Here is my version of what led to Kenny's depression and eventual demise:
Kenny was always a very unique individual. He didn't speak in oral conversation until he was four years old. And at that young age -- he created a language that only he and his older brother Jheremy understood.
When he was in first grade -- I discovered through a conversation with his teacher that he was quite the quirky and funny character -- often making his classmates break out in laughter.
He seemed to get along fine through elementary school. He had few friends, but they were good friends. As it turned out -- Kenny always felt out of place because of his unusually kind heart and distinctive philosophy of fairness in the world.
7th grade is where the real trouble began. It was the first time being in a school with so many individuals who didn't know him and his special way of thinking. It was also the beginning of dressing out for gym class along with a bunch of rowdy boys with little to no supervision.
And in the locker room of his junior high school is where the severe bullying began. I could see a difference in his personality early in the school year. I could see that he was troubled and had been crying. It was a few months of me prodding before he confided in me about what was happening. Of course, as a concerned mother I made the phone call to the principal. What a mistake that was!
The principal's tactic of dealing with this situation was to have Kenny and his attacker meet in his office -- forcing the abuser to apologize to Kenny. This only made the situation worse. Naturally, I was extremely upset and had my son removed from that class and put into another class. Once again, Kenny was in a locker room with no one who was his friend. However, there were friends of the boy who bullied him from the previous class. Those boys took over the role of bullying my kind-hearted child who didn't believe in being aggressive. By this time, Kenny was terrified and didn't want to go to school. And, in light of what happened the first time he spoke out -- he would not give up the names of the bullies. I was outraged and contacted the school to no avail. There was no protection for my son. To this day,, I don't know the details of the torment my darling Kenny endured -- only the extent of its effect on his self perspective. He was never the same after those first months of junior high school.
Due to the lack of adequate response by the authorities of the school, I pulled Kenny out of 7th grade and had him home schooled the remainder of the year. Luckily for me, Jheremy was a senior in high school and was also home schooling because he only needed two classes to graduate so Kenny stayed home with Jheremy while I worked.
The following year: Kenny returned to the same junior high school for his 8th grade year, but this time he was not alone. Vincent started 7th grade that year. Now, one of Vincent's strongest personality traits is he can be very intimidating and he made it quite clear that no one was to mess with his brother. Kenny made it through that school year without any major incidents.
Then came Freshman year of high school. Kenny had made a few more friends; however, they had many different classes. And once again -- he was being bullied. Without the protection of his brother. Within a couple months of the school year, Kenny was skipping classes without leaving the school. He would often walk around campus or sit outside a classroom.
Eventually, this became noticed by the staff and campus security. Then came the day Kenny wrote a letter to one of his close friends in which he expressed a desire to end his life. This caused great concern on her part and the letter was taken to the school administration. This began the first intervention with the authorities. Social Services became involved. The C.A.R.E. unit was sent to the school and I was notified. At this point, I knew the situation was extremely serious. Once again, I pulled Kenny out of school. I quit my job and contacted the mental health department. Kenny started going to counseling, but I refused to allow for medication. At the time, I was very much opposed to drug treatment. I thought counseling and care would make enough of a difference. Kenny began to speak of suicide on a regular basis, although he never took any action.
I stayed with him night and day everyday. The only exception being when I would drive Vincent to school in the morning. Kenny's first counselor was a woman who was pregnant with her first child, whom Kenny was able to convince that he was going to kill himself.
I will never forget the day it happened. The day he convinced her he was in imminent danger. Kenny had spoken of his desire to go to mental hospital. Mostly, for the experience of it. On this particular day at his appointment he told his counselor that he had taken a knife out of the drawer while I had driven Vincent to school and he was going to harm himself.
Her response was to put him on a 24 hour suicide hold. She told me he would be staying in town and that I could stay with him. Me, being the naive woman that I was agreed to sign the paper work. My signature was all she needed to fulfill a different plan. As it turned out -- there was no place in town for him to stay. When I left to get him clothes and personal belongings for both of us, the county began the process of having him sent away. When I returned to the facility, I was not allowed to see him. I became hysterical and mi mama had to be called in. I was informed that Kenny was being sent away to a mental hospital in Southern California. I was not told where he was going. I watched in torment as he was driven away in the ambulance. I offered to drive him to where he was being sent, but it was useless. I was helpless to stop the process.
I didn't sleep at all that night, waiting to hear where he was going to end up. It wasn't until the following day that I found out where he was. I called the hospital as quick as I received the information but I was not allowed to talk to him. It was three days before I was able to go see him. I was devastated. He was in the hospital for nearly two weeks. I drove up every time I was allowed to see him. His father and grandfather also made trips to see him. Needless to say, his father was furious with me and blamed me for the course of events that took place. After the second visit, I was informed that if I didn't agree to have anti-depressants administered they were not going to release Kenny. Dismayingly, I agreed to the medication. I continued to fight for his release. Finally, on the condition that he continue therapy and medical treatment, I was able to bring Kenny home.
Immediately, I had him transferred to a new therapist. This time it was a man, and after about a month of very little response with Kenny -- the therapist was able to make a break through. The difference in these sessions was that I was able to participate in the second half of the session. This continued for a few months, and then Kenny began attending alone. I would go in for updates once a week with the therapist. Finally, there was progress in the recovery of Kenny's mental state. After more than a year, he returned to high school during the second half of his Junior year. Vincent was also attending high school in his Sophomore year. Also, all of Kenny's close friends were aware of the situation and kept an eye on him.
That's when the improvement started. He finished Junior year, developing a passion for Chemistry. That summer he learned to drive and received his driver's license. His dad bought him a car and Kenny began to thrive. I also returned to school -- starting the fall of his Senior year. I began going to local university- CSUF.
Kenny began making new friends. Earning a reputation for his generous and individual spirit. Many of Vincent's friends were fond of Kenny as well. Life was good. He participated in after school activities and built relationships with his favorite teachers and developed a close bond with the friends he had known most of his childhood. He graduated with honors, however he chose community college over university college.
He spent the summer with friends and family and his personality shined with the light I had come to adore and depend on. I called him my sunlight. He was the most selfless, loving human I have ever known.
Unfortunately, at the end of summer, a new way of life began. His two closest friends went to different schools. His lifetime best friend went away to college in another town, and although his other best friend was in the same town, she was at the university. Once again, he was all alone in a new place and struggled as he had done in the past feeling as if he didn't fit in. Of course he didn't. He was too different. Too special to be ordinary. As a friend expressed on his facebook page after his passing "he was too good for this world".
Gradually, his perspective and personality began to revert to the days of major depression. He displayed signs of loneliness and hopelessness. Also during this time there were changes in his friendships. A rift occurred between two of his friends whom had once been best of friends. This led to a separation in the circle of friends he depended on for support and stability. This took a great toll on his soul and spirit. He wanted so much to bring them back together but was unable to fulfill this desperate desire.
I noticed the greatest changes at the beginning of his third semester of community college. By this time, Vincent had graduated from high school and I had received my Bachelor's degree from CSUF. It was 2011. Although Kenny's relationships with his two best friends continued, the reality of life didn't allow them much time together. It became obvious to me the depression was steadily invading his spirit. He even took the initiative to see a psychological counselor at the school. To his great disappointment he felt even more misunderstood. Two days before he took his life we had a conversation about him seeing a therapist who had been one of my psychology professors whom I was sure would be able to guide Kenny through this strongly developing road to suicide. As it turned out -- Kenny simply decided it was too much to deal with and November 29th was the day he rationally decided to leave us.
It was that afternoon that I found an English essay he had written a week or so previous in which he expressed the need to take actions to preserve what is best for one's self. In the future, I hope to find it and put it on the blog.
In closing, here is a quote from that essay:
" Happiness is what you make it to be "
- Kenny S. Cipolla
It is my perspective that Kenny chose his happiness by deciding to leave the miseries of earthly life forever.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Sunday, March 29, 2015
152* - change -
Ever-changing is life.... a fluctuation of people passing through--> places to be lived in--> and activities, various in nature and pleasure.
Change.
For better or worse,, it is the one constant in my life since Kenny has died.
Death.
The absolute worst change that has ever been a part of this life I lead.
As I was gazing toward the wondrous constellations at 4am--I wondered how different it is to be on the other side of life; being able to navigate freely through space and time.
How much I would enjoy being among the stars and the moonlight every night instead of a bed in a room.
I think of the room Kenny left behind. He must not miss it . Probably not miss a thing.
Not even the black closet which made the room all his own.
I spent many a time crying in his closet after he was gone. Packing it up was extremely difficult because there were so many memories there - in his books, especially his notebooks with his drawings and his personal language written in symbols I could not understand. And all the clothes that hung there for months after he departed, hanger after hanger of black shirts and black jeans. Black was his color of choice.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[THE BLACK CLOSET]]]]]]]]]]]]
this is Kenny's black closet. I think we painted it during the time he was out of school and in therapy. I remember he wanted his entire room to be black. At the time, I thought an entire room of black walls would only add to his depression so we agreed on beginning the painting project with the closet. we were supposed to paint the walls a different color and then paint the baseboards and trim black. however, that never happened.... we never got more than the closet done. It must have been a year or so that he had his black closet, which I must admit was extremely cool. it was a two or three day project and it was one of the funnest times I had with Kenny in his room. we talked and laughed. I can picture him in his ripped up black jeans and skulls t-shirt with a giant grin on his face . I wear that t-shirt now. I don't know how he managed to not get any paint on it. Actually, it was a fairly easy job for the most part. we looked at a lot of his childhood mementos together. He still had his pikachu sweatshirt from an old halloween costume. how much I wish I still had that sweatshirt.
and it's odd that I cannot find any pictures of Kenny from that halloween. he also had a shirt from when he was an alligator in a school play.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A is for Alligator
1st grade~~ Kenny was attending Bullard Talent Elementary. As was required-- he participated in a play and a musical each school year, and played an instrument. His instrument of choice was the flute, I think? He was there for 1st and 2nd grade and then he'd had enough, insisting on going to a "regular" school with Vincent.
This particular play was called the Alphabet play and each first grader was an animal that coincided with the letter they were chosen to play. The best part of this costume was the hat by far. I made the hat with tons of green tissue paper and humungous wiggle eyes. It was still in his closet when I packed it up last year. I wanted to hold onto the hat, but I can't remember if I did. What a strange looking costume, huh? Poor Kenny!! Those green socks stuck around for many years I remember... On the positive side, Kenny enjoyed 1st grade quite a lot! His 1st grade teacher was his favorite until high school. Her name was Mrs. Condon, although she was lovingly referred to as "Mrs. C" from students, staff, and parents. Her room was a calming and magical space. She had a make believe bog complete with green netting hanging from the ceilings and a pretend pond with fake pussy willows and bunches of stuffed frogs and pillows. It was a very comfortable refuge from the stress of being a 1st grader. Frogs were the main theme in this classroom. I remember taking a picture of Kenny on a frog at Disneyland that school year because he wanted to give it to Mrs. C.
Those were the easier days of life. Before the horrific changes of teenage depression and suicide. I suppose in his mind it was the same frame of thought as when he ended his days at Bullard Talent--} he had enough life and insisted on ending his days here on Earth.
What a depressing change in life that has been for me.
I try my best to cope. As of yet, I have not completely succeeded. If that day ever comes -- it will be a welcome change.
Change.
For better or worse,, it is the one constant in my life since Kenny has died.
Death.
The absolute worst change that has ever been a part of this life I lead.
As I was gazing toward the wondrous constellations at 4am--I wondered how different it is to be on the other side of life; being able to navigate freely through space and time.
How much I would enjoy being among the stars and the moonlight every night instead of a bed in a room.
I think of the room Kenny left behind. He must not miss it . Probably not miss a thing.
Not even the black closet which made the room all his own.
I spent many a time crying in his closet after he was gone. Packing it up was extremely difficult because there were so many memories there - in his books, especially his notebooks with his drawings and his personal language written in symbols I could not understand. And all the clothes that hung there for months after he departed, hanger after hanger of black shirts and black jeans. Black was his color of choice.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[THE BLACK CLOSET]]]]]]]]]]]]
and it's odd that I cannot find any pictures of Kenny from that halloween. he also had a shirt from when he was an alligator in a school play.
 |
| 1997- 6 years old--- Kenny |
1st grade~~ Kenny was attending Bullard Talent Elementary. As was required-- he participated in a play and a musical each school year, and played an instrument. His instrument of choice was the flute, I think? He was there for 1st and 2nd grade and then he'd had enough, insisting on going to a "regular" school with Vincent.
This particular play was called the Alphabet play and each first grader was an animal that coincided with the letter they were chosen to play. The best part of this costume was the hat by far. I made the hat with tons of green tissue paper and humungous wiggle eyes. It was still in his closet when I packed it up last year. I wanted to hold onto the hat, but I can't remember if I did. What a strange looking costume, huh? Poor Kenny!! Those green socks stuck around for many years I remember... On the positive side, Kenny enjoyed 1st grade quite a lot! His 1st grade teacher was his favorite until high school. Her name was Mrs. Condon, although she was lovingly referred to as "Mrs. C" from students, staff, and parents. Her room was a calming and magical space. She had a make believe bog complete with green netting hanging from the ceilings and a pretend pond with fake pussy willows and bunches of stuffed frogs and pillows. It was a very comfortable refuge from the stress of being a 1st grader. Frogs were the main theme in this classroom. I remember taking a picture of Kenny on a frog at Disneyland that school year because he wanted to give it to Mrs. C.
Those were the easier days of life. Before the horrific changes of teenage depression and suicide. I suppose in his mind it was the same frame of thought as when he ended his days at Bullard Talent--} he had enough life and insisted on ending his days here on Earth.
What a depressing change in life that has been for me.
I try my best to cope. As of yet, I have not completely succeeded. If that day ever comes -- it will be a welcome change.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
151* Kenny missed National Pancake Day
"National Pancake Day>>>>" I can hear Kenny saying it. Did they even have that day when Kenny was alive? I don't recall.
Actually, National Pancake Day was last Tuesday, March 3rd. It's hard to believe it took a week to get this entry started. I thought it was fitting being Tuesday, because in my mind, Tuesday is Kenny day. I'm not sure if it would be considered odd, but I do sometimes think of my life in terms of Kenny still being here. Only in my imagination of course! What he would be saying,, what he would be doing; and on National pancake day-- I think he would want to be eating pancakes for every meal.
I know I've written before that Kenny loved pancakes. Definitely one of his favorite foods. He would eat them any time of day. For breakfast> in between breakfast and any other meal> after school> sometimes for dinner. >Even a late night snack. I would make them at all times of the day if he would ask. Pancakes and bacon make an excellent dinner. Now, as far as pancakes go...I could get away with adding raisins or chocolate chips, even blueberries mixed in the batter was acceptable from time to time, However, plain old fashioned pancakes (secret ingredients included) were most popular. And there was never, ever anything to be added on top of the pancakes except butter and pure maple syrup. He would eat fruit with his pancakes, but only on the side not on top. I thought of that as one of his Kenny quirks.
Last Tuesday, I ate pancakes at Denny's. Mine are so much better-- there's absolutely no comparison!! Kenny would be appalled. Then again, if he were still here, life would be very different and we would have been eaten homemade pancakes together. I look forward to the day I have my own space where I can make pancakes any time I want. I may even have a pancake party in honor of Kenny's love for pancakes. Possibly on his 24th birthday...
If it happens---- I shall blog about it. So those are my thoughts about Kenny missing National Pancake Day. He would be thrilled that there is day honoring his favorite breakfast item. After all, it has been said he never met anyone who enjoyed breakfast 7 times a day-- other than himself, that is.......
Until next time -- for those of you who enjoy pancakes,, may you think of Kenny and smile the next time you put a pancake in your mouth.
And--- I wonder-}-} If... Ben still grabs them, folds them, and takes a bite of pancake bliss??
Actually, National Pancake Day was last Tuesday, March 3rd. It's hard to believe it took a week to get this entry started. I thought it was fitting being Tuesday, because in my mind, Tuesday is Kenny day. I'm not sure if it would be considered odd, but I do sometimes think of my life in terms of Kenny still being here. Only in my imagination of course! What he would be saying,, what he would be doing; and on National pancake day-- I think he would want to be eating pancakes for every meal.
I know I've written before that Kenny loved pancakes. Definitely one of his favorite foods. He would eat them any time of day. For breakfast> in between breakfast and any other meal> after school> sometimes for dinner. >Even a late night snack. I would make them at all times of the day if he would ask. Pancakes and bacon make an excellent dinner. Now, as far as pancakes go...I could get away with adding raisins or chocolate chips, even blueberries mixed in the batter was acceptable from time to time, However, plain old fashioned pancakes (secret ingredients included) were most popular. And there was never, ever anything to be added on top of the pancakes except butter and pure maple syrup. He would eat fruit with his pancakes, but only on the side not on top. I thought of that as one of his Kenny quirks.
Last Tuesday, I ate pancakes at Denny's. Mine are so much better-- there's absolutely no comparison!! Kenny would be appalled. Then again, if he were still here, life would be very different and we would have been eaten homemade pancakes together. I look forward to the day I have my own space where I can make pancakes any time I want. I may even have a pancake party in honor of Kenny's love for pancakes. Possibly on his 24th birthday...
If it happens---- I shall blog about it. So those are my thoughts about Kenny missing National Pancake Day. He would be thrilled that there is day honoring his favorite breakfast item. After all, it has been said he never met anyone who enjoyed breakfast 7 times a day-- other than himself, that is.......
Until next time -- for those of you who enjoy pancakes,, may you think of Kenny and smile the next time you put a pancake in your mouth.
And--- I wonder-}-} If... Ben still grabs them, folds them, and takes a bite of pancake bliss??
Saturday, February 28, 2015
150* A tribute by Zac
https://www.dropbox.com/home/ZacAcaDecSpeech1_2014
OH,, how I pray this can be viewed by everyone!!!
3 years later... and I just saw it for the first time.
Click to watch
Well said, Zac! Thank you with all my heart <3
######################################################
march 1, 2015
Once again-- there are challenges to overcome. I tried to view Zac's recollection of Kenny's personality only to discover that the link isn't direct. So, I am trying another way to create a direct link to the post.
6:35 PM::: NEWS FLASH:
IF YOU COPY AND PASTE TO BROWSER IT YOU WILL BE CONNECTED TO LINK
Hope this works:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/9yu8v3gkcxj3hhj/IMG_0810.MOV?dl=0
For me, the learning process continues as I journey through the healing in an attempt to honor and preserve the bright life and unique personality of Kenny...
In its own way-- my education into the world of video media is a reflection on what would be my relationship with my patient son. Within that lies our connection-- despite the physical loss-- his spirit remains.
More to come..... until then may your lives be filled with
OH,, how I pray this can be viewed by everyone!!!
3 years later... and I just saw it for the first time.
Click to watch
Well said, Zac! Thank you with all my heart <3
######################################################
march 1, 2015
Once again-- there are challenges to overcome. I tried to view Zac's recollection of Kenny's personality only to discover that the link isn't direct. So, I am trying another way to create a direct link to the post.
6:35 PM::: NEWS FLASH:
IF YOU COPY AND PASTE TO BROWSER IT YOU WILL BE CONNECTED TO LINK
Hope this works:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/9yu8v3gkcxj3hhj/IMG_0810.MOV?dl=0
For me, the learning process continues as I journey through the healing in an attempt to honor and preserve the bright life and unique personality of Kenny...
In its own way-- my education into the world of video media is a reflection on what would be my relationship with my patient son. Within that lies our connection-- despite the physical loss-- his spirit remains.
More to come..... until then may your lives be filled with
 |
| LOVE |
 |
| LIGHT |
 |
| PEACE |
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
149* I miss you, Kenny
(from February 3rd)... unfinished
I began re-reading this blog a little over a week ago. Re-living all the tragic moments, minutes, hours, days, months and now years since the loss of my most precious son.
I have come to know that loss so well. It resides in me as part of my destiny in this life. Three years have gone by and the missing is still the same. No less heartache-- it trails behind me,, s-t-r-e-c-h-e-d in time.
I long to see you again Kenny. I wish we could sit and have a conversation as we did a trillion times during your life. I wonder what your words would be now. What is your spirit saying as you watch over me?
I know you are near in your own way. I feel you. I do not see you as I once did but your energy is there. I am filled with sadness. I try to fight it. This moment I have lost. I cry for I know that you will never return to this life. Of course, I have known this a long time.
I think I expected more. More of the spiritual connection-- the ability to be more in tune with your energy. Is that to come in time? When will our souls reconnect???
I began re-reading this blog a little over a week ago. Re-living all the tragic moments, minutes, hours, days, months and now years since the loss of my most precious son.
I have come to know that loss so well. It resides in me as part of my destiny in this life. Three years have gone by and the missing is still the same. No less heartache-- it trails behind me,, s-t-r-e-c-h-e-d in time.
I long to see you again Kenny. I wish we could sit and have a conversation as we did a trillion times during your life. I wonder what your words would be now. What is your spirit saying as you watch over me?
I know you are near in your own way. I feel you. I do not see you as I once did but your energy is there. I am filled with sadness. I try to fight it. This moment I have lost. I cry for I know that you will never return to this life. Of course, I have known this a long time.
I think I expected more. More of the spiritual connection-- the ability to be more in tune with your energy. Is that to come in time? When will our souls reconnect???
Thursday, January 29, 2015
148* Another new year, 38 months, and 11:29am- pm
So After a year of near complete neglect>> I have decided to resume this blog in dedication to Kenny.
I hope I am able to continue in a way that can somehow be true to the spirit of my son that I continue to miss and long to be connected with.
***************************************************************************************
As for personal healing-- there are areas of progress and areas lacking any healing at all. For the most part, Tuesdays have become another ordinary day of the week. I no longer light a candle on Tuesday. Some weeks I don't even realize its past.
Most of 2014, I spent void of allowing myself to remember, to feel, to reveal that the hole in my heart is still there.I tried to escape by dealing with all the hardships that come along with a life un-lived. Like a myriad of car problems, losing my home, and giving up my dog. AND most difficult of all, being separated from my youngest son. It is a part of life that I had hoped to avoid.
In reality, it has been easier than I expected; the dissolving of my little family.I don't feel disconnected to either Vincent or Jheremy. The only exception being my dog Ravenne, whom I miss tremendously.However, now that those tasks have come to pass, I once again find myself thinking and talking of Kenny as if time has hardly passed at all. As unusual as this is-- it MUST be part of the process. I believe it just became too much to deal with after the loss of my brother, then my uncle.
So, once again I embark on my spiritual journey-- hopeful that I will find my way back into my own light on this planet as Kenny has found light in the infinity of space.I have found a place in my mind that is resilient beyond what I believed possible for myself and it is renewing my faith in my personal power. My abilities to influence my own life's path rather than the circumstances of my heartaches.
I am rediscovering what it means to be me. What I value, what I believe, what I feel, what I think--- what I am willing to share, give, receive. My spirit is lifting the veil of darkness so my soul can peek through.I relive the hauntings of my life less with my mind, and more with the emotions that stir within me. I am in essence releasing the pain,, letting go of the ugliness,, so I can live in the beauty of what was once a happy place. Whilst doing so, creating an even more magnificent space of beauty, hope, and love.
The un-dying love of a mother, of a human whose true spirit is meant to feel connected to the universal energy that I have always known to be real. The extreme positive of my current reality is that I have come to long for my relationship with my other two sons with a passion that had been sidelined in my grieving process. I miss those two boys like crazy, a different kind of crazy than that of missing Kenny, but crazy none-the-less. And that>> in its own weirdness is true to me. True to my motherly connection with the children who bring joy to my heart, influence my thoughts and decisions, and renew my strength to keep fighting for the life I desire.
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>~>
Somewhere a silence is heard far away and the brightness of day fills the night, Where the trials of life are resolved into peace when a soul finds its way to the light.
May it comfort you to know that your loved one is now at peace.
~>~>~>~>~>~>~>
As I said, there are moments when there seems to be no healing at all. I found this card yesterday when I was doing some writing. It was given to me from Amy, her family, and Adrien. I remember the night of the service Amy couldn't stay in the chapel. Kenny had gone to see her a day or so before he took his life and she didn't talk to him for some reason. The guilt and pain were so present in her eyes that night we said good-bye to Kenny. I broke down and fell to my knees, crying out to the world, yelling Kenny's name after I saw the card. I only read the front at the time. Just now I read the card in its entirety. And the squealing cries begin. At this moment I am listening to "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. This song has been my current obsession since Sunday just passed. Its one I would have shared with Kenny. Does it speak to me or to my desire to save what I cannot save?? There have been many mini meltdowns over the last two days. Mini meltdowns because they come and go within 11 minutes time. Estimation of time in accordance to a number related to Kenny.However, there are less days of endless tears. Tears don't last as they once did. They are more soothing than painful now; although the searing throb in my heart hasn't disappeared completely. I think there will always be a torn sort of tenderness holding its place for Kenny's presence in my life.
[side note:
The lyrics were too much a distraction. No more Mraz for now. It is MOONSONG playing. I still go back and play this from time to time. Ben posted it on Kenny's facebook the night he died.]
It seems that Kenny's presence has been slowly reappearing this month. More so in the past week than in the past few months. I feel like he is watching over me again and sending signs that he hears me. I've been asking so much since this year began. Especially since my birthday not long ago.
 |
| New Year seashells |
The second significant sign was on Jan. 8 when I was visiting Vincent in Fresno. It had been quite a while since I had found a "Kenny penny" as I call them. A random penny that I find. We were at Wells Fargo and I was returning to the car and there was one beneath the car on the driver's side as I stepped down from the curb. Then, last night when I was getting ready to do a meditation, a penny popped onto my laptop as I plopped it onto my bed. I'm very sure there wasn't a penny on my bed earlier that day. I'm still puzzled as to how it appeared so I take it as a sign from Kenny.
Other signs]
-- Vincent and I got Table #29 at Pieology Pizzerria ( I associate the numbers 11 and 29 with Kenny as these were the numbers of the month, day, and year that he left his life behind.
-- 2 quarters--} story to come
-- molasses chips: okay,, so I rarely go to See's Candies. And as I am living in a new area hadn't been. But for some odd reason, I wanted one of their butterscotch lollypops on Monday(which I still have not eaten). So, I happen to be in a parking lot in SLO where there is a See's candy store. As is the tradition, the counter worker gave me a sample as I purchased my sole lollypop. And of all the candies-- it was dark chocolate molasses chips. One of mine and Kenny's favorites. Being as Kenny was a selfless sweetheart, we always ended up dividing the ones that came in a box. Every-time we went to the candy store he and I would pick that as one of our choices.Of course I thanked him as I munched away on those sweet, sweet chips.
--I made a purchase that came out to $11.29 one day last week-- I laughed and cried at the same time. The cashier must have thought I was crazy. I gave no explanation. Just said Kenny's name I think...
-- Earlier in the week, I went to get something from my car, opening the passenger side door and I see Kenny's picture on the driver's seat. I have no recollection of putting it on my seat although the picture had been in the backseat of my car with nearly all my other belongings due to a remodeling project of the home I am in.
-- And today...I'm driving past a school zone. Are you familiar with the signs that clock your speed when you are in a school zone? well, this one must have been faulty because the sign read in bright red bubbled lights that I was going 29!! I was not going 29...my speedometer read 35... that one really got me.
-- Also today....just as I'm getting ready to start this entry I look at my laptop clock and what do I see? > > > > > > > > > > > > > My, oh my, how the time has disappeared. I must be finishing up.
Lastly, I have a new place for Kenny. His special table is once again set up at mi Mama's so I keep a smaller version with me. This is the picture that was in my car. It's now on a shelf with a jar of his ashes I have kept with me since I went to Tennessee last summer. It gives me comfort just looking at the picture and knowing there is a tiny bit of what was once his physical being near me. A bit morbid for some people; yet just right for me.
Until next time.... "PEACE"...as Kenny would say!
Saturday, November 29, 2014
147* Another November 29th
Another November 29th.... Three years gone. Boo Hoo Hoo (Kenny would get it)
How can it be that another year has passed? The saying goes "time heals all wounds" but I emphatically do not believe it.
The days do not get any easier. Every so often there are happy days but its been so long I don't remember them.
In the past year, I feel as if I have truly lost Kenny. And today I could not find the connection that once kept him close to my soul.
It was a strange day. I felt lost,, with time slipping away very quickly.
***************************************************************
Since I no longer have a home-- Kenny's urn is on his special table at mi mama's house. I took his anniversary candle there late this morning.
When I went to light the candle, the lighter would not spark. I tried several times and finally gave up. Instead I used a match. I suppose that was a sign of the day to come.
I was hoping for time alone with Kenny, but that never happened. I spent awhile looking through pictures. Gathering them for Kenny's photo album that needs to be put back together.
Before I knew it- it was afternoon so I left to pick up Ravenne.
As I no longer have a home, she is staying with a friend. It is extremely difficult and I am quite sad without her even though she is being well taken care of -- my only consolation with the situation.
The plan was to take some of Kenny's ashes to the railroad tracks and then go for a drive someplace we could have a long walk. As fate would have it today, that plan did not come to fruition-- After I put Ravenne in the car, I realized I did not have the jar with Kenny's ashes. Its a small jar with a black lid and a gold peace sign sticker. I thought I locked his ashes in my friend's trunk in my purple backpack where they are supposed to be.
As it turned out three hours later when I was finally able to check my stuff in the trunk-- Kenny's ashes were not where I thought they were. As of now at nearly 11pm, I still have not found them.
##############################################################
So, I had to return to mi mama's to gather some more ashes in another little jar. By the time that was done, it was already dark outside.
However, Ravenne and I still took the drive to the tracks where Kenny callously took his life and spirit away from us. I pulled to the spot where I park and noticed there was a freight train stopped on the tracks. That seems to be a frequent occurrence lately. It stayed in its place the entire time we were there. We didn't take time for a walk. The short walks from earlier today were all we had time to share. It was a smidgen of happiness sprinkled into a mess of a day.
I found the place with the faded pink marking. I noticed lights coming down the tracks as I was getting ready to drop the ashes on the rail where the spot was marked. Within a minute of laying the ashes down-- an Amtrak sped by blowing them into the wind to join the millions of dust particles in the Universe.
I kept asking Kenny for a sign that he was still around. Later when I sat in the dirt talking to him I said "Kenny, you didn't give me a sign today". I heard a voice say in return "the train was the sign Mom". I can only hope that was Kenny's response and not me going crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life has changed very much in the last few months; although I would not say much of it has been progressive. That must be still to come.
A time and place that I have not been able to reach. A peace that once seemed attainable that I am no longer sure about.
There was a time when all in life seemed hopeful. However in the past three years I have grasped for hope time and time again, yet it somehow seems to slip through my fingertips repeatedly.
I wonder if that is how Kenny felt in the last months of his life. Those final weeks didn't tell much of what was in his mind. That he could actually leave it all behind him. Say good-bye to his life. Never to be Kenny again. I have no idea where he is on his journey. I feel the greatest separation from him that I have ever felt.
I am restless-- without peace of any kind. It is a dis-heartening feeling that I can not be free of. I have no idea what the next year will bring. If I will move on-- forward-- or whatever. And whatever does that mean anyway??
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In memory.....
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
In closing I would like to say-- I had no time for tears today. Not the real kind of tears that feel like 'I miss you son-- I cry for your loss'. So now is the time for those tears....to wash away the mishaps of the day,, the sorrow of a time with Kenny I can never get back and can't let go of.
The love for you is as deep as ever. No amount of time lessens my heart's hope for you, my grief that you are not here, or my desire to feel your presence. I MISS YOU MY DARLING SON!
Hugs to you in heaven. And also Love and Hugs to my Tio Manuel who left us one year ago today. May you both experience peace and light on the other side. <3
 |
| Kenny's special table-picture by Rob with frame from his glasses that I found on the tracks; marble urn Kenny would have thought is cool; glass bowl with dozens of feathers- Kenny signs; and his anniversary candle-- Nov. 29, 2014 |
How can it be that another year has passed? The saying goes "time heals all wounds" but I emphatically do not believe it.
The days do not get any easier. Every so often there are happy days but its been so long I don't remember them.
In the past year, I feel as if I have truly lost Kenny. And today I could not find the connection that once kept him close to my soul.
It was a strange day. I felt lost,, with time slipping away very quickly.
***************************************************************
Since I no longer have a home-- Kenny's urn is on his special table at mi mama's house. I took his anniversary candle there late this morning.
I was hoping for time alone with Kenny, but that never happened. I spent awhile looking through pictures. Gathering them for Kenny's photo album that needs to be put back together.
Before I knew it- it was afternoon so I left to pick up Ravenne.
As I no longer have a home, she is staying with a friend. It is extremely difficult and I am quite sad without her even though she is being well taken care of -- my only consolation with the situation.
 | |||
| Ravenne's new home for now |
The plan was to take some of Kenny's ashes to the railroad tracks and then go for a drive someplace we could have a long walk. As fate would have it today, that plan did not come to fruition-- After I put Ravenne in the car, I realized I did not have the jar with Kenny's ashes. Its a small jar with a black lid and a gold peace sign sticker. I thought I locked his ashes in my friend's trunk in my purple backpack where they are supposed to be.
As it turned out three hours later when I was finally able to check my stuff in the trunk-- Kenny's ashes were not where I thought they were. As of now at nearly 11pm, I still have not found them.
##############################################################
So, I had to return to mi mama's to gather some more ashes in another little jar. By the time that was done, it was already dark outside.
However, Ravenne and I still took the drive to the tracks where Kenny callously took his life and spirit away from us. I pulled to the spot where I park and noticed there was a freight train stopped on the tracks. That seems to be a frequent occurrence lately. It stayed in its place the entire time we were there. We didn't take time for a walk. The short walks from earlier today were all we had time to share. It was a smidgen of happiness sprinkled into a mess of a day.
I found the place with the faded pink marking. I noticed lights coming down the tracks as I was getting ready to drop the ashes on the rail where the spot was marked. Within a minute of laying the ashes down-- an Amtrak sped by blowing them into the wind to join the millions of dust particles in the Universe.
I kept asking Kenny for a sign that he was still around. Later when I sat in the dirt talking to him I said "Kenny, you didn't give me a sign today". I heard a voice say in return "the train was the sign Mom". I can only hope that was Kenny's response and not me going crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life has changed very much in the last few months; although I would not say much of it has been progressive. That must be still to come.
A time and place that I have not been able to reach. A peace that once seemed attainable that I am no longer sure about.
There was a time when all in life seemed hopeful. However in the past three years I have grasped for hope time and time again, yet it somehow seems to slip through my fingertips repeatedly.
I wonder if that is how Kenny felt in the last months of his life. Those final weeks didn't tell much of what was in his mind. That he could actually leave it all behind him. Say good-bye to his life. Never to be Kenny again. I have no idea where he is on his journey. I feel the greatest separation from him that I have ever felt.
I am restless-- without peace of any kind. It is a dis-heartening feeling that I can not be free of. I have no idea what the next year will bring. If I will move on-- forward-- or whatever. And whatever does that mean anyway??
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In memory.....
 | ||||||
| Kenny's ashes with peace sign, cross, heart and letter K-gift from cousin Jennifer and Tia Nellie |
 | ||
| sticker on the back of Eliora's truck with my lipstick kiss | |
 |
| one of Kenny's favorite snacks-- ate these while I wrote this entry-- been eating them a lot lately... |
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
In closing I would like to say-- I had no time for tears today. Not the real kind of tears that feel like 'I miss you son-- I cry for your loss'. So now is the time for those tears....to wash away the mishaps of the day,, the sorrow of a time with Kenny I can never get back and can't let go of.
The love for you is as deep as ever. No amount of time lessens my heart's hope for you, my grief that you are not here, or my desire to feel your presence. I MISS YOU MY DARLING SON!
Hugs to you in heaven. And also Love and Hugs to my Tio Manuel who left us one year ago today. May you both experience peace and light on the other side. <3
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