122* 25 months

Well it's the 29th of December again. I completely skipped Christmas this year. Neither Vincent nor I were had an ounce of holiday spirit. Me, mostly because of my injury-- turned out to be more serious than I thought so I have spent the past five weeks trying to heal. This was a year without cookies, cards, gifts, and decorations, not even a tree. It was like Christmas didn't happen, didn't exist. All this taking care of myself is driving me crazy!!!! I am in pain a lot of the time and I am really angry at Kenny for leaving me behind to be in a better place. I hadn't spent much time being angry at Kenny until the last couple of weeks, but of course it figures-- being angry also includes tears''' 

I'm in such a bad mood I feel like I should apologize but I think that one feels how they feel for a reason. In some way, the anger and bitterness is healing to the body--to shed the emotions instead of holding on I suppose...

I am still crying even though an entire year has passed since my son died. It seems something happened in the days before his death. Something that hurt him very badly. I always had a suspicion about that because it was a sudden decision on his part to just say "forget it, I'M DYING NOW". I don't know what it was that happened but someone out there does, someone who knew Kenny,, and Kenny knows too but I guess it doesn't matter now that he is in the spirit world. Nothing can ever bring him back as he was. I sometimes hear him now in an odd sort of way. It's just thoughts in my head> I almost feel like it is just my imagination, maybe it is. Even so, I like it because it feels like Kenny is paying attention to all the craziness he left behind, and in his own way he is still here with me.

I don't want to enter another year without him here in the real world. It's a horrible feeling knowing that 2013 is so close. I am not mentally prepared. 25 months->25 months gone by without him. The pain he escaped is now mine to bear and I pray for the strength and courage to release it completely because I want more of a life than this. I don't know what kind of a life but certainly not this one.

Vincent e-mailed me a video taken of Kenny by his friend Eric. I spent an hour trying to get it onto the blog but I wasn't able to make it happen. It is the second major disappointment in the last two days, although the other was resolved with a happy ending. Maybe I can figure it out for next month, maybe there will be something more to say next month. For now the sadness continues daily; however it does not absorb every moment. I remember more happy memories than I did before and I keep myself on my spiritual track with meditation and prayer. Hope and Faith is all I have to hold myself together.

Kenny S. Cipolla- class of 2010

 Until next time...                  

                                                    

 

    

121* gifts,, and survival

It is December 5, 2012. One year ago, we gathered together to say good-bye to Kenny. Today was nearly as difficult a day. I was emotionally on overdrive and physically in pain. I did not expect to be so overcome with sadness and I did expect to accomplish many things which I didn't. I think I must let go of expectations, for they always seem to be wrong.

I have decided to continue the blog with an entry on the 29th of each month for the next year. In addition, I will continue to light a candle in Kenny's memory on the 29th of each month. I still have much work to do on my healing path. I have made tremendous progress from a year ago to now. I am rekindling my spiritual awareness and healing the hole in my heart. I am curious as to how it will all unfold and look forward to sharing my personal journey of surviving the tragedy of losing my beloved son.

I feel close to Kenny once again; although not quite in the same way. I feel as if Kenny has given me the gift of survival and indeed it is a rare and precious gift. I feel blessed-- I thank G-d, the Universe, the Angelic realm, and my soul for pulling me through all my dark, dark hours. But most of all I thank my son Kenny for allowing me to love him so much in life that I did not come to hate him in death. He is just as special to me now as he always has been from the day he was born. In a strange way that is also a gift- having known him from the day he was born until the day he died. I cannot say that of any other human I have known in this lifetime. 

Until December 29th...
   Love, Peace, and Blessings to all

~*~*~ gifts ~*~*~*

this is a pin that Ben gave me because it kinda looks like a yin-yang. it is very cool- I like it lots and it is going on my favorite 
hat--} THANK YOU BEN!!    

this is a vile that Eliora gave to me. I filled it with Kenny's ashes-- I hope to make it into a bracelet so I can have Kenny near me anytime I want. results to come in the 
future--} THANK YOU ELIORA!!

These two next pictures are from the happiest times in Kenny's life so I feel it is important to include them in his blog.    

-*Ben, Kenny, Callie, Amy- BHS class of 2010*-

                     

--On a hike-Kenny w/stick, Ben, Zac--summer 2011--