124* Is it progress?

I am so glad to be home, warm in Kenny's bed. I'm watching 'Bones'--a show I like a lot that Kenny sometimes watched with me. 
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When I woke up this morning, I thought "today is Tuesday and its the 29th" same as the day Kenny left this life. I haven't felt his presence lately. So I repeated into the air, "Kenny please be with me today". I think I heard "I'm here mom" but I can't be sure.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I have much trouble getting up lately. Night after night I have nightmares. I wake up feeling horrible, afraid, and paralyzed. Then I go back to sleep and have more nightmares. When morning gets here--I don't want to get out of bed or open my eyes. I lay awake for a long time with my eyes closed and chant to myself,"everythings ok, everythings ok". Sometimes I wonder if its a lie or its the truth.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
The past month has flown by so quickly. I'm getting used to Kenny being gone all the time. I still talk to him often, but there's only silence in return the majority of the time. 
====================================
I don't like thinking that I'm letting go of Kenny. I received a message from a gifted young medium that Kenny wants me to move on--that he wants me to stop replaying his death. So I have spent the past weeks trying not to think of anything about his death. It makes me sad, I don't know if it means I'm letting go of him. I got mad and yelled at him for giving me that message. After all, it was his doing,, and I don't want him to be gone from my life forever.And the sound of the train still drives me crazy-} I want to scream when I hear it or I yell into the air "I CAN'T STAND LISTENING TO YOU ANYMORE--GO AWAY!!!!" or "AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" To me the train is the worst sound I have to hear over and over>>there is no escaping it. Covering my ears and making incomprehensible sounds doesn't help either.
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For the most part, I'm getting back to myself. Not the same exactly but I have no expectation to be the same. I spend more time trying to keep my spiritual side alive as a way to keep myself going  through this life. I go to sessions of sound therapy for energy healing. I always feel better after a session even if I feel terrible when I get there. I also do short meditation nearly every day. Sometimes I feel better temporarily, and sometimes it last a whole day.Its the only way that I feel like I am moving towards some sort of happiness. Without a strong spirit, I will never progress to the next stage of my life.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
So on to another month of life. I look forward to Jheremy coming for a visit next week...
New pictures for sure next month.
I miss writing in the blog because I felt closer to holding on to Kenny and I felt like I was keeping his memory alive.
I don't feel that anymore,,it's rather disappointing.
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So the first month of 2013 is almost over. It certainly is different than a year ago. Not in big ways but in little ways- I get up most days even when I want to stay in bed. I cry for shorter periods of time, although still a day never goes by without tears. And I get dressed more days than I used to,  though there are still times when I stay in my pjs all day and watch television from morning to night. I try not to do that as much, at least now I feel guitly about it where as before all I felt was numbness.

Until next month "PEACE"    
   
   

123* HNY 2013

~~**HAPPY NEW YEAR***2013~~ 

Well-- this is the year for new beginnings. By this time next year I should have a completely transformed life. My leg is healing slowly and so is my heart. Yesterday, I spent the day crying for many reasons and I yelled at God, the world, and Kenny. Today, I thought about all that I want from this life. It is a very lonely place here on this Earth for me now.

Inevitably, it seems I always end up without the people I love. Most of them have crossed over-- someone else whom I love very much is extremely ill and will probably be there soon. Anyway, we are far apart from each other. As it has been for years. Death doesn't seem to have the same effect on me as it once did-- after losing Kenny, there isn't any loss so awful as that of a child. I hurt more that I am away from someone I love while there is still life to live.

I saw Kenny in my dreams again--It was very strange,, I was lost in New Mexico somewhere and it was dark. Then as it was breaking dawn, I was at a gas station in my very own little car with Ravenne. I had been driving alone--but someone was in the back of the car on the phone. I heard someone talking to Ben and it was so bizarre because I could hear my mind say "who could that be? Kenny is dead" then I looked behind my seat and it was a resemblance of Kenny sitting on the back seat of my car looking down at a phone which was much newer and nicer than the one he actually had during life. He didn't look real, but he looked like Kenny--then he floated away and I woke up. That must have been my New Year's Day gift.

Anyway-} I wish all of you a Blessed and Beautiful 2013--} with lots of dreams coming true,, only you can make it happen-} with help from God, Angels, and the Universe**! 

122* 25 months

Well it's the 29th of December again. I completely skipped Christmas this year. Neither Vincent nor I were had an ounce of holiday spirit. Me, mostly because of my injury-- turned out to be more serious than I thought so I have spent the past five weeks trying to heal. This was a year without cookies, cards, gifts, and decorations, not even a tree. It was like Christmas didn't happen, didn't exist. All this taking care of myself is driving me crazy!!!! I am in pain a lot of the time and I am really angry at Kenny for leaving me behind to be in a better place. I hadn't spent much time being angry at Kenny until the last couple of weeks, but of course it figures-- being angry also includes tears''' 

I'm in such a bad mood I feel like I should apologize but I think that one feels how they feel for a reason. In some way, the anger and bitterness is healing to the body--to shed the emotions instead of holding on I suppose...

I am still crying even though an entire year has passed since my son died. It seems something happened in the days before his death. Something that hurt him very badly. I always had a suspicion about that because it was a sudden decision on his part to just say "forget it, I'M DYING NOW". I don't know what it was that happened but someone out there does, someone who knew Kenny,, and Kenny knows too but I guess it doesn't matter now that he is in the spirit world. Nothing can ever bring him back as he was. I sometimes hear him now in an odd sort of way. It's just thoughts in my head> I almost feel like it is just my imagination, maybe it is. Even so, I like it because it feels like Kenny is paying attention to all the craziness he left behind, and in his own way he is still here with me.

I don't want to enter another year without him here in the real world. It's a horrible feeling knowing that 2013 is so close. I am not mentally prepared. 25 months->25 months gone by without him. The pain he escaped is now mine to bear and I pray for the strength and courage to release it completely because I want more of a life than this. I don't know what kind of a life but certainly not this one.

Vincent e-mailed me a video taken of Kenny by his friend Eric. I spent an hour trying to get it onto the blog but I wasn't able to make it happen. It is the second major disappointment in the last two days, although the other was resolved with a happy ending. Maybe I can figure it out for next month, maybe there will be something more to say next month. For now the sadness continues daily; however it does not absorb every moment. I remember more happy memories than I did before and I keep myself on my spiritual track with meditation and prayer. Hope and Faith is all I have to hold myself together.

Kenny S. Cipolla- class of 2010

 Until next time...                  

                                                    

 

    

121* gifts,, and survival

It is December 5, 2012. One year ago, we gathered together to say good-bye to Kenny. Today was nearly as difficult a day. I was emotionally on overdrive and physically in pain. I did not expect to be so overcome with sadness and I did expect to accomplish many things which I didn't. I think I must let go of expectations, for they always seem to be wrong.

I have decided to continue the blog with an entry on the 29th of each month for the next year. In addition, I will continue to light a candle in Kenny's memory on the 29th of each month. I still have much work to do on my healing path. I have made tremendous progress from a year ago to now. I am rekindling my spiritual awareness and healing the hole in my heart. I am curious as to how it will all unfold and look forward to sharing my personal journey of surviving the tragedy of losing my beloved son.

I feel close to Kenny once again; although not quite in the same way. I feel as if Kenny has given me the gift of survival and indeed it is a rare and precious gift. I feel blessed-- I thank G-d, the Universe, the Angelic realm, and my soul for pulling me through all my dark, dark hours. But most of all I thank my son Kenny for allowing me to love him so much in life that I did not come to hate him in death. He is just as special to me now as he always has been from the day he was born. In a strange way that is also a gift- having known him from the day he was born until the day he died. I cannot say that of any other human I have known in this lifetime. 

Until December 29th...
   Love, Peace, and Blessings to all

~*~*~ gifts ~*~*~*

this is a pin that Ben gave me because it kinda looks like a yin-yang. it is very cool- I like it lots and it is going on my favorite 
hat--} THANK YOU BEN!!    

this is a vile that Eliora gave to me. I filled it with Kenny's ashes-- I hope to make it into a bracelet so I can have Kenny near me anytime I want. results to come in the 
future--} THANK YOU ELIORA!!

These two next pictures are from the happiest times in Kenny's life so I feel it is important to include them in his blog.    

-*Ben, Kenny, Callie, Amy- BHS class of 2010*-

                     

--On a hike-Kenny w/stick, Ben, Zac--summer 2011--

 

120* Kenny's good-bye service and end of year 1

"Happiness is what you make it to be" - Kenny Cipolla 

Love to you Kenny<3-- I will always, always love you and hold you in my heart. Someday we will meet again on the other side of this life, and maybe even in this one. I am waiting--thank you for coming to see me in my dream- you faded away but I caught a smile. Watch over us, never leave me completely for my life simply needs you to feel right.            
 ****************************************<3
     With each quiet moment the tears stream down my face, the sobs begin, and new cracks etch their way into my heart. It is the 1year anniversary of my son's death. At this hour, one year ago I knew Kenny had left this Earth permanently. Amazingly, a year has passed and I do not feel healed. Partially,maybe, yet no where near completely.
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    It's been hours since I began typing,,I couldn't do it and I had to get out of the house because I was starting to fall apart. I wanted to be strong today--I told myself I was going to be, however I knew it was a lie the moment I woke up. I honestly did not expect it to be a day filled with tears, however that's what it's been. There were no major plans made because I had many plans for Kenny's birthday and most of them fell through>>I did not want to be disappointed again; it was better for me this way.
****************************************<3  
   I drove and drove with no particular destination, eventually I ended up on Browning Avenue, behind Bullard High School. It is a street I have avoided for the past year. I parked and wailed for about five minutes; then I walked the campus a bit--it has changed very much since last year. The high school was a place I couldn't bring myself to go to--walking there tonight was an important healing step for me. I have been nearly everyplace Kenny frequented, and even though at moments I feel like passing out I am still breathing, still capable of movement, and still full of feeling. I think it is imperative for life to be able to feel emotion and movement and the neurons sparking in my brain. There is a lot of energetic movement in my head--must be coming back to life.
****************************************<3
  As a way of honoring Kenny's memory I wanted to complete an act of unexpected kindness. For this I made a print of the last picture I took of Jheremy, Kenny, and Vincent with their Grandpa Ken and put it in a frame which I took to their dad's house and left it for him. It is a picture he had never seen. I think he will like very much to have it. I hope I am right.
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   I realize there are many more acts I want to complete as part of my healing. It is astonishing that an entire year has passed with so few of the things I hoped to have done actually completed. The greatest difference in what lies ahead for me is that I will start off the next year in a much stronger place both emotionally and spiritually. Although the waves of sadness still rock my world,,they are less frequent and weaker than they once were. I am sure I can get thru any more that hit me. Several months ago, I thought for sure I would not be able to get thru another day. I wanted to depart life as my son did--now I want to live as my son did not. While the heartache remains and the hole in my heart still exists I have a renewed sense of determination to go on--to continue my journey of healing and creating a joyful life.
******************************************<3  
   I feel a little bit of Kenny's energy around me--the comfort is indescribable...
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   I'm not sure I want this to be the end of the blog-> update to follow on December 5th...

 Kenny's Senior picture and daisies from Callie

  

[[KENNY'S GOODBYE SERVICE]]
   On the afternoon of December 5, 2011 we had a good-bye gathering for Kenny. The picture to the right was on the cover of his service pamphlet. The picture at the beginning of this entry was on the back with the quote I took from an English essay he had written mere weeks before he ended his life. 
   Dozens and dozens of people came together in the tiny chapel on the West Side of Fresno to say goodbye to my beloved son. I have been to many, many funerals and memorials during my life but none as simple nor as heart filled as the one for Kenny. It was only a room, with benches and an isle leading to a podium for people to speak. There was no service, no mass or video. We expected a few people aside from family so the turnout was astonishing. Kenny was laying on a table made to look like a bed. He was at the very far end of the room. Not many people walked close enough to get a clear look at him for they knew how he died. He wore one of his black hats and his Atomic Wheel shirt with a long-sleeved black button down shirt over it, as he would have if he were alive so people could see it was him from afar. I warned mi Mama not to go up because it was a bit of a gruesome sight through the makeup and repair work. However, to me, he was still my beautiful boy whom I loved beyond words. I kissed his make believe hand and his cold cheek. I twisted my fingers in his curls and talked to him for the few precious minutes I had alone with him.
    I had put together a photo book and a couple of multi-slotted frames with many different pictures of Kenny from birth to his last days. Lots of people looked at the pictures. The room filled slowly, people were sitting and speaking amongst themselves almost in whispers. It was getting to be uncomfortable. I was trying to greet as many people as I could that I knew. I made it a point to personally thank every person for coming. I knew practically everyone who showed up. There were so many people from Bullard High--I was honored that they came to see Kenny because it had been over a year since he had graduated from high school. Teachers, counselors, class-mates showed up; even young men from his childhood days were there. Everyone sitting,, not knowing what to do. I said a few words early on before the room was filled, then no one went up to speak for the longest time. Finally, Johan's parents- Angela and Leo asked if they could read a poem}} I WAS SO GRATEFUL!!! because I was feeling overwhelmed and confused about what to do to move things along. That was the breakthrough...then it all began. Person after person walked to the podium and shared their memories about Kenny with the entire room. There were tears shed, and smiles shared, even a few laughs. It was the most heart-warming service I have ever attended. Kenny's teachers and friends, childhood buddies, Vincent's friends- and our family went up to talk. If there was ever an occasion I wish I had a video for, this is the one that I will always wish for.
   It was evident that Kenny touched more lives than he ever imagined. When Vincent was speaking of how he had known Kenny since the first day of his life and that he didn't know what to do now because he lost his other half, his voice broke and tears welled up in eyes--in an instant Jheremy, Johan and Rob and I circled around him and hugged him. It is the only time Vincent has ever allowed a hug in public! It is a moment I hold dear to my heart. 
   It was a very special and meaningful goodbye. It was more than I wanted-better than I ever thought possible because all that truly mattered to me was that I get to see my darling child one more time before he was burned to ash. The gift of his gathering was so much more than that--and true to my wish, every single person there was someone who knew Kenny. That was my strongest desire and that is how it happened!! Kenny was given a beautiful send off into the spirit world and I believe it is a little piece of treasure those of us who love him can cherish.  

1. December 5, 2011

   

   Kenny: drawn by Rob Mawhinney

   
   

                
 This is a picture drawn by Vincent's friend Rob which he gave to me at the good-bye gathering. It is another example of an inspired tribute to Kenny. THANK YOU ROB!! He also posted it to Kenny's facebook page.

I am honored to say that my son Kenny will always have a place in the world. He will be remembered, not only in my mind and those who also loved him; in addition he is now a part of the internet world. I have learned so much, pushed myself far beyond my computer limits in order to put this blog together. The possibilities of love are endless--this blog has proven that to me. For I love my son so much, I made myself learn how to download pictures and e-mail them and transfer from my camera> and post them on the blog, compile and move them. It has been quite the little adventure; I must say, I truly surprised myself and am thankful for all that I learned and accomplished.

~*~ I SURVIVED THE FIRST YEAR ~*~
it is an amazing feat, there were many many moments when I thought I couldn't do it.
In closing I would like to thank the following people for their love, prayers, hugs, support, listening ears, and inspiring words...I could not have survived this year without you:
   mi Mama-> Matthew-> Jheremy-> Vincent-> Melissa-> Eliora-> Angela-> Marissa-> Ben-> Callie-> Dr. Salo-> Tricia-> Misty  
Love and Blessings to you all!!!! <3

Element of the day(day 120) as it turned out, my original calculation was correct- 120 days from the first day of the blog till the one year anniversary of his crossing over to the other side and 120 squares on the Periodic Table -- TRULY AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Definitely a sign from Kenny
#118) Uuo- Ununoctium-] radioactive    
Reported in 1999, delisted in 2002.
Reported again in 2006.