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| Kenny's special table-picture by Rob with frame from his glasses that I found on the tracks; marble urn Kenny would have thought is cool; glass bowl with dozens of feathers- Kenny signs; and his anniversary candle-- Nov. 29, 2014 |
How can it be that another year has passed? The saying goes "time heals all wounds" but I emphatically do not believe it.
The days do not get any easier. Every so often there are happy days but its been so long I don't remember them.
In the past year, I feel as if I have truly lost Kenny. And today I could not find the connection that once kept him close to my soul.
It was a strange day. I felt lost,, with time slipping away very quickly.
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Since I no longer have a home-- Kenny's urn is on his special table at mi mama's house. I took his anniversary candle there late this morning.
I was hoping for time alone with Kenny, but that never happened. I spent awhile looking through pictures. Gathering them for Kenny's photo album that needs to be put back together.
Before I knew it- it was afternoon so I left to pick up Ravenne.
As I no longer have a home, she is staying with a friend. It is extremely difficult and I am quite sad without her even though she is being well taken care of -- my only consolation with the situation.
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| Ravenne's new home for now |
The plan was to take some of Kenny's ashes to the railroad tracks and then go for a drive someplace we could have a long walk. As fate would have it today, that plan did not come to fruition-- After I put Ravenne in the car, I realized I did not have the jar with Kenny's ashes. Its a small jar with a black lid and a gold peace sign sticker. I thought I locked his ashes in my friend's trunk in my purple backpack where they are supposed to be.
As it turned out three hours later when I was finally able to check my stuff in the trunk-- Kenny's ashes were not where I thought they were. As of now at nearly 11pm, I still have not found them.
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So, I had to return to mi mama's to gather some more ashes in another little jar. By the time that was done, it was already dark outside.
However, Ravenne and I still took the drive to the tracks where Kenny callously took his life and spirit away from us. I pulled to the spot where I park and noticed there was a freight train stopped on the tracks. That seems to be a frequent occurrence lately. It stayed in its place the entire time we were there. We didn't take time for a walk. The short walks from earlier today were all we had time to share. It was a smidgen of happiness sprinkled into a mess of a day.
I found the place with the faded pink marking. I noticed lights coming down the tracks as I was getting ready to drop the ashes on the rail where the spot was marked. Within a minute of laying the ashes down-- an Amtrak sped by blowing them into the wind to join the millions of dust particles in the Universe.
I kept asking Kenny for a sign that he was still around. Later when I sat in the dirt talking to him I said "Kenny, you didn't give me a sign today". I heard a voice say in return "the train was the sign Mom". I can only hope that was Kenny's response and not me going crazy.
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Life has changed very much in the last few months; although I would not say much of it has been progressive. That must be still to come.
A time and place that I have not been able to reach. A peace that once seemed attainable that I am no longer sure about.
There was a time when all in life seemed hopeful. However in the past three years I have grasped for hope time and time again, yet it somehow seems to slip through my fingertips repeatedly.
I wonder if that is how Kenny felt in the last months of his life. Those final weeks didn't tell much of what was in his mind. That he could actually leave it all behind him. Say good-bye to his life. Never to be Kenny again. I have no idea where he is on his journey. I feel the greatest separation from him that I have ever felt.
I am restless-- without peace of any kind. It is a dis-heartening feeling that I can not be free of. I have no idea what the next year will bring. If I will move on-- forward-- or whatever. And whatever does that mean anyway??
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In memory.....
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| Kenny's ashes with peace sign, cross, heart and letter K-gift from cousin Jennifer and Tia Nellie |
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| sticker on the back of Eliora's truck with my lipstick kiss | |
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| one of Kenny's favorite snacks-- ate these while I wrote this entry-- been eating them a lot lately... |
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In closing I would like to say-- I had no time for tears today. Not the real kind of tears that feel like 'I miss you son-- I cry for your loss'. So now is the time for those tears....to wash away the mishaps of the day,, the sorrow of a time with Kenny I can never get back and can't let go of.
The love for you is as deep as ever. No amount of time lessens my heart's hope for you, my grief that you are not here, or my desire to feel your presence. I MISS YOU MY DARLING SON!
Hugs to you in heaven. And also Love and Hugs to my Tio Manuel who left us one year ago today. May you both experience peace and light on the other side. <3
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