160* A Special Day

Today was a very special day!

~ Nick's butterfly~ I LOVE YOU BRO <3 ~

It is my brother's 46th birthday. That's how many years he would be if he was still with us on Earth.                     
To commemorate this day, mi Mama came to visit me in Pismo. 
There were no official plans and I kept thinking about what we could do. As I was creating a memory post for him this morning~ I asked my brother to help me out because mama was coming for a visit and I didn't know where to take her. And then my mind was struck with the perfect idea. 
I already knew I wanted to take her by my work. And then I thought I would take her by where I used to take Nick when he was working in the area. I thought for sure there would be one of his company's trucks there. It was odd that there were none. And no people either. 

However, there was the thrift store nearby. Of course, mi Mama spotted it as we first passed by. I told her it was part of the agenda because it was the very thrift store Nick-n-I used to go to with his kids. 

Me-n-mi Mama 9/29/2015

And while we were there, I was the lucky one to make a couple great finds. And even luckier because mi Mama purchased them for me. 

I have a yin-yang medallion my brother Matt gave me after Kenny died in his memory. It's been a long time without a chain because the beaded one I had broke many months ago and I haven't been able to find anything suitable to replace it. Until today that is. I found the perfect black chain. It is fabulously cool. And funny enough it had a black and white medallion. Which has now been replaced. 

The way I found it

The way it is now

I Love this new black chain. It is so much a Kenny style. And I am very happy to be able to wear this yin-yang in his memory again.
Actually, this is the third chain I have gotten for it.

In addition to this fabulous chain. Mi mama made a discovery in the jewelry case. Another memento for Kenny. It's a spectacular little curio box. 

 

This is definitely something I would have bought for Kenny. And to find it so close to his birthday is simply amazing!

And on the topic of Kenny's birthday >> I recently spent an evening meal enjoying Me-n-Ed's pizza with Kenny's two best friends. It was GREAT to see them again, as it had been a very long time since our last catch up session. They have become a darling couple.

While we were there, Ben drew me Kenny's birth-date and death-date in Japanese characters, which I am going to include in the first tattoo I will get in Kenny's memory.

Here is my version of what I want. I'm sure the ink artist will do a much better drawing. The dates will remain as they are because they were traced straight from Ben's drawings and that makes them special in my opinion.  

In conclusion<> I will leave you with a couple of wonderful memories from today.

1> As mi Mama and I were sitting in the gazebo at Shell Beach, talking and taking in the spectacular view~> a gorgeous monarch butterfly appeared from nowhere and flew around us. Mama stopped mid-sentence when she noticed. We both concluded that it was my brother showing us he is still around. 

2> At the Splash Cafe where we enjoyed lunch, the workers call out the names of the customers when there orders are ready. About half way through lunchtime Kenny's name gets called. We marveled, as if it was Kenny himself. The feeling of happiness lingers with me still. And shortly after, as we were chatting away Nick's name gets called. I am positively sure those are signs from the spirit world that my beloved brother and son are near, loving and caring for us with strong spiritual energy.

Until next time 
     FAITH ~ HOPE ~ LOVE ~ PEACE 

 

159* WHITE LIGHT/ BLACK SHADOW

I still Miss Kenny every day...
                                     However, I don't feel broken anymore.  I don't feel whole either. Someplace in between.  Putting the pieces together like a puzzle.

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Speaking of puzzles....
     Kenny's best friend's family completed an awesome puzzle this summer that Kenny would absolutely Love!! It's The Periodic Table Of The Elements.
   Putting together puzzles has been one of my favorite activities as long as I can remember. I hadn't done a puzzle since the summer my brother died. I stayed indoors and worked on puzzles nearly that entire summer watching 'Snapped' and 'Investigation Discovery'. 
    Working at summer camp this summer> I put together puzzles with my students. Fairly simple ones-- no more than 300 pieces. Seeing my friend's post of the completed puzzle inspired me. And, since I have the house to myself for a few days, I bought a puzzle for the first time in many years.
   It's fabulous! 750 pieces, which is acceptable for a five day project. One of my very favorite literary characters....and  his friends. 

Unfortunately, I've been so tired the last few days that I've only managed to sort pieces and complete the border. 
I will have to put more effort into it starting tomorrow.
    I absolutely love this puzzle. I'm a huge Pooh Bear fan and I'm pleased that Thomas Kinkade created a Disney collection. I have a few of his landscape puzzles but I didn't want another one, and to my surprise I found this at my first stop.
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Currently, I am listening to classical music. It has become a habit of mine while I write the blog if I am lucky enough to have the house to myself. 

I used my Kenny Angel mouse-pad today for the first time since I left the home where I lived with my three amazing sons. It's very strange not having a home after being in the same place for 16 years. It is the longest amount of time I had ever been in the same place. I am extremely grateful I was able to share a home with my boys. I don't know if life will ever be that good again. The greatest joy in my life is being a mom,, and holding that bond close to my heart.
<3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   <3   

  MY  STORY   OF  BLACK  AND  WHITE  

  One of my lasted editions:phone case 

 

   My black and white craze  began several months  after  Kenny died. I think it truly  began when I was  packing  his clothes. I didn't want to  throw or give away most of  his clothes so my dearest  sweetest  friend suggested I  make a quilt with some of  them. 
   Of course I thought it was  a fabulous idea (which I  have yet to complete) so  I started to put clothes   aside that I would later use for his quilt. Kenny was   very much into black jeans. That's almost all he   wore,  however he owned one pair of white jeans he  hardly wore. I came up with the idea of making a  checkered quilt with his jeans and alternating pieces  with some of his black and white shirts and boxers.          Then I  found the essential yin-yang patch. It  made  me think of conversations Kenny and I had  during  the time he was doing independent study for  school. 
We talked of harmony, balance in life, and karma.  He was interested in learning my views and I  enjoyed  sharing my knowledge. Sometimes he even  agreed  with my thoughts. It was then, as I sat on the  rug at  the entrance of his closet packing his  clothes  that I first paid  attention  to  Kenny's interest of  black and white.  Very soon  after,  I began a  collection of sorts in  black  & white. I was wearing  Kenny's shirts for months after he passed. They  were  all black. Then I started getting black and  white socks, hair accessories, bandannas, and other  odds and ends. Most of which are packed. In the  past  year> my craze has gotten crazier! I am loving  all things black and white, especially if it has stripes.  Why stripes? I'm not sure. Maybe, it's the  representation of the balance of the two. 
    Anyhow, in the past few months I was thinking of  the connection of Kenny's life with black and white  in terms of lightness and darkness. Kenny was a   bright light on this Earth. He never knew in life how  special of a gift that was. His soul was the white  light-  his mind the black shadow. I think he  understood that resemblance in his life and that was  why he was drawn to the contrast of the two shades  of non-color. A different and separate existence  from  all the colors of the rainbow. He had the black  closet and black curtains with white walls in his  room. He had one black and one white light-bulb on  his ceiling. I know there were other examples but I  can't remember them now.  
   And now, I carry on the tradition of black and  white. Not for the same reasons. Partly in memory of  him and partly as a reminder that it takes extremes  in life to learn the lessons and have a survival story.  So far,, this is my survival story. 
   As an example, here is the hat I wear most often. I had it while Kenny  was alive. I wore it then, although not nearly as  much. Ben gave me the button a long while after  Kenny left us. This hat is the perfect place for it. 

   Also, I've become a bit obsessed with black and white clothing. I wear at least one outfit a week that is strictly black and white, including shoes. I have three pairs of black boots, an old pair of black high tops with checkered shoelaces and a new pair of Vans with mini-checkered shoelaces. 

  SHIRTS,  DRESSES,  SOCKS,  HAT,  INTIMATES & VAN'S  

""""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""::"""
   In closing >-}  To Kenny ~  

   Until next time...   
                   As Kenny would do   

158* If only

I have been trying all day to think of what to write,, but my mind is mostly blank of any decent thoughts.

I think that I am in a much worse place in life than I was a year ago... so many of my thoughts, hopes, and feelings have changed and disappeared.

I am no longer willing to pretend everything is going to be okay

Maybe all hope is lost...

I just want to cry, and cry, and cry.

I can't believe I tricked myself into fighting to believe for such a long time.

Maybe Kenny was right all along.

My vision of life was so different than it turned out to be.

Lack of faith does create misery, but really what is there to be believe in when a heart cannot heal from a loss so devastating?

I've been told over and over that God does not give us anything that we cannot handle, but if that were true why do so many people end their lives because the pain or hardships are too much to live with?

There is only so much a spirit can take in this harsh world.

And when one loses hope, it all seems pointless.

I don't believe it is meant to be hopeless. 

Life is meant to consist of love. Love is essential.

I live in a place where there is beauty in the outside world but no love around me.

All the people I love are far away or in the spirit world.  

Life continues. Miserable life. 

How do I break free from this misery? 

I want so much to feel different. I want to live with the happiness I knew when Kenny would be silly and make me laugh.

My life lacks laughter. My memories fade and there are no new memories. 

I wish for a day with my son. If only that were possible in any way. Even a dream that would feel like a day.

We could wake up and make pancakes together. Sit somewhere and talk. I could hear about all that is going on where he is now and maybe for a change he could tell me not to give up hope the way I used to tell him.

We could take Ravenne to the river and wade in the water over the rocks and I could see him smile and laugh as he splashed about the way he once did, determined to make it across.

Then we could have dinner with Jheremy and Vincent; and I would bake a chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting. Kenny and Vincent would drink root beer. Jheremy and I would drink some kind of ale. 

After dinner we could play a long game of Monopoly. I think Kenny would choose the Onyx Edition. (currently its in a box in storage with nearly all of his belongings)

Then he would give me one of his tightest, sweetest hugs and kiss my cheek before he flies into the dark, starry sky. And this time he would say so long  Mom-- I'll see you again. "Have fun!"

Then I would feel hope again... and a lot of faith.

If only...........

157* Smiles

I loved to see Kenny smile <3

2 years old -- Reseda, California

6 years old -- Fresno, California 

 

10 years -- 3201 W. Barstow- Fresno, CA 

 

(More of a laugh, or something...)16 years-- San Francisco, CA

20 years -- On a beach somewhere in California

156* afterthought

Bottle-caps~

I continue to collect bottle-caps as Kenny once did. 

805  is a local brand of beer and also the area code in San Luis Obispo county where I live. I tried this beer for the first time not long ago.

Of course, CocaCola is a classic, but I don't remember Kenny having this style of bottle-cap.

And the bottom is from an ale that my brother Nick used to drink. I drank one in his honor for the anniversary of his passing. } June 19th { 

155* Kenny stuff and Pikachu socks

Between two jobs, endless car troubles, and a lack of sleep-- not only is my energy zapped. But, my brain is mindless and without much inspiration as well.

Although stress has been overtaking my spirit lately, I try to keep Kenny alive in my life in little ways. There are a few rituals I incorporate daily as I prepare for work. One is I always wear a pair of earrings in memory of Kenny. Most often opals, which was his birthstone. I have a pair that are circles and a pair that are squares; however, I wear them diagonally in a diamond shape.

opals-- October birthstone

I also always wear the necklace with Kenny's ashes and peace sign. Over the last month I have gotten many compliments on this necklace. Not that people know whats in it. A portion of the ashes have clumped together and stuck to the heart as time has passed.

June 10, 2015

In addition to these rituals, I carry one of "Kenny's pennies" in my pocket or shoe. I don't pick up as many pennies or feathers as I used to. However, I found a shiny penny in the closet of the room where I am staying earlier in the month. I took a picture of it and left it where I found it. It is still there now. Also, I find myself carrying a super feather when I drive that I found one day when my car was being worked on, at the barn where my mechanic works. 
My mechanic (and friend) is convinced that Kenny is watching over me because there have been times that I should not have been safe in my car when I have not been hurt. The thermostat went wacko all the way to the HOT orange square after I had driven from Pismo Beach to Fresno. Luckily it didn't overheat until after I was nearly at my destination. The thermostat was replaced and then the front wheel bearings fell apart and the brakes went out a few days after I returned to Pismo. Miraculously, I did not get into an accident. AND then the wheel fell off when it was hitched to a dolly to be towed the next day. That could have happened while I was driving. I was able to make it safely to the place I live even though the wheel was so loud I was afraid to drive it. Kenny must be keeping me safe. That thought is comforting. Makes me feel like he is still close by in his own way.

~~HOT CAR  June 2015~~

new super feathers

I have these feathers in my car I found awhile ago. The longer one I carry in between my fingers as I drive because it starts to fly away when the window is open. 

I often see reminders of Kenny. At work a couple weeks ago I found Pikachu socks, which of course I had to buy. I haven't worn them yet. Hmmm... I think I will wear them to work tomorrow. Pikachu reminds me of Kenny because he used to be Pikachu crazy when he was in first grade and for awhile after that. I've never been sure if Pikachu is a girl or boy Pokemon but whichever it is, it was Kenny's favorite for many years. 

Isn't Pikachu cute?

Lastly,, this text keeps accidentally showing up when I close my messages. It was the last text I saved from Kenny. He sent it to me the day before he died. It has the date from August because that is when I transferred it from his phone to mine at the time I had his phone turned off. It has been transferred to two phones since his passing... I hope I can have it for all the days of my life. Until next time,, PEACE< LOVE >HOPE                       

I think Kenny is trying to tell me something... I truly wish I could hear his voice,, and his laugh... At least I can still see his smile in my mind.

154* Quotes

I thought I was going to be able to put Kenny's essay on this blog entry; however that is not going to happen tonight.

I just spent an hour trying to figure out how to convert a PDF file to be compatible to this blog, but it was to no avail!

I am completely frustrated. Obviously, there is still more for me to learn. I was unable to download it from my e-mail into any readable file.

So, that will have to be for another entry.
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On a personal note~

I spent most of today creating and packaging Jheremy's birthday present.

I must say I did very well with that. I painted him a card with water colors. Then decorated the card and inscribed one of my favorite quotes:
     " If you are lucky enough to find a way 
        of life you love, you have to find the
        courage to live it."
                                ~ John Irving

I also wrote him the story of the day he was born.

And,, I made him an incredibly aromatic lavender spray. It's a soothing scent which is one of my favorites.

I was hoping to write a full blog entry. But, that also is not going to happen because I have to get ready for work at 6am.

I continue to strive on my spiritual journey, although the stresses of life try to dissuade me I fight to not allow them.

I am venturing out into this new area I am living in. Exploring stretches of beach and rock I never knew existed. There is solace and healing in the crashes of the ocean waves, which nearly make up for all the hardships of life.

I also continue in my pursuit to find a connection with Kenny. His presence isn't as prominent as it once was; however there are still little signs that he is watching over me even though there is a complete lack of communication.
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Signs from Kenny

The last couple weeks have been particularly difficult and stressful. I cry for Kenny as much as ever. The loss has not diminished with the passage of time.

Lately, the greatest signs I think I get from him are related to the numbers 11 and 29.
Here is an example from yesterday.

I was having lunch with a friend after going on a fairly easy trail leading to the cliffs of the ocean's edge at Harmony State Park. We moved three times before settling at a table. I looked over and this scripture was written on the back of a shirt of a girl who was sitting across from us.

Jeremiah 29:11
Truly fitting because I had been thinking of my plans for Jheremy's birthday and also about writing Kenny's blog nearly the entire day,, and I had been silently asking Kenny to send me some kind of inspiration. 

There are two things special about seeing this scripture. 

One: Jheremy's name was inspired by Jeremiah the prophet. However, I did not want to give him the name Jeremiah; therefore, I incorporated the 'h' into his name. This is how I came up with the unusual spelling of his name.

Two: 29-11. This should be a little more obvious for anyone who knows the date of Kenny's last living day on Earth. 11-29

Also, the scripture is a perfect message in response to how I have been feeling lately. Wondering.... when will life truly improve? Am I really being watched over because the stress was making me feel very abandoned. And there, on the back of a shirt worn by a stranger was my answer.
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Another sign from Kenny

As I struggle to put my life back together and find freedom from my current situation I got a second job.

I am going to be a summer camp counselor. Actually, I am looking forward to this job very much. Anyway, after I left my friend, I went to the San Luis Parks and Recreation building to pick up my new employee information packet. I had to put money in a meter as there is no free parking in the area. I was unsure how long I would be so I put in enough for 30 minutes. 

I was in and out very quickly. So quickly, in fact, that this is what the meter read when I returned to my car.
 

Coincidence? I think not....


Until next time,
     Blessings of Love and Peace