122* 25 months

Well it's the 29th of December again. I completely skipped Christmas this year. Neither Vincent nor I were had an ounce of holiday spirit. Me, mostly because of my injury-- turned out to be more serious than I thought so I have spent the past five weeks trying to heal. This was a year without cookies, cards, gifts, and decorations, not even a tree. It was like Christmas didn't happen, didn't exist. All this taking care of myself is driving me crazy!!!! I am in pain a lot of the time and I am really angry at Kenny for leaving me behind to be in a better place. I hadn't spent much time being angry at Kenny until the last couple of weeks, but of course it figures-- being angry also includes tears''' 

I'm in such a bad mood I feel like I should apologize but I think that one feels how they feel for a reason. In some way, the anger and bitterness is healing to the body--to shed the emotions instead of holding on I suppose...

I am still crying even though an entire year has passed since my son died. It seems something happened in the days before his death. Something that hurt him very badly. I always had a suspicion about that because it was a sudden decision on his part to just say "forget it, I'M DYING NOW". I don't know what it was that happened but someone out there does, someone who knew Kenny,, and Kenny knows too but I guess it doesn't matter now that he is in the spirit world. Nothing can ever bring him back as he was. I sometimes hear him now in an odd sort of way. It's just thoughts in my head> I almost feel like it is just my imagination, maybe it is. Even so, I like it because it feels like Kenny is paying attention to all the craziness he left behind, and in his own way he is still here with me.

I don't want to enter another year without him here in the real world. It's a horrible feeling knowing that 2013 is so close. I am not mentally prepared. 25 months->25 months gone by without him. The pain he escaped is now mine to bear and I pray for the strength and courage to release it completely because I want more of a life than this. I don't know what kind of a life but certainly not this one.

Vincent e-mailed me a video taken of Kenny by his friend Eric. I spent an hour trying to get it onto the blog but I wasn't able to make it happen. It is the second major disappointment in the last two days, although the other was resolved with a happy ending. Maybe I can figure it out for next month, maybe there will be something more to say next month. For now the sadness continues daily; however it does not absorb every moment. I remember more happy memories than I did before and I keep myself on my spiritual track with meditation and prayer. Hope and Faith is all I have to hold myself together.

Kenny S. Cipolla- class of 2010

 Until next time...                  

                                                    

 

    

121* gifts,, and survival

It is December 5, 2012. One year ago, we gathered together to say good-bye to Kenny. Today was nearly as difficult a day. I was emotionally on overdrive and physically in pain. I did not expect to be so overcome with sadness and I did expect to accomplish many things which I didn't. I think I must let go of expectations, for they always seem to be wrong.

I have decided to continue the blog with an entry on the 29th of each month for the next year. In addition, I will continue to light a candle in Kenny's memory on the 29th of each month. I still have much work to do on my healing path. I have made tremendous progress from a year ago to now. I am rekindling my spiritual awareness and healing the hole in my heart. I am curious as to how it will all unfold and look forward to sharing my personal journey of surviving the tragedy of losing my beloved son.

I feel close to Kenny once again; although not quite in the same way. I feel as if Kenny has given me the gift of survival and indeed it is a rare and precious gift. I feel blessed-- I thank G-d, the Universe, the Angelic realm, and my soul for pulling me through all my dark, dark hours. But most of all I thank my son Kenny for allowing me to love him so much in life that I did not come to hate him in death. He is just as special to me now as he always has been from the day he was born. In a strange way that is also a gift- having known him from the day he was born until the day he died. I cannot say that of any other human I have known in this lifetime. 

Until December 29th...
   Love, Peace, and Blessings to all

~*~*~ gifts ~*~*~*

this is a pin that Ben gave me because it kinda looks like a yin-yang. it is very cool- I like it lots and it is going on my favorite 
hat--} THANK YOU BEN!!    

this is a vile that Eliora gave to me. I filled it with Kenny's ashes-- I hope to make it into a bracelet so I can have Kenny near me anytime I want. results to come in the 
future--} THANK YOU ELIORA!!

These two next pictures are from the happiest times in Kenny's life so I feel it is important to include them in his blog.    

-*Ben, Kenny, Callie, Amy- BHS class of 2010*-

                     

--On a hike-Kenny w/stick, Ben, Zac--summer 2011--

 

120* Kenny's good-bye service and end of year 1

"Happiness is what you make it to be" - Kenny Cipolla 

Love to you Kenny<3-- I will always, always love you and hold you in my heart. Someday we will meet again on the other side of this life, and maybe even in this one. I am waiting--thank you for coming to see me in my dream- you faded away but I caught a smile. Watch over us, never leave me completely for my life simply needs you to feel right.            
 ****************************************<3
     With each quiet moment the tears stream down my face, the sobs begin, and new cracks etch their way into my heart. It is the 1year anniversary of my son's death. At this hour, one year ago I knew Kenny had left this Earth permanently. Amazingly, a year has passed and I do not feel healed. Partially,maybe, yet no where near completely.
******************************************<3
    It's been hours since I began typing,,I couldn't do it and I had to get out of the house because I was starting to fall apart. I wanted to be strong today--I told myself I was going to be, however I knew it was a lie the moment I woke up. I honestly did not expect it to be a day filled with tears, however that's what it's been. There were no major plans made because I had many plans for Kenny's birthday and most of them fell through>>I did not want to be disappointed again; it was better for me this way.
****************************************<3  
   I drove and drove with no particular destination, eventually I ended up on Browning Avenue, behind Bullard High School. It is a street I have avoided for the past year. I parked and wailed for about five minutes; then I walked the campus a bit--it has changed very much since last year. The high school was a place I couldn't bring myself to go to--walking there tonight was an important healing step for me. I have been nearly everyplace Kenny frequented, and even though at moments I feel like passing out I am still breathing, still capable of movement, and still full of feeling. I think it is imperative for life to be able to feel emotion and movement and the neurons sparking in my brain. There is a lot of energetic movement in my head--must be coming back to life.
****************************************<3
  As a way of honoring Kenny's memory I wanted to complete an act of unexpected kindness. For this I made a print of the last picture I took of Jheremy, Kenny, and Vincent with their Grandpa Ken and put it in a frame which I took to their dad's house and left it for him. It is a picture he had never seen. I think he will like very much to have it. I hope I am right.
******************************************<3
   I realize there are many more acts I want to complete as part of my healing. It is astonishing that an entire year has passed with so few of the things I hoped to have done actually completed. The greatest difference in what lies ahead for me is that I will start off the next year in a much stronger place both emotionally and spiritually. Although the waves of sadness still rock my world,,they are less frequent and weaker than they once were. I am sure I can get thru any more that hit me. Several months ago, I thought for sure I would not be able to get thru another day. I wanted to depart life as my son did--now I want to live as my son did not. While the heartache remains and the hole in my heart still exists I have a renewed sense of determination to go on--to continue my journey of healing and creating a joyful life.
******************************************<3  
   I feel a little bit of Kenny's energy around me--the comfort is indescribable...
******************************************<3
   I'm not sure I want this to be the end of the blog-> update to follow on December 5th...

 Kenny's Senior picture and daisies from Callie

  

[[KENNY'S GOODBYE SERVICE]]
   On the afternoon of December 5, 2011 we had a good-bye gathering for Kenny. The picture to the right was on the cover of his service pamphlet. The picture at the beginning of this entry was on the back with the quote I took from an English essay he had written mere weeks before he ended his life. 
   Dozens and dozens of people came together in the tiny chapel on the West Side of Fresno to say goodbye to my beloved son. I have been to many, many funerals and memorials during my life but none as simple nor as heart filled as the one for Kenny. It was only a room, with benches and an isle leading to a podium for people to speak. There was no service, no mass or video. We expected a few people aside from family so the turnout was astonishing. Kenny was laying on a table made to look like a bed. He was at the very far end of the room. Not many people walked close enough to get a clear look at him for they knew how he died. He wore one of his black hats and his Atomic Wheel shirt with a long-sleeved black button down shirt over it, as he would have if he were alive so people could see it was him from afar. I warned mi Mama not to go up because it was a bit of a gruesome sight through the makeup and repair work. However, to me, he was still my beautiful boy whom I loved beyond words. I kissed his make believe hand and his cold cheek. I twisted my fingers in his curls and talked to him for the few precious minutes I had alone with him.
    I had put together a photo book and a couple of multi-slotted frames with many different pictures of Kenny from birth to his last days. Lots of people looked at the pictures. The room filled slowly, people were sitting and speaking amongst themselves almost in whispers. It was getting to be uncomfortable. I was trying to greet as many people as I could that I knew. I made it a point to personally thank every person for coming. I knew practically everyone who showed up. There were so many people from Bullard High--I was honored that they came to see Kenny because it had been over a year since he had graduated from high school. Teachers, counselors, class-mates showed up; even young men from his childhood days were there. Everyone sitting,, not knowing what to do. I said a few words early on before the room was filled, then no one went up to speak for the longest time. Finally, Johan's parents- Angela and Leo asked if they could read a poem}} I WAS SO GRATEFUL!!! because I was feeling overwhelmed and confused about what to do to move things along. That was the breakthrough...then it all began. Person after person walked to the podium and shared their memories about Kenny with the entire room. There were tears shed, and smiles shared, even a few laughs. It was the most heart-warming service I have ever attended. Kenny's teachers and friends, childhood buddies, Vincent's friends- and our family went up to talk. If there was ever an occasion I wish I had a video for, this is the one that I will always wish for.
   It was evident that Kenny touched more lives than he ever imagined. When Vincent was speaking of how he had known Kenny since the first day of his life and that he didn't know what to do now because he lost his other half, his voice broke and tears welled up in eyes--in an instant Jheremy, Johan and Rob and I circled around him and hugged him. It is the only time Vincent has ever allowed a hug in public! It is a moment I hold dear to my heart. 
   It was a very special and meaningful goodbye. It was more than I wanted-better than I ever thought possible because all that truly mattered to me was that I get to see my darling child one more time before he was burned to ash. The gift of his gathering was so much more than that--and true to my wish, every single person there was someone who knew Kenny. That was my strongest desire and that is how it happened!! Kenny was given a beautiful send off into the spirit world and I believe it is a little piece of treasure those of us who love him can cherish.  

1. December 5, 2011

   

   Kenny: drawn by Rob Mawhinney

   
   

                
 This is a picture drawn by Vincent's friend Rob which he gave to me at the good-bye gathering. It is another example of an inspired tribute to Kenny. THANK YOU ROB!! He also posted it to Kenny's facebook page.

I am honored to say that my son Kenny will always have a place in the world. He will be remembered, not only in my mind and those who also loved him; in addition he is now a part of the internet world. I have learned so much, pushed myself far beyond my computer limits in order to put this blog together. The possibilities of love are endless--this blog has proven that to me. For I love my son so much, I made myself learn how to download pictures and e-mail them and transfer from my camera> and post them on the blog, compile and move them. It has been quite the little adventure; I must say, I truly surprised myself and am thankful for all that I learned and accomplished.

~*~ I SURVIVED THE FIRST YEAR ~*~
it is an amazing feat, there were many many moments when I thought I couldn't do it.
In closing I would like to thank the following people for their love, prayers, hugs, support, listening ears, and inspiring words...I could not have survived this year without you:
   mi Mama-> Matthew-> Jheremy-> Vincent-> Melissa-> Eliora-> Angela-> Marissa-> Ben-> Callie-> Dr. Salo-> Tricia-> Misty  
Love and Blessings to you all!!!! <3

Element of the day(day 120) as it turned out, my original calculation was correct- 120 days from the first day of the blog till the one year anniversary of his crossing over to the other side and 120 squares on the Periodic Table -- TRULY AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Definitely a sign from Kenny
#118) Uuo- Ununoctium-] radioactive    
Reported in 1999, delisted in 2002.
Reported again in 2006.    
   

119* Atomic Wheel

Me and My 3 sons-Vincent (13), Kenny (14), Jheremy (19)

Considering what day tomorrow is I'm holding up pretty well--I am filled with so much love for Kenny and my other sons as I have spent many hours over the past days looking at pictures and reflecting on the life we had together.

I am blessed that I have always been able to show my children I love them with all my heart regardless of the circumstances in our lives--} no matter what challenges we have had to face. It has not been an easy life by any means, but I am grateful for being a mother--it is by far the greatest blessing I could ever receive just as losing my beloved son has been the most wrenching heartache I will ever know.
  
Until tomorrow...                 

*Vincent, Kenny, Jheremy- June 2006*

*Kenny, Jheremy, Vincent w/Lemons--July 2011*

         

The boys took this special picture for me because I have the three San-En monkeys="speak not"- "hear not"- "see-not" evil monkeys and I asked my sons to imitate them; which they did- So Special!! Then, when Jheremy came to Fresno with his band last summer, he wanted to take another picture on the arbor bench at their Grandpa Ken's house so we did- major happiness that we did!! Don't they look so very different from one picture to the next? Such characters--my wonderful sons!!!
 
           }^}^} RANDOM TOPIC{^{^{
{@@KENNY'S FAVORITE T-SHIRT@@}

~Kenny turns 15! wearing his fave t and an evil smile ~

When Kenny was 14, I found this awesome shirt I knew he would love and it became the most worn t-shirt of all time in our family. He wore it constantly. Lucky for him, I am fabulous at preserving the quality of clothing. For the rest of his life- the logo remained intact and clearly legible- ATOMIC WHEEL, kind of looked like a ferris wheel to me. At the time I bought it, Kenny was still wearing a lot of golden and yellowed colored shirts although that changed when he was 16. Dun Dun Dun Dun--] That is when he began to wear black which led into the "all black" stage that lasted until just before the end of his life. Barely a couple months before he died we bought him a few new shirts. One was plaid and another gray with white pinstripes-he was on the brink of emerging out of the black stage. However, it didn't matter what stage he was in--he loved the golden Atomic Wheel shirt and he always wore it. I chose it to be the last shirt he ever wore when he was at his service, and later cremated.  
If you look back at the pictures throughout the blog I'm sure you will see Kenny wearing his favorite t-shirt several times.

Element of the day (day 119)
#117) Uus- Ununseptium-] radioactive   
Has not yet been discovered.

?? So why is it on the chart????