122* 25 months

Well it's the 29th of December again. I completely skipped Christmas this year. Neither Vincent nor I were had an ounce of holiday spirit. Me, mostly because of my injury-- turned out to be more serious than I thought so I have spent the past five weeks trying to heal. This was a year without cookies, cards, gifts, and decorations, not even a tree. It was like Christmas didn't happen, didn't exist. All this taking care of myself is driving me crazy!!!! I am in pain a lot of the time and I am really angry at Kenny for leaving me behind to be in a better place. I hadn't spent much time being angry at Kenny until the last couple of weeks, but of course it figures-- being angry also includes tears''' 

I'm in such a bad mood I feel like I should apologize but I think that one feels how they feel for a reason. In some way, the anger and bitterness is healing to the body--to shed the emotions instead of holding on I suppose...

I am still crying even though an entire year has passed since my son died. It seems something happened in the days before his death. Something that hurt him very badly. I always had a suspicion about that because it was a sudden decision on his part to just say "forget it, I'M DYING NOW". I don't know what it was that happened but someone out there does, someone who knew Kenny,, and Kenny knows too but I guess it doesn't matter now that he is in the spirit world. Nothing can ever bring him back as he was. I sometimes hear him now in an odd sort of way. It's just thoughts in my head> I almost feel like it is just my imagination, maybe it is. Even so, I like it because it feels like Kenny is paying attention to all the craziness he left behind, and in his own way he is still here with me.

I don't want to enter another year without him here in the real world. It's a horrible feeling knowing that 2013 is so close. I am not mentally prepared. 25 months->25 months gone by without him. The pain he escaped is now mine to bear and I pray for the strength and courage to release it completely because I want more of a life than this. I don't know what kind of a life but certainly not this one.

Vincent e-mailed me a video taken of Kenny by his friend Eric. I spent an hour trying to get it onto the blog but I wasn't able to make it happen. It is the second major disappointment in the last two days, although the other was resolved with a happy ending. Maybe I can figure it out for next month, maybe there will be something more to say next month. For now the sadness continues daily; however it does not absorb every moment. I remember more happy memories than I did before and I keep myself on my spiritual track with meditation and prayer. Hope and Faith is all I have to hold myself together.

Kenny S. Cipolla- class of 2010

 Until next time...