171* bright clouds, dark clouds, 7 years

BRIGHT CLOUDS  11/29/18 1:50pm

DARK CLOUDS  11/29/18 12:47pm

today was a very stormy day with lots of rain. I was out a good part of the day. I had planned on driving to the Elfin Forest in Los Osos but decided against it due to the weather.

good decision, I think because I got drenched when I went to the beach. I remember Kenny and I being silly in the rain. I'm pretty sure he liked the rain as much as I did. puddles were splashed in and we would spin on the front lawn with our arms stretched out and head back so the raindrops landed on our face. eyes closed, of course. I love going for drives in a storm so I took a drive with a small jar of Kenny's ashes. as I poured them from the urn to the jar I took notice that the fragments look like bone. I remember the first time I took ashes from the urn being taken aback by the sight. I always expect more of a powder consistency. anyway, we drove a couple towns away to buy KFC chicken-- a delicious food we enjoyed fairly often. always has to be original recipe. I rarely eat it now. there were quite a few cloud bursts with heavy rain on the freeway. I could barely see. it was wonderful except the winds were so strong they were swaying my little car. I love my little car-- Kenny was with me when I first drove her and I have many memories of us going places together in her. it may seem absurd but I have every intention of keeping her as long as I am driving. even though she is old and needs work all the time. I named her Lil Miss Ub~ short for obsidian with a 'u' in place of the 'o'. I was wondering the other day if I had her named when Kenny was alive. it's unnerving that I can't remember. the driving trip ended near where I live at Grover beach where I go on a regular basis, a place Kenny loved a lot. the palm trees were waving in the wind. I sat in the car for a short time. the clouds were clearing a bit so I moved along to the lookout spot being pushed by the wind almost like a kite.
just as I stopped I was attacked by a downpour and my jeans were so wet I looked like I had fallen into the ocean by the time I made it to my car. it was difficult getting a picture; nevertheless, I think it's so cool that I have a picture with raindrops on Kenny's jar. a stormy day we shared driving through bright and dark clouds, being pounded by rain and whooshed in the wind. we almost had it all; however, I never saw a rainbow. I looked about but didn't catch a glimpse of one. 7 years gone and the weather was stormy and fabulous! what a great resemblance to the inner being of my son. storms brewing within his spirit that only he knew existed. storms never understood, never fully released. there was a look in his eyes that I will never forget when he closed the door the last time he left the house. it was a glint, almost a telling that I did not comprehend as he was closing the door. but I get it now. there was a goodbye in his eyes when he said "bye mom" with a casualness that was very Kenny-like. I will not spend my days feeling the despair of missing that last sign anymore because it wasn't meant for me to catch it then. my son had to set his spirit free. for him, there was no peace and he spent many years trying to find happiness by making others happy but it was not enough to contain those storms that would not settle and for whatever reason that final day was when his heart combusted and his mind erupted and the train crushed him and ended his breathing as he wanted. I could not save him. for five years I was able to get him to hold on but that was not enough time for him to realize his worth. and now it has been seven years without him and that has not been enough time for me to understand any better those last days that still haunt me. that will continue to haunt me until I can ask him for myself. and it is not enough time for me to stop missing him with every passing day-* not enough time to stop wishing I could have a day for a road trip and conversation-* a moment to hear his infectious laugh-* or a few minutes to watch him do some silly dance to gaming music. these things I will always long for, will miss out on forever because storms cannot be contained. such is life,, and there will be rain as there will be tears. then there will be a short time of calm~~ rhythms of storms and life.
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I was reading posts from past anniversaries. A common theme is connection through food and that is the same for this year. Other than getting KFC>> I also made a pumpkin pie with homemade crust. If you've read entries from long ago you may remember that pumpkin pie was Kenny's favorite. Actually, other than chocolate cream it  may be the only pie he liked. {note to self: chocolate pie for next year} On Tuesday, November 29th 2011--Kenny had a slice of pumpkin pie and bowl of cereal for breakfast before he left. I had a slice of pie late into the evening. Good way to end today.
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 ⥢YOGI PHILOSOPHY⥤ inscriptions on tea tags 💜
In my opinion~ coffee is the drink of the physical mind-- absolutely necessary for daily function. Tea is the drink of the spiritual mind-- to calm when in overload~ reflect when relaxing~ to inspire what is dwelling inside the soul...

 these are words that would have benefited Kenny greatly for what he gave in kindness to others he lacked in compassion for himself

live in your strength

   this tag fell in my tea and wrinkled  when I tried to straighten it, it tore yet it stayed together when it dried must mean strength is in the whole regardless of  imperfections and we would benefit from living in what makes us feel whole

  this is my favorite saying of the week for I truly believe that each person has light inside and if we are able to tap into it; we can all be beacons in the world. Kenny definitely was and I try to be

Until next time...  

       spread 
Lots of Love & Light
                   into the world