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| "Happiness is what you make it to be" - Kenny Cipolla |
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With each quiet moment the tears stream down my face, the sobs begin, and new cracks etch their way into my heart. It is the 1year anniversary of my son's death. At this hour, one year ago I knew Kenny had left this Earth permanently. Amazingly, a year has passed and I do not feel healed. Partially,maybe, yet no where near completely.
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It's been hours since I began typing,,I couldn't do it and I had to get out of the house because I was starting to fall apart. I wanted to be strong today--I told myself I was going to be, however I knew it was a lie the moment I woke up. I honestly did not expect it to be a day filled with tears, however that's what it's been. There were no major plans made because I had many plans for Kenny's birthday and most of them fell through>>I did not want to be disappointed again; it was better for me this way.
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I drove and drove with no particular destination, eventually I ended up on Browning Avenue, behind Bullard High School. It is a street I have avoided for the past year. I parked and wailed for about five minutes; then I walked the campus a bit--it has changed very much since last year. The high school was a place I couldn't bring myself to go to--walking there tonight was an important healing step for me. I have been nearly everyplace Kenny frequented, and even though at moments I feel like passing out I am still breathing, still capable of movement, and still full of feeling. I think it is imperative for life to be able to feel emotion and movement and the neurons sparking in my brain. There is a lot of energetic movement in my head--must be coming back to life.
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As a way of honoring Kenny's memory I wanted to complete an act of unexpected kindness. For this I made a print of the last picture I took of Jheremy, Kenny, and Vincent with their Grandpa Ken and put it in a frame which I took to their dad's house and left it for him. It is a picture he had never seen. I think he will like very much to have it. I hope I am right.
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I realize there are many more acts I want to complete as part of my healing. It is astonishing that an entire year has passed with so few of the things I hoped to have done actually completed. The greatest difference in what lies ahead for me is that I will start off the next year in a much stronger place both emotionally and spiritually. Although the waves of sadness still rock my world,,they are less frequent and weaker than they once were. I am sure I can get thru any more that hit me. Several months ago, I thought for sure I would not be able to get thru another day. I wanted to depart life as my son did--now I want to live as my son did not. While the heartache remains and the hole in my heart still exists I have a renewed sense of determination to go on--to continue my journey of healing and creating a joyful life.
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I feel a little bit of Kenny's energy around me--the comfort is indescribable...
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I'm not sure I want this to be the end of the blog-> update to follow on December 5th...
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| Kenny's Senior picture and daisies from Callie |
[[KENNY'S GOODBYE SERVICE]]
On the afternoon of December 5, 2011 we had a good-bye gathering for Kenny. The picture to the right was on the cover of his service pamphlet. The picture at the beginning of this entry was on the back with the quote I took from an English essay he had written mere weeks before he ended his life.
Dozens and dozens of people came together in the tiny chapel on the West Side of Fresno to say goodbye to my beloved son. I have been to many, many funerals and memorials during my life but none as simple nor as heart filled as the one for Kenny. It was only a room, with benches and an isle leading to a podium for people to speak. There was no service, no mass or video. We expected a few people aside from family so the turnout was astonishing. Kenny was laying on a table made to look like a bed. He was at the very far end of the room. Not many people walked close enough to get a clear look at him for they knew how he died. He wore one of his black hats and his Atomic Wheel shirt with a long-sleeved black button down shirt over it, as he would have if he were alive so people could see it was him from afar. I warned mi Mama not to go up because it was a bit of a gruesome sight through the makeup and repair work. However, to me, he was still my beautiful boy whom I loved beyond words. I kissed his make believe hand and his cold cheek. I twisted my fingers in his curls and talked to him for the few precious minutes I had alone with him.
I had put together a photo book and a couple of multi-slotted frames with many different pictures of Kenny from birth to his last days. Lots of people looked at the pictures. The room filled slowly, people were sitting and speaking amongst themselves almost in whispers. It was getting to be uncomfortable. I was trying to greet as many people as I could that I knew. I made it a point to personally thank every person for coming. I knew practically everyone who showed up. There were so many people from Bullard High--I was honored that they came to see Kenny because it had been over a year since he had graduated from high school. Teachers, counselors, class-mates showed up; even young men from his childhood days were there. Everyone sitting,, not knowing what to do. I said a few words early on before the room was filled, then no one went up to speak for the longest time. Finally, Johan's parents- Angela and Leo asked if they could read a poem}} I WAS SO GRATEFUL!!! because I was feeling overwhelmed and confused about what to do to move things along. That was the breakthrough...then it all began. Person after person walked to the podium and shared their memories about Kenny with the entire room. There were tears shed, and smiles shared, even a few laughs. It was the most heart-warming service I have ever attended. Kenny's teachers and friends, childhood buddies, Vincent's friends- and our family went up to talk. If there was ever an occasion I wish I had a video for, this is the one that I will always wish for.
It was evident that Kenny touched more lives than he ever imagined. When Vincent was speaking of how he had known Kenny since the first day of his life and that he didn't know what to do now because he lost his other half, his voice broke and tears welled up in eyes--in an instant Jheremy, Johan and Rob and I circled around him and hugged him. It is the only time Vincent has ever allowed a hug in public! It is a moment I hold dear to my heart.
It was a very special and meaningful goodbye. It was more than I wanted-better than I ever thought possible because all that truly mattered to me was that I get to see my darling child one more time before he was burned to ash. The gift of his gathering was so much more than that--and true to my wish, every single person there was someone who knew Kenny. That was my strongest desire and that is how it happened!! Kenny was given a beautiful send off into the spirit world and I believe it is a little piece of treasure those of us who love him can cherish.
This is a picture drawn by Vincent's friend Rob which he gave to me at the good-bye gathering. It is another example of an inspired tribute to Kenny. THANK YOU ROB!! He also posted it to Kenny's facebook page.
I am honored to say that my son Kenny will always have a place in the world. He will be remembered, not only in my mind and those who also loved him; in addition he is now a part of the internet world. I have learned so much, pushed myself far beyond my computer limits in order to put this blog together. The possibilities of love are endless--this blog has proven that to me. For I love my son so much, I made myself learn how to download pictures and e-mail them and transfer from my camera> and post them on the blog, compile and move them. It has been quite the little adventure; I must say, I truly surprised myself and am thankful for all that I learned and accomplished.
~*~ I SURVIVED THE FIRST YEAR ~*~
it is an amazing feat, there were many many moments when I thought I couldn't do it.
In closing I would like to thank the following people for their love, prayers, hugs, support, listening ears, and inspiring words...I could not have survived this year without you:
mi Mama-> Matthew-> Jheremy-> Vincent-> Melissa-> Eliora-> Angela-> Marissa-> Ben-> Callie-> Dr. Salo-> Tricia-> Misty
Love and Blessings to you all!!!! <3
Element of the day(day 120) as it turned out, my original calculation was correct- 120 days from the first day of the blog till the one year anniversary of his crossing over to the other side and 120 squares on the Periodic Table -- TRULY AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Definitely a sign from Kenny
#118) Uuo- Ununoctium-] radioactive
Reported in 1999, delisted in 2002.
Reported again in 2006.
