As the saying goes "And in time, this too shall pass". The pain and the sadness?? Never completely gone but somehow it may become bearable as I find strength with each day I hold onto hope and faith. It was shaken again this year with the deaths of my brother Nick and my Tio Manuel. I was barely emerging from the dark, dark clouds when Nick suddenly left us and there I retreated once again behind a thickness of gray. Very, very gray.
With each tragedy I survive-- my sense of self grows stronger. I do not want to hide who I am or what I believe in. I do not concern myself with the doubts or judgements of others as I once did. Maybe that is one of the lessons intended for me as part of my survival. Renewed strength in what is right for me-- of light and spirit. Essential to my being-- a key to finding happiness. Now if only the loneliness would disappear and I could feel loved again...but that's an entirely other aspect of life to deal with. I am beginning to believe I can survive most anything. A faith I had once before and am trying to hold onto once again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~*~SIGNS~*~ 
                          Hummingbirds
Dec. 6 ~'~ the night of my Tio Manuel's mass & burial I went to 
                  Savemart and there was a hummingbird flying above
                  me going from one side of the store to the other back 
                  and forth. I must have stood staring up at the ceiling 
                  for many minutes in amazement.
Dec. 12 ~ A Very Strange day
                  in the morning, there was a hummingbird fluttering 
                in and around the tree outside the living room 
                window.               
                it was flying close enough to the window to see clearly
                for a long time which is unusual because normally
                hummingbirds are flighty and difficult to keep an 
                eye on.
                  later, while I was washing the dishes the wind chime
                hanging outside the kitchen wind, which had been 
                stuck on a branch suddenly came swinging down 
                making a ruckus and catching me totally by surprise!
                   shortly after, as I was talking to my son Jheremy on 
                the phone, still in the kitchen I saw a NOVA truck 
                pass in front of my window, driving down my street. I 
                had never seen a NOVA truck before and I was kind 
                of tripping out because that is the name of the 
                crematory that burned Kenny's body.
 I've been wondering if the hummingbirds are connected with my Tio Manuel's spirit since I saw the first one after his burial service. I saw one on another day however I can't remember it exactly, only that it happened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                                        ~~Feathers~~  
found a couple more feathers--  theres been others but I don't always remember to take a picture or write down info. baby feather was found while walking with my dog.    mangled feather was found outside my tia's house on the day we my family got together to make candy.
                                                      

baby feather  12/16/13         

mangled feather  12/17/13

so I'm at the gas station the morning of Tuesday Dec. 17th-- and when I'm done pumping the gas and go to get in my car I find this random guitar pic laying on my seat exactly as I took the picture-- I don't remember ever seeing it before and I never left my car,, just went out of it to pump gas--so that was WEIRD!!!

 there have been a few Kenny penny days here and there but on 12/18/13 I  found all three of the pennies in the driveway of the Yale house centimeters apart so I took a pic of them together later that day...







 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 This has been the prayer I have been repeating the last few days....with all that has happened in the last month it is one of the ways I am holding onto faith

Until next time...

143* a new song-

Another sleepless night. Over the past two weeks the nights of sleep become fewer and fewer.

The second anniversary of Kenny's departure has come and gone and with it the loss of another important person in my life. Gone on the same day as Kenny and services the same day two years later.
Coincidence?? Is there any such thing?!!?

As I sit here at 4:30 in the morning I am listening to a song about suicide that someone special shared with me a couple weeks ago. It's a song I had never heard before. Its somewhat uncanny how well it expresses the way I perceive Kenny's pain.

As I have said before Kenny never listened much to music with lyrics but he did like to hear the sound of a piano playing. I have listened to the intro of this song at least a dozen times. Kenny would have loved the beginning and the end. Is that a train roaring down the tracks as part 1 fades away?

The song is 'I Won't See You Tonight' by Avenged Sevenfold

These are the lyrics:

"I Won't See You Tonight (Part 1)"

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved

It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

So no breath, no heartache, no pain for him...
Left to me now and forever

At times like these the sorrow only deepens without him,, and it is a sorrow that will never go away-- as the train roars two blocks away.

SERIOUSLY GOD-- WHAT IS THAT ABOUT????????!!!!!!!!!

Until next time 

142* heartbreak day

~ today I was reminded why I stopped making plans.
~ it is 12:07pm and I have not done much today.
~ perhaps it is because of the over-activity of the last week.
~ but I think not
~ I had intentions for the day before...
               last night I told Kenny's story to someone I hadn't seen in years. he did not know Kenny but he knew of him. I showed pictures,, I was strong while telling of what happened-- I did not cry which was a first. However, the more I spoke of him the stronger the sense of his loss became.
               by the time I got home I was kind of numb. I sat frozen on my bed and stared out into nothing for a very long time. well over an hour, sitting with the light on, no t.v., no candle, with Ravenne laying near by. my mind racing with the events of the night. my heart torn between the heartbreak of the past and possibilities of the future.
              finally, I forced myself to put on sleeping clothes. the air was chilly but it hardly fazed me. I returned to Kenny´s room- lit a candle- curled under the blankets- and lay awake for awhile praying to God. I must've asked God a dozen questions and said many prayers during the night. I slept a little, woke up, cried and cried...like I haven't done in months. I talked to Kenny but I didn't notice any signs.I faintly heard his voice, think he made an appearance in one of my dreams. I know the sadness blocks my visions, my acceptance of gifts from the other side-- one would think that the bond of love would overcome that but somehow it doesn't. I have cried most of the day. I don't even try to stop the tears now as I did earlier. What's the point??? they flow and flow down my cheeks,, my eyes feel swollen and my heart feels like it's been through a shredder~~ I tried to get Vincent to give me a hug but he wouldn't. he is not happy I am crying again-- I told him I was sad and that I miss Kenny. it seems even he thinks I should be better by now. will there ever be true healing?? a time when his memories will bring a smile and a sting to my heart instead of total, utter heartbreak?!! Once again, I have fallen into a place of devastation. I wish- for a change- that I did not feel so alone. I know that there is God, and angels and spirits of my loved ones but that is a different realm and my heartbreak is a barrier from such comfort sometimes. like now. I thought I was further along than this-- I thought I was ready to move on...to start over with most of my heart healed. where is the strength I am supposed to possess? I hear it all the time-] people tell me "Annette, you are so strong".
           Well, I guess that's not today.
           I pray for guidance and the courage to face all the changes right in front of me; to accept that my son is better in heaven than he was on earth; to hold onto the love and let go of the loneliness I feel without him. it's a prayer repeated over and over again the past couple years. I hear in my mind 'trust in God and he will guide the way'. I know that is my only hope...

Until a better day~~Love, Hope, Peace,Faith~~ 

141* something about November 29

]]]--November 29, 2013--[[[

so it's been 2 years now that Kenny is gone; sometimes it feels like forever ago and sometimes it feels like time has stood still

today I have been busy packing, packing, packing and cleaning.

yesterday was Thanksgiving again--two years without Kenny>> two years without turkey,, seems very odd to not have any regularity in one of the holidays we liked so much. last year because of the grief and this year because of the craziness.

will it ever seem normal again?? is there any normal? we never have been that normal of a family but that's o.k.-- I'm good with that-- I don't think I like normal all that much but I do like some sort of consistency.

I cooked very little-] in fact other than cornbread, I only made mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie
==========================================================
his room is nearly packed-- it will be empty before the end of the week
it looks different--] the only signs of Kenny are the picture of him and Ben on his t.v. and his element chart that is still on the wall 

now, there is nothing extraordinary about Kenny's t.v.-> other than the warning on it that is! A shining example of Kenny's sense of humor-- see for yourself

the warning on Kenny's t.v.

the element chart is reflected on the screen
I don't want to take it down so I will wait till the last day I think or when I can force myself to do it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
sad, sad news~~ my uncle died tonight,, same day as Kenny~ different year
______________________________________________________________
movie night was especially touching-- Callie gave me a hug at just the right moment

Vincent and Ben were quite entertaining-- I'm sure Kenny was listening with amusement from somewhere

we watched one of my all time favorite movies =   
 'the Avengers'  -- such a good movie- so much fun!!


************************************************************************ 
December 5,2013

two years ago today, many people gathered in a little chapel to say good-bye to Kenny.

it was an extraordinary event-- it was alive-> heartfelt, painful, caring, humorous, heart-breaking and thoughtful. I am grateful for the friends and family who spoke of the boy I knew-- the young man whom I admired and loved beyond all capacity of reasoning.

there are no limitations on the love I have for my children--> 
I cherish their very existence and hold onto the memories we shared
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
tonight, there was another gathering-- to say good bye to my Tio Manuel

this gathering was somber and quiet-- very different than Kenny's-] remembering the last day I looked at Kenny hits a tender spot in my heart but kind of in a good way-> it still hurts, I still cry and miss him but it does feel a little less broken

and although the healing is very, very slow-- almost like a crawling snail-- at least it's healing and any progress is positive

I have thoughts and plots of pictures and stories to come; I have many incomplete plans for ways to keep Kenny's memories alive. I pray that I make greater strides in the coming year than the past year and that I will continue to heal without losing my connection to Kenny.

Until next time-- Love and Peace...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Loving Memory

Manuel Valencia Robles  1946~2013

<3 Thank you for always caring

<3 Thank you for being the first and only Robles to pay condolences when Kenny died

:)  Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, and happy memories

Rest In Peace~~Enjoy Heaven and dancing with my mom

Until we meet again...I will always remember

me:" I love you Tio"
you: "I love you more"

~Tio Manuel and my mom, Noemi~ 1966

                                             

140* no amount of time...

23 months gone away...
still dreaming of  Kenny very often. Its weird that Kenny is always young in my dreams---young and happy}} those were the days! I was thinking today it is unbelievable that its been almost two years without him and how there isn't usually a lot of true meaning when most people say "I can't believe>>" but I really went numb when that thought went through my mind today 

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..

Finally,I am close to being well after being sick since August>> the herbal formulas my friend Eliora sent me cleared my throat infection
[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..

SO---] I drove my car today for the first time in nearly a month. I was listening to the Beatles and thinking of Kenny as I drove to In-n-Out. It is the only fast food place that me and all my boys agreed on. It still is the first stop Jheremy wants to make every time he comes for a visit. Vincent and I like to eat it from time to time. As I was waiting in the drive-thru I was telling Kenny it was time for In-n-Out thinking of what he would order. It was always a hamburger with grilled onions, an order of fries and a water. If he was really hungry he would get two hamburgers, he never added cheese. He and Vincent ate in the car all the time while I drove. Kenny liked his fries right out of the bag. He didn't use ketchup or any other condiment. For awhile, Vincent ate them with ranch dressing but Kenny never got into it. 
After Kenny died, Jheremy's friend Conor was around alot when Jheremy was here and In-n-Out was a common meal. Conor eats his fries with the animal sauce dressing so we tried that for awhile. I think Kenny would have made some sort of comment about the animal sauce  covering the fries
[----------------------------------------------------------------------..
  

 

 as I was beginning to drive, this baby feather flew on my windshield and stuck there so I pulled over to take a picture. it was right after I thought "I can't believe its been 23 months today"............. 10/29/2013

I spent some time in my car today-- I drove to the tracks where Kenny died. My mind swirling with thoughts of Kenny's walk down the tracks and wondering how he was able to do it. I try to accept his decision to leave this world, to disregard how much I love him,, how much I would miss him--its unfathomable that he could think I would be able to continue a normal life without him. I'm no where near moving on with my life. Every attempt I have made has been an epic fail. There is no normal for me anymore. No semblance of any kind of happiness and deep deep down into my heart I don't know how there ever will be.I know I receive signs from Kenny and I often hear that our loved ones who have crossed over want those left behind to be happy and continue on but it is so much more difficult than anyone can imagine when a heart is smashed to bits and a world is clouded in blackness. My world is black now--it lacks color and depth and meaning. How do I get it back?? A life that's vibrant-- a desire to continue>> I do not know...
I was thinking I try so hard to hold onto him any way I can. I have many keepsakes with me as often as possible and it got me looking around my car so I took pictures of them as I sat in my car today

this is one of the extra large rubber bands from Kenny's collection of rubber bands,, I've had to replace it twice because they become brittle from the sun--   it's time for a new one... 

this is a little caesar's bouncy ball that Kenny got somehow-- I don't remember if I found it in his room or if he left it in my car...

this is the first thing I see when I get into the car- it is wrinkled now because sometimes I hold it or squeeze it while I cry... 

this is a recent addition to my car; when I was packing Kenny's room I decided instead of packing this I would hang it in my car-- it is a gift from Kenny's friend Ariel whom he met at the mental hospital in Ventura>> they kept in touch for more than a year until she was sent away to a place where she could not be contacted.   I, very often wonder what ever happened to Ariel....

I accept that there are questions that will not be answered in this life ...........................................]

I look forward to being with my darling son when this life is over-- I anticipate the feeling of lightness and overwhelming joy...............................................]

and I continue to search for meaning in this life I have been left to live.................................................]

struggling to hold love and light within me................]

until next time 

139* Kenny's 22nd birthday

~ October 15, 2013 ~

I just re-read my blog entry from last year on this day. Its ridiculous to think I feel worse this year than last, but it's true. Today is the second birthday without him and again this year I am sick; only I have been sick for a very long time and I didn't even think of making a single plan. Luckily, I've had this candle sitting around all summer so I used it for Kenny's birthday candle.

I tried to remember how we spent Kenny's last birthday together and other than I know that I made him a cake I can't really remember that day. I hope it comes back to me someday and that my blankness is only a result of me being ill and being temporarily brain dead for the last couple months.

Vincent had his 21st birthday last month so he has officially outlived Kenny by more than a year. I did find myself a little relieved that he lived past the age of 20. It was almost as if I held my breath the entire year he was 20 because I was always worried in the dark recesses of my mind that something would happen to Vincent too. I practically didn't sleep the week before his birthday.

There was no celebration of any kind this year. Mostly because I have been ill. I have no energy, I haven't baked since last spring so he didn't get a cake or cookies. I didn't bake today either. Mostly because I am still ill. I wonder if I will get well or if I will be with Kenny on his next birthday. It somewhat feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. I've been seeing Kenny in my dreams a lot lately and my Grandma Tanis and other loved ones have been visiting me in my dreams. Maybe I am being prepared....I have been fighting to get well but I am weak now, constantly tired and my body is not getting well. I have one last recovery attempt that a friend of mine is sending me: otherwise it seems hopeless.

If I do get well---] next year I am making Kenny a birthday cake! If not, at least I won't be missing him anymore... 

2 feathers from Kenny

138* untitled

~~~ nothing significant this month-- been sick every day and my mind is pretty much brain dead...

the more time goes by, the more I miss having Kenny in my life

- - - san francisco 2008 - - -

 the silliness and laughter have been silenced forever~~

137* it never ends

I hate that Kenny is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that the sadness never goes away!!!!!!!!!!!

why? why?? why???

I AM sooooooo mad>>>I want him back,, I want to talk to him and have him answer me-- 

there are no answers!

I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a Kenny hug'''''''tears'''''''''''

136* Kenny

=====Kenny's  DIVEKICK character=====

135* august

i have been in major meltdown mode the past couple weeks--

august has been a sad, sad month...
11th~ my mom in heaven would have turned 65
19th~ two months without my brother nick
20th~ would have been my grandma bernie's bday (also in heaven)- don't know which one
29th~ too many months without my beloved son~~ still in mourning,, crying all the time

unexpectedly, we are still in the house where my children grew up

kenny's pigs are still atop his dresser

i stayed in bed for 10 days which ended yesterday--
been thinking of kenny SO MUCH lately} DIVEKICK came out this month == seeing kenny's character has been overwhelmingly emotional for me

on the more productive side-- i finished reading the host which i LOVED and read the last four chapters two times! thank you to callie for letting me borrow it and sorry i've had it so long....>>>

my younger brother matt and his fiance maria were here for a visit at the beginning of the month and i am decorating their cake top-- i think i will have to get started on that very soon...
.............................................................................................................

i have been finding less pennies (although there have been a few) and been finding feathers instead~>~> strange; don't know if it means anything

until next time~ <3

134* packing.... or lack thereof

BROKEN HEARTED>>> ANGRY>>> FRUSTRATED>>>        emptying Kenny's room....
its a terrible feeling packing his things

I had to make myself go numb in order to get through the last couple days, but now the tears are flowing and the sadness has kicked in.

Thursday- we moved Kenny's bed to storage and the gray metal shelf he put together. The bed had to be taken apart but I did not break up the 12cube shelf he built. It still has the sticky note he put on it the day he put it together. I wish I had taken a picture now that I am writing this blog entry.

I had to box everything that was in/on Kenny's bed post. I emptied the top of his dresser and took pictures to put it on craig's list-- if I ever figure out how to do it.                 
                           

-] Kenny's empty dresser [-

 When we returned from storage, I cleaned all of Kenny's pigs and arranged them on his dresser to take one last picture before I pack them. That was Thursday-] I still have not packed them. I stared mindlessly into space while I dusted, arranged and took pics; but somehow, that is as far as I could mentally go. As soon as got a box and bubble wrap I froze.

-] piggy collection  8/8/2013 [-

Friday- I began the day with the intention to get Kenny's pigs and shelf packed. I have crammed so many of Kenny's books, notebooks, pictures, games, and some of my own stuff onto his shelf that is looks completely chaotic.  

-] Kenny's stuff [-

I managed to get through my normal morning routine: meditation/ coffee/ Ravenne time-} play ball and go for a walk. Then I ran a couple of errands. When I returned home I was very tired; I went to Kenny's room and could not fathom getting anything packed so I laid out sleeping bags and pillows on the floor and slept for five hours. I woke up feeling very down. I took my pillows to the living room where I am currently sleeping and left Kenny's room for the night. I ate and went back to bed.

Oh, there is something else I got done. Sometime during Thursday I cleaned Kenny's red rug. I never was able to get a proper picture before because it was filthy and Kenny's bed was on it so at last here is a picture of Kenny's red rug which will remain in his room when we leave this house.

-] the red rug [-

I don't know why he liked this rug so much. Perhaps, it is because it had many imperfections. I will always remember rolling it up and carrying it together and I will keep this picture in my phone to help me hold onto that memory. 

It was a happier time when Kenny was alive... and those days can never be returned. Memories pale in comparison to how I felt when my children were here with me.

Until next time...

 

133* so many memories...

summer is flying by so quickly....
]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
the past month has been spent packing and moving stuff to storage as well as getting used to not having my brother around. i think of him ALL THE TIME-- when i need to do computer stuff- when i listen to classic rock- when i listen to the dodger games- when i want to text him out of the blue- when i eat something that reminds me of him- when i talk to mi mama or my younger brother- when i'm missing kenny- it never ends....
***************************************************
callie noticed that the living room looked different when she was here for movie night last night-- it was a real good night for me. ben wanted to spend a few minutes in kenny's room one last time-- i had a tearful moment when it occurred to me i might not see them again, but i pray that does not happen.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////
it's been awhile since i posted pics of kenny so...
here is a set of random pictures i found yesterday

Halloween 1992- 1 year

December 1992- Jheremy 5yrs, Vincent 3 mos, Kenny 1 yr

Me n Kenny- beach time - January 1993

Loving that leather jacket- 1yr +

sneaking a cheeseburger! 2 1/2 yrs

Power Rangers! Kenny=red & Vincent=blue

Kenny (7yrs) with Great Grandma Nellie and Jasper-

Kenny(6) > Jheremy(11) > Vincent(5)

Kenny is 10! remember Rumble Robots?

Just having fun!!!! age 8

Jheremy (14) - Vincent (10) - Kenny (11)

So 
many memories ....best times of my life
Peace and Love until next time

132* movie night

20 months ago today,, seems like time has passed and stood still,, very strange...


watching movies with Ben, Callie and Vincent--- had Little Caesar's pizza and breadsticks- first time Little C's been in my house since Kenny was alive

also I ate way too many swedish fish-- one of Kenny's favorite candies, they are addictive...

will post more tomorrow- I scanned a bunch of pictures, but its time for movie #2

First one was "Pirates of the Carribean-at world's end"
Next, "Eragon"

Until tomorrow   

Little Caesars/ IBC  ROOT BEER/ Swedish Fish- 3 of Kenny's favorite treats... keeping his memory alive

131* losses and pennies

In Loving Memory~ 
          Nick Montaño  Sept/1969- June/2013

Nick and Annette- me n my bro

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The last month has been filled with loss. My brother died last week and yesterday was his funeral. His death was completely unexpected and still seems unreal. I truly expected to see him alive yesterday at the funeral home.

Another whirlwind of emotions has been hitting me, however somehow it doesn't feel at all the same as losing Kenny, or the possible impending loss of my dog Ravenne. It's a very different, strange feeling. There have been waves of sorrow and grief, but I feel my brother Nick left peacefully and just the way he wanted to go. He died in his sleep.
------------------------------------------------------------
other than that I have been losing things nearly everytime I turn around it seems.

I lost my grandmother's ring a while back and have not been able to find it no matter how I search.

I lost my peace ring while doing a yard sale at my mom's house. I looked everywhere for a week, even in the boxes and garage where I found it two weeks later. It was in a box of items for a yard sale. When I was unpacking the box my ring was in it, only it didn't look the same. It was smashed as if it had been run over. So I put it in my car and then somewhere in my house and have lost it again.

The week before that I lost the button Ben gave me that looks a little like a yin-yang and that made me very sad!  

I liked it so much I took a picture of it long ago.
********************************************
In other news =there was a series of day when I was finding lots of pennies. One day I found seven pennies in the same day. After finding a few, I thought it was so amazing I took pictures of them.

 

 The first picture is the fifth penny I found that day in the bathroom at Target. The first four I found all in a row in the parking lot at Target. I tried taking a picture but it didn't turn out. 
Later that day I found two at the gas station when I was getting gas. I found one when I went to pay and one when I was walking back to pump the gas.
That was on June 13, 2013. I guess Kenny was missing me that day and sending lots of hellos.

Until next time...cherish your loved ones <3