140* no amount of time...

23 months gone away...
still dreaming of  Kenny very often. Its weird that Kenny is always young in my dreams---young and happy}} those were the days! I was thinking today it is unbelievable that its been almost two years without him and how there isn't usually a lot of true meaning when most people say "I can't believe>>" but I really went numb when that thought went through my mind today 

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Finally,I am close to being well after being sick since August>> the herbal formulas my friend Eliora sent me cleared my throat infection
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SO---] I drove my car today for the first time in nearly a month. I was listening to the Beatles and thinking of Kenny as I drove to In-n-Out. It is the only fast food place that me and all my boys agreed on. It still is the first stop Jheremy wants to make every time he comes for a visit. Vincent and I like to eat it from time to time. As I was waiting in the drive-thru I was telling Kenny it was time for In-n-Out thinking of what he would order. It was always a hamburger with grilled onions, an order of fries and a water. If he was really hungry he would get two hamburgers, he never added cheese. He and Vincent ate in the car all the time while I drove. Kenny liked his fries right out of the bag. He didn't use ketchup or any other condiment. For awhile, Vincent ate them with ranch dressing but Kenny never got into it. 
After Kenny died, Jheremy's friend Conor was around alot when Jheremy was here and In-n-Out was a common meal. Conor eats his fries with the animal sauce dressing so we tried that for awhile. I think Kenny would have made some sort of comment about the animal sauce  covering the fries
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 as I was beginning to drive, this baby feather flew on my windshield and stuck there so I pulled over to take a picture. it was right after I thought "I can't believe its been 23 months today"............. 10/29/2013

I spent some time in my car today-- I drove to the tracks where Kenny died. My mind swirling with thoughts of Kenny's walk down the tracks and wondering how he was able to do it. I try to accept his decision to leave this world, to disregard how much I love him,, how much I would miss him--its unfathomable that he could think I would be able to continue a normal life without him. I'm no where near moving on with my life. Every attempt I have made has been an epic fail. There is no normal for me anymore. No semblance of any kind of happiness and deep deep down into my heart I don't know how there ever will be.I know I receive signs from Kenny and I often hear that our loved ones who have crossed over want those left behind to be happy and continue on but it is so much more difficult than anyone can imagine when a heart is smashed to bits and a world is clouded in blackness. My world is black now--it lacks color and depth and meaning. How do I get it back?? A life that's vibrant-- a desire to continue>> I do not know...
I was thinking I try so hard to hold onto him any way I can. I have many keepsakes with me as often as possible and it got me looking around my car so I took pictures of them as I sat in my car today

this is one of the extra large rubber bands from Kenny's collection of rubber bands,, I've had to replace it twice because they become brittle from the sun--   it's time for a new one... 

this is a little caesar's bouncy ball that Kenny got somehow-- I don't remember if I found it in his room or if he left it in my car...

this is the first thing I see when I get into the car- it is wrinkled now because sometimes I hold it or squeeze it while I cry... 

this is a recent addition to my car; when I was packing Kenny's room I decided instead of packing this I would hang it in my car-- it is a gift from Kenny's friend Ariel whom he met at the mental hospital in Ventura>> they kept in touch for more than a year until she was sent away to a place where she could not be contacted.   I, very often wonder what ever happened to Ariel....

I accept that there are questions that will not be answered in this life ...........................................]

I look forward to being with my darling son when this life is over-- I anticipate the feeling of lightness and overwhelming joy...............................................]

and I continue to search for meaning in this life I have been left to live.................................................]

struggling to hold love and light within me................]

until next time 

139* Kenny's 22nd birthday

~ October 15, 2013 ~

I just re-read my blog entry from last year on this day. Its ridiculous to think I feel worse this year than last, but it's true. Today is the second birthday without him and again this year I am sick; only I have been sick for a very long time and I didn't even think of making a single plan. Luckily, I've had this candle sitting around all summer so I used it for Kenny's birthday candle.

I tried to remember how we spent Kenny's last birthday together and other than I know that I made him a cake I can't really remember that day. I hope it comes back to me someday and that my blankness is only a result of me being ill and being temporarily brain dead for the last couple months.

Vincent had his 21st birthday last month so he has officially outlived Kenny by more than a year. I did find myself a little relieved that he lived past the age of 20. It was almost as if I held my breath the entire year he was 20 because I was always worried in the dark recesses of my mind that something would happen to Vincent too. I practically didn't sleep the week before his birthday.

There was no celebration of any kind this year. Mostly because I have been ill. I have no energy, I haven't baked since last spring so he didn't get a cake or cookies. I didn't bake today either. Mostly because I am still ill. I wonder if I will get well or if I will be with Kenny on his next birthday. It somewhat feels like I'm knocking on heaven's door. I've been seeing Kenny in my dreams a lot lately and my Grandma Tanis and other loved ones have been visiting me in my dreams. Maybe I am being prepared....I have been fighting to get well but I am weak now, constantly tired and my body is not getting well. I have one last recovery attempt that a friend of mine is sending me: otherwise it seems hopeless.

If I do get well---] next year I am making Kenny a birthday cake! If not, at least I won't be missing him anymore... 

2 feathers from Kenny

138* untitled

~~~ nothing significant this month-- been sick every day and my mind is pretty much brain dead...

the more time goes by, the more I miss having Kenny in my life

- - - san francisco 2008 - - -

 the silliness and laughter have been silenced forever~~

137* it never ends

I hate that Kenny is gone!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate that the sadness never goes away!!!!!!!!!!!

why? why?? why???

I AM sooooooo mad>>>I want him back,, I want to talk to him and have him answer me-- 

there are no answers!

I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need a Kenny hug'''''''tears'''''''''''

136* Kenny

=====Kenny's  DIVEKICK character=====

135* august

i have been in major meltdown mode the past couple weeks--

august has been a sad, sad month...
11th~ my mom in heaven would have turned 65
19th~ two months without my brother nick
20th~ would have been my grandma bernie's bday (also in heaven)- don't know which one
29th~ too many months without my beloved son~~ still in mourning,, crying all the time

unexpectedly, we are still in the house where my children grew up

kenny's pigs are still atop his dresser

i stayed in bed for 10 days which ended yesterday--
been thinking of kenny SO MUCH lately} DIVEKICK came out this month == seeing kenny's character has been overwhelmingly emotional for me

on the more productive side-- i finished reading the host which i LOVED and read the last four chapters two times! thank you to callie for letting me borrow it and sorry i've had it so long....>>>

my younger brother matt and his fiance maria were here for a visit at the beginning of the month and i am decorating their cake top-- i think i will have to get started on that very soon...
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i have been finding less pennies (although there have been a few) and been finding feathers instead~>~> strange; don't know if it means anything

until next time~ <3

134* packing.... or lack thereof

BROKEN HEARTED>>> ANGRY>>> FRUSTRATED>>>        emptying Kenny's room....
its a terrible feeling packing his things

I had to make myself go numb in order to get through the last couple days, but now the tears are flowing and the sadness has kicked in.

Thursday- we moved Kenny's bed to storage and the gray metal shelf he put together. The bed had to be taken apart but I did not break up the 12cube shelf he built. It still has the sticky note he put on it the day he put it together. I wish I had taken a picture now that I am writing this blog entry.

I had to box everything that was in/on Kenny's bed post. I emptied the top of his dresser and took pictures to put it on craig's list-- if I ever figure out how to do it.                 
                           

-] Kenny's empty dresser [-

 When we returned from storage, I cleaned all of Kenny's pigs and arranged them on his dresser to take one last picture before I pack them. That was Thursday-] I still have not packed them. I stared mindlessly into space while I dusted, arranged and took pics; but somehow, that is as far as I could mentally go. As soon as got a box and bubble wrap I froze.

-] piggy collection  8/8/2013 [-

Friday- I began the day with the intention to get Kenny's pigs and shelf packed. I have crammed so many of Kenny's books, notebooks, pictures, games, and some of my own stuff onto his shelf that is looks completely chaotic.  

-] Kenny's stuff [-

I managed to get through my normal morning routine: meditation/ coffee/ Ravenne time-} play ball and go for a walk. Then I ran a couple of errands. When I returned home I was very tired; I went to Kenny's room and could not fathom getting anything packed so I laid out sleeping bags and pillows on the floor and slept for five hours. I woke up feeling very down. I took my pillows to the living room where I am currently sleeping and left Kenny's room for the night. I ate and went back to bed.

Oh, there is something else I got done. Sometime during Thursday I cleaned Kenny's red rug. I never was able to get a proper picture before because it was filthy and Kenny's bed was on it so at last here is a picture of Kenny's red rug which will remain in his room when we leave this house.

-] the red rug [-

I don't know why he liked this rug so much. Perhaps, it is because it had many imperfections. I will always remember rolling it up and carrying it together and I will keep this picture in my phone to help me hold onto that memory. 

It was a happier time when Kenny was alive... and those days can never be returned. Memories pale in comparison to how I felt when my children were here with me.

Until next time...