124* Is it progress?

I am so glad to be home, warm in Kenny's bed. I'm watching 'Bones'--a show I like a lot that Kenny sometimes watched with me. 
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When I woke up this morning, I thought "today is Tuesday and its the 29th" same as the day Kenny left this life. I haven't felt his presence lately. So I repeated into the air, "Kenny please be with me today". I think I heard "I'm here mom" but I can't be sure.
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I have much trouble getting up lately. Night after night I have nightmares. I wake up feeling horrible, afraid, and paralyzed. Then I go back to sleep and have more nightmares. When morning gets here--I don't want to get out of bed or open my eyes. I lay awake for a long time with my eyes closed and chant to myself,"everythings ok, everythings ok". Sometimes I wonder if its a lie or its the truth.
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The past month has flown by so quickly. I'm getting used to Kenny being gone all the time. I still talk to him often, but there's only silence in return the majority of the time. 
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I don't like thinking that I'm letting go of Kenny. I received a message from a gifted young medium that Kenny wants me to move on--that he wants me to stop replaying his death. So I have spent the past weeks trying not to think of anything about his death. It makes me sad, I don't know if it means I'm letting go of him. I got mad and yelled at him for giving me that message. After all, it was his doing,, and I don't want him to be gone from my life forever.And the sound of the train still drives me crazy-} I want to scream when I hear it or I yell into the air "I CAN'T STAND LISTENING TO YOU ANYMORE--GO AWAY!!!!" or "AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" To me the train is the worst sound I have to hear over and over>>there is no escaping it. Covering my ears and making incomprehensible sounds doesn't help either.
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For the most part, I'm getting back to myself. Not the same exactly but I have no expectation to be the same. I spend more time trying to keep my spiritual side alive as a way to keep myself going  through this life. I go to sessions of sound therapy for energy healing. I always feel better after a session even if I feel terrible when I get there. I also do short meditation nearly every day. Sometimes I feel better temporarily, and sometimes it last a whole day.Its the only way that I feel like I am moving towards some sort of happiness. Without a strong spirit, I will never progress to the next stage of my life.
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So on to another month of life. I look forward to Jheremy coming for a visit next week...
New pictures for sure next month.
I miss writing in the blog because I felt closer to holding on to Kenny and I felt like I was keeping his memory alive.
I don't feel that anymore,,it's rather disappointing.
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So the first month of 2013 is almost over. It certainly is different than a year ago. Not in big ways but in little ways- I get up most days even when I want to stay in bed. I cry for shorter periods of time, although still a day never goes by without tears. And I get dressed more days than I used to,  though there are still times when I stay in my pjs all day and watch television from morning to night. I try not to do that as much, at least now I feel guitly about it where as before all I felt was numbness.

Until next month "PEACE"    
   
   

123* HNY 2013

~~**HAPPY NEW YEAR***2013~~ 

Well-- this is the year for new beginnings. By this time next year I should have a completely transformed life. My leg is healing slowly and so is my heart. Yesterday, I spent the day crying for many reasons and I yelled at God, the world, and Kenny. Today, I thought about all that I want from this life. It is a very lonely place here on this Earth for me now.

Inevitably, it seems I always end up without the people I love. Most of them have crossed over-- someone else whom I love very much is extremely ill and will probably be there soon. Anyway, we are far apart from each other. As it has been for years. Death doesn't seem to have the same effect on me as it once did-- after losing Kenny, there isn't any loss so awful as that of a child. I hurt more that I am away from someone I love while there is still life to live.

I saw Kenny in my dreams again--It was very strange,, I was lost in New Mexico somewhere and it was dark. Then as it was breaking dawn, I was at a gas station in my very own little car with Ravenne. I had been driving alone--but someone was in the back of the car on the phone. I heard someone talking to Ben and it was so bizarre because I could hear my mind say "who could that be? Kenny is dead" then I looked behind my seat and it was a resemblance of Kenny sitting on the back seat of my car looking down at a phone which was much newer and nicer than the one he actually had during life. He didn't look real, but he looked like Kenny--then he floated away and I woke up. That must have been my New Year's Day gift.

Anyway-} I wish all of you a Blessed and Beautiful 2013--} with lots of dreams coming true,, only you can make it happen-} with help from God, Angels, and the Universe**!