167* A day late

 

51 months since the tragedy that changed my life.

I am so upset with myself right now, but I think I will have to accept that for this year I will have to get the blog done when I am mentally capable and can make the time during this hectic period of my life.

On my personal journey to recovery I am for the first time since Kenny's death changing my life by choice instead of circumstance. It is an extremely tiring schedule with very little time for  rest or unwinding. It is also the most gratifying experience I have brought into my life in many years. 

I am pursuing a new career~~ one that I believe will eventually lead me to fulfill my lifetime dream of working in the art of healing the spirit. I once thought I would complete that work through healing the mind; however life has lead me to begin through the means of healing the body. In this pursuit I am in the process of receiving the education necessary to becoming an esthetician, which will allow me to do facial and head massage as well as complete body and skin treatments. This is step one of my plan. Skin being the largest organ on the body is exactly the right place to start because it affects our overall being more than most people realize. Once I am established in this industry I will pursue my license for becoming a massage therapist. After I have both licenses I will be able to work as a full body healer. Then I will incorporate energy healing. I will have to allow the universe to lead me in the direction that is best suited for me to make a positive impact in this world, so at the current time I am not sure in which capacity I will include energy healing. However, my interests are many ~ light healing, crystal healing, sound healing...

Anyway for the following months to come I am putting in 31-37 hours in school in addition to working approximately 25 hours a week and commuting 2&1/2 hours a day five days a week. Needless to say most of my energy is spent with these daily activities, not to mention homework and studying. Incredibly,, for the most part I am loving it despite the exhaustion.

Unfortunately, it also means that I am typing this blog entry at 2:27 am the morning after leap year has ended. I hate that I missed such a special day for writing especially because it is the first leap year since the year following Kenny's passing into the spirit world. I don't believe I received a single sign from Kenny. In fact it seems like it has been a while... OH Actually, oddly enough I just remembered something. I was drinking a bottle of water when I dropped my cap and it rolled under the bed. When I went to get it> amongst the dust was a single lone penny. I meant to get a picture but I forgot. I think I will try to take one now. Not sure 

how well it will show in the darkness...

as I thought, total darkness; but as I went to retrieve this picture I saw another with three pennies I know I took earlier this year. I had forgotten all about it. I am grateful to be wrong about my thought that the signs were not being received. I will pay close attention so I don't miss any.

Until next time....I LOVE YOU KENNY and 

                                    MISS YOU VERY VERY MUCH <3 Wish you had been here to see this with me...

Sunset @ Grover Beach 2016

  

 

166 quotes and feelings

I have no idea how this blog will progress this year. 
I've been thinking that I have desire to continue,, but unsure how to best relate what is in my heart.

There is so much lacking of Kenny. Nearly everything he left behind is still packed in storage. I have so many stories packed away. Remnants and memorabilia of experiences I long to remember and share.

Still figuring out how to make that possible. The one significant change in the signs I believe are from Kenny is that I rarely find pennies anymore. There were a few days when I found nickels instead of pennies after asking Kenny for a sign. Then I would think five pennies from heaven instead of one. Could it be because it is the fifth year without him?
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
As for this month-- I am going to post sayings that reflect the way I have been feeling the last month. 
Sometimes my feelings are better expressed from another source.

I've always believed the feathers I used to find all the time were signs from Kenny. Someday, I will tattoo a replica of the blue feather from Kenny on my forearm.

The first saying mi mama gave me years ago. The part that really gets to me is the 'you never said Goodbye'. To this day I feel like I didn't get a goodbye. I only got a lost look, somewhat of a smirk really.
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 Always, always....
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 Hopefully,, someday....
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Until next time,, as Kenny would say

 

165* Kenny in the snow

Today is Tuesday the 29th of December. It has been 214 weeks since Kenny passed over to the other side*** as I began my day I thought " today is the 29th day of the month on a Tuesday, same as when Kenny died==} how shall I celebrate my son today?"

Quite different than on other 29th days of the month. So I asked Kenny for a sign, something that I could use as inspiration for today's blog entry.

And what should I see when I stride out in the morning? Frost on the grass-- frost on my car!! Now, in some places that may seem quite ordinary; however on the central coast of California it does not typically reach temperatures cold enough to cause frost,, and I have never experienced it before today since I left the valley.                                                      

Kenny (5 yrs) and Vinny (4 yrs) I LOVE THIS PIC!

Jheremy, Uncle Matthew, Vincent, Kenny 1996

From the first time Kenny experienced the wonders of snow he was hooked. I think he was 5 years old. He didn't mind getting bundled up or being soaked after playing in the snow. And, as he was at the beach, Kenny could be in the snow for hours. Running, sledding, spinning on snow discs, making snow balls==any, and all of it was great fun for him. I can hear his childhood laughter now...it's wonderful to remember him happy. 

snow digging? Vincent, Jheremy, Kenny

"Throw that snowball Kenny" 6yrs

snow sliding-- winter 1997

I, on the other hand, was done having fun after about half an hour. I would go sit in the car, teeth shattering, feeling like an icicle>> turn on the heater and try to defrost. I prefer to enjoy the spectacular view of the snow without feeling its effects.
Kenny was a nature lover. In retrospect I think the walls of his room slowly seeped the life out of him. I should have taken him out more. I feel the same happened to me while I was there. Being near the beauty of the ocean has helped me heal, however lonely it gets here.

12/ 22/ 1998 Jheremy, Kenny, Vincent

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One of the most special snow-days in Fresno occurred on December 22, 1998 while I was flying home from New Mexico. It was the day my Grandma Tanis died. Grandma grew up in New Mexico where it snowed every year, and that is where she died. I remember her complaining every winter in Fresno where she then lived; that it never snowed there and she missed the snow very much. Here are a couple of pictures the boy's dad took on that very special snow day. I always say it was a sign from my Grandma Tanis as if she was saying goodbye as the snowflakes fell. 

Is that a glow around Kenny?

Kenny, Ben, Zac- short sleeves in the snow- craziness

 Kenny's love of snow never faded. I often wish he had more snow trips. They became fewer and fewer as he grew older. His last day in the snow was spent with his best friend Ben and Ben's brother Zac. I don't remember if it was his last year of life or the year before, but I believe it was 1991.
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As the time turns to 11:29 p.m. I think of how I accomplished my goal this year with the blog. I started the year wanting to commemorate the 29th of every month with a blog entry. I tried to infuse a bit of Kenny's spirit in every writing and as many picture memories possible.

And, as if Kenny was speaking to me when I turned on my phone after work~ there was this picture via text message from mi Mama~ she is a constant source for uplifting my spirits. I don't know what I would do without her.

 


  ---}

 Hopeful is how I am feeling. In fact, I was expressing that exact sentiment to a co-worker today. That, for the first time in many weeks I feel hopeful for the future. Stronger, more sure of myself. Maybe because I survived another year not fully healed-- yet, closer to it or because I  am soon to create a life I truly want to live... I suppose it is yet to be known.

Until next time~*** May your life sparkle as the much as the snow crystals glisten in the sunlight

Kenny's last day in the snow-- sliding down of course...  :)

 

164* Christmas blog~ Centerpiece

Kenny's 1st Christmas~ Kenny's dad holding Kenny, Me with Vincent inside me, Jheremy 1991

Every family has a centerpiece....

for our little family unit Kenny was our centerpiece. He held us all together.

I was thinking of Christmas and how I have been alone the last couple years.



There is no Christmas without being with people you love. Since Kenny's death there was only one Christmas.

It was the year my brother died. The year my Tio Manuel died, and Vincent & I had one final Noel in the home I shared with my sons.

It was not a complete Christmas. Kenny was already gone ~ off into the spirit world and Jheremy hasn't spent the holiday season with us in nearly a decade.

Our family has disbanded entirely since Kenny passed. None of us live in the same town...and that may never happen again.

We keep in touch fairly regularly. I had nice conversations with both Jheremy and Vincent today. I wonder ... if Kenny was here ~ would we still talk daily as we always did. He is the only one of my sons I had that connection with.
 

Christmas 1993~ Mike, Kenny, Santa, me, Vincent

He is also the only person Vincent talked to daily. And although Vincent is making strides to exist in the real world, I can still see and hear the disconnection he lives with without his brother.

As torn as my heart is without Kenny I think Vincent needed him more. I am alone in this world, but aside from the years of motherhood with my children I have always been alone. Even in childhood.

Vincent has only been alone since Kenny's been gone. I don't mean entirely alone - with no one who cares. He still has us - his family. Me, Jheremy, and his dad. I mean emotionally alone - without connection. Kenny was his closest person. There with him since the day he was born. A daily part of his life.

These words burn in my heart from Vincent at Kenny's memorial service "I hear you guys saying I've known Kenny for this many years or I've known Kenny for that many years. But I knew him from the day I was born and I've lost my other half." My eyes can't hold the tears any time I recall that moment, remembering Vincent's voice breaking and him crying in public. The strong, stoic boy who never shows emotion. That is the affect of loss.
 

Christmas 1994~ Kenny, Uncle Matthew, Jheremy, Vincent

Christmas 1998~ Jheremy and Kenny

The daily connection. That's how Kenny was our family's centerpiece. Even with Jheremy's distance - Kenny is the one he would talk to; to find out how I was doing, how Vincent was doing, and to ask him what he should get us for Christmas.

Kenny was the mediator in times of trouble~ encompassing the greatest compassion and the most forgiving heart I have ever known. He had a light inside him. A truly kind spirit he shared with the world despite the cruelty he endured.

But more than that, he shared his spirit with us~ his family, in a place where he was loved and treasured and will forever be missed on every holiday by all of us, and I pray that each of us receives a sign from that beautiful boy letting us know his spirit is forever loving, kind, and compassionate; and still with us in his own special way.

*~That is my Christmas Wish~*  

Kenny with google glasses~ Christmas 2000? 

Until next time.... Christmas Blessings, Love & Peace

163* Year 4

    

So I heard this song many months back and it made me think of Kenny. I had never seen the video until today. I like the song more than the video.

I've always wondered if Kenny felt invisible. I think I remember him saying that to me once. And I definitely remember him saying he wanted to be invisible. Sometimes just to be hidden from the world that did not understand him and sometimes for the adventure of being unseen.

That was Kenny. A remarkable variation of thoughts and purposes. Many unseen by the world around him, known to the few who really knew who he was as a human. He wanted so much to rescue the world. To rid it of unkindness-- to make a difference, and all the while he was doing just that and never recognized it for himself---] the impact he made with his unselfish ways. If only the world had rescued him I would not being asking myself "how has another year passed without him?"

Another year. And my life is still unsettled.They say you never fully recover from the loss of a child. I know this to be true. Even though I mourn the loss of many others, and today includes my Tio Manuel- the devastation of living without Kenny still haunts me daily regardless of what my day entails. No matter what progress I make there is an eternal emptiness that will never be filled.

As I begin another year without my child I feel the strain of not having a home and how it affects my life. I wonder if I will ever have a home. A place where I can feel free and peaceful. If I will ever know what its like to feel loved in the space I reside ever again.

The home I shared with my sons was such a place. I wrote, I cooked, listened to music, and I baked! I spent hours on puzzles and projects. And best of all, interacted with the loves of my life. Ordinary activities that enriched my life and brought tranquility.These are lacking in my life now. The ability to do, the opportunity to fully be myself. 

This was my day: As the day became November 29th at midnight I was at work taking care of closing procedures. I worked till 12:30am. Within seconds of clocking out the tears were streaming down my cheeks. I had no control. I went to my car as quickly as I could and lay my head on the steering wheel weeping away.

I slept a few hours, which was not nearly enough to get me through the day. I dressed and left for Fresno. I spent no less than 8 hours on the road today. Upon arriving, I went to see Ravenne. As I was extremely tired and not feeling well, a friend took me to the Panaderia to eat and buy pan dulce. That is Mexican sweet bread, which was a treat Kenny loved. I bought a yellow one because it was Kenny's favorite. I just finished eating it.

Then I went to the cemetery to visit my Tio Manuel. I laid next to his graveside and talked to him awhile. I went to buy tealight candles to light for Kenny but that did not end up happening. Ravenne and I rode around for awhile, by which time I was exhausted so we took a nap in the car when we got back to her home. After that, I got back on the road and drove to Pismo.

When I got here- I went to the dunes of Grover Beach. That was one of Kenny's favorite places to go. I talked to Kenny. Of course, it was to no avail as he does not talk back. I sat a short time with the cool, breezy air and the sounds of the ocean waves. It was a good way to end all the driving. 

In finality, I am writing this blog entry. It is a fitting way to put a close to this day. I cried off and on the entire day. I had many thoughts about life and life's changes. Tragic events have a way of derailing our paths. I long to live an ordinary life with extraordinary meaning. I had other plans for the day and a part of me accepts that not all things happen the way we want and a part of me wants to be able to fulfill all the desires I have in my heart.

As for today,, it was one of those days I could not be with people. I needed my own space. My oneness with my dog because the person I wanted most is no longer available. I still wish for one day of conversation with my son. I want to know what he sees, what its like after death, if he is indeed in a better place as I imagine he is.

Someday....someday, I tell myself. Until then, I know I must do my best to find strength even though my heart has been through the ringer more times than it should. I will go on...and keep moving forward. Trying to reach the seemingly unattainable stars that I dream of reaching.

And hopefully by the time year 5 comes around I will have a life with extraordinary meaning.  

                                                                                  

162* Halloween post

So,, once again Halloween is upon us.  Another year without my Kenny love<3 .  Halloween , or as I like to call it All Hallow's Eve is and always will be my favorite holiday.  It was also Kenny's favorite holiday, which makes me love me it more. So here are a few picture memories of my adorable son to remember the good times....

Kenny- 2 yrs -1993- Vincent 1 yr.

Kenny as a pirate- 10 yrs. old

Kenny with best friend Ben- -- 2009

//Kenny's business card  2009////

Kenny and Callie- 2010

Kenny's last dress up- 2010

 

Not quite sure what to call this look- 2010

 It's hard to believe its been so many years without him...I'm actually going to dress up this year again... as a gypsy for the first time since Kenny has been gone...I hope he is watching down from Heaven.... and telling me " have fun Mom".   and maybe I will see him in the starlight.***

Until... Next time....Love <3  Peace, and Happiness :}

To this day Kenny's  two best friends Ben and Callie are still together!!! Total Happiness <3 <3 

161* Kenny's 24th birthday and the tattoo

I would be there with you now wishing you a 
Magical 24th Birthday <3 and catching up on all we've experienced in the last three years

Unfortunately, that can't be for now. Sometimes, I think you visit me in my dreams. Its more a feeling than a memory.

I found a special penny the other day. Mostly special because I hadn't found a random penny in quite a while and also because the place where I found it is special to me. 

I also added two new bottle-caps to Kenny's collection. Someday, I will put them in a cool jar or something. I know I will continue to add to the collection all the days in my life, and as I am having many new experiences I am gathering caps he never owned.


2 new drinks... :)

Life has been very interesting the last couple weeks.
On October 2nd I finally got my first tattoo in memory of Kenny. It didn't turn out quite the way I wanted so I will have to re-do it in the future. But it still is special in that the dates were written by Kenny's best friend Ben and traced for the tattoo.

Born:  October 15 1991

Died:   November 29 2011

This is how it would look if it was black and gray. Unfortunately, its not.  

I recently read a book called The Reason I Jump   

by Naoki Higashida.  Its a very special book written by a 13 year old boy with autism.

 Inside the book is a story called I'm Right Here. What is interesting about this story is that it sounded as if it came from the perspective of a boy who died. Almost as if Kenny found a new way to speak to me. The book came into my life unexpectedly while talking to a friend who has a child with autism. 

  I had to return the book, however I plan to add it to my personal library as soon as possible.                                                                                                 

In a way, its proof that Love reaches beyond all boundaries in so many ways.                                                                                                      

After hours of tears this morning, I managed to get through the day with all its demands of work and education. I celebrated Kenny's life and birthday by continuing to enrich my own. This is the first year I have been able to do that. I think my love for self and life has truly been renewed during this year of 2015. Amazing, the journey of life with all its trials, twists, and turns- through heart crushing breaks filled with dark nights and days- somehow manages to find a lighted path with hope and joy. That is my life. And I am grateful I have found my way...

Until next time<3 <3 <3 <3

It's very much like the "Kenny dance"!