171* bright clouds, dark clouds, 7 years

BRIGHT CLOUDS  11/29/18 1:50pm

DARK CLOUDS  11/29/18 12:47pm

today was a very stormy day with lots of rain. I was out a good part of the day. I had planned on driving to the Elfin Forest in Los Osos but decided against it due to the weather.

good decision, I think because I got drenched when I went to the beach. I remember Kenny and I being silly in the rain. I'm pretty sure he liked the rain as much as I did. puddles were splashed in and we would spin on the front lawn with our arms stretched out and head back so the raindrops landed on our face. eyes closed, of course. I love going for drives in a storm so I took a drive with a small jar of Kenny's ashes. as I poured them from the urn to the jar I took notice that the fragments look like bone. I remember the first time I took ashes from the urn being taken aback by the sight. I always expect more of a powder consistency. anyway, we drove a couple towns away to buy KFC chicken-- a delicious food we enjoyed fairly often. always has to be original recipe. I rarely eat it now. there were quite a few cloud bursts with heavy rain on the freeway. I could barely see. it was wonderful except the winds were so strong they were swaying my little car. I love my little car-- Kenny was with me when I first drove her and I have many memories of us going places together in her. it may seem absurd but I have every intention of keeping her as long as I am driving. even though she is old and needs work all the time. I named her Lil Miss Ub~ short for obsidian with a 'u' in place of the 'o'. I was wondering the other day if I had her named when Kenny was alive. it's unnerving that I can't remember. the driving trip ended near where I live at Grover beach where I go on a regular basis, a place Kenny loved a lot. the palm trees were waving in the wind. I sat in the car for a short time. the clouds were clearing a bit so I moved along to the lookout spot being pushed by the wind almost like a kite.
just as I stopped I was attacked by a downpour and my jeans were so wet I looked like I had fallen into the ocean by the time I made it to my car. it was difficult getting a picture; nevertheless, I think it's so cool that I have a picture with raindrops on Kenny's jar. a stormy day we shared driving through bright and dark clouds, being pounded by rain and whooshed in the wind. we almost had it all; however, I never saw a rainbow. I looked about but didn't catch a glimpse of one. 7 years gone and the weather was stormy and fabulous! what a great resemblance to the inner being of my son. storms brewing within his spirit that only he knew existed. storms never understood, never fully released. there was a look in his eyes that I will never forget when he closed the door the last time he left the house. it was a glint, almost a telling that I did not comprehend as he was closing the door. but I get it now. there was a goodbye in his eyes when he said "bye mom" with a casualness that was very Kenny-like. I will not spend my days feeling the despair of missing that last sign anymore because it wasn't meant for me to catch it then. my son had to set his spirit free. for him, there was no peace and he spent many years trying to find happiness by making others happy but it was not enough to contain those storms that would not settle and for whatever reason that final day was when his heart combusted and his mind erupted and the train crushed him and ended his breathing as he wanted. I could not save him. for five years I was able to get him to hold on but that was not enough time for him to realize his worth. and now it has been seven years without him and that has not been enough time for me to understand any better those last days that still haunt me. that will continue to haunt me until I can ask him for myself. and it is not enough time for me to stop missing him with every passing day-* not enough time to stop wishing I could have a day for a road trip and conversation-* a moment to hear his infectious laugh-* or a few minutes to watch him do some silly dance to gaming music. these things I will always long for, will miss out on forever because storms cannot be contained. such is life,, and there will be rain as there will be tears. then there will be a short time of calm~~ rhythms of storms and life.
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I was reading posts from past anniversaries. A common theme is connection through food and that is the same for this year. Other than getting KFC>> I also made a pumpkin pie with homemade crust. If you've read entries from long ago you may remember that pumpkin pie was Kenny's favorite. Actually, other than chocolate cream it  may be the only pie he liked. {note to self: chocolate pie for next year} On Tuesday, November 29th 2011--Kenny had a slice of pumpkin pie and bowl of cereal for breakfast before he left. I had a slice of pie late into the evening. Good way to end today.
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 ⥢YOGI PHILOSOPHY⥤ inscriptions on tea tags 💜
In my opinion~ coffee is the drink of the physical mind-- absolutely necessary for daily function. Tea is the drink of the spiritual mind-- to calm when in overload~ reflect when relaxing~ to inspire what is dwelling inside the soul...

 these are words that would have benefited Kenny greatly for what he gave in kindness to others he lacked in compassion for himself

live in your strength

   this tag fell in my tea and wrinkled  when I tried to straighten it, it tore yet it stayed together when it dried must mean strength is in the whole regardless of  imperfections and we would benefit from living in what makes us feel whole

  this is my favorite saying of the week for I truly believe that each person has light inside and if we are able to tap into it; we can all be beacons in the world. Kenny definitely was and I try to be

Until next time...  

       spread 
Lots of Love & Light
                   into the world

170* On his 27th birthday

October 6, 2018

This has been a month of change for me~> a month of renewing my spirit and faith in the ability to conquer the trials of life. In doing so I have felt Kenny near me in a way I hadn't  in a very long time. I know he is around when I receive random signs. The golden feather came to me at the Dollar Tree. I was looking at a display and this feather was all alone. It had been broken off a trinket dish. I know this because on the other side of the display was an unbroken dish. I took both the dish and the golden feather with me to the cashier. I explained how I found it and asked if I could buy only the feather. I offered to pay the full dollar, but she had to call the manager. I repeated the story. The manager said she had seen the dish and that it would have to be damaged out. Luckily, she allowed me to buy the lone feather for 50 cents. For a couple minutes I thought she was going to say I couldn't purchase it. The special thing is feathers are among my most spiritual signs from Kenny and a golden feather would be something Kenny would have loved. I don't have any other golden feathers. It's strange in a way, now that I think about it; because, I did ask Kenny for a different kind of feather. I always find variations of gray feathers and I wanted something special. I was thinking like a blue or red feather, but golden-- Wow, that is special! I can imagine it on his bedpost with his many random objects if he were still here. Instead it stands next to his urn as another reminder he still hears me.
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As I was laying in bed I was thinking 'why is it so important that I receive signs from Kenny?' How does it impact my life?  Why does it matter so much? There are times when I am praying-- please give me a sign, let me know you are here. And then it came to me~~ it's not just about spirit being validated,, knowing there is more beyond this earthly existence. It's a way of keeping Kenny alive>>to have more stories to tell. Although I'd much rather have him breathing and to have a real conversation; at least through signs I can feel his presence. I can ask him, as I do, to be with me as I cope with the endless hardships of life. To ask my son to watch over his brother because I can not reach him. I cannot save him, and I don't know if I can survive another loss like that... in a small way the signs alleviate a tid bit of the fears that are always present in the back of my mind. They strengthen my faith and give me something to share with whoever reads this blog. And I need that faith to survive. To feel life in my soul because without it I feel darkness and sadness, and it is so easy to give up. To want to say good-bye the way Kenny did. But I fight those feelings because in the same way I don't know what I'd do if I lost another son-- I don't know how my sons would survive if they lost me. What would that say to them? If I truly gave up...
So I ask for signs and I am grateful when I get them~ I smile, my heart swells with joy and I hold on for awhile longer. 


penny and dimes~~~~~$~~~~~

I found a dime on the sidewalk next to my car as I was leaving yesterday evening. I thought to myself "10 pennies from heaven"(meaning Kenny)so I took a picture as I often do to remember the moment. Then I went to pick it up, but I couldn't because it was glued to the ground. I laughed and thought of Kenny laughing.

dime glued to sidewalk

Every year on October 15 and November 29, I ask Kenny for an obvious sign he is still around in spirit. Today I was blessed with such a sign.
A little background story,,since Kenny left us in 2011 whenever I find a random penny I pick it up and call it a 'Kenny penny'-taking it as a sign Kenny is with me. After a few years, I started finding dimes and I would pick them up, saying "10 pennies from Kenny". Never before today had I found both in the same place; nevertheless, I always keep a dime and penny together on my dresser.
Anyway, early this morning I went to put gas in my car and buy coffee at the AM/PM. They have a card program-buy four coffees, get the fifth one free. I forgot my card in the ashtray and as I was walking back I looked down to step up on the curb in front of my car and I saw a random penny and a dime near each other. So, of course I took a picture and put them in my pocket.Tearing up, I said "thank you Kenny" and now I say "it was an excellent sign, I love you and miss you so much my darling son~* Happy 27th Birthday"

penny                   < 10/25/18>                        dime

*~ October 15, 2018 ~*

In memory of Kenny, I created this special space today with a root beer candle that fills the room with the aroma of my son's favorite drink.And his urn with ghost light because Halloween was his favorite holiday. The feathers I find I keep next to his urn and the last memory candle from our home where we no longer live is among the trinkets. Until the next time we meet >*> you are a part of my soul and forever in my heart my darling son. 

Jheremy in NY

me in Grover Beach

To Kenny -> this root beer
is for you: 
unfortunately, Vincent wasn't able to participate this year but he's with us in spirit. This is our family tradition on Kenny's b-day                          

 And to all~ Love*Peace*Inspiration*

169* rainbow donuts and brokenness

~~November 29, 2017~~

People think as time passes it  gets easier- that the pain  weakens but it does not. i never  know how the heartache will hit  me.
I can plan for a day of  remembrance or celebration to  honor the son I lost to the evils  of the world. Then, as today, the  day comes and the pain strikes  so hard it paralyzes my mind  and  all I can do is curl up in my  bed and cry. 
There are no words to explain, to convey or conquer the  brokenness I feel inside myself. I endure the pain, fight  to ignore the sadness in my daily life but it will never  leave me. 
In the picture to the left,the feathers on the dresser and  sticking out of Kenny's urn are those I collected this  year. Also in the picture are the bottle-caps I added to  Kenny's collection.   Each year it gets a little more  challenging to find new  bottle-caps but I did find some  really cool  ones  on the beach since 11-29-16.
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~
Although some plans fell through today, I did make a trip to San Luis Obispo to buy special donuts at a place called SLO DO CO.
I discovered these donuts about a month ago. I have yet to taste one but just looking at them I know Kenny would have loved them! The name of these donuts are Rainbow Galaxy with marshmallow frosting}} even the name is cool enough to make Kenny smile; which, naturally made me smile and even giggle a little. While I was sitting in my car just about to leave-> I asked Kenny to give me a sign he was with me. So, I set my google maps to the SLO DO CO and began the drive. I thought it odd when the exit was Broad Street, but I had never driven there directly so I followed the guided directions. After exiting, there was one turn after another~ right turn, then left, then right again. I had to have taken at least a half dozen turns. It was like going through a maze. I began to get annoyed, then chuckled as I remembered I asked for a sign. Mazes were a thing for Kenny. When he was young he would design one maze game after another for hours. When he had three or more completed, he would bring them for me to play. I'm sure I have some of them packed away in storage and I will smile through tears when I see them again.  

The donuts reminded me of this peace sign that belonged to 

Kenny

I'm listening to new music as I am writing this blog entry. A violinist name Lindsey Stirling. I think Kenny would think she is amazing, which she completely is. He might even have a crush on her. As I get older and time passes I think of all that is lost, all that never had a chance to happen. I will never know what future he would have had; how many more lives he would have touched=] I will never know the girl who would have loved him, the honor of a first dance at his wedding, or the joy of holding a grandchild.
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I still try to find ways to keep Kenny alive in my life. Like finding random feathers and new things he would like. I saw a new Monopoly game and thought I would have bought that for Kenny and a rake shaped back scratcher. He would have been amused by it.

This particular year has been quite challenging as evidenced by my complete lack of blogging. Changes and challenges continue to be a constant in my life. A knee injury requiring surgery and a very long recovery time had a serious impact on most of my year. Most of the year I felt lost and broken.

Additionally, two Kenny items broke. A few months ago, I looked down at my Kenny necklace and noticed it was open. After four years the glue had come loose and all the contents had fallen out except the peace sign and a tiny clump of his ashes. In a way I think Kenny saved the peace sign and mini ash clump. I don't know how long it had been open but I had just driven a couple places so it could have been awhile. A very close friend of mine painted the peace sign black for me and I put the locket back together adding more of Kenny's ashes.

Another item that broke was the surfboard memento I had hanging in my car.After years of swinging back and forth on the mirror the cord broke and it fell without losing a single bead. It was one that belonged to Kenny given to him from a friend he met in the mental hospital he stayed in. I also fixed that today. It was important to have it done and in a short while I will go hang it in my car once again.

fixed surfboard string

There are still reminders all the time, sayings or pictures. Sometimes unsuspecting items that I think he would have liked that I would love to share with him. I frequently go to the dunes he loved so much and stare at the stars in the night sky. I whisper "I miss you" or yell "I love you Kenny" into the universe knowing he can hear me somewhere in the vastness of the universe where his spirit is traveling. I remember the loving, giving person Kenny was- the kindness in his soul like no other human I have ever known and I feel how much is missing from my life without him. I allow the tears, the giggles, the conversations with his invisible self, the memories and the occasional unusual dance movements~~ and that is how I continue to stay connected to my beloved son Kenny. I will always...

And now, as Kenny would say: peace, and from me: love

 Until next time

 

168* candies, Colbert, and a candle

At midnight, the beginning of this 29th day of November on a Tuesday in the year 2016AD~ I sat on a couch to watch The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. This was one of Kenny's nightly rituals and I'm sure if he were alive now that's what he would have been doing. I hadn't watched it at all this year. The episode turned out to be a re-run from Sept. 20, 2016. The following is a partial excerpt from a segment of the show that had me laughing, and I think Kenny was laughing along with me:
Stephen Colbert slams Donald Trump Jr. over Skittles meme

The host then spoke directly to the camera to address Trump Jr., using candy props to help drive his point home. “Listen up, Airhead. Reducing political problems to candy is Nutrageous. Anyone with an ounce of Smarties is Snickering at you, because you are alienating a lot of Peeps. Where does it end? Do we keep out Swedish Fisherman, or gay couples like Mike & Ike. You’re just trying to Skor a cheap political Payday with this Whooper, Dum Dum.”~~ source (http://www.ew.com/article/2016/09/21/stephen-colbert-donald-trump-jr-skittles)

Normally, I don't post anything political~this is merely for the comedy factor. And it got me thinking about which of those candies Kenny liked eating. Colbert mentioned three of Kenny's favorites and another that he ate often, mostly because they were almost always in our candy jar. (A Mexican bean pot that has been packed away for far too long)
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However,, before I go there-- let me share a little about this year's blog adventure, or shall I say "lack there of ?" There's been very little opportunity to write this year. It is something which has; at times ridden me with extreme guilt, especially on Kenny's 25th birthday. At that time I did not have a working computer so blog writing was not an option. Last week, my laptop was put into commission again!!! :) :) :) Thanks to Vincent and a little divine intervention I think. Anyway, since then I have been re-reading many of my past entries. Back to the beginning> and I think I shall try to reinstate the 'Random Topic' as often as possible because it fits  Kenny's personality so well and there seems to be a bit of him missing.
[--- RANDOM TOPIC ---] CANDIES 

Kenny's fave Peeps

As earlier stated, Colbert mentioned four candies Kenny thoroughly enjoyed. I will start with the one he ate least often, as it is a seasonal candy.
1) Peeps> Kenny was a big fan of marshmallow-- he loved rice krispie treats and smores. He rarely ate chocolate candy unless it was melted with marshmallows and graham crackers. He was highly excited when Halloween peeps came into existence. Late childhood I think? Maybe the tween years...(:^/)

??? Of course his fave

2) Airheads> I remember well the Airheads faze. Kenny and Vincent would buy 6 packs all the time and Kenny was always most happy if he got the white mystery flavor. Naturally that would be his favorite, as was the random button on video game selections. Was it the element of surprise he enjoyed?

from the candy jar...

 3) Smarties> I can't say any of us loved these candies, but I can say we could not keep them in the candy jar. They are so tiny, tart, and easy to pop into your mouth. Quite addicting for sure! I started out buying one bag weekly to put in the jar and within a month it was two bags, then three. Three rolls at a time- that's how to eat them...

All time favorite

4) Swedish Fish> I can't remember where Kenny first tried these- school? party? Ben? But I remember him eating them all the time when we would watch t.v. shows together or 'Harry Potter' movies}- practically the only movies he would ever watch. At the time I was a Red Vine fanatic, but one night I didn't have any and Kenny offered me some of his favorite candy. I mean, they were the right color so I gave them a try. I was not an immediate fan, although it didn't take too many tries. Now they are one of my faves also. In fact, I've been eating them as I have been typing.
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Time is flying~~~~~ so I will continue. 

This is the corner of a shelf where I keep the few mementos of Kenny's that I have here with me. His table is still at mi Mama's as I have no place of my own. His wallet, peace sign and a small jar with his ashes are kept close together. I have found a few feathers the last few months so I added them. Today, I took out his senior pic from

his wallet and made a small display in his memory. And I was finally able to light a candle for him. The first candle lighting since I moved to the coast. I had some trouble getting the wick to stay lit. I had to light it three times and was about to burst into full tear mode so I closed my eyes and sat on the bed asking him to give me a sign with the candle that he was here. When I opened my eyes the flame was shining bright and I took this picture. The candle is burnt but the flame is still bright.

As each of the past five years have been, this one has been extremely challenging. I feel as if I have not been very alive except in very short periods of time. I have given up hope so many times, especially in the last six weeks. I know I have missed dozens of signs because my faith has been low. Yet, I survived another year. For me, getting through a year means living through November 29th. There were tears and headaches and everyday difficulties,but I made it through. And I was able to complete the two tasks I wanted the most. To honor my son's memory with a blog entry and a candle.
For inspiration and hope Kenny's beautiful spirit gave me a flame to light my way... and this feather I found after going to fetch my landlady's dog across the street at the neighbors.

A feather from heaven 11/29/16

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As another 29th of November comes to an end- I am grateful for the healing power of this blog. It might not always meet my expectations>>> the stories may not always flow>>> but my heart feels slightly more healed with every entry,, and my spirit just a bit more renewed. It is the strongest connection I have with Kenny, a place for me to remember the best times of my life, and to share them with whoever happens to read.
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Oh! I almost forgot today's fortune. Also, in memory of Kenny I ate a bowl of noodles, rice, and orange chicken. He loved orange chicken. His favorite place was called Cal Wok back home. It's no longer in business- we went there fairly regularly so there was sadness when I heard it had closed. I don't eat fortune cookies so; in keeping with our practice, I broke open the fortune cookie, set it aside and read the fortune. Seems fitting enough:

Until next time... a sign of peace~ a wish for hope, happiness, faith, and most of all ♥ love~ 

 

167* A day late

 

51 months since the tragedy that changed my life.

I am so upset with myself right now, but I think I will have to accept that for this year I will have to get the blog done when I am mentally capable and can make the time during this hectic period of my life.

On my personal journey to recovery I am for the first time since Kenny's death changing my life by choice instead of circumstance. It is an extremely tiring schedule with very little time for  rest or unwinding. It is also the most gratifying experience I have brought into my life in many years. 

I am pursuing a new career~~ one that I believe will eventually lead me to fulfill my lifetime dream of working in the art of healing the spirit. I once thought I would complete that work through healing the mind; however life has lead me to begin through the means of healing the body. In this pursuit I am in the process of receiving the education necessary to becoming an esthetician, which will allow me to do facial and head massage as well as complete body and skin treatments. This is step one of my plan. Skin being the largest organ on the body is exactly the right place to start because it affects our overall being more than most people realize. Once I am established in this industry I will pursue my license for becoming a massage therapist. After I have both licenses I will be able to work as a full body healer. Then I will incorporate energy healing. I will have to allow the universe to lead me in the direction that is best suited for me to make a positive impact in this world, so at the current time I am not sure in which capacity I will include energy healing. However, my interests are many ~ light healing, crystal healing, sound healing...

Anyway for the following months to come I am putting in 31-37 hours in school in addition to working approximately 25 hours a week and commuting 2&1/2 hours a day five days a week. Needless to say most of my energy is spent with these daily activities, not to mention homework and studying. Incredibly,, for the most part I am loving it despite the exhaustion.

Unfortunately, it also means that I am typing this blog entry at 2:27 am the morning after leap year has ended. I hate that I missed such a special day for writing especially because it is the first leap year since the year following Kenny's passing into the spirit world. I don't believe I received a single sign from Kenny. In fact it seems like it has been a while... OH Actually, oddly enough I just remembered something. I was drinking a bottle of water when I dropped my cap and it rolled under the bed. When I went to get it> amongst the dust was a single lone penny. I meant to get a picture but I forgot. I think I will try to take one now. Not sure 

how well it will show in the darkness...

as I thought, total darkness; but as I went to retrieve this picture I saw another with three pennies I know I took earlier this year. I had forgotten all about it. I am grateful to be wrong about my thought that the signs were not being received. I will pay close attention so I don't miss any.

Until next time....I LOVE YOU KENNY and 

                                    MISS YOU VERY VERY MUCH <3 Wish you had been here to see this with me...

Sunset @ Grover Beach 2016

  

 

166 quotes and feelings

I have no idea how this blog will progress this year. 
I've been thinking that I have desire to continue,, but unsure how to best relate what is in my heart.

There is so much lacking of Kenny. Nearly everything he left behind is still packed in storage. I have so many stories packed away. Remnants and memorabilia of experiences I long to remember and share.

Still figuring out how to make that possible. The one significant change in the signs I believe are from Kenny is that I rarely find pennies anymore. There were a few days when I found nickels instead of pennies after asking Kenny for a sign. Then I would think five pennies from heaven instead of one. Could it be because it is the fifth year without him?
 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
As for this month-- I am going to post sayings that reflect the way I have been feeling the last month. 
Sometimes my feelings are better expressed from another source.

I've always believed the feathers I used to find all the time were signs from Kenny. Someday, I will tattoo a replica of the blue feather from Kenny on my forearm.

The first saying mi mama gave me years ago. The part that really gets to me is the 'you never said Goodbye'. To this day I feel like I didn't get a goodbye. I only got a lost look, somewhat of a smirk really.
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 Always, always....
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 Hopefully,, someday....
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Until next time,, as Kenny would say