165* Kenny in the snow

Today is Tuesday the 29th of December. It has been 214 weeks since Kenny passed over to the other side*** as I began my day I thought " today is the 29th day of the month on a Tuesday, same as when Kenny died==} how shall I celebrate my son today?"

Quite different than on other 29th days of the month. So I asked Kenny for a sign, something that I could use as inspiration for today's blog entry.

And what should I see when I stride out in the morning? Frost on the grass-- frost on my car!! Now, in some places that may seem quite ordinary; however on the central coast of California it does not typically reach temperatures cold enough to cause frost,, and I have never experienced it before today since I left the valley.                                                      

Kenny (5 yrs) and Vinny (4 yrs) I LOVE THIS PIC!

Jheremy, Uncle Matthew, Vincent, Kenny 1996

From the first time Kenny experienced the wonders of snow he was hooked. I think he was 5 years old. He didn't mind getting bundled up or being soaked after playing in the snow. And, as he was at the beach, Kenny could be in the snow for hours. Running, sledding, spinning on snow discs, making snow balls==any, and all of it was great fun for him. I can hear his childhood laughter now...it's wonderful to remember him happy. 

snow digging? Vincent, Jheremy, Kenny

"Throw that snowball Kenny" 6yrs

snow sliding-- winter 1997

I, on the other hand, was done having fun after about half an hour. I would go sit in the car, teeth shattering, feeling like an icicle>> turn on the heater and try to defrost. I prefer to enjoy the spectacular view of the snow without feeling its effects.
Kenny was a nature lover. In retrospect I think the walls of his room slowly seeped the life out of him. I should have taken him out more. I feel the same happened to me while I was there. Being near the beauty of the ocean has helped me heal, however lonely it gets here.

12/ 22/ 1998 Jheremy, Kenny, Vincent

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One of the most special snow-days in Fresno occurred on December 22, 1998 while I was flying home from New Mexico. It was the day my Grandma Tanis died. Grandma grew up in New Mexico where it snowed every year, and that is where she died. I remember her complaining every winter in Fresno where she then lived; that it never snowed there and she missed the snow very much. Here are a couple of pictures the boy's dad took on that very special snow day. I always say it was a sign from my Grandma Tanis as if she was saying goodbye as the snowflakes fell. 

Is that a glow around Kenny?

Kenny, Ben, Zac- short sleeves in the snow- craziness

 Kenny's love of snow never faded. I often wish he had more snow trips. They became fewer and fewer as he grew older. His last day in the snow was spent with his best friend Ben and Ben's brother Zac. I don't remember if it was his last year of life or the year before, but I believe it was 1991.
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As the time turns to 11:29 p.m. I think of how I accomplished my goal this year with the blog. I started the year wanting to commemorate the 29th of every month with a blog entry. I tried to infuse a bit of Kenny's spirit in every writing and as many picture memories possible.

And, as if Kenny was speaking to me when I turned on my phone after work~ there was this picture via text message from mi Mama~ she is a constant source for uplifting my spirits. I don't know what I would do without her.

 


  ---}

 Hopeful is how I am feeling. In fact, I was expressing that exact sentiment to a co-worker today. That, for the first time in many weeks I feel hopeful for the future. Stronger, more sure of myself. Maybe because I survived another year not fully healed-- yet, closer to it or because I  am soon to create a life I truly want to live... I suppose it is yet to be known.

Until next time~*** May your life sparkle as the much as the snow crystals glisten in the sunlight

Kenny's last day in the snow-- sliding down of course...  :)

 

164* Christmas blog~ Centerpiece

Kenny's 1st Christmas~ Kenny's dad holding Kenny, Me with Vincent inside me, Jheremy 1991

Every family has a centerpiece....

for our little family unit Kenny was our centerpiece. He held us all together.

I was thinking of Christmas and how I have been alone the last couple years.



There is no Christmas without being with people you love. Since Kenny's death there was only one Christmas.

It was the year my brother died. The year my Tio Manuel died, and Vincent & I had one final Noel in the home I shared with my sons.

It was not a complete Christmas. Kenny was already gone ~ off into the spirit world and Jheremy hasn't spent the holiday season with us in nearly a decade.

Our family has disbanded entirely since Kenny passed. None of us live in the same town...and that may never happen again.

We keep in touch fairly regularly. I had nice conversations with both Jheremy and Vincent today. I wonder ... if Kenny was here ~ would we still talk daily as we always did. He is the only one of my sons I had that connection with.
 

Christmas 1993~ Mike, Kenny, Santa, me, Vincent

He is also the only person Vincent talked to daily. And although Vincent is making strides to exist in the real world, I can still see and hear the disconnection he lives with without his brother.

As torn as my heart is without Kenny I think Vincent needed him more. I am alone in this world, but aside from the years of motherhood with my children I have always been alone. Even in childhood.

Vincent has only been alone since Kenny's been gone. I don't mean entirely alone - with no one who cares. He still has us - his family. Me, Jheremy, and his dad. I mean emotionally alone - without connection. Kenny was his closest person. There with him since the day he was born. A daily part of his life.

These words burn in my heart from Vincent at Kenny's memorial service "I hear you guys saying I've known Kenny for this many years or I've known Kenny for that many years. But I knew him from the day I was born and I've lost my other half." My eyes can't hold the tears any time I recall that moment, remembering Vincent's voice breaking and him crying in public. The strong, stoic boy who never shows emotion. That is the affect of loss.
 

Christmas 1994~ Kenny, Uncle Matthew, Jheremy, Vincent

Christmas 1998~ Jheremy and Kenny

The daily connection. That's how Kenny was our family's centerpiece. Even with Jheremy's distance - Kenny is the one he would talk to; to find out how I was doing, how Vincent was doing, and to ask him what he should get us for Christmas.

Kenny was the mediator in times of trouble~ encompassing the greatest compassion and the most forgiving heart I have ever known. He had a light inside him. A truly kind spirit he shared with the world despite the cruelty he endured.

But more than that, he shared his spirit with us~ his family, in a place where he was loved and treasured and will forever be missed on every holiday by all of us, and I pray that each of us receives a sign from that beautiful boy letting us know his spirit is forever loving, kind, and compassionate; and still with us in his own special way.

*~That is my Christmas Wish~*  

Kenny with google glasses~ Christmas 2000? 

Until next time.... Christmas Blessings, Love & Peace