129* 75 weeks

It's Tuesday-- ANOTHER TUESDAY!!!!  
and this one is hitting me hard>> I wish I could spend the day writing but I must hurry off to work,, I'm already on track to be late.

I hate that life interferes with my needs
I feel terrible today,, I want to grief for my son-- my darling son whom I could not help

I feel the strongest sense of profound sadness that I could not help him--I could not make him feel that life is worth living--
and now I feel the exact same way

I try to find meaning.. a reason,, a purpose
but it eludes me

There are people I love deeply who are here
However,, the love I carry in my heart does not erase the pain
The grief is overwhelming today and now I must go 
and be a part of the life that I hate

Love and Peace to the world and life on the other side

Love<3 Love<3 Love<3 to Kenny         

128* There's been easier days..

March 29th was a very good day. The first good day in a long, long time.

I woke up early and walked my dog>> I lit Kenny's candle.

I went to sound therapy in the morning--I always feel better after sound therapy.  

Then I had spontaneous lunch and movie day-- saw "The Host",, and liked it very much.

And after that, I rushed home to have movie time with Vincent, Ben, and Callie. We watched X-Men movies and ate pizza, the kids talked and made me laugh. I love listening to their commentaries. I made cookies--they weren't my best cookies but still it was fun.

Yes, March 29th was a good day--it got late and I was so tired I went to bed after the kids left.

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Today, in contrast has been a very bad day.

My dog Ravenne is showing symptoms of dying. She is not eating, she looks like she is pain with the saddest eyes, and she doesn't want to come inside.
She has been laying outside for days, and leaving her to go to work this morning made me feel sick to my stomach.

I kept praying she would make it through the day and she has, but I know she doesn't have much time left. Of course hanging out with the Kenny where there is endless green grass and freedom to run as much as she wants will be better for her than being here in pain,but still it makes me so sad to lose another loved one.

Other than that, Mondays are now my worst day of the week.

Soon to be over, never-the-less I still had to endure getting through this Monday. I talked to Kenny a lot this morning--mostly asking him to watch over Ravenne. I still think of him and miss him lots; however I talk to him differently now. More like he's listening, with less expectation of hearing him in return. 

Even so, I still cry daily. The tears flow even when I try to stop them but overall I feel stronger than before although life would be so much better with Kenny here. I must say that all the time: "I wish you were here Kenny". I do believe I will feel that way forever...plus

Would be wonderful to have one of Kenny's hugs!!On hard days like this, I wish so much to see Kenny smile and give me a hug and hear him say "doesn't life suck mom" and I could reply "its not that bad"... On that note, I have been finding a lot of random pennies lately. Whenever I find one I say "thank you Kenny" and write in my date book "Kenny penny". I found one Friday when I was in Sunnyvale with Vincent-- made me feel like Kenny was there with us in a way. 

Anyway thats all for now~ I pray I have more energy next month.

and as Kenny would say "PEACE" 



  

     

127* 16 months

16 months... love to Kenny

watching X-Men movies with Vincent, Ben, and Callie

more tomorrow....

126* Kenny dance...

Today something very special happened as I was driving to work. I was listening to nature music with flutes and birds chirping, thinking of Kenny as I often do when I drive. I keep a copy of his service pamphlet on my window visor so I see him every time I drive and I talk to him all the time-- sometimes silently, sometimes out loud while laughing or crying. 

Something about hearing the birds chirp on the cd brought Kenny to my mind and I was saying "I wish I could see you smile"....and at that very moment I had a visit from him. It's really kind of unusual how it happens. I see him, but not at all in the way one sees an image in life. It's almost as if he's invisible energy that takes on his form and features~~ he was so joyful in my vision! He was flying in the sky a few feet in front of my car window-- smiling and laughing, twirling and spinning around>> it was truly amazing!!!! It's been such a long time since I've seen him and although I know I'm not crazy, it is bizarre the way I have these mental images of him without truly seeing him. I think the only way for anyone to understand is to experience it personally,, but I am sure it was real. Anyway, after a couple minutes he waved and shot up into the air like a rocket, and I felt extremely blessed and wrapped in love. It most definitely was a beautiful experience and a gift from Kenny that my spirit needed-- I asked him earlier today to watch over me and he answered me in those few minutes.

And as I was remembering that wonderful happening of the day, it reminded me of the video taken by Eric Johnson(Vincent's friend), so with Vincent's help I have posted this very short video taken of Kenny doing a portion of his famous 'Kenny dance'. His hair was still long so it must have been taken during the end of junior year before he shaved it off. It never got that long again...how much I loved those curls,,,
I really hope the video works--> its a great reminder of Kenny's spirit and unique nature :) 

Until next time... may everyone enjoy a unique and special experience 
<3Love <3Love~~~~~~~~~~~  

125* February

Kenny's Monopoly

                              

Today is Tuesday, March 5th....another Tuesday. I am treating today as if it is the 29th of the month of February because the entire month of February went by and I never did a blog entry. I was debating if I should do it on the 28th of Feb or the 1st of March; however it became a non-decision due to the fact that I have been extremely worn out, void of all energy by the time the end of the days get here and way too busy during the day to have more than a few minutes to breathe, much less any time to do anything for myself.

Every night since Feb. 28th as I put my weary body and worn out brain into bed, I think - 'I have to do the blog'... then I fall asleep and wake up feeling guilty in the morning for not having gotten it done and then I cry because the loss still feels very fresh when I wake up, and I feel terrible that life's responsibilities are interfering with me keeping Kenny's memory alive. It's the last thing that I want to happen...I don't ever want to get to a place where I am so busy I forget his special days. At least I haven't forgotten..even though time sometimes gets away from me.


I vow to never let it happen again. So, in the month of February I started working again. It was a long and tedious process. The first couple weeks were terrible and I wanted to quit- which, I actually did- but I got talked into sticking it out. So, now I am a part of the rat race, trying to figure out how to survive in this world. The last week was grueling with lots of meetings and hours of work. I am super duper tired even as I sit here typing; however I made myself get up early because there was no way I was going to let another day go by without getting this blog done, and it being a Tuesday it works out okay. I just lit Kenny's memory candle. I still light a candle on Tuesdays, and a special candle on the 29th which, of course didn't happen last month.

Last year was a leap year so I was able to light a special candle on the 29th of every month of 2012 in memory of Kenny's last day on Earth. I think I mostly do it because I want so much to hold onto a piece of Kenny's spirit. What I miss the most is Kenny's sweet and loving nature. It certainly hasn't been replaced in my life and there are so many, many moments during the day when I have a thought or do something and I think- 'I wish Kenny was here'. It happened yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. I was feeling completely awful because I woke up to the realization that another day had gone by without getting the Feb. blog done and I was rushing to be ready for a new program that was starting; and I was telling Kenny in my mind that I was a new starting a new job. Then I sat on the bed and started sobbing after I put on my yin-yang necklace and I said out loud "Kenny, Kenny I wish you were here to give me a hug, I could really use one of your hugs today". And that's how it happens most of the time. I just want to see him smile or hear him say "have fun Mom" or have a hug. He was the best hugger, not quick and in a hurry. I often ask Vincent for hugs now and he is kind and abliging; but Vincent isn't one for long and lingering hugs. Its a quick one arm wrap around the shoulder most of the time; although I can get a quick two arm hug some of the time. Either way, I am grateful but I still miss Kenny's hugs.
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JHEREMY-- 2/ 5/ 2013

So,, in the month of February Jheremy came to town for a visit and on his first night here our little family played a game of Monopoly together. 

CONOR-- 2/ 5/ 2013

It was the first time we have played
Monopoly since Kenny died, and I was beginning to think his games would never be used again. I am very happy we had that time to spend together. Naturally Kenny was on my mind the entire time we played and it made me feel good that we were doing something Kenny would have loved to be a part of-- it almost felt as if he was watching over us.   

VINCENT-- 2/ 5/ 2013

It was very dark in the living room so we lit candles and brought in a couple of little lamps. It was a nice atmosphere. Vincent insisted we play by the original rules, and Jheremy had to check the rule guide a few times during the game. We didn't use the free parking money pit so people were going broke rather quickly. Still, the game took many hours to play. We played until every one was out.

(ME)  ANNETTE-- 2/ 5/ 2013

Conor was the big winner. He's one of Jheremy's best friends (most likely the best friend he's ever had, although I really shouldn't speak for Jheremy) and he's been around for well over a decade so he's practically family. Anyway, he creamed us all with one monopoly of properties and lots of hotels. For me, it was a really good night. There was a lot of laughter and chatter as the hours passed and it was almost like old times, only newer and more grown up.

I'm wondering what will end up happening with all of Kenny's games. I hate for them to get boxed up and never used. I would love very much for them to be played and for people to remember Kenny's smile and silly nature as they play the game that once brought us together and made Kenny happy.
~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}~}

Also in February there were a couple of birthdays....

~~*** HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY ***~~
                   Ben and Matthew  


I've really missed this feeling of being connected to Kenny while doing the blog. This is the best I've felt in several weeks, other than typing in the date. I still get a sinking feeling in my heart and stomach when I use the year 2013. It is a reminder that time will continue to go by and my life will still be missing Kenny in it.
 
Lots of Love to my darling son on the other side,, wherever you may be...please keep us with you as I will always keep you with me. 

Until later in the month... Love and Peace  
  

124* Is it progress?

I am so glad to be home, warm in Kenny's bed. I'm watching 'Bones'--a show I like a lot that Kenny sometimes watched with me. 
*************************************************
When I woke up this morning, I thought "today is Tuesday and its the 29th" same as the day Kenny left this life. I haven't felt his presence lately. So I repeated into the air, "Kenny please be with me today". I think I heard "I'm here mom" but I can't be sure.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I have much trouble getting up lately. Night after night I have nightmares. I wake up feeling horrible, afraid, and paralyzed. Then I go back to sleep and have more nightmares. When morning gets here--I don't want to get out of bed or open my eyes. I lay awake for a long time with my eyes closed and chant to myself,"everythings ok, everythings ok". Sometimes I wonder if its a lie or its the truth.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
The past month has flown by so quickly. I'm getting used to Kenny being gone all the time. I still talk to him often, but there's only silence in return the majority of the time. 
====================================
I don't like thinking that I'm letting go of Kenny. I received a message from a gifted young medium that Kenny wants me to move on--that he wants me to stop replaying his death. So I have spent the past weeks trying not to think of anything about his death. It makes me sad, I don't know if it means I'm letting go of him. I got mad and yelled at him for giving me that message. After all, it was his doing,, and I don't want him to be gone from my life forever.And the sound of the train still drives me crazy-} I want to scream when I hear it or I yell into the air "I CAN'T STAND LISTENING TO YOU ANYMORE--GO AWAY!!!!" or "AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" To me the train is the worst sound I have to hear over and over>>there is no escaping it. Covering my ears and making incomprehensible sounds doesn't help either.
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For the most part, I'm getting back to myself. Not the same exactly but I have no expectation to be the same. I spend more time trying to keep my spiritual side alive as a way to keep myself going  through this life. I go to sessions of sound therapy for energy healing. I always feel better after a session even if I feel terrible when I get there. I also do short meditation nearly every day. Sometimes I feel better temporarily, and sometimes it last a whole day.Its the only way that I feel like I am moving towards some sort of happiness. Without a strong spirit, I will never progress to the next stage of my life.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
So on to another month of life. I look forward to Jheremy coming for a visit next week...
New pictures for sure next month.
I miss writing in the blog because I felt closer to holding on to Kenny and I felt like I was keeping his memory alive.
I don't feel that anymore,,it's rather disappointing.
******************************************************
So the first month of 2013 is almost over. It certainly is different than a year ago. Not in big ways but in little ways- I get up most days even when I want to stay in bed. I cry for shorter periods of time, although still a day never goes by without tears. And I get dressed more days than I used to,  though there are still times when I stay in my pjs all day and watch television from morning to night. I try not to do that as much, at least now I feel guitly about it where as before all I felt was numbness.

Until next month "PEACE"    
   
   

123* HNY 2013

~~**HAPPY NEW YEAR***2013~~ 

Well-- this is the year for new beginnings. By this time next year I should have a completely transformed life. My leg is healing slowly and so is my heart. Yesterday, I spent the day crying for many reasons and I yelled at God, the world, and Kenny. Today, I thought about all that I want from this life. It is a very lonely place here on this Earth for me now.

Inevitably, it seems I always end up without the people I love. Most of them have crossed over-- someone else whom I love very much is extremely ill and will probably be there soon. Anyway, we are far apart from each other. As it has been for years. Death doesn't seem to have the same effect on me as it once did-- after losing Kenny, there isn't any loss so awful as that of a child. I hurt more that I am away from someone I love while there is still life to live.

I saw Kenny in my dreams again--It was very strange,, I was lost in New Mexico somewhere and it was dark. Then as it was breaking dawn, I was at a gas station in my very own little car with Ravenne. I had been driving alone--but someone was in the back of the car on the phone. I heard someone talking to Ben and it was so bizarre because I could hear my mind say "who could that be? Kenny is dead" then I looked behind my seat and it was a resemblance of Kenny sitting on the back seat of my car looking down at a phone which was much newer and nicer than the one he actually had during life. He didn't look real, but he looked like Kenny--then he floated away and I woke up. That must have been my New Year's Day gift.

Anyway-} I wish all of you a Blessed and Beautiful 2013--} with lots of dreams coming true,, only you can make it happen-} with help from God, Angels, and the Universe**!