147* Another November 29th

Another November 29th.... Three years gone. Boo Hoo Hoo  (Kenny would get it)

Kenny's special table-picture by Rob with frame from his glasses that I found on the tracks; marble urn Kenny would have thought is cool; glass bowl with dozens of feathers- Kenny signs; and his anniversary candle-- Nov. 29, 2014 

How can it be that another year has passed? The saying goes "time heals all wounds" but I emphatically do not believe it. 

The days do not get any easier. Every so often there are happy days but its been so long I don't remember them.

In the past year, I feel as if I have truly lost Kenny. And today I could not find the connection that once kept him close to my soul. 

It was a strange day. I felt lost,, with time slipping away very quickly. 

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Since I no longer have a home-- Kenny's urn is on his special table at mi mama's house. I took his anniversary candle there late this morning.    

When I went to light the candle, the lighter would not spark. I tried several times and finally gave up. Instead I used a match. I suppose that was a sign of the day to come.

I was hoping for time alone with Kenny, but that never happened. I spent awhile looking through pictures. Gathering them for Kenny's photo album that needs to be put back together.

Before I knew it- it was afternoon so I left to pick up Ravenne.

As I no longer have a home, she is staying with a friend. It is extremely difficult and I am quite sad without her even though she is being well taken care of -- my only consolation with the situation.  

Ravenne's new home for now

The plan was to take some of Kenny's ashes to the railroad tracks and then go for a drive someplace we could have a long walk. As fate would have it today, that plan did not come to fruition-- After I put Ravenne in the car, I realized I did not have the jar with Kenny's ashes. Its a small jar with a black lid and a gold peace sign sticker. I thought I locked his ashes in my friend's trunk in my purple backpack where they are supposed to be.

As it turned out three hours later when I was finally able to check my stuff in the trunk-- Kenny's ashes were not where I thought they were. As of now at nearly 11pm, I still have not found them.
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So, I had to return to mi mama's to gather some more ashes in another little jar. By the time that was done, it was already dark outside.

However, Ravenne and I still took the drive to the tracks where Kenny callously took his life and spirit away from us. I pulled to the spot where I park and noticed there was a freight train stopped on the tracks. That seems to be a frequent occurrence lately. It stayed in its place the entire time we were there. We didn't take time for a walk. The short walks from earlier today were all we had time to share. It was a smidgen of happiness sprinkled into a mess of a day.

I found the place with the faded pink marking. I noticed lights coming down the tracks as I was getting ready to drop the ashes on the rail where the spot was marked. Within a minute of laying the ashes down-- an Amtrak sped by blowing them into the wind to join the millions of dust particles in the Universe.

I kept asking Kenny for a sign that he was still around. Later when I sat in the dirt talking to him I said "Kenny, you didn't give me a sign today". I heard a voice say in return "the train was the sign Mom". I can only hope that was Kenny's response and not me going crazy.
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Life has changed very much in the last few months; although I would not say much of it has been progressive. That must be still to come.

A time and place that I have not been able to reach. A peace that once seemed attainable that I am no longer sure about.

There was a time when all in life seemed hopeful. However in the past three years I have grasped for hope time and time again, yet it somehow seems to slip through my fingertips repeatedly. 

I wonder if that is how Kenny felt in the last months of his life. Those final weeks didn't tell much of what was in his mind. That he could actually leave it all behind him. Say good-bye to his life. Never to be Kenny again. I have no idea where he is on his journey. I feel the greatest separation from him that I have ever felt.

I am restless-- without peace of any kind. It is a dis-heartening feeling that I can not be free of. I have no idea what the next year will bring. If I will move on-- forward-- or whatever. And whatever does that mean anyway??
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In memory.....

Kenny's ashes with peace sign, cross, heart and letter K-gift from cousin Jennifer and Tia Nellie

sticker on the back of Eliora's truck with my lipstick kiss 

 
                                                   

one of Kenny's favorite snacks-- ate these while I wrote this entry-- been eating them a lot lately...

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In closing I would like to say-- I had no time for tears today. Not the real kind of tears that feel like 'I miss you son-- I cry for your loss'. So now is the time for those tears....to wash away the mishaps of the day,, the sorrow of a time with Kenny I can never get back and can't let go of.

The love for you is as deep as ever. No amount of time lessens my heart's hope for you, my grief that you are not here, or my desire to feel your presence. I MISS YOU MY DARLING SON!

Hugs to you in heaven. And also Love and Hugs to my Tio Manuel who left us one year ago today. May you both experience peace and light on the other side. <3


 

146* Blue Feathers and the Grover Dunes

It's been a long time since I've written a blog entry. It almost feels like I'm starting all over.
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Today is Tuesday the 29th of July so it felt significant to write because it was Tuesday the 29th the day Kenny died-- its been 32 months/ 139 weeks now without my Kenny.

My pile of feathers has increased greatly over the last few months. After finding dozens of feathers that are gray and black or a combo thereof, I started to ask Kenny about a month ago to leave me a blue feather as a sign that he is watching over me.

It took a few weeks and then a couple Saturdays ago, as I was cleaning dead leaves out of the flower bed that I found this baby blue feather. I tried to capture the blue in a picture but it didn't come out that well. 

 this tiny feather is so cute!and it really is half blue. Kenny must've known it wouldn't show in a pic because yesterday morning as I was walking Ravenne I found another blue feather-- looks like it came right off a blue jay. It was laying in the grass near a tree Ravenne was sniffing so I took a pic of it right there on the ground.

 this feather shows the blue so I guess Kenny answered my request  twice. I'm going to have a replica of the baby blue as part of my next tattoo in memory of Kenny...

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 The Dunes:   Kenny's ashes

 One of Kenny's favorite places to run around was at the dunes of Grover Beach; that is where I went today to spread some of his ashes and to talk to my son. The broken bits of his bones landed across the sand in a footprint pattern as if he were running in the it.While I was there I found a stick that was partially burned- it was just the kind of stick Kenny would have liked so I used it to dig a small hole to lay his ashes in... 

jar with Kenny's ashes 7/29/14

stick I found laying on sand

before I buried ashes in the sand...

      

bottle cap as found in the sand

I sat on the sand for a very long time after I buried and spread a part of Kenny in the dunes he loved. I talked to Kenny asking for a sign that he was there with me. It was strange because I felt that he was with me but not around me. After a long while I felt the sensation to get up and start walking through the dunes. When you walk in the middle of the dunes where the sand is lower its like being in the middle of the desert because the ocean is hidden by the small hills. In my mind I asked Kenny to lead the way and this is where he led me. I was following the middle path when my son Jheremy called me so I stopped. We talked for a little bit so I turned back- my feet were burning in the hot sand so I dropped my flip flops to put them on looking down into the gravely ground. That is when I saw it. A bottle cap- a golden bottle cap perfectly shaped sitting alone atop the golden grains of sand. I have never seen a bottle cap with a saying like this one. I read the saying and thought to myself this is something Kenny would have thought about himself so it must be a sign from Kenny. Then I took a picture and put it in my pouch.When I return home later in the week I will add it to his collection... I have to believe that his spirit is still with me, that the bond of love between us can never be broken regardless of how long he is gone. It doesn't mend my heart but it does warm my soul....

Kenny- age 1 - at the beach...

#################################So long ago...

On the day he was born- 10/15/1991

Jheremy in the bath- Kenny 9 months

Kenny & Vincent waking up from nap- 1993

Kenny 4yrs- Jheremy 8yrs- Matthew 5yrs-Vincent 3yrs

What a look! Kenny 7 yrs - 1998

Until next time-> Love Like There Is No Tomorrow and It Is All You Have <3 
                

145* 114 weeks

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!
IT'S BEEN TOO LONG!!!!!!!!
IT'S BEEN TOO LOONNNGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

WHERE ARE YOU MY DARLING SON?!? 

 

 

 feel like I'm going crazy today......
 MISSING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!>>>>>>>>>>>>>

144* ~'~ Signs...

25 months  

It's nearly the end of December and it seems I have survived another year without my darling son. Time passes by, but the feelings do not change.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Eve: Vincent and I ate In-n-Out for dinner. Then I decorated my little Christmas tree in red and gold in memory of my brother Nick who was a huge 49er fan. Also, I waited to decorate my tree until Christmas Eve as was my Grandma Tanis's tradition. She kept her tree up until Epiphany which is January 6th. I'm still deciding on that. I didn't put up the nativity set this year. I don't think I did any decorating last year....mostly everything of mine is already in storage so on to the saving of traditions for 2014.
                         

Christmas tree~ 2013

Christmas Day: I awoke before dawn and watched the sun rise as I drove to my brother Nick's house to feed the puppies for my niece and family who were in Seattle visiting Navy nephew. 
   Then I went to mi mama's for a little visit with my other niece Nicole and give her a gift and play with puppy Popcorn.
After that I did the cemetery visits. 
   First I went to Belmont Memorial to see my Tio Manuel who recently passed. I was disappointed that there isn't any type of indication of who he is under the dry grass. Fortunately he is at the feet of his sister so I knew where he was. I sat, I talked with him, cried and borrowed a plastic candy cane from my aunt's christmas tree to drill a hole in the dirt and carve his name. I put a carnation in the hole. There are so many things I need to talk to him about and maybe he can hear me but I certainly do not hear his reply. I could really use his advice right now....
   After that I took flowers to my mom at St. Peter's Cemetery. By then it was quite warm so I didn't stay too long. I haven't had a visit from her in a very long time-- I do wish I could see her again.
   When I returned home I was exhausted physically and emotionally so I cried myself to sleep and took a nap. That was pretty much my day,, and a late visit with a cousin which was nice. I got a bad cough and have been dealing with that ever since. I vow to get well soon!!
   Overall, this Christmas was closer to normal than the last couple. Other than I didn't do my usual baking because all my baking stuff is in storage...life just keeps throwing curve-balls my way======but I think I am getting better at dodging or hitting them. Ha ha ha
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   I have been thinking a lot about faith lately and the role it plays in my life. As a healing element it is paramount because I think I would still be on the floor drowning in puddles of tears. Sometimes I still want it to be that way but I somehow keep on going. One of my favorite holiday cds is Jewel's holiday collection. She does a medley version of 'Go tell it on a mountain' + 'Life Uncommon'+ 'From a distance' which I listen to over and over. This year it took me two weeks to find it because as I've said mostly everything is packed or in storage and I have music absolutely everywhere in disarray and mayhem. 
  One of my favorite verses goes: Come on you unbelievers
                                                       Oh! Move out of the way
                                                      There is a new army coming
                                                      Oh! And we are armed with faith
                                                     Oh! Live, Oh! We must give
                                                     Oh! Live
Whenever I listen to this I think of myself coming back to life-- to not let all of life's hardships take away my faith in God, life, and myself. It fuels me with hope and passion. Reminds of the days when I lived strongly without doubt or fear. Such a long, long time ago when I would try to give Kenny hope because I believed with all my heart it could make a difference. Then hope was lost when he took his life and I have been searching ever since. Slowly, in time. As the saying goes "And in time, this too shall pass". The pain and the sadness?? Never completely gone but somehow it may become bearable as I find strength with each day I hold onto hope and faith. It was shaken again this year with the deaths of my brother Nick and my Tio Manuel. I was barely emerging from the dark, dark clouds when Nick suddenly left us and there I retreated once again behind a thickness of gray. Very, very gray.
With each tragedy I survive-- my sense of self grows stronger. I do not want to hide who I am or what I believe in. I do not concern myself with the doubts or judgements of others as I once did. Maybe that is one of the lessons intended for me as part of my survival. Renewed strength in what is right for me-- of light and spirit. Essential to my being-- a key to finding happiness. Now if only the loneliness would disappear and I could feel loved again...but that's an entirely other aspect of life to deal with. I am beginning to believe I can survive most anything. A faith I had once before and am trying to hold onto once again.
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~*~SIGNS~*~ 
                          Hummingbirds
Dec. 6 ~'~ the night of my Tio Manuel's mass & burial I went to 
                  Savemart and there was a hummingbird flying above
                  me going from one side of the store to the other back 
                  and forth. I must have stood staring up at the ceiling 
                  for many minutes in amazement.
Dec. 12 ~ A Very Strange day
                  in the morning, there was a hummingbird fluttering 
                in and around the tree outside the living room 
                window.               
                it was flying close enough to the window to see clearly
                for a long time which is unusual because normally
                hummingbirds are flighty and difficult to keep an 
                eye on.
                  later, while I was washing the dishes the wind chime
                hanging outside the kitchen wind, which had been 
                stuck on a branch suddenly came swinging down 
                making a ruckus and catching me totally by surprise!
                   shortly after, as I was talking to my son Jheremy on 
                the phone, still in the kitchen I saw a NOVA truck 
                pass in front of my window, driving down my street. I 
                had never seen a NOVA truck before and I was kind 
                of tripping out because that is the name of the 
                crematory that burned Kenny's body.
 I've been wondering if the hummingbirds are connected with my Tio Manuel's spirit since I saw the first one after his burial service. I saw one on another day however I can't remember it exactly, only that it happened.
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                                        ~~Feathers~~  
found a couple more feathers--  theres been others but I don't always remember to take a picture or write down info. baby feather was found while walking with my dog.    mangled feather was found outside my tia's house on the day we my family got together to make candy.
                                                      

baby feather  12/16/13         

mangled feather  12/17/13

so I'm at the gas station the morning of Tuesday Dec. 17th-- and when I'm done pumping the gas and go to get in my car I find this random guitar pic laying on my seat exactly as I took the picture-- I don't remember ever seeing it before and I never left my car,, just went out of it to pump gas--so that was WEIRD!!!

 there have been a few Kenny penny days here and there but on 12/18/13 I  found all three of the pennies in the driveway of the Yale house centimeters apart so I took a pic of them together later that day...







 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 This has been the prayer I have been repeating the last few days....with all that has happened in the last month it is one of the ways I am holding onto faith

Until next time...

143* a new song-

Another sleepless night. Over the past two weeks the nights of sleep become fewer and fewer.

The second anniversary of Kenny's departure has come and gone and with it the loss of another important person in my life. Gone on the same day as Kenny and services the same day two years later.
Coincidence?? Is there any such thing?!!?

As I sit here at 4:30 in the morning I am listening to a song about suicide that someone special shared with me a couple weeks ago. It's a song I had never heard before. Its somewhat uncanny how well it expresses the way I perceive Kenny's pain.

As I have said before Kenny never listened much to music with lyrics but he did like to hear the sound of a piano playing. I have listened to the intro of this song at least a dozen times. Kenny would have loved the beginning and the end. Is that a train roaring down the tracks as part 1 fades away?

The song is 'I Won't See You Tonight' by Avenged Sevenfold

These are the lyrics:

"I Won't See You Tonight (Part 1)"

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved

It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

So no breath, no heartache, no pain for him...
Left to me now and forever

At times like these the sorrow only deepens without him,, and it is a sorrow that will never go away-- as the train roars two blocks away.

SERIOUSLY GOD-- WHAT IS THAT ABOUT????????!!!!!!!!!

Until next time 

142* heartbreak day

~ today I was reminded why I stopped making plans.
~ it is 12:07pm and I have not done much today.
~ perhaps it is because of the over-activity of the last week.
~ but I think not
~ I had intentions for the day before...
               last night I told Kenny's story to someone I hadn't seen in years. he did not know Kenny but he knew of him. I showed pictures,, I was strong while telling of what happened-- I did not cry which was a first. However, the more I spoke of him the stronger the sense of his loss became.
               by the time I got home I was kind of numb. I sat frozen on my bed and stared out into nothing for a very long time. well over an hour, sitting with the light on, no t.v., no candle, with Ravenne laying near by. my mind racing with the events of the night. my heart torn between the heartbreak of the past and possibilities of the future.
              finally, I forced myself to put on sleeping clothes. the air was chilly but it hardly fazed me. I returned to Kenny´s room- lit a candle- curled under the blankets- and lay awake for awhile praying to God. I must've asked God a dozen questions and said many prayers during the night. I slept a little, woke up, cried and cried...like I haven't done in months. I talked to Kenny but I didn't notice any signs.I faintly heard his voice, think he made an appearance in one of my dreams. I know the sadness blocks my visions, my acceptance of gifts from the other side-- one would think that the bond of love would overcome that but somehow it doesn't. I have cried most of the day. I don't even try to stop the tears now as I did earlier. What's the point??? they flow and flow down my cheeks,, my eyes feel swollen and my heart feels like it's been through a shredder~~ I tried to get Vincent to give me a hug but he wouldn't. he is not happy I am crying again-- I told him I was sad and that I miss Kenny. it seems even he thinks I should be better by now. will there ever be true healing?? a time when his memories will bring a smile and a sting to my heart instead of total, utter heartbreak?!! Once again, I have fallen into a place of devastation. I wish- for a change- that I did not feel so alone. I know that there is God, and angels and spirits of my loved ones but that is a different realm and my heartbreak is a barrier from such comfort sometimes. like now. I thought I was further along than this-- I thought I was ready to move on...to start over with most of my heart healed. where is the strength I am supposed to possess? I hear it all the time-] people tell me "Annette, you are so strong".
           Well, I guess that's not today.
           I pray for guidance and the courage to face all the changes right in front of me; to accept that my son is better in heaven than he was on earth; to hold onto the love and let go of the loneliness I feel without him. it's a prayer repeated over and over again the past couple years. I hear in my mind 'trust in God and he will guide the way'. I know that is my only hope...

Until a better day~~Love, Hope, Peace,Faith~~ 

141* something about November 29

]]]--November 29, 2013--[[[

so it's been 2 years now that Kenny is gone; sometimes it feels like forever ago and sometimes it feels like time has stood still

today I have been busy packing, packing, packing and cleaning.

yesterday was Thanksgiving again--two years without Kenny>> two years without turkey,, seems very odd to not have any regularity in one of the holidays we liked so much. last year because of the grief and this year because of the craziness.

will it ever seem normal again?? is there any normal? we never have been that normal of a family but that's o.k.-- I'm good with that-- I don't think I like normal all that much but I do like some sort of consistency.

I cooked very little-] in fact other than cornbread, I only made mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie
==========================================================
his room is nearly packed-- it will be empty before the end of the week
it looks different--] the only signs of Kenny are the picture of him and Ben on his t.v. and his element chart that is still on the wall 

now, there is nothing extraordinary about Kenny's t.v.-> other than the warning on it that is! A shining example of Kenny's sense of humor-- see for yourself

the warning on Kenny's t.v.

the element chart is reflected on the screen
I don't want to take it down so I will wait till the last day I think or when I can force myself to do it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
sad, sad news~~ my uncle died tonight,, same day as Kenny~ different year
______________________________________________________________
movie night was especially touching-- Callie gave me a hug at just the right moment

Vincent and Ben were quite entertaining-- I'm sure Kenny was listening with amusement from somewhere

we watched one of my all time favorite movies =   
 'the Avengers'  -- such a good movie- so much fun!!


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December 5,2013

two years ago today, many people gathered in a little chapel to say good-bye to Kenny.

it was an extraordinary event-- it was alive-> heartfelt, painful, caring, humorous, heart-breaking and thoughtful. I am grateful for the friends and family who spoke of the boy I knew-- the young man whom I admired and loved beyond all capacity of reasoning.

there are no limitations on the love I have for my children--> 
I cherish their very existence and hold onto the memories we shared
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
tonight, there was another gathering-- to say good bye to my Tio Manuel

this gathering was somber and quiet-- very different than Kenny's-] remembering the last day I looked at Kenny hits a tender spot in my heart but kind of in a good way-> it still hurts, I still cry and miss him but it does feel a little less broken

and although the healing is very, very slow-- almost like a crawling snail-- at least it's healing and any progress is positive

I have thoughts and plots of pictures and stories to come; I have many incomplete plans for ways to keep Kenny's memories alive. I pray that I make greater strides in the coming year than the past year and that I will continue to heal without losing my connection to Kenny.

Until next time-- Love and Peace...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Loving Memory

Manuel Valencia Robles  1946~2013

<3 Thank you for always caring

<3 Thank you for being the first and only Robles to pay condolences when Kenny died

:)  Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, and happy memories

Rest In Peace~~Enjoy Heaven and dancing with my mom

Until we meet again...I will always remember

me:" I love you Tio"
you: "I love you more"

~Tio Manuel and my mom, Noemi~ 1966