I've been trying all day to think of what to write but I'm not able to concentrate on anything. I sat and stared at Kenny's pigs for awhile; I watched his candle glow and had the t.v. on all afternoon- I'm really sick of the t.v. but the days have been so bad lately...
I know I can't continue this way if I am going to move on with my life. It would be better if there were something I knew I wanted,, if my life had some direction. Both my other sons are good--doing new things, keeping their lives going. It is best for them that way and I am glad for them; but I am not able to make changes yet. There are many things I think of doing yet I don't actually do any of them. I'm on a very bad path and I am beginning to fear I won't be able to get off of it.
~~~ PEACE...
Element of the day (day 30)
#22) Ti- Titanium-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants.
Discovered in 1791 by Rev. William Gregor, England.
Very corrosion resistant. 9th most common element in the Earth's crust; in meteorites, the Sun and the Moon. Many uses in chemical production and anywhere light, strong alloys are needed. Used in some white paints and as a pigment for coating paper and plastic, as a food additive, in sunscreen lotions and fireworks.
Chiefly obtained from the minerals ilmenite and rutile. Mined in Australia, Sierra Leone, South Africa, Russia and Japan. Ilmenite is a common mineral on the Moon. Any future settlements on the Moon would likely use titanium as a primary building material.
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
29* video games
A few days ago, one of my sons said to me in an upset tone "you don't do anything anymore". And he is right--for months I have been numbing my mind with t.v. and spider solitaire. I can see Kenny now shaking his head at me because I get frustrated with losing the game all the time. It was one of those things that he would say is a waste of time. He would try to get me to play other games because computer solitaire is a game of chance and not strategy he would say. He did not like me playing at all. He taught me how to play 'Katamari'--it was the only video game I was any good at since the original 'Bomberman'. He patiently tried to teach me many other games that he thought were easy enough for me, like 'Kirby' and 'Mario Party'; but I am terrible at video games. Although I really liked playing 'Phoenix Wright-Ace Attorney', that was a game Kenny shared with all his friends. He got through it in a matter of hours~it took me days, and days to finish. Another time he had me watch him play Ghost Trick so I could try--it was a very cool game but I needed his help so much it was like he was playing again. That was a laugh for both of us!! He couldn't believe how hard it was for me to play--what would he say?..I think it was "you're just not good at video games mom".
However, Kenny was very good at video games, as is most of his generation. He could play from morning till night. The last years of his life his favorite game was 'StarCraft'**now that was a game I could not keep up with at all, even watching him play was confusing. But that was his all time favorite;when his best friend Callie gave him the new version 'StarCraft II' for his birthday Kenny was thrilled>and disappointed because he couldn't play it right away. He was so excited but he had to buy a new laptop with highly advanced specifications, which he did rather quickly.It was a big purchase for him, probably the most expensive of his life. I think he played all night when he first put it on his new computer. One of the reasons he like that game so much was because he was able to play with his friends. They would plan times to get on their computers and play-Kenny always looked forward to that time very much. When his other best friend, Ben got the boardgame version of 'StarCraft' they got together for 3 or 4 days to complete the game,,very long interesting days according to Kenny.I sure do miss seeing his eyes light up when he'd had an exceptionally good battle. It was a game of strategy he would say,,and I really miss so much knowing he is in room, on his bed, playing his favorite game. It will never ever happen again!!!AND THE TEARS BEGIN TO FLOW.............
Element of the day (day 29)
#21) Sc-Scandium-]metal
Discovered in 1879 by Lars Fredrik Nilson, Sweden.A soft, silvery-white metal with a very high melting point, rare on Earth, more common in the Sun and stars. Few uses: makes very bright mercury-vapor lights, very important for color television cameras. Used in alkaline batteries. The first pound of pure scandium was not produced until 1960.
Rare- is only economical to extract from uranium ore tailings and from the minerals euxenite, gadolinite and thortveitite. Most mined in Scandinavia, Iceland, and Madagascar.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
28* August 29th
Today I am an emotional wreck and I know why I stopped keeping track of time the last few months. It was too hard to know what day it was because knowing means remembering. Remembering how long it has been without Kenny and though that doesn't necessarily mean holding onto the last day or reliving it--its knowing all that has been missed since that last day. It is August 29, it has been nine months since Kenny died and now is about the the same time that the officer came to my house to take his i.d.->2:01 pm. I don't normally keep track of those details but the memory returns if I happen to look at the time. I suppose that once an event is burnt into your mind it automatically reveals itself if the minutes coincide on another date.
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I wanted to write more today but the past couple hours have really blanked my mind completely--Kenny deserves better than this}he was a sweet and loving soul but I'm in so much pain I don't think I am doing him justice with this blog. I'm so stuck that I am very frustrated with myself...
Element of the day (day 28)
A fairly soft, silvery-white metal. The 5th most abundant metal in the Earth's crust. With oxygen forms lime (very important). Used in the production of metals, papers, plastics, paint disinfectant and water treatment, and many building compounds, such as cement, plaster and plaster of Paris. With phosphorous, it is the principal component of bone.
Minerals are common and can be mined almost anywhere. Chiefly from limestone, dolomite and gypsum.
---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---*---
I wanted to write more today but the past couple hours have really blanked my mind completely--Kenny deserves better than this}he was a sweet and loving soul but I'm in so much pain I don't think I am doing him justice with this blog. I'm so stuck that I am very frustrated with myself...
Element of the day (day 28)
#20) Ca-Calcium-] metal
Essential for life to exist in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1808 by Sir Humphry Davy, England.A fairly soft, silvery-white metal. The 5th most abundant metal in the Earth's crust. With oxygen forms lime (very important). Used in the production of metals, papers, plastics, paint disinfectant and water treatment, and many building compounds, such as cement, plaster and plaster of Paris. With phosphorous, it is the principal component of bone.
Minerals are common and can be mined almost anywhere. Chiefly from limestone, dolomite and gypsum.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
27* I miss Kenny
I am at a total loss for words--I'm feeling sad, very very sad once again. I miss Kenny...tears,,,
Element of the day (day 27)
A light, very soft, silvery-white metal. 7th most abundant element in the Earth's crust. Often used in glass, soaps, explosives, baking powder, tanning lotions, and especially in fertilizers. Critical to all living things.
Most obtained from potash and the minerals sulvite (potassium chloride), alurite, and carnalite. Orthoclase feldsppar is common. Mined in Russia, Canada, Germany, Israel, France, and the USA.
Element of the day (day 27)
#19) K-Potassium-] metal
Critical for life processes for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1807 by Sir Humphry Davy, England.A light, very soft, silvery-white metal. 7th most abundant element in the Earth's crust. Often used in glass, soaps, explosives, baking powder, tanning lotions, and especially in fertilizers. Critical to all living things.
Most obtained from potash and the minerals sulvite (potassium chloride), alurite, and carnalite. Orthoclase feldsppar is common. Mined in Russia, Canada, Germany, Israel, France, and the USA.
Monday, August 27, 2012
26* Aluminum
Element of the day (day 26)
#13) Al-Aluminum-]metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1825 by Hans Oersted, Denmark.A relatively soft, ductile and malleable silvery metal. The most common metal in the Earth's crust, but never found in pure form in nature. Hundreds of uses, from aircraft and vehicle parts, to building material, cans, wrapping foil and almost any where a lightweight metal is needed.
Chiefly obtained from bauxite ore, mined in Australia, Guinea, Jamaica, Brazil, and India. Other aluminum-bearing minerals include corundum (rubies and sapphires) and topaz.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
25* broken bones and other stuff
So I hurt my toe last week--cut it on a door and its been swollen and hurting for days but its not broken, and it got me thinking today how in 20 years of life Kenny never had a broken bone, never wore a cast or a splint or used crutches. I think he used an ace bandage for something once or maybe it was just that he wrapped his hands when he hit his punching bag. It's interesting to me how safe Kenny was until the end. I mean, wow!- walking into a train- that's dangerous!!! Definitely broke his streak of no broken bones...
I'm eating salt water taffy as I type this; one off Kenny's favorite treats. I made sure to buy extra vanilla and orange because Kenny liked those the most, I put them in the candy pot.
Well, I'm back home and I will sleep in Kenny's bed again. There's nothing like being in a place that is comfortable even though it is sad that it is my body in his bed instead of his own. I missed his room while I was away in the same way I miss him now that he is no longer home. I am feeling sad and wistful and I will go lay down now that the tears are flowing and my heart is hurting again.
~~ until tomorrow....
Element of the day (day 25)
#12) Mg-Magnesium-]metal
Essential for life to exist for plants.
Critical for life processes in animals.
Discovered in 1755 by Joseph Black Scotland.
Silvery-white, shiny metal. 8th most common element in the Earth's crust. One third lighter than aluminum and used in metal alloys to increase hardness. Other uses: drying agents, insulation in ovens & furnaces, stomach medicine, and laxatives.
Chiefly obtained by electrolysis of magnesium chloride and salt lakes' brines in the USA. Major minerals are dolomite, magnesite, and brucite. Mined in China, North Korea, Russia, Austria, Greece and the USA.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
24* running with shrimp
I've been out of town the last couple days and I've been thinking of Kenny a lot. Actually, I've been thinking of all my sons a lot. It always happens for me when I'm away from home. So many things remind me of them--I say things like Kenny would have like that one, and Vincent would like that one, and Jheremy would like that one. Went to a bakery where there were round cookies with yellow icing and a happy face made with black icing- that's the one Kenny would like, and went to a restaurant that had an aquarium with tropical fish. I remember many, many years ago there was a Chinese food restaurant close to the house that had a similar aquarium and Kenny would be transfixed with the fish- he would stare and stare. And I remember an embarrassing story about Kenny that happened at that restaurant. He was young, very young but old enough to walk around. We were waiting for our food at this restaurant and Kenny started to wander around after staring at the fish for a long time;he went to a table where people were eating and took a shrimp right off their plate, then ran around with it in his fat little hand! His father was highly embarrassed but luckily the people didn't get upset with him-after initially being taken by surprise, I think they laughed. Kenny was very,very cute at the time with his adorable smile and curly, curly hair so I think that was in his favor. It is one of those memories that come into my mind out of the blue and makes me laughs while shaking my head. One of those stories that I wouldn't dare tell if he were still here because I would want to avoid embarrassing him, although knowing Kenny I'm not sure he would be embarrassed- he might just run around being crazy or something,,and then I would REALLY LAUGH!!
Element of the day (day 24)
It is a soft, silvery-white, highly reactive metal and is a member of the alkali metals. The free metal does not occur in nature. Sodium is the 6th most abundant element in the Earth's crust and exists in numerous minerals such as feldspars, sodalite and rock salt.
Many sodium compounds are useful, such as sodium hydroxide (lye) for soapmaking and sodium chloride for use as a deicing agent and a nutrient (edible salt).
Element of the day (day 24)
#11) Na-Sodium-] metal
Critical for life processes for animals and plants.
Discovered in 1807 by Sir Humphry Davy, England.It is a soft, silvery-white, highly reactive metal and is a member of the alkali metals. The free metal does not occur in nature. Sodium is the 6th most abundant element in the Earth's crust and exists in numerous minerals such as feldspars, sodalite and rock salt.
Many sodium compounds are useful, such as sodium hydroxide (lye) for soapmaking and sodium chloride for use as a deicing agent and a nutrient (edible salt).
Friday, August 24, 2012
23* beach bum Kenny
There has been a lot going thru my mind lately, but now my mind is blank. I am away from home for a couple days and it feels weird. The thoughts that occur when I'm on the road disappear before I get them written anywhere. It's very frustrating. I hope I can remember.
>>> Random Topic <<<
~^~^~ the beach ~^~^~
One of Kenny's favorite places to be was the beach. For most of the first years of his life we lived in the San Fernando Valley which is fairly close to many beaches and I took my sons as often as I could.Actually in those days there were lots of times their dad came too.Naturally,there are many different kind of beach lovers. There are those people who enjoy looking at the ocean waves from afar; there are those who like to walk on the sand but not get dirty and brush off the sand immediately; there are those who like to get their feet wet but nothing else, who stay for a short time; and there are those like Kenny- he was the kind of beach lover who could stay at the beach all day.He'd go into the water as far as he could go> be wet from head to toe, dig in the sand, build in the sand, get buried in the sand-> he could spend hours running through the dunes-- didn't matter if it was sunny and warm or dark and cold, he loved to go to the beach. He was the only other true beach bum in my family.I have many pictures of Kenny on the beach. One of my favorites in on the refrigerator:he was around 10yrs old, he's sitting on the beach with his legs stretched out drying off with sandy sparkles all over himself>>his hair is golden and glistening hanging down to his neck and he has his very Kenny goofy smile- I love that picture of him.
Shortly after he got his driver's license we went on our first trip for the day in which he drove. It was something we did sometimes to get away...and the coast was always our destination. He already had his car (his gray Nissan Sentra which has been passed on to his brother Vincent). On this occasion our destination was Monterey. He drove all the way to Casa de Fruta and I remember how thrilled he was that he could drive fast on the highways.We did a lot that day--it was just the two of us and it was the only time we went to the beach when he drove.It was toasty hot in Fresno so the cool air in Monterey was a wonderful relief and we were both happy and relaxed. Somehow we were able to fit in going to the Monterey Aquarium, it was during the time when the seahorses were on display-I bought both of us key chains. His was an actual key;it looked like an old skeleton key, it was the first key chain he got for his car keys. I have mine on my house keys and whenever I see it I remember that very special day with Kenny. It was the last time we went to Casa de Fruta together (a family tradition),but even more important it was the last time we went to the beach together.It was one of our most favorite activities...I truly miss you beach bum Kenny!
Element of the day(day 23)
A soft silver-white shiny metal.Very light and has a high melting point. Used in alloys with nickel as a strong, structural material and with copper in electrical contacts.
Main minerals are beryl and betrandite. Beryl provides green emeralds and blue aqauramarine. Other berylium-bearing minerals include chrysoberyl, gadolimite, and gerderite. It is mined in the USA, China, Russia and Brazil.
>>> Random Topic <<<
~^~^~ the beach ~^~^~
One of Kenny's favorite places to be was the beach. For most of the first years of his life we lived in the San Fernando Valley which is fairly close to many beaches and I took my sons as often as I could.Actually in those days there were lots of times their dad came too.Naturally,there are many different kind of beach lovers. There are those people who enjoy looking at the ocean waves from afar; there are those who like to walk on the sand but not get dirty and brush off the sand immediately; there are those who like to get their feet wet but nothing else, who stay for a short time; and there are those like Kenny- he was the kind of beach lover who could stay at the beach all day.He'd go into the water as far as he could go> be wet from head to toe, dig in the sand, build in the sand, get buried in the sand-> he could spend hours running through the dunes-- didn't matter if it was sunny and warm or dark and cold, he loved to go to the beach. He was the only other true beach bum in my family.I have many pictures of Kenny on the beach. One of my favorites in on the refrigerator:he was around 10yrs old, he's sitting on the beach with his legs stretched out drying off with sandy sparkles all over himself>>his hair is golden and glistening hanging down to his neck and he has his very Kenny goofy smile- I love that picture of him.
Shortly after he got his driver's license we went on our first trip for the day in which he drove. It was something we did sometimes to get away...and the coast was always our destination. He already had his car (his gray Nissan Sentra which has been passed on to his brother Vincent). On this occasion our destination was Monterey. He drove all the way to Casa de Fruta and I remember how thrilled he was that he could drive fast on the highways.We did a lot that day--it was just the two of us and it was the only time we went to the beach when he drove.It was toasty hot in Fresno so the cool air in Monterey was a wonderful relief and we were both happy and relaxed. Somehow we were able to fit in going to the Monterey Aquarium, it was during the time when the seahorses were on display-I bought both of us key chains. His was an actual key;it looked like an old skeleton key, it was the first key chain he got for his car keys. I have mine on my house keys and whenever I see it I remember that very special day with Kenny. It was the last time we went to Casa de Fruta together (a family tradition),but even more important it was the last time we went to the beach together.It was one of our most favorite activities...I truly miss you beach bum Kenny!
Element of the day(day 23)
#4) Be-Berylium-] metal
Discovered in 1797 by Louis-Nicolas Vauquelin, France.A soft silver-white shiny metal.Very light and has a high melting point. Used in alloys with nickel as a strong, structural material and with copper in electrical contacts.
Main minerals are beryl and betrandite. Beryl provides green emeralds and blue aqauramarine. Other berylium-bearing minerals include chrysoberyl, gadolimite, and gerderite. It is mined in the USA, China, Russia and Brazil.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
22* Lithium
Element of the day (day 22)
#3) Li-Lithium-] metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1817 by Johan Arfvedson, Sweden.
A very soft, silvery-white metal. It is the lightest metal, will float on water. Combined with aluminum and magnesium to make light-weight alloys. Also used in lubricating greases, industrial dryers, air-conditioners, batteries, glass, and medicines.
Mined from pegmatites and recovered from the mineral spodumene;lake brines and playa evaporites also contain lithium; USA and Chile are important sources.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
21* pumpkin pie
---Random Topic---
-] PIE [-
I baked a Razzleberry pie today. If Kenny were here he wouldn't eat any of it. He wasn't very fond of most pies. Especially berry pies. I remember I was able to get him to try strawberry-rhubarb pie from the Chicken Pie Shop -> it is a pie that my grandma introduced me to because it was her favorite pie and it is also my favorite pie. Kenny tried it but he didn't like it very much and he never ate it again.
One kind of pie he liked was dutch apple pie. He was always willing to have a slice of dutch apple, maybe two slices at the most. But there was one pie he liked the most--homemade pumpkin pie,, well semi-homemade because I don't use fresh pumpkin pulp-I use canned pumpkin and add a few secret ingredients that my grandma taught me. I have to say I make a very good traditional pumpkin pie. Just as good as my grandma's, and hers were the best. That was Kenny's favorite pie and I've always made at least two pumpkin pies because he could easily eat an entire pie by himself in a couple of days. Sometimes he would hang out in the kitchen with me while I put them together. He knew the secret ingredients that went in the pumpkin mixture and on a few occasions he added them in while I stirred. I know I will think of Kenny with a smile every time I make pumpkin pie for the rest of my life. I think knowing it was his favorite will make pumpkin pie even more special to me. Fortunately,the night before he died he ate the last piece of pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving. I'm very glad he did; there is a small amount of consolation in knowing Kenny ate the last piece of the last pumpkin pie I made. I always liked to save him the last piece but he always wanted me to eat the last piece. It was kind of a thing between us when I baked something special.
Interestingly enough,, the week before he died he was able to try an actual homemade pumpkin pie with pulp pulled out of a pumpkin. His best friend made the pie and I recall Kenny was very excited to try it. It was a big deal to him and he was so happy to go over and try it with her and her family. He hung out late with his friends that night== I think it was his last happy night.
Element of the day (day 21)
#53) I-Iodine-] nonmetal solid
Critical for life processes in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1811 by Bernard Courtois, France.A shiny blue-black solid. Used as medicine and as a disinfectant. Silver iodine is used in photography and in cloud seeding. A nutrient additive to table salt. Like carbon, nitrogen and phosphorous, iodine cycles through the biosphere.
Minerals of iodine are rare. Primarily obtained from sea water, from fossil brine deposits, oil field brines, and seaweed. Japan produces most of the world's iodine. Chile and Russia are the number two and three producers.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
20* Katana Eclipse X
Today it has been 38 weeks without Kenny and I have to say time has not made it any easier. It has been a dreary, dreary time without him. Kind of how my blog has been...and I'm feeling dissatisfied with it actually. Although there have been some good memories mentioned.
I'm not sure in which direction this is going...how quickly the thoughts float out of my mind. I hear the words in my mind but they don't read the same as they sound to me.
~~~Random Topic~~~
Katana Eclipse X~~~~
So today I was supposed to turn the service off on Kenny's cell phone. It is called Katana Eclipse X and of course it is black,, with a clear acrylic cover. He wanted it clear so the black shown thru it. It was only the 2nd cell phone he ever owned and it was the same as his first, only a newer version. That's what Kenny wanted-it was exactly like him to stick with what he already had because he liked it. He was the same with people. If he liked you, if you were special to him in any way than he always liked you. And was the most loyal person I ever knew. He always put others needs and feelings before his own and as my son Jheremy put it he was 'selflessly fair' which was part of his wonderful character. I think in some way that may have added to his depression but it was always Kenny's way and was one his characteristics that made him so special. There were many times when I would think someone was treating him unfair and I would tell him that because Kenny just dealt with whatever was thrown at him and rarely said anything about it. Often when I would express my opinion Kenny would reply with a completely different outlook that was compassionate to the other person. Sometimes I was truly amazed with how forgiving of a person he was--much more than I have ever been. It is one of lessons I will take from him- how to be forgiving. With all that I have been through in my lifetime it is the perfect virtue for me to try to emulate.
I didn't make it to Sprint today; but something great happened. My friend was able to transfer all the pictures and contacts from Kenny's phone to mine. I am really happy about that because he had a picture of his friend Ariel from long ago and it is the only picture of her that I know of. Also he took random pictures of posters. One is a poster with a list of items not allowed somewhere--leave it to Kenny to take a picture of rules--who does that? It's quite amusing. But even better than that Kenny's contacts have random silly names and when I call or text someone that was already in my phone it comes up with the name Kenny had which is extremely fabulous and made me laugh.
Element of the day (day 20)
#52) Te-Tellurium-] nonmetal solid
Discovered in 1783 by Baron Franz Joseph Muller von Reichenstein, Romania. A metalloid element although it has a very metallic silvery-white appearance. It is very brittle and unreactive with water and some acids. Reacts with air. Used in semiconductors, electronics, ceramics and catalysts, especially in the petroleum industry, in alloys, especially with steel and copper to improve ductility and lead, to prevent corrosion.
Chiefly obtained as a by-product of copper processing. Minerals include tellurite and sylvanite.
I'm not sure in which direction this is going...how quickly the thoughts float out of my mind. I hear the words in my mind but they don't read the same as they sound to me.
~~~Random Topic~~~
Katana Eclipse X~~~~
So today I was supposed to turn the service off on Kenny's cell phone. It is called Katana Eclipse X and of course it is black,, with a clear acrylic cover. He wanted it clear so the black shown thru it. It was only the 2nd cell phone he ever owned and it was the same as his first, only a newer version. That's what Kenny wanted-it was exactly like him to stick with what he already had because he liked it. He was the same with people. If he liked you, if you were special to him in any way than he always liked you. And was the most loyal person I ever knew. He always put others needs and feelings before his own and as my son Jheremy put it he was 'selflessly fair' which was part of his wonderful character. I think in some way that may have added to his depression but it was always Kenny's way and was one his characteristics that made him so special. There were many times when I would think someone was treating him unfair and I would tell him that because Kenny just dealt with whatever was thrown at him and rarely said anything about it. Often when I would express my opinion Kenny would reply with a completely different outlook that was compassionate to the other person. Sometimes I was truly amazed with how forgiving of a person he was--much more than I have ever been. It is one of lessons I will take from him- how to be forgiving. With all that I have been through in my lifetime it is the perfect virtue for me to try to emulate.
I didn't make it to Sprint today; but something great happened. My friend was able to transfer all the pictures and contacts from Kenny's phone to mine. I am really happy about that because he had a picture of his friend Ariel from long ago and it is the only picture of her that I know of. Also he took random pictures of posters. One is a poster with a list of items not allowed somewhere--leave it to Kenny to take a picture of rules--who does that? It's quite amusing. But even better than that Kenny's contacts have random silly names and when I call or text someone that was already in my phone it comes up with the name Kenny had which is extremely fabulous and made me laugh.
Element of the day (day 20)
#52) Te-Tellurium-] nonmetal solid
Discovered in 1783 by Baron Franz Joseph Muller von Reichenstein, Romania. A metalloid element although it has a very metallic silvery-white appearance. It is very brittle and unreactive with water and some acids. Reacts with air. Used in semiconductors, electronics, ceramics and catalysts, especially in the petroleum industry, in alloys, especially with steel and copper to improve ductility and lead, to prevent corrosion.
Chiefly obtained as a by-product of copper processing. Minerals include tellurite and sylvanite.
Monday, August 20, 2012
19* Soon...
Life is changing fast,or at least faster than I want it to.Soon I will have to empty Kenny's room and move away from the home where my sons grew up and I have been for the past 12 years. Oddly enough the thought of leaving here feels like I'm truly leaving Kenny behind.This home,his room and his belongings are the only tangible connection left to my beloved son. And even though I knew this day was coming I still feel overwhelmed with all that lies ahead. Especially because I don't feel ready to go,,I don't feel ready to let go of my son...I don't think I will ever be ready
It's all so unpleasant
Element of the day (day 19)
#34) Se-Selenium-] nonmetal solid
Most obtained as a by-product of electrolytic refining of copper, and occurs in the rare minerals clausthalite and crooksite.
It's all so unpleasant
Element of the day (day 19)
#34) Se-Selenium-] nonmetal solid
Necessary for full health in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1817 by Jons Jakob Berzelius, Sweden. Can covert light to electricity. Consequently, used in photoelectric cells, light meter, TV cameras, photocopiers, solar cells and semi-conductors. Selenium can convert a.c. electric current to d.c. current. Selenium can remove color from glass or it can add a red color to it. Used in alloys, especially with steel, and is the active ingredient in dandruff-prevention shampoos. Selenium minerals are quite rare.Most obtained as a by-product of electrolytic refining of copper, and occurs in the rare minerals clausthalite and crooksite.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
18* bottlcaps
I've heard it said that not knowing is the hardest part, the hardest part of anything is what I suppose is meant to be said. However, I disagree--not knowing isn't hardest, knowing what you don't want to know is harder. Knowing something is true that you want with all your heart to not be true is harder than not knowing at all. Once something is done it can never be undone. It doesn't matter what it is. Some things can be fixed in one way or another, some things can be apologized for or forgiven but other things simply stay the way they are.
As in when someone dies. It's so final and all that goes with someone dying is also final. For me, there are many moments when my world is a lonely, lonely place. My life was never this lonely when Kenny was alive. Not only because of the relationship between us.It went far beyond the mother/son connection. In addition to that, in some unusual way Kenny gave me a sense of purpose. I spent the last five years of his life trying to keep him alive. I devoted a major amount of my energy to push him to keep going, trying to motivate him to not give up, and find value in his life. I quit my job, took him to therapy, spent night and day with him for most of a year to keep him safe and I thought it had worked. He started to participate in life again and it seemed that he was moving forward and was going to pull through those horrible teenage years but I was wrong. And all I hoped for was taken away...and all my beliefs were shattered into oblivion and worst of all I failed. That's the feeling that I can't escape: failure.
Not in the sense that I should have stopped him. He knew I would have stopped him if I had known, and that is how I failed him. I didn't know he was going to do it. Every other time he seriously thought about suicide I intervened--got in the way and did not let it happen. This time I was too busy being sick to be fully in tune with my son and he was able to plan his escape and execute it without me knowing he was doing it. He didn't even give me a hug goodbye. He always gave me a hug goodbye.
I remember our last hug. It was the day before he died. We were in the kitchen, I was nervous because I had an appointment for an MRI and didn't want to drive. Kenny had plans but offered to take me anyway and I was very grateful. It was a special hug, a tight hug that lasted at least a minute and I felt better after that. That was Kenny, always willing to help. I miss having that in my life; there is nobody else like him that I know. My thoughts and my words are not melding correcting. I can't seem to convey what I am feeling whether it be because my mind is jumbled or because of the misery I feel all over....I understand what Kenny felt. I just want to give up on everything sometimes too. Well, most of the time these days. It completely breaks my former motto:"never give up"...that is what I always told myself and Kenny too. That no longer seems to apply to my life because there is no longer anything that I really want.
I no longer have a purpose,,what am I supposed to do with my life now??? It isn't that Kenny was my only reason for living; however, Kenny gave me something to believe in-something to fight for. I wanted so much to see him make it in this world and I know he needed me in a way that my other sons don't need me. My oldest is very independent and lives far away--he's been gone for years and my youngest doesn't have a need for emotional closeness.Not to mention, somehow he manages to get what he wants nearly all the time. They are both wonderful in their own ways, all my boys are very special gifts but only Kenny needed me realistically. He was the reason I got my degree in Child and Family Science. I thought helping him meant I could help others but now it doesn't matter that I helped for awhile. Yes, he stayed around a few years longer, but in the end I didn't make any difference at all because I wasn't able to make him see how special he was and how he made the world a better place and if I couldn't do that for my own son, whom I loved so so much there is no way I can make a difference for anybody else. At least that's how I think of it now.
I'm all out of words for today...other than I hate life.
```Random Topic```
-...BOTTLE CAPS...-
Kenny had lots of little collections and I know it's not very uncommon to collect bottle caps; and Kenny was one of those people who collected bottle caps. He wasn't collecting for very long, maybe the last three years of his life. Every once in awhile he would bring one home from the railroad tracks. When he first began collecting he brought home the rusted or mangled caps that were too destroyed to read. Then one year he was with me at one of my aunt's block sales and someone was selling a bag of bottles caps and Kenny bought it. None of them were very special but he emptied out the bag at home and we looked through all of them. After that he saved the bottle caps from his favorite root beer and he would look for them in parking lots. Once he started attending city college he brought home new ones--like beer caps. And I started saving him caps whenever I found them or took them off bottles.It was fun sharing caps with him, sometimes we would laugh at the pictures or names of drinks.He liked all the root beer ones and anything he never saw before. He had a gold colored one that he thought was pretty cool and some with bikes that were from me. We would pick up whichever ones we found and I liked asking him if he found any new caps today. He didn't save the ones he had lots of, he would toss them away.
To this day, I save bottle caps for Kenny. Only the new ones that he didn't already have. I get lots of new ones when my oldest son, Jheremy visits because he drinks beers that I've never heard of. I keep all the caps separate since Kenny died than the ones he already had, but I still say "I'm saving this for Kenny". I don't know yet what I'm going to do with them but I guess I'll figure it out.
Element of the day (day 18)
#33) As-Arsenic (nonmetal solid)
Arsenic is stable, unaffected by air, water, most acids and alkalis. Has no liquid phase;the solid sublimes directly into a vapor. Has semiconductor properties and is used in making transistors. Also used in alloys, glass production, pyrotechnics, wood preservatives and as an agricultural chemical.
Occurs in many minerals. Obtained as a by-product from the processing and refining of enargite-bearing copper and gold ores, mainly from China, Chile, Russia, Mexico and the Phillippines.
As in when someone dies. It's so final and all that goes with someone dying is also final. For me, there are many moments when my world is a lonely, lonely place. My life was never this lonely when Kenny was alive. Not only because of the relationship between us.It went far beyond the mother/son connection. In addition to that, in some unusual way Kenny gave me a sense of purpose. I spent the last five years of his life trying to keep him alive. I devoted a major amount of my energy to push him to keep going, trying to motivate him to not give up, and find value in his life. I quit my job, took him to therapy, spent night and day with him for most of a year to keep him safe and I thought it had worked. He started to participate in life again and it seemed that he was moving forward and was going to pull through those horrible teenage years but I was wrong. And all I hoped for was taken away...and all my beliefs were shattered into oblivion and worst of all I failed. That's the feeling that I can't escape: failure.
Not in the sense that I should have stopped him. He knew I would have stopped him if I had known, and that is how I failed him. I didn't know he was going to do it. Every other time he seriously thought about suicide I intervened--got in the way and did not let it happen. This time I was too busy being sick to be fully in tune with my son and he was able to plan his escape and execute it without me knowing he was doing it. He didn't even give me a hug goodbye. He always gave me a hug goodbye.
I remember our last hug. It was the day before he died. We were in the kitchen, I was nervous because I had an appointment for an MRI and didn't want to drive. Kenny had plans but offered to take me anyway and I was very grateful. It was a special hug, a tight hug that lasted at least a minute and I felt better after that. That was Kenny, always willing to help. I miss having that in my life; there is nobody else like him that I know. My thoughts and my words are not melding correcting. I can't seem to convey what I am feeling whether it be because my mind is jumbled or because of the misery I feel all over....I understand what Kenny felt. I just want to give up on everything sometimes too. Well, most of the time these days. It completely breaks my former motto:"never give up"...that is what I always told myself and Kenny too. That no longer seems to apply to my life because there is no longer anything that I really want.
I no longer have a purpose,,what am I supposed to do with my life now??? It isn't that Kenny was my only reason for living; however, Kenny gave me something to believe in-something to fight for. I wanted so much to see him make it in this world and I know he needed me in a way that my other sons don't need me. My oldest is very independent and lives far away--he's been gone for years and my youngest doesn't have a need for emotional closeness.Not to mention, somehow he manages to get what he wants nearly all the time. They are both wonderful in their own ways, all my boys are very special gifts but only Kenny needed me realistically. He was the reason I got my degree in Child and Family Science. I thought helping him meant I could help others but now it doesn't matter that I helped for awhile. Yes, he stayed around a few years longer, but in the end I didn't make any difference at all because I wasn't able to make him see how special he was and how he made the world a better place and if I couldn't do that for my own son, whom I loved so so much there is no way I can make a difference for anybody else. At least that's how I think of it now.
I'm all out of words for today...other than I hate life.
```Random Topic```
-...BOTTLE CAPS...-
Kenny had lots of little collections and I know it's not very uncommon to collect bottle caps; and Kenny was one of those people who collected bottle caps. He wasn't collecting for very long, maybe the last three years of his life. Every once in awhile he would bring one home from the railroad tracks. When he first began collecting he brought home the rusted or mangled caps that were too destroyed to read. Then one year he was with me at one of my aunt's block sales and someone was selling a bag of bottles caps and Kenny bought it. None of them were very special but he emptied out the bag at home and we looked through all of them. After that he saved the bottle caps from his favorite root beer and he would look for them in parking lots. Once he started attending city college he brought home new ones--like beer caps. And I started saving him caps whenever I found them or took them off bottles.It was fun sharing caps with him, sometimes we would laugh at the pictures or names of drinks.He liked all the root beer ones and anything he never saw before. He had a gold colored one that he thought was pretty cool and some with bikes that were from me. We would pick up whichever ones we found and I liked asking him if he found any new caps today. He didn't save the ones he had lots of, he would toss them away.
To this day, I save bottle caps for Kenny. Only the new ones that he didn't already have. I get lots of new ones when my oldest son, Jheremy visits because he drinks beers that I've never heard of. I keep all the caps separate since Kenny died than the ones he already had, but I still say "I'm saving this for Kenny". I don't know yet what I'm going to do with them but I guess I'll figure it out.
Element of the day (day 18)
#33) As-Arsenic (nonmetal solid)
Necessary for full health in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1250 maybe by Albertus Magnus. Arsenic is stable, unaffected by air, water, most acids and alkalis. Has no liquid phase;the solid sublimes directly into a vapor. Has semiconductor properties and is used in making transistors. Also used in alloys, glass production, pyrotechnics, wood preservatives and as an agricultural chemical.
Occurs in many minerals. Obtained as a by-product from the processing and refining of enargite-bearing copper and gold ores, mainly from China, Chile, Russia, Mexico and the Phillippines.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
17*
Element of the day (day 17)
#16) S- Sulfar (nonmetal solid)
Essential for life to exist for plants and animals.
Discovered in Antiquity. A non-metallic bright yellow solid. It is the brimstone mentioned in the Bible. Occurs in many forms. One of the most important and heavily used chemical elements in the world. Major uses in agriculture to help grow food. 90% used as sulfuric acid.
From deposits in oil-producing regions in Louisiana, Texas, Canada and Mexico. Also near volcanoes and hot springs. Common minerals are native sulfur anhydrite, barite, chalcocite, chalcopyrite, cinnabar, galena kieserite, gypsum, sphalaerite, and stibnite.
Friday, August 17, 2012
16* Kenny's glasses
Yesterday I was full of thoughts and emotions and today I am flat and quiet. Isn't it just one of life's tricks the way everything can feel different from one day to the next?
--Kenny's glasses--
The thing about Kenny's glasses is that they were an integral part of Kenny's appearance. He started wearing them regularly when he started driving although he had them for years before then. Interestingly, he was a natural for glasses. They looked like they belonged on him. He had more of a 'Kenny look' with the glasses than without. The glasses he was wearing when he died weren't his favorite. I should have thought more of it when he came home with those frames a couple months before he left this Earth for good. He must have already given up....
Sometime last summer Kenny broke his favorite glasses ever; they were rectangular shaped Ray-Bans with a black shell like frame with a few miniscule swirls of grey in random spaces. Now Kenny wasn't the kind of person to be swayed by name brands, he couldn't care less; but he really liked those frames. To the point that when one of the temples broke off he continued to wear the glasses for months with only one temple on the left side to hold on to his ear. After me nagging him for far too long, he finally went to replace his frames in early November. I was expecting him to come home with the same frames- because Kenny practically always stuck to what he liked and I knew he REALLY liked those frames. But he didn't come home with the same frames, he came home with very simple thin black frames in the same shape. He didn't like them at all, in fact he was upset with me for pushing him to replace them. I knew he could afford the Ray-Ban frames but when I asked him why he didn't get the same ones, he said they were too expensive. It was a sign. A sign I ignored or didn't catch or something. I should have known. I mean Kenny never made a big deal about things but I could tell he didn't like the new glasses but at the same time didn't care.
I don't know what happened to his favorite frames. I haven't been able to find them in his room anywhere. I guess the store kept them when he replaced them.
Anyway......
I walked ahead of the others on the R/R tracks. All the way I went to place where he would have started walking. I walked in the middle of the far track because that's the direction his father said he had been walking. I walked in between the rails from one track to the other for twenty minutes with my head straight down the entire time. Hoping, praying and crying, talking to Kenny ...and there they were. Kenny's glasses with the lens blown out of course. The simple black frames were in the middle of the tracks, one of the temples was a little twisted but they were completely intact. I was grateful that I found them because it was like getting a piece of Kenny back. A piece that meant so much to me. Sadly enough when Kenny went to get those frames, it was the first time I didn't go with him. I don't know if that made any impact on him; having to do those things alone. I offered to go, but he said no because I wasn't feeling well. I knew he could do fine on his own but I wonder if it got him to thinking about being alone, and having to do things alone.
I don't know, it may never have entered his mind. I do know if I had been there I would have persuaded him to get the glasses he really wanted and he would have done it too. Probably rolling his eyes and smirking at the same time with a good feeling inside his heart. Nowadays the simple black frames are perched on the picture frame of a magnificent computer drawing of Kenny done by one of Vincent's friends. Before that they were next to Kenny's senior picture. His glasses are here in his home where they belong...it was the last physical gift Kenny ever gave me. I know he heard me asking and led me to them. Thank you Kenny...I will always love you.
Element of the day (day 16)
#15) P-Phosphorus (nonmetal solid)
A nonmetal element. Essential to life, the single greatest use in fertilizers. Used in insecticides, fireworks, baking powder, chinaware, glass, water softeners, soft drinks, pharmaceuticals, and metal treatments.
Main minerals are apatite and fluorapatite. Mined mostly in USA (Florida), Kazakhstan, China, Morocco, and Tunisia. Other minerals are phosphophylite, turquoise, and vivianite.
--Kenny's glasses--
The thing about Kenny's glasses is that they were an integral part of Kenny's appearance. He started wearing them regularly when he started driving although he had them for years before then. Interestingly, he was a natural for glasses. They looked like they belonged on him. He had more of a 'Kenny look' with the glasses than without. The glasses he was wearing when he died weren't his favorite. I should have thought more of it when he came home with those frames a couple months before he left this Earth for good. He must have already given up....
Sometime last summer Kenny broke his favorite glasses ever; they were rectangular shaped Ray-Bans with a black shell like frame with a few miniscule swirls of grey in random spaces. Now Kenny wasn't the kind of person to be swayed by name brands, he couldn't care less; but he really liked those frames. To the point that when one of the temples broke off he continued to wear the glasses for months with only one temple on the left side to hold on to his ear. After me nagging him for far too long, he finally went to replace his frames in early November. I was expecting him to come home with the same frames- because Kenny practically always stuck to what he liked and I knew he REALLY liked those frames. But he didn't come home with the same frames, he came home with very simple thin black frames in the same shape. He didn't like them at all, in fact he was upset with me for pushing him to replace them. I knew he could afford the Ray-Ban frames but when I asked him why he didn't get the same ones, he said they were too expensive. It was a sign. A sign I ignored or didn't catch or something. I should have known. I mean Kenny never made a big deal about things but I could tell he didn't like the new glasses but at the same time didn't care.
I don't know what happened to his favorite frames. I haven't been able to find them in his room anywhere. I guess the store kept them when he replaced them.
Anyway......
I walked ahead of the others on the R/R tracks. All the way I went to place where he would have started walking. I walked in the middle of the far track because that's the direction his father said he had been walking. I walked in between the rails from one track to the other for twenty minutes with my head straight down the entire time. Hoping, praying and crying, talking to Kenny ...and there they were. Kenny's glasses with the lens blown out of course. The simple black frames were in the middle of the tracks, one of the temples was a little twisted but they were completely intact. I was grateful that I found them because it was like getting a piece of Kenny back. A piece that meant so much to me. Sadly enough when Kenny went to get those frames, it was the first time I didn't go with him. I don't know if that made any impact on him; having to do those things alone. I offered to go, but he said no because I wasn't feeling well. I knew he could do fine on his own but I wonder if it got him to thinking about being alone, and having to do things alone.
I don't know, it may never have entered his mind. I do know if I had been there I would have persuaded him to get the glasses he really wanted and he would have done it too. Probably rolling his eyes and smirking at the same time with a good feeling inside his heart. Nowadays the simple black frames are perched on the picture frame of a magnificent computer drawing of Kenny done by one of Vincent's friends. Before that they were next to Kenny's senior picture. His glasses are here in his home where they belong...it was the last physical gift Kenny ever gave me. I know he heard me asking and led me to them. Thank you Kenny...I will always love you.
Element of the day (day 16)
#15) P-Phosphorus (nonmetal solid)
Essential for life to exist in plants and animals.
Discovered in 1669 by Henning Brandt, Germany.A nonmetal element. Essential to life, the single greatest use in fertilizers. Used in insecticides, fireworks, baking powder, chinaware, glass, water softeners, soft drinks, pharmaceuticals, and metal treatments.
Main minerals are apatite and fluorapatite. Mined mostly in USA (Florida), Kazakhstan, China, Morocco, and Tunisia. Other minerals are phosphophylite, turquoise, and vivianite.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
15* the end
HELLOOO Anybody out there????
I feel so alone with my feelings....I wish there was someone out there who could understand my pain, there is not comfort or escape from this heartache that keeps me prisoner. The tears never stop---I cry in stores, while I'm driving, sitting on the couch or laying in bed, when I clean, when I see his room, on and on. Sometimes I get so angry with myself for crying all the time, I think over and over 'when are the tears going to stop?'
On a side note, slinkys seem to be suddenly appearing everywhere. I found a yellow plastic medium sized slinky in the kitchen next to the phone today, I don't remember ever seeing it before...kinda strange, ha-ha Kenny....hmm hmm hmm hmm
So, about Kenny's glasses. This is a good story.
As I was saying...I kept saying over and over to mi mama and my sister-n-law that I wanted to find Kenny's glasses. I thought we would get Kenny's shoes, hat and clothing back from the coroner's office, which never happened but I knew they hadn't found Kenny's glasses. I knew with all my being that Kenny's glasses were at the railroad tracks and I felt very strongly I could find them. I kept asking Kenny over and over again in my mind 'Please let me find your glasses'.
------------****
I'm sitting here on Kenny's bed with my knees folded, rocking back-n-forth having random thoughts; and one comes to me-- a reason why Kenny's death is so horrible to me: It's because its the end=The end to everything with Kenny. Its the end of his body because it was torn apart by the train and then he was cremated-] It's the end of me hearing his voice and having him say to me "have fun, mom" whenever I told him I was doing anything-] It's the end of us eating a meal together or having him keep me company while I am baking something-] It's the end of him loving my pancakes-] the end of hugs-] the end of hearing him say "I love you".
There are no more tomorrows for Kenny; no more plans for the future; no more chances; no more 2nd chances; and no more hope that one day life will get better. It's the end-]the end of his life as Kenny. And the end of my life with Kenny. --------------------***
My sister-n-law drove 'mi mama' and me to the street behind the railroad tracks. We walked all the way back to the place where Kenny would have started walking...to be continued
Element of the day (day 15)
#14) Si-Silicon (nonmetal solid)
Necessary for full health for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1824 by Jons Jakob Berzelius, Sweden.
A shiny, blue-gray metallic substance. Second-most common element in the Earth's crust. Pure silicon is never found in nature. A very useful element. Used in metal alloys, plastics, lubricants and glass making. An excellent semi-conductor and insulator extensively used in integrated circuits and other electrical components, in enamels, pottery, lasers and solar cells.
Hundreds of silicon-bearing minerals, but chiefly obtained from quartz, the most common mineral on Earth.
I feel so alone with my feelings....I wish there was someone out there who could understand my pain, there is not comfort or escape from this heartache that keeps me prisoner. The tears never stop---I cry in stores, while I'm driving, sitting on the couch or laying in bed, when I clean, when I see his room, on and on. Sometimes I get so angry with myself for crying all the time, I think over and over 'when are the tears going to stop?'
On a side note, slinkys seem to be suddenly appearing everywhere. I found a yellow plastic medium sized slinky in the kitchen next to the phone today, I don't remember ever seeing it before...kinda strange, ha-ha Kenny....hmm hmm hmm hmm
So, about Kenny's glasses. This is a good story.
As I was saying...I kept saying over and over to mi mama and my sister-n-law that I wanted to find Kenny's glasses. I thought we would get Kenny's shoes, hat and clothing back from the coroner's office, which never happened but I knew they hadn't found Kenny's glasses. I knew with all my being that Kenny's glasses were at the railroad tracks and I felt very strongly I could find them. I kept asking Kenny over and over again in my mind 'Please let me find your glasses'.
------------****
I'm sitting here on Kenny's bed with my knees folded, rocking back-n-forth having random thoughts; and one comes to me-- a reason why Kenny's death is so horrible to me: It's because its the end=The end to everything with Kenny. Its the end of his body because it was torn apart by the train and then he was cremated-] It's the end of me hearing his voice and having him say to me "have fun, mom" whenever I told him I was doing anything-] It's the end of us eating a meal together or having him keep me company while I am baking something-] It's the end of him loving my pancakes-] the end of hugs-] the end of hearing him say "I love you".
There are no more tomorrows for Kenny; no more plans for the future; no more chances; no more 2nd chances; and no more hope that one day life will get better. It's the end-]the end of his life as Kenny. And the end of my life with Kenny. --------------------***
My sister-n-law drove 'mi mama' and me to the street behind the railroad tracks. We walked all the way back to the place where Kenny would have started walking...to be continued
Element of the day (day 15)
#14) Si-Silicon (nonmetal solid)
Necessary for full health for plants and animals.
Discovered in 1824 by Jons Jakob Berzelius, Sweden.
A shiny, blue-gray metallic substance. Second-most common element in the Earth's crust. Pure silicon is never found in nature. A very useful element. Used in metal alloys, plastics, lubricants and glass making. An excellent semi-conductor and insulator extensively used in integrated circuits and other electrical components, in enamels, pottery, lasers and solar cells.
Hundreds of silicon-bearing minerals, but chiefly obtained from quartz, the most common mineral on Earth.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
14* the rest of the day
The rest of the day...(cont. from 13 part 2)
Vincent was at the front door just as I was getting ready to leave, it must have been 20 minutes later. Grimly, he told me I didn't have to leave and took me to the couch. He said there was someone coming to talk to me. He stayed with me in the living room but was quiet. Approximately 10 minutes later a peace officer came over and told me that someone had been hit by a train. The officer came to get Kenny's i.d. because Vincent said he thought it was his brother. I took Kenny's driver's license from his wallet and handed it to the officer; it would be days and days before I would get it returned. While we waited, I paced across the lawn in the front yard until Vincent walked me over to the porch step.I left a trail of tracks in the grass. We continued to wait for what seemed like hours; eventually I called 'mi mama', she was at work. She did not want to believe it was Kenny and told me to call her when we knew for sure. It was an agonizing wait--I paced, I cried, I was completely restless and unable to think clearly.
-------As I'm typing this I feel like I'm losing my mind. It is no different than the very day it happened,, the feeling of loss is as intense as those many months ago and the reality is the same- Kenny will never come home again.----
The officer took forever to return--the Chaplin made it the house before him. I was standing in the driveway leaning against the trunk of Kenny's car facing the street. The Chaplain made the mistake of coming over to us. I told him we were waiting for the officer to return and he went and sat in his van but I knew then that it was Kenny over at the R/R tracks. The officer came with reinforcements-the coroner and two officers and a sheriff. The second they confirmed it was Kenny I said I wanted to see him. Everyone said "no" at the same time but I started running while trembling and crying down the sidewalk toward the tracks. Immediately I was stopped by many people at once. And then I fell apart. I felt bombarded with questions and talking all around me.
When we got into the house it was me, Vincent, the Chaplin and the original officer.There was so much noise around me and I couldn't make any sense out of what was being said to me. I remember calling my mom and that she came right over. I remember Vincent going into the den to call his father. In two minutes he was at the house...I was back on the step waiting for my mom. The boy's father screeched to a stop in front of the house, I think he left the car running. He rushed past me, I walked into the house-he walked into Kenny's room, closed the door and a few seconds later he stormed out of the house and drove away. Soon after he returned and spoke to the officer and left again.
Later, I found out he went immediately to the tracks and spoke with the investigator who was at the scene. I kept asking to go,, but everybody was stopping me. Finally when mi mama heard that my boy's father was there she and my sister-n-law drove me to where it happened. A couple hours must have passed by then and the authorities had left the house. They weren't helpful at all about giving me information about Kenny or what happened to his stuff. He was wearing a hat, and his glasses and his jacket.
When we got to the R/R tracks the scene was completely cleared--no sign of Kenny what-so-ever. I was extremely upset!! I felt like everyone was trying to keep him from me. He had been taken to the morgue and I never even got to see him--I didn't at all want to believe what had happened. I couldn't truly wrap my mind around it. All the while I was asking about Kenny's things I kept saying I wanted to get Kenny's glasses. According to the coroner and officer the glasses had not been recovered. I knew I had to find them--I literally asked Kenny over and over to let me find his glasses.
----I've been typing for about half the day,, in between all the crying breaks. I am nauseous to the pit of my stomach and entirely emotionally wiped out!!! It almost feels pointless to go over the details because it can not change anything...I am beginning to doubt more and more that I will ever feel better.--- Until tomorrow...to be continued once again
Element of the day (day 14)
#6) C-Carbon (nonmetal solid): Essential for life to exist for plants and animals
Discovered in Antiquity.
Present in all carbonate mineral that form limestone and dolomite, pure carbon minerals are graphite and diamonds. used in steel making, sugar refining, water purification and treatment. Diamonds used in jewelry and many cutting applications. The basis for our fossil fuels- coal, petroleum, natural gas.
Graphite mined in Korea, India, Sri Lanka, Madagascar. Diamonds mined in Australia, Zaire, Russia, Botswana, South Africa, Canada.
Vincent was at the front door just as I was getting ready to leave, it must have been 20 minutes later. Grimly, he told me I didn't have to leave and took me to the couch. He said there was someone coming to talk to me. He stayed with me in the living room but was quiet. Approximately 10 minutes later a peace officer came over and told me that someone had been hit by a train. The officer came to get Kenny's i.d. because Vincent said he thought it was his brother. I took Kenny's driver's license from his wallet and handed it to the officer; it would be days and days before I would get it returned. While we waited, I paced across the lawn in the front yard until Vincent walked me over to the porch step.I left a trail of tracks in the grass. We continued to wait for what seemed like hours; eventually I called 'mi mama', she was at work. She did not want to believe it was Kenny and told me to call her when we knew for sure. It was an agonizing wait--I paced, I cried, I was completely restless and unable to think clearly.
-------As I'm typing this I feel like I'm losing my mind. It is no different than the very day it happened,, the feeling of loss is as intense as those many months ago and the reality is the same- Kenny will never come home again.----
The officer took forever to return--the Chaplin made it the house before him. I was standing in the driveway leaning against the trunk of Kenny's car facing the street. The Chaplain made the mistake of coming over to us. I told him we were waiting for the officer to return and he went and sat in his van but I knew then that it was Kenny over at the R/R tracks. The officer came with reinforcements-the coroner and two officers and a sheriff. The second they confirmed it was Kenny I said I wanted to see him. Everyone said "no" at the same time but I started running while trembling and crying down the sidewalk toward the tracks. Immediately I was stopped by many people at once. And then I fell apart. I felt bombarded with questions and talking all around me.
When we got into the house it was me, Vincent, the Chaplin and the original officer.There was so much noise around me and I couldn't make any sense out of what was being said to me. I remember calling my mom and that she came right over. I remember Vincent going into the den to call his father. In two minutes he was at the house...I was back on the step waiting for my mom. The boy's father screeched to a stop in front of the house, I think he left the car running. He rushed past me, I walked into the house-he walked into Kenny's room, closed the door and a few seconds later he stormed out of the house and drove away. Soon after he returned and spoke to the officer and left again.
Later, I found out he went immediately to the tracks and spoke with the investigator who was at the scene. I kept asking to go,, but everybody was stopping me. Finally when mi mama heard that my boy's father was there she and my sister-n-law drove me to where it happened. A couple hours must have passed by then and the authorities had left the house. They weren't helpful at all about giving me information about Kenny or what happened to his stuff. He was wearing a hat, and his glasses and his jacket.
When we got to the R/R tracks the scene was completely cleared--no sign of Kenny what-so-ever. I was extremely upset!! I felt like everyone was trying to keep him from me. He had been taken to the morgue and I never even got to see him--I didn't at all want to believe what had happened. I couldn't truly wrap my mind around it. All the while I was asking about Kenny's things I kept saying I wanted to get Kenny's glasses. According to the coroner and officer the glasses had not been recovered. I knew I had to find them--I literally asked Kenny over and over to let me find his glasses.
----I've been typing for about half the day,, in between all the crying breaks. I am nauseous to the pit of my stomach and entirely emotionally wiped out!!! It almost feels pointless to go over the details because it can not change anything...I am beginning to doubt more and more that I will ever feel better.--- Until tomorrow...to be continued once again
Element of the day (day 14)
#6) C-Carbon (nonmetal solid): Essential for life to exist for plants and animals
Discovered in Antiquity.
Present in all carbonate mineral that form limestone and dolomite, pure carbon minerals are graphite and diamonds. used in steel making, sugar refining, water purification and treatment. Diamonds used in jewelry and many cutting applications. The basis for our fossil fuels- coal, petroleum, natural gas.
Graphite mined in Korea, India, Sri Lanka, Madagascar. Diamonds mined in Australia, Zaire, Russia, Botswana, South Africa, Canada.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
13*- (part 2) The day it happened
The day it happened
Kenny had been gone about 20 minutes when I looked out the window and noticed his car was still in the driveway. I wondered about it, but remembering he had taken a dollar the thought occurred to me it was possible he had taken the bus. I sent him a text but got no reply. About ten minutes later I called his phone and heard it ringing in his room. Vincent went to his room and brought me Kenny's phone; then Vincent returned to Kenny's room and came back and told me that Kenny's keys, wallet and backpack were still in Kenny's room. That's the moment I was sure something was wrong and I began to panic.
Vincent got dressed and left the house immediately not saying where he was going, only that he'd be back. I also got dressed and began looking through Kenny's backpack to find out where his class was located in case he had gone to school.
---------------------------
its 6:30 pm--> I've been trying all day to get thru this story but I just can't seem to do it. My heart is splitting apart reliving that day. I know it is crucial for my recovery to be able to retell what happened on 'crisis' day in order to fully heal and move forward with this life that I am no longer living. I am here day after day, most of the time not wanting to be here, not wanting to live my life without my precious son because he is not living anymore. It is incomprehensible--even to myself,, I don't know why or what is happening. I can't get thru this today.
Here is a poem mi mama shared with me:
You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it.
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown
-- my feelings exactly
Kenny had been gone about 20 minutes when I looked out the window and noticed his car was still in the driveway. I wondered about it, but remembering he had taken a dollar the thought occurred to me it was possible he had taken the bus. I sent him a text but got no reply. About ten minutes later I called his phone and heard it ringing in his room. Vincent went to his room and brought me Kenny's phone; then Vincent returned to Kenny's room and came back and told me that Kenny's keys, wallet and backpack were still in Kenny's room. That's the moment I was sure something was wrong and I began to panic.
Vincent got dressed and left the house immediately not saying where he was going, only that he'd be back. I also got dressed and began looking through Kenny's backpack to find out where his class was located in case he had gone to school.
---------------------------
its 6:30 pm--> I've been trying all day to get thru this story but I just can't seem to do it. My heart is splitting apart reliving that day. I know it is crucial for my recovery to be able to retell what happened on 'crisis' day in order to fully heal and move forward with this life that I am no longer living. I am here day after day, most of the time not wanting to be here, not wanting to live my life without my precious son because he is not living anymore. It is incomprehensible--even to myself,, I don't know why or what is happening. I can't get thru this today.
Here is a poem mi mama shared with me:
You never said you're leaving
You never said goodbye
You were gone before I knew it.
And only God knew why.
A million times I needed you,
A million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly
In death I love you still
In my heart you hold a place
That nobody could ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you,
But you didn't go alone
For part of me went with you,
The day God took you home.
~Unknown
-- my feelings exactly
13* Tuesday
Today is Tuesday, it is the day of the week I wish would never come.The day of the week that Kenny died. I stopped counting the weeks after 30something weeks passed, around that time I stopped keeping track of time all together. Some days I awake and am surprised that it is summer.Although there have been many events and happenings sometimes it feels like no time has passed at all. There are days when I have no idea the month or the day or the date. A part of my mind is still in another time. Stuck in a time that no longer exists.There are mornings I awake and I think life is what it used to be and then I see the reminders that Kenny is gone and the agonizing pain paralyzes me again. No one can come close to comprehending the pain-> that saying is bitterly true. It's the kind of pain that hits me from nowhere, no warning what-so-ever and knocks me to my feet. I double over and wail for minutes at a time with blurriness surrounding me and I have to rock back and forth to keep myself from going crazy.That can go on for hours, and has on many,many days since that horrible day that Kenny left us.
I remember that day so well--the last burnt images in my brain. The last full day I remember. The day it happened. Tuesday, November 29,2011. Kenny slept in till 10am because his classes started at 1pm. I checked in on him around 9am (as was my habit, quietly opening his door, peeking in his room to see if he was still in bed sleeping. I did that on most days because I used to wake up much earlier than him. Shortly after he awoke, he came into the kitchen. He sat in his usual chair, the one closest to the hutch. He was a little hungry and he ate cereal; possibly Honey Bunches of Oats-that was his favorite but I'm not entirely sure. I recall, later thinking "cereal was his last meal, what a lousy last meal" and "at least he ate the last piece of pumpkin pie last night". A person can have really strange thoughts during a traumatic episode. I call the day of and surrounding days of Kenny's suicide "the Crisis'. Anyway as he ate cereal I urged him to have something else, I think I got him to add trail mix to it ( I always felt guilty when he ate only cereal before school). I drank coffee and we talked like every other morning. He said he didn't want to go to school, it was getting close to the end of the semester so I asked if he would miss anything important. He said no, so I said he should stay home. I thought that was his plan-to take the day off and hang at home. That would have been so much better that him leaving. After he ate, he went to his room where his brother, Vincent joined him. They were playing a video game or watching videos on his laptop, a typical activity before school.
I wasn't feeling well so I was sitting on the couch and was surprised when Kenny came into the living room fully dressed with his hat and sweat jacket on. He asked for a dollar, which he sometimes did when he took the bus instead of driving. There were days when he didn't want to deal with the parking, so perfectly understandable! I mentioned that I thought he was staying home and he mumbled he'd changed his mind- hmmm... I wonder why. Well that's something I haven't thought about. Too late now. So he hurriedly went to the door without giving me a hug. I noticed he didn't have his backpack on and I said "Hey kiddo, what about your backpack?" He was in between the wood door and the screen door, one half-opened and one half-closed. He gave me an unusual grin, not quite a smile but not quite a smirk either, and said "Goodbye mom" and closed both doors. He was gone quick as a flash. Those were the last words he ever said to me.
to be continued.............too many tears to write
Element of the day (day 13)
#5) B-Boron (nonmetal solid): Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals
Discovered in 1808 by Joseph-Louis Gay-Lussac & L.J Thenard, France & Sir Humphry Davy, England. A rare nonmetal element. Used extensively in fire-retardants, soaps and detergents, soldering and welding, in making glass, flares and fireworks, cosmetics, plastics, paints, fertilizers, adhesives, and numerous other uses.
Chiefly found in evaporate minerals, such as ulexite and kernite, mined in the USA, Chile and Argentina, and colemanite, mined in Turkey and the USA. Other boron-bearing minerals include borax, and datorlite.
I remember that day so well--the last burnt images in my brain. The last full day I remember. The day it happened. Tuesday, November 29,2011. Kenny slept in till 10am because his classes started at 1pm. I checked in on him around 9am (as was my habit, quietly opening his door, peeking in his room to see if he was still in bed sleeping. I did that on most days because I used to wake up much earlier than him. Shortly after he awoke, he came into the kitchen. He sat in his usual chair, the one closest to the hutch. He was a little hungry and he ate cereal; possibly Honey Bunches of Oats-that was his favorite but I'm not entirely sure. I recall, later thinking "cereal was his last meal, what a lousy last meal" and "at least he ate the last piece of pumpkin pie last night". A person can have really strange thoughts during a traumatic episode. I call the day of and surrounding days of Kenny's suicide "the Crisis'. Anyway as he ate cereal I urged him to have something else, I think I got him to add trail mix to it ( I always felt guilty when he ate only cereal before school). I drank coffee and we talked like every other morning. He said he didn't want to go to school, it was getting close to the end of the semester so I asked if he would miss anything important. He said no, so I said he should stay home. I thought that was his plan-to take the day off and hang at home. That would have been so much better that him leaving. After he ate, he went to his room where his brother, Vincent joined him. They were playing a video game or watching videos on his laptop, a typical activity before school.
I wasn't feeling well so I was sitting on the couch and was surprised when Kenny came into the living room fully dressed with his hat and sweat jacket on. He asked for a dollar, which he sometimes did when he took the bus instead of driving. There were days when he didn't want to deal with the parking, so perfectly understandable! I mentioned that I thought he was staying home and he mumbled he'd changed his mind- hmmm... I wonder why. Well that's something I haven't thought about. Too late now. So he hurriedly went to the door without giving me a hug. I noticed he didn't have his backpack on and I said "Hey kiddo, what about your backpack?" He was in between the wood door and the screen door, one half-opened and one half-closed. He gave me an unusual grin, not quite a smile but not quite a smirk either, and said "Goodbye mom" and closed both doors. He was gone quick as a flash. Those were the last words he ever said to me.
to be continued.............too many tears to write
Element of the day (day 13)
#5) B-Boron (nonmetal solid): Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants and animals
Discovered in 1808 by Joseph-Louis Gay-Lussac & L.J Thenard, France & Sir Humphry Davy, England. A rare nonmetal element. Used extensively in fire-retardants, soaps and detergents, soldering and welding, in making glass, flares and fireworks, cosmetics, plastics, paints, fertilizers, adhesives, and numerous other uses.
Chiefly found in evaporate minerals, such as ulexite and kernite, mined in the USA, Chile and Argentina, and colemanite, mined in Turkey and the USA. Other boron-bearing minerals include borax, and datorlite.
Monday, August 13, 2012
12* Xenon
I found Kenny's mini gold slinky yesterday....that was odd
Element of the day (day 12)
#54) Xe-Xenon
Discovered in 1898 by Sir William Ramsay and Morris Travers, England.
Unreactive towards most other substances. It does react naturally with fluorine and it can be made to react with other compounds. Used in strobe lights, lasers and has various applications in nuclear energy research, especially radiation detection equipment. Xenon was the fuel used in the ion engine of NASA's Deep Space One probe.
There are no xenon-bearing minerals. It is obtained from liquefying air.
Element of the day (day 12)
#54) Xe-Xenon
Discovered in 1898 by Sir William Ramsay and Morris Travers, England.
Unreactive towards most other substances. It does react naturally with fluorine and it can be made to react with other compounds. Used in strobe lights, lasers and has various applications in nuclear energy research, especially radiation detection equipment. Xenon was the fuel used in the ion engine of NASA's Deep Space One probe.
There are no xenon-bearing minerals. It is obtained from liquefying air.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
11*
TOTAL and COMPLETE SADNESS....
the train sounds louder and closer than ever---->>
drowns out all my thoughts
Element of the day (day 11)
A heavy, colorless and odorless gas. Has only a few uses. it is sometimes used with argon in lighting fixtures and in flash lamps for high-speed photography. A characteristic of krypton's spectral light defines the length of a meter, the international unit of length.
There are no krypton-bearing minerals. It is obtained from liquefying air, where it occurs about 1 part per million.
the train sounds louder and closer than ever---->>
drowns out all my thoughts
Element of the day (day 11)
#36) Kr-Krypton-] gas
Discovered in 1898 by Sir William Ramsay and Morris Travers, England.A heavy, colorless and odorless gas. Has only a few uses. it is sometimes used with argon in lighting fixtures and in flash lamps for high-speed photography. A characteristic of krypton's spectral light defines the length of a meter, the international unit of length.
There are no krypton-bearing minerals. It is obtained from liquefying air, where it occurs about 1 part per million.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
10* Cal Wok; candy pot; light-bulbs
It's been a long time since we (the family) has had to tell anyone the news of Kenny's death. After all, it happened 8months ago. Well, today was one of those days. My youngest son, Vincent and I went to Cal Wok, a local eatery. It was one of the places we got a lot of take out from; most of the time Kenny would call in the order and go pick it up.
I remember one day Kenny said "the girl who took my order knew who I was"- it got to the point that one of workers recognized his voice and the almost identical order. Anyway, today we decided to eat inside. The waitress came over, and looking at Vincent said "I haven't seen you're brother in awhile"...then Vincent, in his most gentle of manners said "Uh yea, about that...he died". The girl looked shocked, then gave me a glance and I nodded my head. Naturally then she apologized, I was wiping tears the rest of the time we were there. When we were done eating she came over and said she was taking care of the bill. With tears in her eyes she said Kenny was one of her regulars and that she knew his voice and his order, and though she didn't "really" know him she was sorry to hear he is gone.
After we got home, I cried myself to sleep on Kenny's pillow. Next time we get food from Cal Wok I'm going to order the meatball sandwich- that was Kenny's most common order. For months I avoided that place because it was one of those places we went to together, like the $ Tree or Savemart. Kenny and I ran a lot of typical errands together, it gave us a time to talk about whatever and getting boring necessities was much more fun with Kenny.
~~ Random Topic~~
The Candy Pot--]
Years ago mi mama (my mom, as I call her) bought me a traditional clay Mexican pot with the single handle on each side and the lid that comes off the top. When she gave it to me, I was warned not to use it to cook in or hold food- as it is not safe. So I started to store candy in it after Halloween one year. The boys discovered the candy and before I knew it the candy was gone. Every once in awhile I'd put some more in it, and that too would get eaten.
The thing about my boys is that they aren't big snackers; they don't eat chips or crackers or cookies (unless they're homemade) so I started to keep candy in the pot on a regular basis. It eventually became known as the candy pot and the boys' friends knew to look in it to find treats whenever they came over to the house. It often got taken off the table and into Kenny's room when friends were over. Now, candy can get to be expensive so when we started putting candy in it all the time we would go to the $ Tree to buy candy. It was one of the regular things I did with Kenny. He liked bit-o-honey, twix and werther's originals. Those were the standards- and razzles for Vincent, other than that it would just depend on what we could find. It was fun, picking out candy and then filling up the pot again.
The pot was empty for quite awhile after Kenny died, but now I keep it going like we use to. It's something I do on my own most of the time now, it took awhile before I could go to the $ Tree. I cried the first few times I went--I left without buying anything the first time-I was horribly embarrassed. It was awful! I'm ok with it now, and I always look for twix or bit-o-honey to put in the candy pot--they still get eaten...
Element of the day (day 10)
#18) Ar-Argon (gas)
Discovered in 1894 by Lord Rayleigh and Sir William Ramsay, England.
A colorless, odorless gas. Making up nearly 1% of our atmosphere. Used inside light-bulbs, in producing special metals (titanium) and in welding. Used in lasers.
Obtained from liquefying air. There are no argon-bearing minerals.
Light-bulbs, eh?? So somehow, the light-bulb cover on Kenny's ceiling was broken. No doubt from something being thrown... Anyhow, it never got replaced. For awhile Kenny had a lamp that he wasn't using much. It was shortly after he had gone into his 'I want everything black' stage so I bought him a black light-bulb on impulse. It was a big hit, but the lamp wasn't so Kenny decided to put it on the main light plate in his room. He has one white bulb and one black. That was before the swirly energy efficient bulbs. First, the white bulb went out and we replaced it with a swirly energy efficient bulb-then the black went out. I was concerned I wouldn't find a black energy efficient bulb, but I did--gotta love Target! Kenny was very excited I found a black swirly bulb to match the white, I think he jumped off his bed with joy and immediately it was replaced. Those are the light-bulbs currently in his room and will always remain.
Until tomorrow....
I remember one day Kenny said "the girl who took my order knew who I was"- it got to the point that one of workers recognized his voice and the almost identical order. Anyway, today we decided to eat inside. The waitress came over, and looking at Vincent said "I haven't seen you're brother in awhile"...then Vincent, in his most gentle of manners said "Uh yea, about that...he died". The girl looked shocked, then gave me a glance and I nodded my head. Naturally then she apologized, I was wiping tears the rest of the time we were there. When we were done eating she came over and said she was taking care of the bill. With tears in her eyes she said Kenny was one of her regulars and that she knew his voice and his order, and though she didn't "really" know him she was sorry to hear he is gone.
After we got home, I cried myself to sleep on Kenny's pillow. Next time we get food from Cal Wok I'm going to order the meatball sandwich- that was Kenny's most common order. For months I avoided that place because it was one of those places we went to together, like the $ Tree or Savemart. Kenny and I ran a lot of typical errands together, it gave us a time to talk about whatever and getting boring necessities was much more fun with Kenny.
~~ Random Topic~~
The Candy Pot--]
Years ago mi mama (my mom, as I call her) bought me a traditional clay Mexican pot with the single handle on each side and the lid that comes off the top. When she gave it to me, I was warned not to use it to cook in or hold food- as it is not safe. So I started to store candy in it after Halloween one year. The boys discovered the candy and before I knew it the candy was gone. Every once in awhile I'd put some more in it, and that too would get eaten.
The thing about my boys is that they aren't big snackers; they don't eat chips or crackers or cookies (unless they're homemade) so I started to keep candy in the pot on a regular basis. It eventually became known as the candy pot and the boys' friends knew to look in it to find treats whenever they came over to the house. It often got taken off the table and into Kenny's room when friends were over. Now, candy can get to be expensive so when we started putting candy in it all the time we would go to the $ Tree to buy candy. It was one of the regular things I did with Kenny. He liked bit-o-honey, twix and werther's originals. Those were the standards- and razzles for Vincent, other than that it would just depend on what we could find. It was fun, picking out candy and then filling up the pot again.
The pot was empty for quite awhile after Kenny died, but now I keep it going like we use to. It's something I do on my own most of the time now, it took awhile before I could go to the $ Tree. I cried the first few times I went--I left without buying anything the first time-I was horribly embarrassed. It was awful! I'm ok with it now, and I always look for twix or bit-o-honey to put in the candy pot--they still get eaten...
Element of the day (day 10)
#18) Ar-Argon (gas)
Discovered in 1894 by Lord Rayleigh and Sir William Ramsay, England.
A colorless, odorless gas. Making up nearly 1% of our atmosphere. Used inside light-bulbs, in producing special metals (titanium) and in welding. Used in lasers.
Obtained from liquefying air. There are no argon-bearing minerals.
Light-bulbs, eh?? So somehow, the light-bulb cover on Kenny's ceiling was broken. No doubt from something being thrown... Anyhow, it never got replaced. For awhile Kenny had a lamp that he wasn't using much. It was shortly after he had gone into his 'I want everything black' stage so I bought him a black light-bulb on impulse. It was a big hit, but the lamp wasn't so Kenny decided to put it on the main light plate in his room. He has one white bulb and one black. That was before the swirly energy efficient bulbs. First, the white bulb went out and we replaced it with a swirly energy efficient bulb-then the black went out. I was concerned I wouldn't find a black energy efficient bulb, but I did--gotta love Target! Kenny was very excited I found a black swirly bulb to match the white, I think he jumped off his bed with joy and immediately it was replaced. Those are the light-bulbs currently in his room and will always remain.
Until tomorrow....
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