124* Is it progress?

I am so glad to be home, warm in Kenny's bed. I'm watching 'Bones'--a show I like a lot that Kenny sometimes watched with me. 
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When I woke up this morning, I thought "today is Tuesday and its the 29th" same as the day Kenny left this life. I haven't felt his presence lately. So I repeated into the air, "Kenny please be with me today". I think I heard "I'm here mom" but I can't be sure.
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I have much trouble getting up lately. Night after night I have nightmares. I wake up feeling horrible, afraid, and paralyzed. Then I go back to sleep and have more nightmares. When morning gets here--I don't want to get out of bed or open my eyes. I lay awake for a long time with my eyes closed and chant to myself,"everythings ok, everythings ok". Sometimes I wonder if its a lie or its the truth.
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The past month has flown by so quickly. I'm getting used to Kenny being gone all the time. I still talk to him often, but there's only silence in return the majority of the time. 
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I don't like thinking that I'm letting go of Kenny. I received a message from a gifted young medium that Kenny wants me to move on--that he wants me to stop replaying his death. So I have spent the past weeks trying not to think of anything about his death. It makes me sad, I don't know if it means I'm letting go of him. I got mad and yelled at him for giving me that message. After all, it was his doing,, and I don't want him to be gone from my life forever.And the sound of the train still drives me crazy-} I want to scream when I hear it or I yell into the air "I CAN'T STAND LISTENING TO YOU ANYMORE--GO AWAY!!!!" or "AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" To me the train is the worst sound I have to hear over and over>>there is no escaping it. Covering my ears and making incomprehensible sounds doesn't help either.
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For the most part, I'm getting back to myself. Not the same exactly but I have no expectation to be the same. I spend more time trying to keep my spiritual side alive as a way to keep myself going  through this life. I go to sessions of sound therapy for energy healing. I always feel better after a session even if I feel terrible when I get there. I also do short meditation nearly every day. Sometimes I feel better temporarily, and sometimes it last a whole day.Its the only way that I feel like I am moving towards some sort of happiness. Without a strong spirit, I will never progress to the next stage of my life.
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So on to another month of life. I look forward to Jheremy coming for a visit next week...
New pictures for sure next month.
I miss writing in the blog because I felt closer to holding on to Kenny and I felt like I was keeping his memory alive.
I don't feel that anymore,,it's rather disappointing.
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So the first month of 2013 is almost over. It certainly is different than a year ago. Not in big ways but in little ways- I get up most days even when I want to stay in bed. I cry for shorter periods of time, although still a day never goes by without tears. And I get dressed more days than I used to,  though there are still times when I stay in my pjs all day and watch television from morning to night. I try not to do that as much, at least now I feel guitly about it where as before all I felt was numbness.

Until next month "PEACE"