Its been a few years, but the Halloween stuff finally came out again! Eliora and I did some Halloween decorating tonight!! Yay, such fun- Eli made a stuffed man sitting on the bench on the porch and we hung some spooky stuff around and started the little graveyard. I have so many boxes to go through; there's still plenty to do. Sticky, bloody hand-prints and hanging ghosts shall be done soon. Then there's the lights, black tree and haunted house somewhere still to be found, not to mention all the spider webs to spread. I'm gonna do it up big like we have in the past. Halloween was always the favorite holiday in our house. I'm a little sorry Kenny isn't here to be a part of this- I can picture him shaking his fist, laughing and screaming "this is the year you decorate again!" Although I am sure he can enjoy it from above.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I am feeling much better~ stronger by the day. Hope has been found where there hasn't been any for many, many months. I feel greatly blessed to know Kenny left this Earth feeling how much I love him. Knowing that has brought me the sense of personal peace I have been needing, it brings a feeling of lightness to my heart and a sparks a light in my soul. Now I can concentrate on replacing the painful memory of his passing with all the wonderful, happy memories we shared during his lifetime. I won't say I am fully healed, I cried in the car quite a bit today and I still told Kenny I miss him when I looked at his picture and lit his candle. There are plans I must complete before my healing can be whole. Intentions which are highly important to me such as writing thank you cards, making his quilt, and putting beads, crystals and an inscription on the railroad nail I took from the tracks where Kenny died.
That's what I haven't started; although I took some steps in other personal ways of honoring Kenny today.
I would like to start collecting stories about Kenny from people. So if you are a reader and you knew Kenny I would very much like to have any stories you are willing to share- a funny memory; the story of how you met; maybe you have something special you can tell that not everyone knows or anything else that comes to your mind. I will make a small book with all the stories I can collect and of course, add some of my own. Anyone who would like can send them to my email: nettes.tears@gmail.com
I truly appreciate any stories...
Until tomorrow
Element of the day (day 65)
#81) Tl- Thallium-]metal
Discovered in 1861by William Crookes, England.
Soft enough to cut with a knife. Used in photocells, infrared detectors and glass that melts at low temperatures. Has been used as an insecticide and rodent poison and in treating skin infections, but these used discontinued, due to thallium's high toxicity.
Fairly rare. Chiefly obtained as a by-product of zinc processing. Minerals include crooksite, lorandite and thalcusite. The manganese nodules on the ocean floor contain some thallium.
Friday, October 5, 2012
64*(more) a note with love from Tricia
I'm feeling better now. I just had a conversation with a loved one who I haven't kept in touch with much but she and her family have been very supportive of my mourning process. I think of her as Aunt Trish 'cause that's what I've always called her. I found a note she gave me a few months ago, shortly before I started this blog actually. I will share what she wrote in the note because it has beautiful words and was an inspiration to me, even though I wasn't quite ready to listen. Her and her daughter, Misty came to check on me on a day during my darkest, darkest days back in July. I was feeling totally hopeless and didn't want to go on living. It was not long after my father-in-law Ken died and the impact of his loss after Kenny's increased my pain to the breaking point of my heart and spirit. Her words touched a deep spot in my heart. I am deeply, entirely grateful to her.
Here is what she said in her note:
"Do not let your loss and cloudy thoughts allow you to forget the Gift Kenny was- let his legacy of being funny, doing for others Always before his self and Laughing for no Reason Live On. Make his death have a purpose."
I hope that by creating this blog and sharing mine and Kenny's stories I have been able to honor that request.
"A human being is part of the whole called by us the Universe, a part limited in time and space. We experience ourselves, our thoughts and feelings as something separate from the rest. A kind of optical delusion of consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty...We shall require a substantially new manner of thinking if mankind is to survive."
-Albert Einstein
This quote speaks to me because in effect it tells of the experience I am going through by writing this blog. By sharing my mourning and healing process I hope to connect with a higher consciousness in the Universe and maybe touch a few hearts out there in the world. I write with honesty and love, true to my heart in its pain and coming into a place of hope, faith and joy.
Until tomorrow (or later today,its after midnight).... and as Kenny would say
"PEACE"
Here is what she said in her note:
"Do not let your loss and cloudy thoughts allow you to forget the Gift Kenny was- let his legacy of being funny, doing for others Always before his self and Laughing for no Reason Live On. Make his death have a purpose."
I hope that by creating this blog and sharing mine and Kenny's stories I have been able to honor that request.
 | |||
| Kenny in the snow with his stick-summer 2011 |
-Albert Einstein
This quote speaks to me because in effect it tells of the experience I am going through by writing this blog. By sharing my mourning and healing process I hope to connect with a higher consciousness in the Universe and maybe touch a few hearts out there in the world. I write with honesty and love, true to my heart in its pain and coming into a place of hope, faith and joy.
Until tomorrow (or later today,its after midnight).... and as Kenny would say
"PEACE"
Thursday, October 4, 2012
64* quotes and pics
Tonight I am feeling very sad and tired so I will only put pictures and quotes in this entry
"Concerning matter, we have been all wrong. What we call matter is energy, whose vibration has been so lowered as to be perceptible to the senses. There is no matter."
-Albert Einstein
"Energy cannot be created or destroyed; it can only be changed from one form to another"
-Albert Einstein
"Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only stubbornly persistent illusion."
-Albert Einstein
Here is a quote Kenny would love:
"Earth is the insane asylum of the universe."
-Albert Einstein
<- this is Kenny being his silly self. He decided to put his glass in his pocket and drink from the straw. It was really funny so I had to sneak a
pic.
Element of the day (day 64)
#79) Au- Gold-] metal
Discovered in Antiquity.
Soft, shiny, yellow metal. The most malleable and ductile of any element, but pure gold is too soft for most uses. A good conductor of heat and electricity. Used as money, jewelry, dental work, electrical contacts and wires, photography and for special types of glass. Good at reflecting heat, and is often used as a plating on spacecraft to keep them cool. Used to treat cancer and rheumatoid arthritis.
Primarily found as the pure metal. Mined in South Africa, the USA, Russia, Australia and Canada.
 |
| Kenny and Ben- April 2011 |
-Albert Einstein
 | ||
| Kenny and Callie- April 2011 |
-Albert Einstein
 | ||
| Kenny |
-Albert Einstein
 |
| Kenny at Red Robin-July 2009 |
Here is a quote Kenny would love:
"Earth is the insane asylum of the universe."
-Albert Einstein
<- this is Kenny being his silly self. He decided to put his glass in his pocket and drink from the straw. It was really funny so I had to sneak a
pic.
Element of the day (day 64)
#79) Au- Gold-] metal
Discovered in Antiquity.
Soft, shiny, yellow metal. The most malleable and ductile of any element, but pure gold is too soft for most uses. A good conductor of heat and electricity. Used as money, jewelry, dental work, electrical contacts and wires, photography and for special types of glass. Good at reflecting heat, and is often used as a plating on spacecraft to keep them cool. Used to treat cancer and rheumatoid arthritis.
Primarily found as the pure metal. Mined in South Africa, the USA, Russia, Australia and Canada.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
63* (2) bright blue light
Kenny's memory candle for this month just blew out- kind of amazing. My emotions are so high I don't know how I will be able to sleep tonight. Today I got a little piece of my faith back, and even though I do not feel totally healed there is hope in my heart once again. Even with that there is still a lot of hurt. I cried so much today but I also laughed and felt my spirit lift a little. Its as if there are layers and layers twirling in a spiral and I am slowly moving upward to the tip of the spiral where there is light and love and joy. I am no longer on the bottom maybe somewhere on the third rung with many more to go to reach the top. I pray I can get there before the time comes for this blog to end.
Kenny's one year anniversary is fast approaching and his birthday is even nearer. I wonder if it will be a day of celebration or a day of sorrow. Most likely a mixture of both. There are thoughts in my head but they seem to be engulfed in a cloud and I cannot get to them. I hope I am better able to convey my feelings in the future.
+++++RANDOM TOPIC+++++-- the dvr light--
Kenny liked to sleep in total darkness. There is a dvr beneath his tv and it emits a very bright blue light. It used to drive Kenny crazy so he started to put a Nintendo 64 game in front of it to block the light. I remember seeing this random game on his shelf and I asked him about it-that's when he told me of the light and how it bothered him and kept him from sleeping. The game is still there however, most of the time I don't use it. To be honest, most of the time when I sleep in Kenny's room I leave the tv on with the volume on mute so I don't have to be in darkness. Last night I had so much trouble sleeping and for some reason the light from the tv bothered me so I turned the tv off. After awhile of tossing and turning, the bright blue light really bothered me so I covered it with the game the way Kenny used to do.
Kenny's dvr is still set to record the shows he recorded when he was alive. One of them is 'the Colbert report'. Sometimes late at night, I watch that show from his dvr and imagine Kenny is laughing with me...I think I will watch it now [:-D
Kenny's one year anniversary is fast approaching and his birthday is even nearer. I wonder if it will be a day of celebration or a day of sorrow. Most likely a mixture of both. There are thoughts in my head but they seem to be engulfed in a cloud and I cannot get to them. I hope I am better able to convey my feelings in the future.
+++++RANDOM TOPIC+++++-- the dvr light--
Kenny liked to sleep in total darkness. There is a dvr beneath his tv and it emits a very bright blue light. It used to drive Kenny crazy so he started to put a Nintendo 64 game in front of it to block the light. I remember seeing this random game on his shelf and I asked him about it-that's when he told me of the light and how it bothered him and kept him from sleeping. The game is still there however, most of the time I don't use it. To be honest, most of the time when I sleep in Kenny's room I leave the tv on with the volume on mute so I don't have to be in darkness. Last night I had so much trouble sleeping and for some reason the light from the tv bothered me so I turned the tv off. After awhile of tossing and turning, the bright blue light really bothered me so I covered it with the game the way Kenny used to do.
Kenny's dvr is still set to record the shows he recorded when he was alive. One of them is 'the Colbert report'. Sometimes late at night, I watch that show from his dvr and imagine Kenny is laughing with me...I think I will watch it now [:-D
63* Kenny in spirit, my reading with medium
Today, I had my first time ever reading with a medium in person. She is someone who was recommended to me by Dr. Salo, my spiritual advisor. The reading was ABSOULUTELY AMAZING!!!
There is so much to say that I can not go into detail on all of it. There were many validations that Kenny is here with me in spirit. She started with saying she "felt" him riding in the car with her on her drive to the store. She said she just wanted to laugh with his lively, giggly energy. She felt like he wanted to make her laugh and that he had done that in life. She talked about how caring Kenny was and that he always wanted to take care of everyone. She said he would sacrifice his feelings to save someone else from hurting, and that he wouldn't share his pain with everyone.That was exactly true to Kenny's nature. She talked of how loving he was -how he liked to give hugs and put his head on my shoulder. Something he did when he was sad or telling me about stuff as we sat on the couch together. She asked me if he wore a hat-> I said he wore a hat all the time. She described how he would take the tip with one hand and the bottom of the cap with the other and turn it a little to the side, which is something Kenny did all the time. I smiled with the memory.
The first thing she saw when we sat down was a top hat. She asked if he had a top hat, and I told her he wore one for his last Halloween costume. Then she asked if I did something with it recently. I was shocked because just this morning before I went to appointment I assigned the picture to a contact in my phone.
She talked about Kenny and Vincent being 'like twins' and said she sensed they were very close in age. I told her they were 11months apart. She said there was a very strong closeness between them and how hard it is for Vincent now, that he is trying to process losing Kenny. Her words to me is that Vincent feels like he has lost his other half. Truly Amazing- those were the exact words Vincent said at Kenny's service.
She said he wouldn't tell her about his death, she asked over and over but he wouldn't answer, like he didn't want to go there. So I told her how he died, what he did. She says he said he had tunnel vision when he left. All he thought was how he needed to leave this life, and he didn't think of anything else or anyone else or the consequences of his actions. He mentioned that he thinks he should have stuck it out longer. She said he was surprised at how it affected everyone- he didn't expect so much sadness and grief. He was touched at what was said by everyone at his service and that he said " I didn't see myself that way". She talked about how I swept his hair away from his face. I did that when I saw his body for the first time at the service when I was alone with him.
Then she described Callie and that she is grieving greatly. She said Kenny is watching over her, that they were very close and that he told things to Callie he didn't share with anyone else. He also wanted to thank her for the facebook post she placed after he died.
She then asked about the blue suit, the very blue suit with a tie. I told her that was Ben's suit and he was famous for it. She said Kenny is also with Ben and that was his way of acknowledging Ben.
She said he is happy now, that he wanted to leave and go where he could be happy. She said he lived his life's purpose, which was to experience unconditional love and that I gave that to him-that he really felt loved in his life and that had nothing to do with his leaving. She also said there was nothing anyone could do and not to hold onto how he died.
Other highlights:
-he's happy his brother is driving his car and that Vincent
thinks of Kenny when he gets in the car-and he is in the
car with Vincent when he drives.
- he is stronger now and watching over us
- he knows I miss him but he is okay
- something about 'big shoes', the feeling of shoes being
too big, maybe about his clown shoes?
- something about a bird, I didn't understand
- something about the #12, came up a couple times, I
don't know why; #12 lingered even after the reading
was over- I have no idea about the #12
One of the biggest validations was about the song. She said something about a song that makes me think of him and the words of the song being written. I told her about my blog post and the song I wrote for him. She told me to listen to the words, that the words had meaning.
Before I went she had no information other than I had a son who died- she didn't have his name or my full name or any information at all. I believe she is a gifted medium who gave me the blessing of sharing Kenny's spirit. I believe that Kenny is where he wanted to be and that his soul is on the journey it needs to be on. I am grateful that he left knowing how much I love him and that he loves me still. She said the energy is still there and gave me a quote from Albert Einstein that I don't remember now but will look for tomorrow.
Oh, I almost forgot she said she feels like Kenny comes to me in my dreams-totally true!!
That's all for now, until tomorrow...
Element of the day (day 63)
#78) Pt- Platinum-]metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants.
Known in antiquity in South America.
Europeans discovered it in 1735, Antoinio de Ulloa of Spain.
Lustrous, silvery-white metal, very stable. Malleable and ductile metal. Used in jewelry, dental appliances, electrical contacts and equipment, corrosion-resistant equipment, missile nose cones, jet engine parts, catalysts and catalytic converters, in anti-cancer drugs.
Found in its native state, alloyed with other platinum group metals. Produced from mines in Canada, Russia, South Africa, the USA, Zimbabwe and Australia. Some as a by-product from nickel processing.
There is so much to say that I can not go into detail on all of it. There were many validations that Kenny is here with me in spirit. She started with saying she "felt" him riding in the car with her on her drive to the store. She said she just wanted to laugh with his lively, giggly energy. She felt like he wanted to make her laugh and that he had done that in life. She talked about how caring Kenny was and that he always wanted to take care of everyone. She said he would sacrifice his feelings to save someone else from hurting, and that he wouldn't share his pain with everyone.That was exactly true to Kenny's nature. She talked of how loving he was -how he liked to give hugs and put his head on my shoulder. Something he did when he was sad or telling me about stuff as we sat on the couch together. She asked me if he wore a hat-> I said he wore a hat all the time. She described how he would take the tip with one hand and the bottom of the cap with the other and turn it a little to the side, which is something Kenny did all the time. I smiled with the memory.
 |
| The picture with Kenny's top hat-Halloween 2010 |
She talked about Kenny and Vincent being 'like twins' and said she sensed they were very close in age. I told her they were 11months apart. She said there was a very strong closeness between them and how hard it is for Vincent now, that he is trying to process losing Kenny. Her words to me is that Vincent feels like he has lost his other half. Truly Amazing- those were the exact words Vincent said at Kenny's service.
She said he wouldn't tell her about his death, she asked over and over but he wouldn't answer, like he didn't want to go there. So I told her how he died, what he did. She says he said he had tunnel vision when he left. All he thought was how he needed to leave this life, and he didn't think of anything else or anyone else or the consequences of his actions. He mentioned that he thinks he should have stuck it out longer. She said he was surprised at how it affected everyone- he didn't expect so much sadness and grief. He was touched at what was said by everyone at his service and that he said " I didn't see myself that way". She talked about how I swept his hair away from his face. I did that when I saw his body for the first time at the service when I was alone with him.
Then she described Callie and that she is grieving greatly. She said Kenny is watching over her, that they were very close and that he told things to Callie he didn't share with anyone else. He also wanted to thank her for the facebook post she placed after he died.
She then asked about the blue suit, the very blue suit with a tie. I told her that was Ben's suit and he was famous for it. She said Kenny is also with Ben and that was his way of acknowledging Ben.
She said he is happy now, that he wanted to leave and go where he could be happy. She said he lived his life's purpose, which was to experience unconditional love and that I gave that to him-that he really felt loved in his life and that had nothing to do with his leaving. She also said there was nothing anyone could do and not to hold onto how he died.
Other highlights:
-he's happy his brother is driving his car and that Vincent
thinks of Kenny when he gets in the car-and he is in the
car with Vincent when he drives.
- he is stronger now and watching over us
- he knows I miss him but he is okay
- something about 'big shoes', the feeling of shoes being
too big, maybe about his clown shoes?
- something about a bird, I didn't understand
- something about the #12, came up a couple times, I
don't know why; #12 lingered even after the reading
was over- I have no idea about the #12
One of the biggest validations was about the song. She said something about a song that makes me think of him and the words of the song being written. I told her about my blog post and the song I wrote for him. She told me to listen to the words, that the words had meaning.
Before I went she had no information other than I had a son who died- she didn't have his name or my full name or any information at all. I believe she is a gifted medium who gave me the blessing of sharing Kenny's spirit. I believe that Kenny is where he wanted to be and that his soul is on the journey it needs to be on. I am grateful that he left knowing how much I love him and that he loves me still. She said the energy is still there and gave me a quote from Albert Einstein that I don't remember now but will look for tomorrow.
Oh, I almost forgot she said she feels like Kenny comes to me in my dreams-totally true!!
That's all for now, until tomorrow...
Element of the day (day 63)
#78) Pt- Platinum-]metal
Beneficial to full health, or thought to be for plants.
Known in antiquity in South America.
Europeans discovered it in 1735, Antoinio de Ulloa of Spain.
Lustrous, silvery-white metal, very stable. Malleable and ductile metal. Used in jewelry, dental appliances, electrical contacts and equipment, corrosion-resistant equipment, missile nose cones, jet engine parts, catalysts and catalytic converters, in anti-cancer drugs.
Found in its native state, alloyed with other platinum group metals. Produced from mines in Canada, Russia, South Africa, the USA, Zimbabwe and Australia. Some as a by-product from nickel processing.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
62* Lil Caesar's pizza pizza
Today while I was walking the dog, I found a rusty, muddy, old penny with rivets dented around parts of the edges. It was laying on the sidewalk waiting for me to find it. It's been a long time since I've found a random penny on the sidewalk or street. Whenever I find one, I call it a 'Kenny Penny' and I'm happy when I pick it up.
---]Random Topic[---
<-Lil Caesar's Pizza->
Kenny started eating Lil Caesar's at a little more than a year old because his Grandpa Ken liked to buy it, and they already existed in Reseda, where we lived. It was the 'go to' pizza whenever there was a family get together because they were buy two for the price of one. I remember when the boys were young they would say "pizza, pizza" like the commercials.I never liked it much, still don't, so we didn't eat it home.
Kenny started buying it after he started driving. When he started city college his schedule required him to take a class on Thursday night the last two semesters he was in school. He started buying a $5 pizza on the way home in between classes. After a few weeks, it began to be a common routine that every Thursday Kenny would buy himself a $5 pizza for dinner and then go off to school. Most of the time he would eat half the pizza and save the other half. Sometimes I would ask him for the crust off a piece because he didn't like the crust and that was the only part I did like-otherwise the crust would go to the trash.The leftover pizza always went in the outside fridge with the filtered water. There were times when I would go to sleep and both the pizza and a full water filter were in the fridge; then when I woke up the next morning the pizza would be gone and the water would be almost empty. That meant Kenny had been up all night talking to his friends or playing StarCraft. Since Kenny has been dead we have not had Lil Caesar's pizza in our house. I kind of miss seeing those boxes in the fridge when I go to get water in the morn'.
Until tomorrow...
Element of the day (day 62)
#77) Ir- Iridium-] metal
Discovered in 1803 by Smithson Tennant, England.
Very hard and brittle. It hardens other metals it is alloyed to, especially platinum. These alloys are used in spark plugs, electrical contacts and high temperature crucibles and as a catalyst.
Found only in its pure form and in osmiridium, a natural alloy of iridium and osmium. Most of the world's iridium is mined in Canada, Russia and South Africa. Recovered as a by-product of platinum and nickel processing.
---]Random Topic[---
<-Lil Caesar's Pizza->
Kenny started eating Lil Caesar's at a little more than a year old because his Grandpa Ken liked to buy it, and they already existed in Reseda, where we lived. It was the 'go to' pizza whenever there was a family get together because they were buy two for the price of one. I remember when the boys were young they would say "pizza, pizza" like the commercials.I never liked it much, still don't, so we didn't eat it home.
Kenny started buying it after he started driving. When he started city college his schedule required him to take a class on Thursday night the last two semesters he was in school. He started buying a $5 pizza on the way home in between classes. After a few weeks, it began to be a common routine that every Thursday Kenny would buy himself a $5 pizza for dinner and then go off to school. Most of the time he would eat half the pizza and save the other half. Sometimes I would ask him for the crust off a piece because he didn't like the crust and that was the only part I did like-otherwise the crust would go to the trash.The leftover pizza always went in the outside fridge with the filtered water. There were times when I would go to sleep and both the pizza and a full water filter were in the fridge; then when I woke up the next morning the pizza would be gone and the water would be almost empty. That meant Kenny had been up all night talking to his friends or playing StarCraft. Since Kenny has been dead we have not had Lil Caesar's pizza in our house. I kind of miss seeing those boxes in the fridge when I go to get water in the morn'.
Until tomorrow...
Element of the day (day 62)
#77) Ir- Iridium-] metal
Discovered in 1803 by Smithson Tennant, England.
Very hard and brittle. It hardens other metals it is alloyed to, especially platinum. These alloys are used in spark plugs, electrical contacts and high temperature crucibles and as a catalyst.
Found only in its pure form and in osmiridium, a natural alloy of iridium and osmium. Most of the world's iridium is mined in Canada, Russia and South Africa. Recovered as a by-product of platinum and nickel processing.
Monday, October 1, 2012
61* ocean waves
~Today I had an excellent day~~I drove away for the day to Santa Cruz~ I walked on the beach, played in the waves of the ocean and enjoyed the sunset on the rocks as boats sailed by near the harbor...it was the kind of day Kenny would have loved, especially since the waves were crashing enormously high and strong~~~he would have loved running straight into those giant swells from head to toe~ I can picture him laughing, running and jumping now :)
Until tomorrow, Love and Peace
Element of the day (day 61)
#76) Os- Osmium-]metal
Discovered in 1803 by Smithson Tennant, England.
The densest of the elements. A brick-sized block of osmium would weigh about 56 pounds. Used to create extremely hard alloys. Ballpoint pen tips, durable electrical contacts and high stress joints and pivots are usually made of an osmium alloy. Is used in pacemakers and heart replacement valves.
Obtained as a by-product of nickel processing in South Africa, Russia, Canada, Australia and the USA.
Until tomorrow, Love and Peace
Element of the day (day 61)
#76) Os- Osmium-]metal
Discovered in 1803 by Smithson Tennant, England.
The densest of the elements. A brick-sized block of osmium would weigh about 56 pounds. Used to create extremely hard alloys. Ballpoint pen tips, durable electrical contacts and high stress joints and pivots are usually made of an osmium alloy. Is used in pacemakers and heart replacement valves.
Obtained as a by-product of nickel processing in South Africa, Russia, Canada, Australia and the USA.
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