143* a new song-

Another sleepless night. Over the past two weeks the nights of sleep become fewer and fewer.

The second anniversary of Kenny's departure has come and gone and with it the loss of another important person in my life. Gone on the same day as Kenny and services the same day two years later.
Coincidence?? Is there any such thing?!!?

As I sit here at 4:30 in the morning I am listening to a song about suicide that someone special shared with me a couple weeks ago. It's a song I had never heard before. Its somewhat uncanny how well it expresses the way I perceive Kenny's pain.

As I have said before Kenny never listened much to music with lyrics but he did like to hear the sound of a piano playing. I have listened to the intro of this song at least a dozen times. Kenny would have loved the beginning and the end. Is that a train roaring down the tracks as part 1 fades away?

The song is 'I Won't See You Tonight' by Avenged Sevenfold

These are the lyrics:

"I Won't See You Tonight (Part 1)"

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved

It's building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight

So no breath, no heartache, no pain for him...
Left to me now and forever

At times like these the sorrow only deepens without him,, and it is a sorrow that will never go away-- as the train roars two blocks away.

SERIOUSLY GOD-- WHAT IS THAT ABOUT????????!!!!!!!!!

Until next time 

142* heartbreak day

~ today I was reminded why I stopped making plans.
~ it is 12:07pm and I have not done much today.
~ perhaps it is because of the over-activity of the last week.
~ but I think not
~ I had intentions for the day before...
               last night I told Kenny's story to someone I hadn't seen in years. he did not know Kenny but he knew of him. I showed pictures,, I was strong while telling of what happened-- I did not cry which was a first. However, the more I spoke of him the stronger the sense of his loss became.
               by the time I got home I was kind of numb. I sat frozen on my bed and stared out into nothing for a very long time. well over an hour, sitting with the light on, no t.v., no candle, with Ravenne laying near by. my mind racing with the events of the night. my heart torn between the heartbreak of the past and possibilities of the future.
              finally, I forced myself to put on sleeping clothes. the air was chilly but it hardly fazed me. I returned to Kenny´s room- lit a candle- curled under the blankets- and lay awake for awhile praying to God. I must've asked God a dozen questions and said many prayers during the night. I slept a little, woke up, cried and cried...like I haven't done in months. I talked to Kenny but I didn't notice any signs.I faintly heard his voice, think he made an appearance in one of my dreams. I know the sadness blocks my visions, my acceptance of gifts from the other side-- one would think that the bond of love would overcome that but somehow it doesn't. I have cried most of the day. I don't even try to stop the tears now as I did earlier. What's the point??? they flow and flow down my cheeks,, my eyes feel swollen and my heart feels like it's been through a shredder~~ I tried to get Vincent to give me a hug but he wouldn't. he is not happy I am crying again-- I told him I was sad and that I miss Kenny. it seems even he thinks I should be better by now. will there ever be true healing?? a time when his memories will bring a smile and a sting to my heart instead of total, utter heartbreak?!! Once again, I have fallen into a place of devastation. I wish- for a change- that I did not feel so alone. I know that there is God, and angels and spirits of my loved ones but that is a different realm and my heartbreak is a barrier from such comfort sometimes. like now. I thought I was further along than this-- I thought I was ready to move on...to start over with most of my heart healed. where is the strength I am supposed to possess? I hear it all the time-] people tell me "Annette, you are so strong".
           Well, I guess that's not today.
           I pray for guidance and the courage to face all the changes right in front of me; to accept that my son is better in heaven than he was on earth; to hold onto the love and let go of the loneliness I feel without him. it's a prayer repeated over and over again the past couple years. I hear in my mind 'trust in God and he will guide the way'. I know that is my only hope...

Until a better day~~Love, Hope, Peace,Faith~~ 

141* something about November 29

]]]--November 29, 2013--[[[

so it's been 2 years now that Kenny is gone; sometimes it feels like forever ago and sometimes it feels like time has stood still

today I have been busy packing, packing, packing and cleaning.

yesterday was Thanksgiving again--two years without Kenny>> two years without turkey,, seems very odd to not have any regularity in one of the holidays we liked so much. last year because of the grief and this year because of the craziness.

will it ever seem normal again?? is there any normal? we never have been that normal of a family but that's o.k.-- I'm good with that-- I don't think I like normal all that much but I do like some sort of consistency.

I cooked very little-] in fact other than cornbread, I only made mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie
==========================================================
his room is nearly packed-- it will be empty before the end of the week
it looks different--] the only signs of Kenny are the picture of him and Ben on his t.v. and his element chart that is still on the wall 

now, there is nothing extraordinary about Kenny's t.v.-> other than the warning on it that is! A shining example of Kenny's sense of humor-- see for yourself

the warning on Kenny's t.v.

the element chart is reflected on the screen
I don't want to take it down so I will wait till the last day I think or when I can force myself to do it
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
sad, sad news~~ my uncle died tonight,, same day as Kenny~ different year
______________________________________________________________
movie night was especially touching-- Callie gave me a hug at just the right moment

Vincent and Ben were quite entertaining-- I'm sure Kenny was listening with amusement from somewhere

we watched one of my all time favorite movies =   
 'the Avengers'  -- such a good movie- so much fun!!


************************************************************************ 
December 5,2013

two years ago today, many people gathered in a little chapel to say good-bye to Kenny.

it was an extraordinary event-- it was alive-> heartfelt, painful, caring, humorous, heart-breaking and thoughtful. I am grateful for the friends and family who spoke of the boy I knew-- the young man whom I admired and loved beyond all capacity of reasoning.

there are no limitations on the love I have for my children--> 
I cherish their very existence and hold onto the memories we shared
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
tonight, there was another gathering-- to say good bye to my Tio Manuel

this gathering was somber and quiet-- very different than Kenny's-] remembering the last day I looked at Kenny hits a tender spot in my heart but kind of in a good way-> it still hurts, I still cry and miss him but it does feel a little less broken

and although the healing is very, very slow-- almost like a crawling snail-- at least it's healing and any progress is positive

I have thoughts and plots of pictures and stories to come; I have many incomplete plans for ways to keep Kenny's memories alive. I pray that I make greater strides in the coming year than the past year and that I will continue to heal without losing my connection to Kenny.

Until next time-- Love and Peace...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
In Loving Memory

Manuel Valencia Robles  1946~2013

<3 Thank you for always caring

<3 Thank you for being the first and only Robles to pay condolences when Kenny died

:)  Thank you for all the smiles, laughs, and happy memories

Rest In Peace~~Enjoy Heaven and dancing with my mom

Until we meet again...I will always remember

me:" I love you Tio"
you: "I love you more"

~Tio Manuel and my mom, Noemi~ 1966

                                             

140* no amount of time...

23 months gone away...
still dreaming of  Kenny very often. Its weird that Kenny is always young in my dreams---young and happy}} those were the days! I was thinking today it is unbelievable that its been almost two years without him and how there isn't usually a lot of true meaning when most people say "I can't believe>>" but I really went numb when that thought went through my mind today 

[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..

Finally,I am close to being well after being sick since August>> the herbal formulas my friend Eliora sent me cleared my throat infection
[-----------------------------------------------------------------------..

SO---] I drove my car today for the first time in nearly a month. I was listening to the Beatles and thinking of Kenny as I drove to In-n-Out. It is the only fast food place that me and all my boys agreed on. It still is the first stop Jheremy wants to make every time he comes for a visit. Vincent and I like to eat it from time to time. As I was waiting in the drive-thru I was telling Kenny it was time for In-n-Out thinking of what he would order. It was always a hamburger with grilled onions, an order of fries and a water. If he was really hungry he would get two hamburgers, he never added cheese. He and Vincent ate in the car all the time while I drove. Kenny liked his fries right out of the bag. He didn't use ketchup or any other condiment. For awhile, Vincent ate them with ranch dressing but Kenny never got into it. 
After Kenny died, Jheremy's friend Conor was around alot when Jheremy was here and In-n-Out was a common meal. Conor eats his fries with the animal sauce dressing so we tried that for awhile. I think Kenny would have made some sort of comment about the animal sauce  covering the fries
[----------------------------------------------------------------------..
  

 

 as I was beginning to drive, this baby feather flew on my windshield and stuck there so I pulled over to take a picture. it was right after I thought "I can't believe its been 23 months today"............. 10/29/2013

I spent some time in my car today-- I drove to the tracks where Kenny died. My mind swirling with thoughts of Kenny's walk down the tracks and wondering how he was able to do it. I try to accept his decision to leave this world, to disregard how much I love him,, how much I would miss him--its unfathomable that he could think I would be able to continue a normal life without him. I'm no where near moving on with my life. Every attempt I have made has been an epic fail. There is no normal for me anymore. No semblance of any kind of happiness and deep deep down into my heart I don't know how there ever will be.I know I receive signs from Kenny and I often hear that our loved ones who have crossed over want those left behind to be happy and continue on but it is so much more difficult than anyone can imagine when a heart is smashed to bits and a world is clouded in blackness. My world is black now--it lacks color and depth and meaning. How do I get it back?? A life that's vibrant-- a desire to continue>> I do not know...
I was thinking I try so hard to hold onto him any way I can. I have many keepsakes with me as often as possible and it got me looking around my car so I took pictures of them as I sat in my car today

this is one of the extra large rubber bands from Kenny's collection of rubber bands,, I've had to replace it twice because they become brittle from the sun--   it's time for a new one... 

this is a little caesar's bouncy ball that Kenny got somehow-- I don't remember if I found it in his room or if he left it in my car...

this is the first thing I see when I get into the car- it is wrinkled now because sometimes I hold it or squeeze it while I cry... 

this is a recent addition to my car; when I was packing Kenny's room I decided instead of packing this I would hang it in my car-- it is a gift from Kenny's friend Ariel whom he met at the mental hospital in Ventura>> they kept in touch for more than a year until she was sent away to a place where she could not be contacted.   I, very often wonder what ever happened to Ariel....

I accept that there are questions that will not be answered in this life ...........................................]

I look forward to being with my darling son when this life is over-- I anticipate the feeling of lightness and overwhelming joy...............................................]

and I continue to search for meaning in this life I have been left to live.................................................]

struggling to hold love and light within me................]

until next time 

139* Kenny's 22nd birthday

~ October 15, 2013 ~

I just re-read my blog entry from last year on this day. Its ridiculous to think I feel worse this year than last, but it's true. Today is the second birthday without him and again this year I am sick; only I have been sick for a very long time and I didn't even think of making a single plan. Luckily, I've had this candle sitting around all summer so I used it for Kenny's birthday candle.

I tried to remember how we spent Kenny's last birthday together and other than I know that I made him a cake I can't really remember that day. I hope it comes back to me someday and that my blankness is only a result of me being ill and being temporarily brain dead for the last couple months.

Vincent had his 21st birthday last month so he has officially outlived Kenny by more than a year. I did find myself a little relieved that he lived past the age of 20. It was almost as if I held my breath the entire year he was 20 because I was always worried in the dark recesses of my mind that something would happen to Vincent too. I practically didn't sleep the week before his birthday.

There was no celebration of any kind this year. Mostly because I have been ill. I have no energy, I haven't baked since last spring so he didn't get a cake or cookies. I didn't bake today either. Mostly because I am still ill. I wonder if I will get well or if I will be with Kenny on his next birthday. It somewhat feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. I've been seeing Kenny in my dreams a lot lately and my Grandma Tanis and other loved ones have been visiting me in my dreams. Maybe I am being prepared....I have been fighting to get well but I am weak now, constantly tired and my body is not getting well. I have one last recovery attempt that a friend of mine is sending me: otherwise it seems hopeless.

If I do get well---] next year I am making Kenny a birthday cake! If not, at least I won't be missing him anymore... 

2 feathers from Kenny

138* untitled

~~~ nothing significant this month-- been sick every day and my mind is pretty much brain dead...

the more time goes by, the more I miss having Kenny in my life

- - - san francisco 2008 - - -

 the silliness and laughter have been silenced forever~~

137* it never ends

I hate that Kenny is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that the sadness never goes away!!!!!!!!!!!

why? why?? why???

I AM sooooooo mad>>>I want him back,, I want to talk to him and have him answer me-- 

there are no answers!

I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a Kenny hug'''''''tears'''''''''''